With You I'd Walk Anywhere...

12:50a, and for whatever reason my neighbour thinks this is the appropriate hour to be packing her U-Haul. Perhaps if she and her fiance hadn't spent the earlier portions of the evening arguing with her mother about why they should live together before they get married the move-out would have been complete. Why a middle-aged woman needs her mother's blessing for such a thing is beyond me, but such is life. I suspect this isn't the first they've had this fight. Perhaps it's a good thing I was away for a few days.

Last night I was listening to "Come Monday" on the way home from the airport. When people talk about living a Buffett song I don't think this particular one is usually what they have in mind, but it was all true. I realized that I had, in fact, spent 4 lonely days in a brown L.A. haze and, ironically enough, had returned on a Monday. I stole part of the "Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays" version for my away message when I got home: California has worn me quite thin/It's so nice to be home in Florida again.

And it was.

Now that I have been I can understand why many Californians say they took a short trip out and just never went home. There are a number of things to like about southern California that I could get used to very easily if I had to relocate there. All of the stereotypes were true, but most were in ways that I liked. My travel buddy happened to be a former CA resident, and he told me I would fit right in because I have that free spirited let-the-wind-blow-me-where-it-will attitude characteristic of the left coast.

And it truly did carry me everywhere this weekend. I drove the L.A Freeways and part of the Pacific Coast Highway. I looked upon my host city from the San Gabriel Mountains, touched the Pacific Ocean and watched the sun set over the other half of the world. I played tourist with a former nemesis, drove robots around a world famous lab, joined the masses suffering from gadget hype, and I learned that green tea ice cream simply isn't for me. I walked miles snapping hundreds of pictures along the way. It's the fullest four days I have had in a long time.

On several occasions I imagined the dot on the map I was wandering within. This was immediately followed by a pause before the same words would echo in my head. "I'm so far from home," they would say. It was a strange feeling; one I haven't experienced this way in years. Something very significant was missing and I could feel the gaping hole of its absence.

Sunday night I forced myself to go for a drive that something told me I would regret not making if I let the weariness and the headache win out. As I chased a sinking golden sun to the furthest point one can in this country I was taken by the light. Blinding rays seemed to pierce directly through me to overflow the dark empty patches. The intensity of my emotions faded as they dimmed until all was calm, gentle and muted on Malibu's shore.

I considered posting a picture of that sunset, but I think I'd like to keep it to myself just a bit longer. My next choice - one of me standing in the iPhone line just for the heck of it - didn't feel right either. So I'm going to bring the post to a close with a view from Santa Monica pier on Friday night. It was the first wandering I did truly alone after my travel buddy departed for LAX. I can hear the chatter of the crowd and the music of the street performers. Somewhere in the distance a mariachi band is singing "Happy Birthday" with thick accents. And though I remember the noises, they all fade away when I look at those lights and see them dancing on the water.

This, I think, is why I travel. I can never resist collecting another moment that carries me away.

Captured At: 157

Against All Odds...

It's about 430 on this Friday afternoon as I sit on my porch sipping vanilla tea from my favorite black mug and watch raindrops dance in the puddles below. I'm still in my pajamas, haven't showered, and never once considered that I might want to put my contacts in. I called out today. Emailed actually, but still.

I think I've known since Sunday in Pasadena that I was in need of what someone I used to know would call a "mental health day". A Monday in transit across the country didn't do it and a Wednesday holiday spent entirely on Astrodynamics homework certainly didn't help. (Isn't that stuff for smart people? What the heck was I thinking? It's so cool though...)

Then I looked at next week and saw the non-stop motion that will be my life for this trip to Houston and back. Under normal conditions the idea wouldn't faze me - hence why I made such crazy plans in the first place - but something told me that if I didn't take a moment to press pause now I will pay for it severely later.

