February 7, 2009
There has been a strange shift in me this year that I do not understand and cannot decide if I like. With the closing of each day, so, too, ends everything that went with it. The conversations or off comments that generally stick around and spin inside my mind are all falling silent. The ghost of their memory is without effect.
But one thing I do know for sure about yesterday is that it reminded me both of my progress and how far I still have to go. It reminded me that people, for whatever reason, are watching.
It remains interesting to me what actually makes an impression on another person. As we walked yesterday I explained the internal struggle that had been taking place as we sat in the office. My awareness of my own behaviour has become faster, but not fast enough to prevent the internal tension that arises at the slightest mention of sensitive issues. Every defense mechanism I have flies into place, and not all of them manifest in positive ways.
Yet while I was rambling about why I'm terrible, while I upped the intensity about my frustrations and called to mind a few things people seem to forget, while I again lamented how completely at a loss I am about what's the right direction, something else about it all registered. When we returned I was actually thanked for the trust and the openness; not that I hadn't demonstrated them before, but something about this time seemed to be the most he'd seen.
I'll admit I was a bit baffled. I didn't think anything I said was a new idea I hadn't already tried to convey. I didn't think there was anything revolutionary or particularly deep hidden in my words. I didn't think anything I said made me look any better than I felt. But something hit. I could tell even on the walk by the few questions I was asked.
Sometimes I think the most important things our relationships with other people do is challenge us. They offer us the opportunity to learn and to grow and to become something better than we would have been otherwise. And these people don't need to be our best friends or our worst enemies to do it. We don't need to know each other's life story or every detail of what makes the other who they are. It happens in the watching and the listening as we spend time together. It happens in the confrontations as we bump carelessly into each other.
And I think that's why life parades a variety of people through our lives. We are constantly in the process of choosing who we want to be. If we are receptive, these people can and will change us.
Perhaps I remain where I am for that reason. Perhaps the growth I have yet to do is in character rather than knowledge or experience. Or, even more importantly, perhaps I remain because my influence is still challenging and teaching the people around me. The items may not fall on a simple to-do list, but how could I go when there is still work to be done?
Captured At: 954
February 8, 2009
His after moan though cries oh no, he's building up a shine but he take it slow...
'Oh no' is an appropriate thought as I stumble toward the shelf to silence the phone and pop my morning medication. I'm not ready to be awake, and on this day I have no reason to force myself into compliance with the noise that has rendered me conscious. I melt back into the covers.
When I can ignore the sounds no longer I estimate from the color of the sunlight that it must be around 830a. My guess is close. What I am unable to explain is why the world feels as it does in that moment. I call it an emptiness, but that label incorrectly implies a lack of sensation. I am also unable to identify the last time I awoke to find it waiting for me.
The hours slip by with nothing remarkable about them. The list of tasks to conquer continues writing itself in my mind and assigning times to finally begin the day with the first one. Nothing comes of it.
Shortly after the last of the sun ducks below the horizon I get into my car and drive south. Halfway to the destination my often silent phone buzzes to life. My mother and I talk through my arrival, my entire journey over the bridge and back again, and many pauses on various patches of grass.
When we hang up I shut off the phone completely and swap it with the iPod in my back pocket. I sit down again on the rocks and notice that all of the clouds have vanished. There is no longer anything between me and the man in the moon, and ripples of the river laden with his glow collide with those carrying the reflection of the causeway lights. The sky seems to stretch forever around me - enormous, beautiful, welcoming.
For a moment I imagine the patch of grass is not empty. There are blankets and smiling people bundled up for protection from the gentle cold as guitar notes and voices mingle with the traffic buzzing across the bridge. I imagine instead another body seated on the rocks next to mine and the conversations that could be had until the temperature drops too far to be comfortable.
Back in reality I continue to smile into the stars. The visions are nice, but they would detract from the solitary peace I am bathed in. Any trace of the "empty" I woke up with has not only vanished, but I feel so full I could dance back to my car in song. It is that energy which I most wish I could infuse back into the world. It is that sparkle in my eyes that I wish never had to fade out. And it is that kind of moment I will always wish I never had to leave.
