July 7, 2008
Just Wa-stin' Time...
Upon waking up sometime between mid-morning and early afternoon I wandered into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. In the short time that followed I tended to both clean and dirty dishes, swept the floor, cleaned the counters, and took a shower. To the casual observer it would appear I had arisen late and immediately set about to the chores of the day.While flattering, this conclusion could not be further from the truth. My actions were in blatant defiance of the exam waiting patiently on my computer despite my neglect of it. But this was not the typical case of delaying my work because I did not feel like doing it. There was only one question left to be answered. One would think standing on the edge of completion should be enough to motivate me to hammer out the final answer so I could be rid of the entire thing.
Procrastination is not one of the better habits I indulge in. My drive for continual personal improvement has pegged it for eradication, which is why I think I pay such attention to it now. I always recognized when I was procrastinating, but for the first time I consciously asked myself why.
Contrary to what I had led myself to believe, procrastination is not necessarily due to laziness. Sometimes it is motivated by fear or perceived unpleasantness. Sometimes the delay placed between now and when something sees completion is because of a strange belief that action on my part too soon will change the outcome of the entire situation, particularly to the one I want least. Sometimes it is because I am underestimating the effort involved. Sometimes it is because I know the effort involved and am not ready to expend it. Sometimes it is because I flat out do not want to do the work. Sometimes it is in silent protest of God only knows what. Sometimes it is because I am lying to myself and can no longer do so once this thing I am putting off has been taken care of.
In this particular case I knew fairly quickly what was motivating the distance. Even though I only had one question left I was convinced it was too hard for me. The self-proclaimed "dumb kid" was not going to be able to understand despite her best efforts and everything would spiral downward from there. I could see hours disappearing from the clock as I failed to grasp something that was nowhere near as difficult as my mind was making it. The image in my head ended in nothing but self-defeat and I had no interest in feeling down on myself any more than I already did after a weekend of the same.
There in my hands was the truth; an honest assessment staring back at me asking, "So what are you going to do now?"
I chose to rebel against it. I sat back down on the floor, opened the book and began reading. Time failed to pause while I attempted to teach myself engine mechanics. The final answer committed to the page sometime later was not one I was happy with, but I knew it was the best I could do. I then moved on to the next subject and the frenzy of equations that came with it.
Perhaps just as important as understanding why I procrastinate is recognizing when actions that look like it on the surface are actually not another offense. When I finally escaped the mathematical nightmare of my living room I felt the world outside for the first time in days. I had no desire to rush back or even think about the work I had left behind.
I promised myself that before I returned home I would stop for ice cream and a walk along the beach as the sun disappeared. Indulging turned out to be exactly what I needed. I had allowed myself to be drained of the sense of life that sustains me. I had been pushing too hard too long in an attempt to catch up to something that would only fall further out of my grasp if I did not stop. The pause under pastel skies did not bring immediate peace but, as I would only realize later, plugged me into something from which I could recharge instead.
What all of this reinforced to me was the necessity for a balance. Productivity and accomplishment, while important, should not dominate. The ability to pause for sustenance must not be lost. There is much that one can do in life. Sometimes, however, those moments of not doing are the most important. It may not look like much from the outside, but it is always time well spent.
Captured At:1824
July 12, 2008
The Secrets that you Keep
Last time I sat down to write I talked about procrastination. It is undeniably a recurring theme when I pause to look at my life. I also speak often about time. How it quickly it escapes me, how powerless I am to alter it, how much I hate both of those things. As I stall at getting ready for tomorrow's trip I shake my head because it feels like I just got home. I will do the same next week when I return to the airport for departure once again.What struck my sense of time most today was a trip to the Brevard Art Museum for the PostSecret exhibit. I have been faithfully visiting the PostSecret website almost every week since I learned of it without ever fully understanding why. I describe it as one of the most honest windows into the real nature of people that I have ever seen. What dawned on me today was that the visits began somewhere in 2005. Has it really been three years? Is that even possible?
I have wanted to see the exhibit since I learned it would be in town, but the challenging schedule I have enabled has precluded me from getting there. Today was my last chance to go before it closes tomorrow. It took a bit of effort to motivate myself out of the house, but I am glad I went.
The envelopes included as part of the exhibit were the biggest surprise. Each was a work of art in itself. Many contained words of thanks or statements that the sender could now be free. I felt my heart going out to these people who so clearly believed that confession of their most torturous thoughts to a total stranger would change their life. Was it the man they believed in, or was it the act itself?
I understand why the PostSecret concept is so attractive. When a person finally works up the courage to lower their guard and share something they believe to be of significance there is nothing worse than an undesirable reaction from the recipient. It is one of the most isolating feelings in existence. With this project there is no expectation of response. There is no fear of judgment or rejection. There is no awkwardness.