Unfortunately I'm not sure today accomplished what I had hoped. I may have slept an extra hour or two, but most of my awake time was spent on work anyway. The guys putting this thing together for me to take next week are still plugging away and it didn't seem fair to disappear off the face of the earth on them. Again I'm thankful to be part of such a great team of people.

These guys are smart too; in love of a good challenge like the best programmers I've known. I'm glad they take to this stuff because it means I don't have to. That may sound selfish, but I learned a long time ago that any code project with me at the keys is going to stumble a bit. My contributions are better made elsewhere. Everybody knows that.

And, as it turns out, some of them know more than I'm always led to believe. I received an interesting piece of insight from my self-appointed mentor yesterday. Somewhere in the turn of conversation I mentioned talking to a friend of mine toward the end of college and saying that I couldn't wait until I left school and nobody knew who I was. Their response had been that I wouldn't be happy that way. He agreed with them, but it was his rationale that struck me most.

He said I won't be happy if nobody knows who I am because I have to differentiate myself from the crowd in some way. Not for the sake of being different, but because the very nature of who I am inevitably leads me to do things that make me stand out. I commented how ironic it is to me that all of the reasons I hate the spotlight are the same ones that cause others to pursue it, and the things that seem to land me there are the ones most tend to neglect in their pursuit.

I look at kids my age and it seems all they care about when it comes to their jobs is acquiring the highest position in the least amount of time so they can lord it over those "below" them. They display little sense of loyalty, little willingness to work because the job needs to get done as opposed to what they hope it will get them, and little concern for people who can't advance them in some way. I was told my generation is not the first to invent this, but that doesn't make such belief any less frustrating to me. I was also told it used to bother him too, but somewhere in there you decide you're not going to let those people have that much of you.

What I have come to realize is that it's not the people who get me down. They're just a small part of a much bigger picture. What gets me down is when I look at all of the pieces of me and my life and my world and don't see how I could possibly do anything but fail.

I recognize that what I define as failure is important, and I know that for anything I would place in that category there are people out there who would say "but you've done that, so clearly you haven't failed". Yet, for as backward focused as I tend to be, I often say that I don't care who you are or what you've done in the past. Show me what you're doing now, today, at this very moment that demonstrates you are what you claim to be. That's what I don't feel I am succeeding at. The fact that I have spent so much time comparing myself to others recently doesn't help. No happiness can come from such a thing.

Slowly, though, I am stepping away from the rain cloud into a world of bluer skies where such doubts never cross my mind. I am remembering how little of where I am now is a result of worrying about where I would end up. I am thinking of the encouragement I'm given that tells me I should be less hard on myself because I'm doing incredible things. I am laughing at the instructions that the next time somebody wants to go on about how great they are because of what they're doing I should casually mention my trip to Houston with the guys planning our missions to the moon. I am thinking of how often they tell me I'm good with the people around me, that there is inherent goodness in me wonderful to see, and that I'm good with the responsibilities I am given beyond what anyone could have asked for.

And I know that they can tell me those things for the same reason I inevitably become distinct from the crowd. I have accepted the challenge of holding true to who I am, what I value and what I believe. I don't do it perfectly, but even in my failings I press on in pursuit of it. I have to. That's the sort of person I was made to be and anything less would be denying what it is that drives me in the first place. It seems such an odd circle to travel, but sometimes the truth defies all logic. Logic would say I shouldn't have made it this far. I guess that shows how little it really knows.

Captured At:1831

I Never Make Promises Lightly....

The weather application embedded in the top bar of my Linux box says it is 90 degrees outside right now, but it feels nowhere near that hot under the shade of my porch. Sitting here is actually rather pleasant and it's reminding me of my summers in North Carolina. I'm thinking of my walks and runs around the lake, my happy ducks, how bad I was at shooting baskets by that point and my victorious smile when I could finally cross the monkey bars again.

If I were to raise any complaint, it would be that the tea I'm drinking is warm instead of cold. This would be my own fault; a result of the laziness that has kept me from going to the store since I returned almost a week ago and the rationale that there is no point since I am just going to turn around and leave again. Today I am done with excuses. I have resolved that when I leave tomorrow this place will be in a condition I am eager to return to.