Captured At:2146
February 14, 2009
The Many Moods...
Monday comes with a smattering of holes from the previous day's lack of productivity. Its agenda being wide open is a slightly disturbing observation to one who hates sitting around with nothing to do, but it is therefore full of possibility. The absence of breakfast is remedied at a Dunkin' Donuts on 3 and my bagel gets the company of donuts for the coworkers. Again I see my desire to share the "ups". Every step bounces happily with the iPod as I walk across the parking lot with my morning offering.That afternoon I get called over to see the latest set of files we've received from JPL. The playback isn't perfect, but there is a tremendous sense of accomplishment that comes from watching him fly around the rover that is navigating the surface. I love bringing the right people together for a task and watching what comes out of it. These guys amaze me.
The next day begins with a trip two buildings down to meet with my last boss about a work request for his new group. In a twist of life that amuses me, the branch he now owns is the one I began in almost 5 years ago under different leadership. I nostalgically recall my walks between the O&C and CIF during that first year and a half, specifically the spring. I am again smiling as I take confident steps, watch the sky, feel the history, and enjoy the music filling my ears.
At the CIF I remember the weeks in July '04 where it was my temporary home. Climbing to the third floor feels like slowly stepping back in time. I am comforted and sad, but still floating. We exceed our allotted hour discussing the task at hand, life, the challenges of last year, and the organizational changes. The talk carries much of the morning away, but the time is somehow refreshing. I doubt the new boss and I will ever have that kind of relationship.
Wednesday brings a dozen visitors with it. 7am finds me at Krispy Kreme to obtain fuel for a full day of discussions on Lunar Surface Operations Simulation and its various components. Seeing the few colleagues from other centers that I get to greet with hugs and genuine smiles always fills me up. My presentation and demo generate a fair amount of conversation, and I can tell the official lead is debating when to speak up and when to let me handle the room.
Downstairs we give the group their first look at Orion final assembly. The high bay feels completely different than any other time I've been there. Something in the air seems to say "Yes, it is for real." I keep wandering off slightly from the group in awe of the space - what has taken place there, the transformation it has undergone, and what will soon be happening. Much like airports have always felt to me like a gateway to the world, standing on that floor feels like a gateway to the future; a small stepping stone into a universe whose pull I continually feel. The sensation is so overwhelming I have to fight my eyes.
The following day seems dull by comparison. There is little to do and little to think about. At home I turn on the stove and some music and attempt a familiar looking recipe that I know I have never made. Meat finished and aside, I stir the ingredients for the sauce together in the pan watching it bubble and change color from a light cream to a dark yellow. I could eat the stuff on its own.
I then set out to meet some acquaintances for coffee at a little cafe near the beach I've never heard of. The time is enjoyable instead of awkward, which is a welcome change. When we depart I venture toward the water alone. The sand is deserted for such a crowded area, the sky is mostly cloudy, and the air feels the cleanest and freshest I think I have ever experienced it. I close my eyes and throw my arms back to soak it in. I play a little there out of reach of the waves and walk along the shoreline to take the long way back to Milo. I marvel at how full and content I have felt all week; at how little it has taken to hit that tipping point where I no longer know how to contain the happiness and sometimes don't.
Friday, being right before a 3 day weekend, is an unofficial holiday. Half of the office is empty, so I bring a smaller segment of the lemon pound cake than usual. The morning is a challenge. The afternoon passes quickly with a trip out for lunch thrown in. For the fifth time that week I leave the office with my earphones in and walk to the car feeling joyful. It feels wonderful.
Once home I take a walk to the mailbox. The air hits me and makes me miss the friends I used to ride my bike with as a kid. It makes me miss my springtime companions in college. It makes me miss the family I once had waiting at home when I arrived. I consider taking an evening walk over the causeway, but when I finally sit down with no perceived schedule ahead of me and no rush to be in bed for an early awakening I realize how tired I am.
