July 10, 2009
As I walked through Wal-mart this evening attempting last-minute errands my peripheral vision noticed several "You're 5!" cards on a aisle end cap. For me, 5 is a significant number in 2009. It's 5 years since my college graduation, 5 years with my employer, 5 years in my apartment... And in the microsecond all of those realizations struck me I tried to imagine my life if things had gone another way.
What if five years ago somebody had gotten me pregnant? The recognition that I was old enough to have that five year old child gave me serious pause. There'd be no bouncing around the country or across the globe. There'd be no skipping town at a moment's notice, no 10.5 hour days at the office. And while I'm sure there are joys to having children (such as a facebook friend's triumph at her daughter finally using the potty), I really wouldn't want one in my life right now if such a thing were even possible.
But say there were no kids. Say I'd found the guy of my dreams who I was sure would give me my happily ever after. There'd be some awesome things to that too but, I dont know...
I guess what it comes down to is that for as many things as I dislike about my life right now, the alternatives I can think of haven't convinced me they're better. It truly puzzles me that these statements are such a stark contrast to where I was a couple days ago. I have to wonder, as usual, what it is I actually want. I'm still not convinced I'm ever going to work my way toward an answer.
Of course with 15 hours on planes tomorrow I should have plenty of time to start working all of it out. Something has to keep me occupied, right?
Captured At: 011
July 20, 2009
A Mind is a Terrible Thing...
It was shortly after 7p when the door finally clicked behind me. I'd stayed later than planned writing email I didn't quite want to send, but such seems to be the norm these days. As I approached the exit doors, the gold of sunset streaming through their windows, I braced myself for the warm humidity a Florida July guaranteed would immediately coat my skin. But most things "guaranteed" seldom are. The immediate comfort at being outdoors surprised me. That feeling, that nothing but completely wonderful and free feeling that used to follow me, was there. Every now and again I get that sense of a something that left me and wonder if it misses me the same way. I hope it does and may someday return. I fear it won't.My mentor and I have this recurring conversation where I sit in his office and tell him I don't understand the point of anything. The cycle varies in frequency - the last time being somewhere in early fall - but the gist is always the same. This time it began simply with an inquiry as to whether there is a point in asking a question when one already knows it could not be answered. He believes yes because it speaks to a current line of thought or state of mind. I believe no. Isn't the entire point of questioning to uncover an answer? If there is no answer, why ask? Doesn't that mean it just is?
I suppose it's not unreasonable to wonder when I'll feel that sense of reward and satisfaction for all of the daily battles I know I fight, but it's not like somebody can mark a date on the calendar and say, "Here, this day, is when you're going to know you've done well and it's all been worth it. 115pm. Be there."
Success is uniquely tuned to each individual. We all have our metrics and most of us spend our lives pushing forward to check the boxes. But I've always been without tangible goals and aspirations. There was never anything I could point to and say "When I have/am doing that, that's when I'll have been successful." In some ways I'm envious of people who have those things.
The goal of trying to be better than you are is, by its very definition, utterly unachievable. You're always arriving, never remaining. And it seems an inconsequential thing next to a big house or a happy family or the front seat on a rocket, but I have to believe there's value to it even though most of the world I live in pays it no mind.
I suppose it's frustrating trying to give somebody else a sense of accomplishment as my mentor consistently has to do. How does one reward somebody who, by default, has little wiring for it?
The part of the conversation that I found particularly intriguing was the way his expression changed as he recognized one of many areas where who I am and how I operate does me an incredible disservice. "Don't think about now," he says, "project forward and see the difference it makes there." "But I can't," I respond, and I proceed to explain why. The veracity of my argument leaves a truly puzzled look on his face.
Being him, he rewrote the rules using what he'd just learned almost instantly realized how broadly my rationale applied. It wasn't just me who couldn't do it, but also likely many others who believed they could. While I couldn't have known that last part he found it incredibly significant.
I had to laugh a little at how visibly his mind was racing yet also completely stalled. I told him he should know by now just how capable I was of making his head spin.
While I don't have any more of an answer than when I began, the best thing to come out of the afternoon was understanding some of the disconnect that we encounter in these conversations. He believes he has a gift in the hand he extends to me, I see an open palm with nothing on it. I want to believe him, but taking everything on faith is only fulfilling for so long.
Which is, I suppose, why the cycle keeps going. Truth be told I'm a bit tired of it and I suspect he is too. But maybe one day my dataset will be proven wrong. Maybe one day some vital reprogramming will happen in my sleep and I'll wake up to find the world is in full color once again. What a glorious day that would be.
Captured At:2132
July 22, 2009
But perhaps more difficult than the act is the aftermath of pressing that "send" button. I'm trying to learn to distance myself and my emotions from my words. I'm trying to learn acceptance that whatever comes back, though likely harsh, doesn't actually have anything to do with me. If I am speaking the truth and doing so with the intention of correcting errors, I cannot feel guilt or accept blame for what I have done. I haven't created the reality, I've merely pointed it out. And believe me when I say what an incredibly unpopular thing it is to do.
It's one of the things I've found most difficult about my current line of work. I hate feeling like the bad guy all the time. I hate having to tell people what's bad and what's wrong or where things are broken and going to break more. It's much more difficult for me to find the same sense of accomplishment in keeping things from happening that I got when I was making things happen. True stopping a bad thing is actually a good thing, but my eyes aren't quite programmed to see that way. I'm trying, but it's slow in coming.
In this case I was glad to see the response was every bit as honest and reasonable as what I had sent to begin with. Being able to successfully communicate in the midst of confusion is a treasure of immeasurable worth. We both don't know, we know we don't know, and we're going to go to the right people to untangle the knots so we do know and can go forward.
The fact that I have several good people around me who know how to trudge though those sticky places is one of the things that keeps me going back in the morning even when I don't quite want to. There are bad examples in the bunch as well, but the good ones do teach me and set an example I hope I can follow now that I'm in a position slightly closer to theirs. 20 years of experience is a huge amount to have to be able to measure up to after such a short amount of time, but if I can be teachable, I just might get a little closer to overcoming that gap.
Captured At: 528