Yesterday was really good for me. An old college friend was having a party at his new house in Stuart and, though I hadn't been close or even familiar with most of the people going, I thought it would be great to go see somebody I haven't spent time with in years. His house is nice; plenty of open space and a great back porch, both of which were needed given the crowed that gathered for food, drinks, fights on TV, dominoes and many rounds of Beirut. It was great to get slightly out of town and do something completely different with my Saturday for a change.

The surprise of the day was an old face from the past that I had not expected to see. An old face who never told me they were leaving Melbourne or the state. An old face that I figured needed to distance itself from me as much as possible. And, though it had hurt a little bit, I understood. If I had known he'd be there I might have stayed home out of respect for his space. He assumed I wouldn't show once he made it known he was coming because I didn't want to see him.

Other than a very short random email I don't think we had talked in two years and we easily picked up as if no time had passed. He apologized for how he had been before he left, I told him he'd been right about the guy I had chosen over him. We talked about everything from our jobs and the difficulties of living alone and how crazy it can make you at times to the challenges of faith and religion, what little we know of the future, and the characteristics we believe must be present in the people we end up with.

And then he said something that didn't surprise me at all. "You may not be it, but I know you're pretty damn close."

See, I did something unfair to this guy. It wasn't anything I set out to do, but on some level we connected. For him it was in a way he hadn't believed was possible, and that had to mean something.

From my own experience I understand that when you meet somebody like that it changes everything. Suddenly there's this scale you're silently evaluating everybody on. Is there any trace of that connection there? Do they get it? Do they get me? And when the scorecard comes back low it feels like a waste of time to pursue things much further. Nothing seems good enough anymore.

The biggest difference I saw between the two of us was that he said he figures at some point he's just going to have to compromise. I refuse to do that.

As a strange display of irony I had spent a lot of time the night before looking at the curvature of my sliver ring and the small stones within it that still remind me of flowers. I had just done a very bad job of explaining to a newer friend that I couldn't answer if it would work out between us because at this point I'm closed off to the idea of being with anybody. I had no idea that the next day I would once again be face to face with somebody I had turned down.

I have been told I wear that ring where I do because I'm trying to keep people away. Such a statement makes the assumption that everybody out there is going to respect its existence. Truth is, the presence of a ring doesn't mean anything. Rings are nothing more than a tiny hoop of metal and maybe some glittery rocks. It's the meaning the wearer places in the adornment that matters.

My ring is a band of memories. It's a reminder of where I have been, of the people who put it there that are never far from my best thoughts and prayers and the points they stressed to me before I lost them, of the lessons I learned the hard way and eight years of mistakes I am determined not to repeat. The stones still sparkle with hope and encouragement at all of the moments I seem to need it most reminding me of what it is I have my faith in and why.

And yes, my ring is a promise. To me primarily, to them partially and, ultimately, to somebody I may never actually know. That promise forces me to be patient at times when it would be easier not to be. It forces me to evaluate my circumstances with a different set of eyes and make my decisions accordingly. It forces me not to settle or compromise because I have done far too much of that up to now. It gives me something to hold to where nothing previously existed. I am unquestionably better for that.

Some would say that's a heavy weight to carry around on a single finger. Others would say it's stupid to place so much in a ring in the first place, but I cannot help what it has come to mean. I didn't choose that or tell it to take on a life of its own. Like so much of what I've had, it just did.

So when it would have been easier not to set out on a long drive in the early hours of the morning, I left the party anyway. When it would have been easier to collapse into the embrace, I broke it. When it would have been easier to give in to the weakness that begs me to fill the void with anything I remembered why I have to remain strong. And the entire drive home I could be nothing but thankful for everything the day had brought me.

Even the 4am return to my unkempt apartment. Better get on that...