Friday night disappears into a laptop and a green couch. The exercise is mindless and the time not well spent by most definitions, but it is necessary and I can accept it as such. Suddenly I understand why my more apathetic phases have caused concern. I guess from the outside it is difficult to tell the difference between true depression (which I'm sure has come around every now and again) and the recharging period made necessary by the energy with which I try to attack my days. I'm grateful to have been infused with so much of it this week.
Right now, as I look at the clock on my screen, I recognize it is time to move once again. The day will be short and there is much to be made of it. Here goes everything...
Captured At: 818
February 20, 2009
The "Free" Upgrade
The email came through sometime after 9am as we lazily adjusted to the return from a three-day weekend. "We will have staff today. It will be our last one as SMSIV." Our current parent organization had been created over the summer. Less than a year later it was being broken apart again in a restructuring of its own parent organization. The change wasn't unexpected; we just didn't think it would come so soon.Later that morning we dialed the number and pulled up the website for our regular weekly call. We were informed that the charts we were about to see were preliminary, I suspect due mostly to the unassigned positions scattered among the string of boxes. I was completely baffled by what I saw. The new parent organization now had four large boxes beneath it, one of which named my telecom buddy as the new Modeling & Simulation lead for the program. I knew a change in role was likely for him, but I didn't suspect one of such magnitude.
The next slide built on the first by filling in some of the tasks and working groups associated with each box. The next broke the four boxes into their pieces. M&S was the only one with any children. The font announcing the six names beneath it was too small to see from my chair, so I redirected my eyes to the mindless game on my phone about a moment before the other voice in the office erupted in laughter. Under his new box was the element he has owned for the last four years or so. My name was spelled out beneath its title.
I should have expected it when I saw the first four boxes, but part of me still believed it wouldn't happen. Denial is extremely powerful.
I sat there trying to find words but unable to speak. Never in my life had those 14 letters representative of me looked so foreign. The rest of the phone call was lost to me. I caught the "Anyone have any questions?" at the end and all I could manage was a room-only statement of "I'm just not saying anything."
Truth be told, I had no idea what to do. Every conversation we had ever had about a potential "takeover" ended with me explaining all of the reasons I wasn't right for the job and didn't want the box. Now it was mine.
There was no antidote for the shock. We could only attempt to walk off the disorientation that comes with having little to no warning that your responsibilities have significantly multiplied. As we passed HQ I attempted for the first time to convince myself that things weren't so bad.
"You know, I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this, I didn't push for this. I didn't make this happen. But it happened anyway. So there must be a reason for it. And I need to just take it in stride and wait to see what that reason is."
"Can you write that down on a card for me?"
"Why?"
"Seems like a good mantra to have."
"Well, I'm one of those people who believe that God has a plan. I may not like every phase of it, but I have to trust that it's going to work out."
"Yes, but see, I believe God has a sense of humour."
We both laughed. I'm not sure I can recall the last time laughter felt so refreshing.
Over the course of the day my head continued to spin. One minute I was okay with what had happened, the next I wouldn't believe it. One minute I'd be making statements to jokingly feign exertion of my new authority, the next I just wanted to cry. I had no idea how to feel about any of it.
Slowly we began telling people the news. One voicemail he left said "Hey, you got a free upgrade. Give me a call back." I was the prize in question, but the upgrade was far from free in my mind.
My head tangibly spun for two days. I'd get congratulations that I had no idea how to respond to. I had one person comment "Hey, this is a big move for you. So are you going to start wearing suits now?" I had others whose uncertainty in response equaled my own. I think my biggest fear is that inside they're not sure I'm up to the task. If I doubt, how could they not?
By Thursday afternoon my feet planted themselves a bit more firmly on the ground. The spiraling headache was gone and I could do nothing more than take a deep breath and accept what had happened. I began sizing up what I thought I needed to do and the holes I had been unable to get the former element owner to plug. I thought about the questions I still needed to ask and the things I now had to learn.