Sometimes I wonder what I would send. I wonder what it would look like. I wonder if it would change me. Then I think I should put less effort into crafting imaginary postcards and more into getting on with my life. Once I can escape the black hole of travel and homework I plan to do just that.
Captured At:1639
July 18, 2008
My response was an admission that even I do not always know how I keep up the pace I do. That reason, above and beyond any other, is why I have elected to press pause and spend some time clicking away on my keyboard tonight. I have no subject matter and no set plan for where I hope my words will go.
What comes to my memory first is the pale pink hue to the clouds and their reflection in the puddles as I drove home last night. I definitely experienced a disconnect being back in Florida. Many times up in Herndon I commented that it felt like home, yet that was also the first thing I thought when I exited MCO. My heart always aches a little when I feel that reconnection and I wonder if my spirit will ever stop feeling so fractured.
This was a good week for feeling confident in my knowledge and abilities. I enjoyed getting some time to play at a technical level I seldom see anymore. I succeeded at breaking every aspect of the software I chose to attack which, I am told, is exactly the reason they brought me along. Overall the new version looks great and I am more excited about its release than I think I have been about any other we have received. Looking at it I also had to acknowledge just how much I have contributed to the project. I am proud of the work I have done. It is nice to be able to say that.
This was also a good week for remembering how important it is to remain aware of what I am feeling and why. Yesterday's world took one swing after another at the kindness and patience and love I try so hard to keep at the forefront of my actions. I would like to say I emerged victorious, but I failed to keep the monster as well under control as hoped. I could literally feel the sarcastic, impatient, mean-spirited, angry attitude pulsing through my body. The one truly polite person I encountered commented on treating others as you would like to be treated. I agreed with her, but added that they were making it very difficult at that moment. For as much as I try to evolve and grow, I remain imperfect.
As always, there is more I could say. It would be easy to stay hidden away in this textual oasis, and perhaps far safer, but my pause button works only for me. Time continues onward whether I wish it to or not, and the feelings I have toward its motion and the senses I experience with the seasons remain unchanged. This time of year has its moments of being very evocative, one of which I think I drove into as I rounded the final corners to reach home. I am simultaneously rejoicing and heartbroken. Where opposites gel together, I will be found. This is my accepted condition of being. Better keep moving.
Captured At:1818
July 27, 2008
But the presence of something does not guarantee its use. I do not always think to adjust it when I cross time zones and seldom will if the stay is less than a couple days. Mental recalculation tends to be an automatic act which begins on the runway in my temporary location and ceases when the wheels of the plane again touch down at MCO.
Fatigue clearly shut down that ability yesterday. I arrived at the airport more than an hour early as I had been instructed, but I also skipped out on a friend almost an hour earlier than planned because I forgot those tiny hands had never been set to measure Central Daylight Time. Hobby was nowhere near busy enough to warrant the two and a half hours I waited at Gate 21.
I used the time unwisely until into the last hour, at which point I powered on my laptop and concluded recounting what I chose to of my day in London. Time to write has been scarce since I returned. At the current rate of progress I may finish documenting that trip by the end of the year. That duration is not acceptable to me. Perhaps I should spend less time sleeping on my flights and more time at the keyboard. Of course would I really be sleeping if I didn't need it?
Needless to say, I am thankful I get to stay in Florida for a few weeks. My biggest challenge will be to figure out how to simultaneously use that time in the most productive and most relaxing manner possible. I acknowledge that I have been stretched and strained on every side. If I do not take the pause I am given, the world will become a much worse place.
As it turns out, the commendation I have received so often recently for how much I have handled is undeserved. I have just emailed one of my professors to inform him that I think I need to accept his offer of an incomplete. I hate doing it. I hate feeling like I failed or am taking the easy way out. I hate being confronted with the reality of the boundaries that confine me to being human. Admission of defeat is not an act I am at all familiar with.
And that fact, perhaps more than any other, is why I have to do it. I have not been screwing off all semester. Almost every drop of my free time outside of work or travel has been spent on homework, and sometimes that travel even included homework. Those efforts are the only reason I am only getting an 'I' in one class, not that mark or worse in both.
Seeing the situation for what it is and acting on it the way I need to rather than the way I want is certainly a growth area for me. I need to be thankful for what I have been given the strength to accomplish. I need to be thankful that I have an instructor who will work with me rather than one who says "better luck next time, kid" and nothing else. I need to view this as a way to take care of myself - something I am notoriously bad at doing. Though a small thing, yesterday's slip up was more than enough proof that I need to watch myself. And one way or another it will all work out.
I should have waved to the airport as I drove away from it last night. With any luck the current plans will hold and I can get things a little more level before I find myself taking off again. We will still be working, but the upcoming adventure has the potential to be great fun. Next stop: Chicago.
Captured At:1607