Captured At:1529

Oh What a Lovely Day to have a Slice of Humble Pie...

As I puttered around the apartment this evening I kept thinking of "Finding Nemo" and the quote "The sun is shining, the tank is clean..." So it's dark and I don't actually live in a tank. It doesn't have to make sense. Along the same lines of not making sense, I'm mostly packed for Houston. That isn't quite like me at all. Usually I'm running around doing this sort of stuff last minute and rushing out the door late. I suspect I will be doing something similar tomorrow morning anyway. Funny how that works. No amount of preparation ever seems to be enough for me for anything.

As I look ahead to the insanity of the next few days I am excited for the opportunity to spend a day sitting in on this meeting with the Lunar Architecture guys. I wonder if I will once again be the youngest person in the room. Something tells me that is a definite possibility.

Last night I was talking to one of my friend's FPL coworkers and he asked me what I do. I gave the simplest answer I could think of to describe what my civil servanthood with NASA entails. "Does that humble you," he asked. "Oh, definitely," I answered. "I think of all the people who have walked around that place and the accomplishments they've made and it blows me away. I don't know how on Earth I'm supposed to live up to that, yet my coworkers look at me and say something will be mine because when it finally happens they'll be gone and I will be the one left to take care of it. No pressure or anything."

I told him about how I still pick out the VAB on my drive every morning. How sometimes I don't quite believe I'm there. How every day I go in I know that I've been given the opportunity to be at a place that many dream of and will never get to. Absolutely it humbles me. Every day. No question.

"You...well...I won't say much more to that than 'you're right'. You should be at a podium somewhere surrounded by bright lights and stuff."

I laughed. Like I really need more of that...

As I sit down to begin writing two songs come to mind, neither that would rate very high on the "happy" scale. Maybe that's because most people awake at 2am don't have many happy thoughts to share with the world. Perhaps I should take up the guitar and adjust things a bit

So, yes, it's nearly 2am as I type by candlelight on the porch. I traded my black mug of tea for a blue cup of orange Kool-Aid tonight...er...this morning. It just felt more appropriate; more "me" perhaps. It's dark out here, and the sound of a train has just chimed in along with the symphony of crickets and air conditioners. There's no place like home, and no hour like 2am when you've decided your work day won't begin until noon.

Houston was a great trip, very random in places, and far too short. In the airport Monday I passed a group of kids that were obviously headed off on a mission trip. "God is powerful!" one called out to me as I walked by. "Jesus loves you!" said another. I understand the whole "share the good news" concept, but when I look at a 10 year old standing in the middle of the airport shouting things to strangers that I'm not sure they fully comprehend it's no wonder many people think that Christians are nuts. Granted we're not strapping bombs to the kids and sending them into public buildings, but still. The perception isn't that different.

I spent about three hours at Johnson Space Center that afternoon, which raises my "Centers Visited" count to 5. The guy I met up with there walked me past the robotics labs, into some of the simulators and astronaut trainers, showed me some of the work they're doing related to the new vehicle, and even took me into some of the sims and the VR lab to play a bit. I may look like a total goof in this picture, but what you can't see is how cool the view is when you're floating around the International Space Station.

I have been instructed not to say much about the meeting I crashed on Tuesday (and certainly don't belong posting about it on a website), but it was really cool to listen in as the team discussed the options they're exploring for how this return to the moon is going to work. I exchanged several emails with a coworker at KSC, one of which said "We're really going to the moon, aren't we?" "Yes....you are" came the reply "Wow...just wow." I was told later that he passed it on to the Marshall guy we work for; told him I'd taken the bait and told me he could hear him laughing all the way in AL as he read it.

It was so cool to be right where it's happening. These guys have such awesome problems to solve. They also have some really crappy ones to solve, but on the whole it's pretty incredible.