My inheritance consists of three software projects, a few clusters of operations and development people, some percentage of a million dollars, and a few decisions on the horizon I've dreaded since before they were mine to make. Compared to the whole it is a very small thing. I can step back, absorb the facts and know so without question. But to me it's huge. The difference I see between helping with something and owning that something is immeasurable. Nothing is the same.
Much of the pressure on me is self-inflicted, but I'm not going pretend I don't feel it. I'm not going to suppress the doubt I have of my own readiness for the task or the fear I have of messing it all up. My goal, as always, is to not let down those I am responsible to. I want to do well for my teams, and I want to do well for the people who entrusted them to me.
I know I can do everything set out before me. The problem is that I have no idea how to actually accomplish it. Strange as it may sound, I don't know the magic combination to unlock the leadership talent everybody tells me I have. Perhaps the trick is to not search too hard and let it happen naturally. Of course even that lack of effort feels like too much sometimes.
As I stood in the parking lot tonight looking at the building I couldn't shake the sense that on Monday everything would be different. I know I will be returning to exactly the same place, yet at the same time I feel like I will never see it again. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew how to explain what it's really like inside my head right now. I wish somebody had the magic words or gesture make me believe that it really does end well. I could use the comfort, but right now all I can really do is keep pushing forward on faith.
No, this change certainly was not free. Given the way I approach roles like this one, it never could have been. As for the upgrade part...well...I suppose it just gives me something to strive for.
Captured At:1831
February 27, 2009
Adjusting
From my little table outside Panera the world seems a simpler, quieter place. This unlikely oasis away from home and from work offers no indicator of this week's challenges save one - the spiraling headache that has accompanied me from the very beginning. My hope is that this pause will help my brain settle before tackling the next set of tasks that awaits it.The voyage of discovery that has taken place in navigating the gulf between supporting something and owning that something has not been gentle. Parts of my team seem ready to mutiny while others are so buried I can barely bring myself to ask them for anything. Some of them are scared and some are completely indifferent. One of the most pressing questions I have is how I am supposed to guide and motivate a group of people who, when it comes down to it, aren't really beholden to me anyhow. I'm not their boss; I'm just their program manager in some convoluted matrix structure that exists beyond the boundaries of the traditional line organization.
In addition to the myriad personnel challenges I'm now receiving crash courses in contracts and budgets and task orders. I'm told that all of these things were in the plan for my education within the next two years, but it appears other plans existed that nobody saw coming. The necessary talks with the lawyers can come later. Thank God I'm generally a fast learner.
But, contrary to my "rise", it seems nothing is quick enough. The problem with going fast, as I pointed out to my predecessor, is that you cause more damage when you hit something. I'd prefer to keep the casualty count low. I still need to figure out how I am supposed to operate within the boundaries of the new world. How does it affect my daily habits? How does it affect my relationships? How does it affect my behaviour? How do I make sure I embody what I would expect of somebody in my position?
To me, true leadership has always been more than a role or a title. It is a consuming challenge. It requires a step upward in character on all fronts. I won't claim I don't forget those things every once in a while. We all forget things. But in every direction I look right now, other people are counting on me for something. I cannot let them down.
So I've pushed myself a little harder. I've adjusted my hours to get the most possible out of my days. I've tried to force myself to better use the gaps of time I would so often waste. I spar with the office dragons by day and attempt to tame the class beasts by night.
Truth be told, after a solid week of it I'm exhausted. I won't even claim I've done everything possible. I know I could be doing better. And I know that if I'm not careful, I will render myself of no use to anybody. How I wish the weight of the world didn't find its way so easily to my shoulders.
As I back my car out of the parking space I catch a glimpse of the Moon in the twilight sky. Venus and his brilliant crescent have created a celestial Cyclops above the restaurant that, true to my programming, I smile back at. It doesn't matter the circumstances; my entire being feels at peace whenever I know that heavenly grin is overhead. Even among the persistent sense of chaos, all is wonderfully right with the world.
Captured At:1849