The total randomness came as we all went out to dinner that night and I happened to discover a large chunk of my center management at one of the tables in the restaurant we went into. I hung out with them a little bit, talked with our new deputy director who I was meeting for the first time, and let an astronaut's wife video tape me doing a "Hi Mr. Astronaut on the ISS who I don't know" message for her husband. To some extent I always knew this, but I think I also cemented my belief that the space program is a good old boys club where everybody somehow knows everybody and that, when it comes down to it you'll either be in the circle or you won't. I am under the impression that people who aren't "in" won't generally go very far.

One of the other things that surprised me about these past few trips was the discovery that when I go see these guys for the first time in months my natural instinct is to greet them with a big smile, a hug and a "Hey, great to see you". It's not one I act upon - I'm not one to force myself up people and they'd probably think I was crazy - but it does say quite a bit about how attached to everybody I have become. We're a generation and thousands of miles apart yet somehow they still feel like old friends or family. It may be the relief of a familiar face in an unfamiliar place, but it's tough not to give in just the same. This was the first time in a long time I've gotten off the plane knowing I have somebody to call; it's a nice feeling to know somebody is waiting on your safe arrival, for whatever reason that may be.

And when Wednesday felt too hard as I boarded the flight home I hesitantly emailed a coworker back at the center saying "If I ask nicely, can I have a really big hug when I get back? I really need it..." He's great for those and, though some would think it unlikely, he's about the only person I feel I can do that with. The value of that is beyond words.

My job has become much more than that to me. I am loved there, I am missed when I go away, and I miss them too. "I feel like I haven't been around much" I said when I stopped in Wednesday afternoon. "That's because you haven't been," they told me. I've heard a few comments that suggested they noticed I was gone and many exclamations of "Hey, you're back!" Somewhere inside I think I knew the place somehow felt different without me, but I was still slightly surprised to actually hear it. Maybe I do bring a little more color to the world.

So, I guess that means I need to start taking better care of myself. Not just because I was told to, but because the positive energy that comes from that spills over into everything else I do. I have had my moments of not being so cheery, but I'm pretty wiped out. Given how many different places I have been these last couple weeks that isn't difficult to understand.

Though I have said I'm not going in until noon I have a pretty good idea what will happen. I will wake up around my usual time, wander in with my cookies somewhere between 10 and 1030, work more than the 2.5 hours I still owe for the week, and then go home much later than planned wondering how the heck it got to be so late on me. I really do know a lot about myself. More than I let on sometimes, more than I would actually admit most days. But for all of the ups and downs, I still love her. And, like always, I will look deeply into her eyes in the mirror, smile, tell her she's a good kid, and go to sleep with nothing but hope for tomorrow. Every day should end like that.

Captured At: 245

Coming out onto my porch tonight seems to have brought with it some very bad news. The box for the fire alarm system is beeping again. The last time it spent a day doing this I was woken up rather abruptly by the alarm I my apartment around 4am. Suddenly I am less motivated to go to sleep. This laptop will give me 1.5 hours. Oh the places I could wander in that amount of time.

These past few days there has been somewhat of a disconnect between my mouth and the rational mind that generally guards it. I have taken hours out of various people's lives with what is apparently utter nonsense. Either I am failing to find the correct words to explain or my monologues have not fallen upon the proper ears thus far. There's something important going on here, I'm just failing to draw the right lines between the dots.

Earlier this evening I received an IM completely at random from one of the first people I met at Florida Tech as a freshman. He remained there no more than 2.5 years before he decided his life was being called in another direction and left the university. As it turns out the seminary wasn't for him, but he's recently married, working at a hospital up near my home town and he sounds happy. It was an unexpected conversation, but it was awesome to hear from somebody I had been wondering about for years who I was fairly certain had fallen off the face of the earth somehow.

As I filled him in on what little I knew of our mutual friends that first year the one thing that struck me was just how far along in life everybody is. They've finished school, gotten married, scattered across the country and/or started a family. It is great to see such positive motion for the people I have valued over the years. Whether they're still here or off elsewhere, the one thing I hope for my friends daily is that they find happiness in life. Most of them seem to have done that.

Perhaps I wish this for them because it is the only thing I have consistently wished for in my own life. For me it has never really been about the details, just the end state. Emotions are ephemeral though, and it means that my sense of success is constantly in flux. It appears I was wired to strive for one of the most difficult things possible. Fantastic.

In looking at the drivers for the slight downward turn in my outlook over the past few weeks what I have had to accept is that I have ambition. And not just a little of it either. The problem is that I have worked very hard in my life not to be the type of person I dislike and I just so happen to have an inherent distrust of intensely ambitious people. Again, fantastic.

And where is all of this ambition carrying me? Damned if I know. My little path is generally shrouded in fog. Granted some very cool things have appeared from that fog, but it is a fog just the same.

I am today in the only place I was always certain I would be: working hard at whatever job I had by day, home to an empty collection of rooms by night. It certainly doesn't feel much like living, but I have also accepted that some changes - particularly the big ones - cannot be forced. They have to come in their own time.

Today I said something to one of my coworkers about how I'm not going to have that whole "children to stress me out" thing to deal with like he does. "I'd like to tell you that one day you'll find a nice guy and that will change," he said, "but that's not necessarily true." At least he's realistic enough to not give me the whole "It'll be really funny when you get swept off your feet" talk that some have.

Another thing I have had to accept is that I can't alter my life for somebody else. I have thought before that I could, but I now understand that I would never be happy that way. Eventually I would feel held back by the existence of that other person and whatever responsibility I felt to them. When I don't feel free to fly I'm miserable, and by extension rebellious, irritable and abusive. I don't want to put anybody through that again.

I don't have concrete goals in life, but I do know that within my job there are a few things I would like to do as I form my picture of that world to determine my place within it. I know I want to finish school not by squeaking through as I did the first time, but by knowing I worked hard and truly took something away from my efforts. I want to rediscover what it is to feel confident, capable and valuable by finding them within myself instead of relying on external sources. The greatest negative to putting the full power of my focus on something is that it often neglects other areas in my life. The only reason I can be pressing forward with both work and school right now is that the latter really is part of the former. I guess I need to break that rule too.

There is quite a bit of stumbling around for me to do these next few years. Some pretty big things have to change if I am to move forward successfully. The challenge comes in how to do that without destroying the essence of who I am, which really isn't too bad as essences go. I had a good head put on my shoulders with a number of important natural abilities, I stand for a lot of really good things, and I'm generally very fair and accepting. Maybe that's why people don't worry when I start drafting plans for world domination; they know I'm not really the "evil dictator" type.

Of course I was also told how scary it is. Scary because most people talk about doing things like that, but never actually make any motion toward it. Scary because I not only wrote the plan, but also have about half of the items crossed off already. "Well of course I wrote a plan. I don't have any real goals, so it's a lot easier to make up an outrageous fake one that everybody can laugh at."

Joke or not, they really seem to think I could do it. And so long as I keep bringing in cookies after I reach it I don't think they'll mind.

Captured At: 229

Though the beeping of the fire alarm has not ceased I can find new comfort in the knowledge that this sound punctuating the blackness of the evening does not come from my building. I am surprised nobody else in the complex has reported it yet; the high pitched tone has been echoing around this place for days now. I am going to choose not to let it interrupt my thoughts tonight and press on regardless.

I am pleased to be wrapping up today with the knowledge that everything I said I would accomplish when I got home from work today is done. I laid it all out in my mind - what to do, how much time to spend on it, everything. Of course where I'm about to run over is the time I allowed myself to post this evening. Hey, something to work on tomorrow I suppose.

Sticking to schedules is something I am notoriously bad at. This makes things even more interesting when one considers my newfound belief that I need to establish some sort of routine to get my life back under control. Such a thing goes against everything I naturally am if not put in the correct context. All in how you tell the story I suppose.

In addition to pondering this disconnect, the most consistent thought I have had over the past few days is how much I wish I could have my last year of college back. This message has been sent clearly through everything from the songs that have found their way into my ears and the roads I've driven to the very season the world is accelerating through. I miss all of it, even the stresses and the stupid people. I was also on top of just about everything. Granted I was still running about 5 minutes behind schedule, but I'll take that over the 15-30 I've slipped to.

It's also the one time where I can last remember feeling like my life was full. Perhaps it's a malady of the human existence to long for what we are lacking. I have been advised many times in my life that I cannot focus on what is absent, especially at the expense of what is present. I agree with that philosophy and work hard to put it into action, but even now as I look around and realize that I am very happy with the things I see in my life I find it slightly different to maintain that perspective as fully as I would like.

For as long as I can remember I have felt like part of my soul was missing. The amount of attention I pay to this fluctuates with the circumstances, but it is one of the constants of my life. I have found nothing capable of filling it, not even the faith I rely on to push me onward during my most hopeless and negative days. There is something else that simply hasn't clicked yet. The more certain I become of this the more I long for...I don't even know what. Strange really.

Today as I drove home I was struck by a moment of honesty. I'm not sure what coaxed the words from me, but there they were coming out of my mouth. There's something about that moment where the things you don't want to say become vocalized. It actually hurt. The remainder of the drive swept past with no notice the scenery was changing. Suddenly I found myself slumped on my couch staring at the words "Nutrition Facts" on an empty container of yogurt and knew that if I didn't make a move at that moment all I had hoped to do tonight would be lost. Sometimes I thank God that I'm stubborn.

Stubborn and about 15 minutes behind schedule as tonight would have it, but I'm not quite thankful for that last part. So, I'm going to recognize where I'm at and call it quits right here and now so I can get back to where I wanted to be. No proofread, no spellcheck, nothing more than a copy/paste into the post window.

I hate ending things abruptly. I'm much more likely to linger and let things fade in their natural time. But maybe I'm doing too much waiting and not taking enough action. Either way, it's going to have to be a post for another night. My time here is past expired.

Captured At:2244

Then Bang! Crash! And the Lightning Flash!

All of the signs around me point to a storm somewhere in the very near future. Florida tends to be like that this time of year with amazing predictability. No sooner do I get those words down than a bolt of lightning leaps earthward somewhere in the distance. All of the activity seems to be taking place in a patch of sky bordered by the two thin trees outside my porch. I guess I have a front row seat.

There's always a great feel to the world right before it rains. The scent of precipitation doesn't seem as prevalent here as I often remember it being up north, but plenty of signs remain. My happy blue skies have been replaced by layers of grey. The humidity has evaporated and the trees are swaying lightly in the sort of breeze that's a godsend in the suffocating heat that accompanies the midday.

With every character I add to this page the winds pick up and the amount of time between the flashes and rumbles decreases. Any moment the skies are going to open up.

There's the scent of precipitation I was mentioning earlier. The drops blowing from behind the building are dousing me in a light mist as I sit here unwilling to go inside or put my laptop down. One shift of the wind and we'll both be soaked. There's something completely exhilarating about that. I can do nothing but smile at the little drops of color peppered across my screen.

It's an amazing storm playing out in front of me right now. One moment violent, the next fading away as if taking a deep breath before it lashes out furiously at the world once again.

Nature is amazing.

Yesterday afternoon as I drove home I remembered why it is I love this time of year in Florida so much. There's the opportunity for a rainbow nearly every day and most you can find them. That day I did. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. The colors were so boldly pronounced against the sky I was sure there wasn't a person outside who could have missed it. I also accepted the sad truth that not every other driver would look much beyond the road in front of them.

Sometimes when I find a rainbow I like to pretend I'm the only person who can see it. I'll gaze dreamily out the window with a gentle smile stretched across my face because nobody else knows the secret I'm sharing with the universe at that moment. It's a silly thing - and a bit selfish if I'm honest - but sometimes it's comforting to believe that I'm not as small, isolated or alone as I actually am.

I was in one of those moments when I saw the first white line draw itself between clouds and earth. I was struck by how the power and wrath displayed by the lightning collided so unexpectedly as it split through the peaceful serenity of the rainbow. I have yet to decipher what it spoke to me, but I know it wanted to be sure I was paying attention

Today's storm has been especially violent. About half an hour ago I moved inside to give myself more shelter, and I watched as a large bolt of lighting made contact somewhere very near by. It looked about 1.5 inches wide as it whipped behind my glass doors. The sky flashed bright white, then turned a deep pink followed by a pale green. I have never seen anything like it.

When I was first sitting on the porch I wondered what it would look like if lighting were to strike something right in front of me. Then this happened. I don't think I'll ponder such dangerous things next time.

Slowly the fury of the storm is fading away and I'm wondering if it's time to venture outside and move on with my other plans for today. I hope Milo is up for a swim...

Captured At:1417

Very slowly the morning and I are becoming friends. The rough outline of a schedule I began implementing has, in some ways, been an extremely positive change. It has also been a challenge. Keeping to a schedule goes against every natural inclination within me, however I have discovered the critical key that has allowed us to coexist thus far: keep it flexible. With that in mind, I have opted to use my first hours this morning to put down words of a personal nature instead of the academic one originally planned. And perhaps that's as good a place to start as any.

Yesterday's rains delayed the departure of many from work. I tagged along to the breezeway with one of my coworkers who wanted a look at how bad it was outside and we ended up watching the wind and the lightning for a good while. I had forgotten how amazing the rain sounds in that hallway and reminded him about the time I dragged him there to listen to it only to be asked, "Can I go back to work now?" To say I'm a bit of a pest is probably an understatement, especially after this week.

When it cleared up enough to go home I was wished a wonderful weekend.
"Yeah, it'll be great," I replied. "I'll be spending the entire time with my research paper."
"How romantic."

It seemed like an odd choice of words, especially given the prevalent thought of the week. A thought that appeared out of nowhere one morning and every subsequent day could do nothing but further confirm. "Good God, Bec, you are completely in love."

Me? Impossible! But there it was.

And I realized that who I am always has been. It's just not in a way most people would understand even if they've seen it in me. After all, how could one possibly be in love without an object of affection? Surely such a thing borders on madness. But tell me, how often does logic actually play a role in the emotion of love?

There is no place more incredible and more terrifying than where I discovered myself to be this week. To know you have risen beyond the past, beyond current circumstance and beyond fear of the future to an existence that feels perfect is indescribable. All of the clichés become reality. Nothing is impossible. You're walking with a bounce in your step and a song ready to burst forth from your lips. You want the entire world to know that you have found everything you ever wanted and more. I know this feeling well; far better than I should.

Being overwhelmed by such intense emotion makes one incredibly vulnerable. The natural desire is to pour that love into whoever has awoken it and have them shower the same affection in return. The quickest glance, the lightest touch and the shortest conversation are dissected in every possible way to either give hope or destroy it. I love. Could I really be loved back?

The lucky ones get a positive answer to that question. The ones who don't become the sad stars in tales of unrequited love, some of whom never recover.

Where I am has commonality with both. That's what makes some of the days so difficult. The world is an amazing place of promise illuminated by the brightest sun imaginable, but how can you bask in the rays when you know not from which direction they come? How do you keep warm until you find them without settling for something artificial or unnatural? How can the love exploding within you ever feel adequately returned when you know not what has motivated it?

They're questions to keep in mind for sure, but not ones of any significance at the present moment. The significance is in the reawakening. In remembering who it is I was that brought me to everything I have now and who I will need to carry me forward to everything I am destined to have later. It wasn't a girl of self-doubt and fear. It was a girl who believed anything was possible even if she didn't understand how. A girl alive and in love without reason trying to share that joy with anyone receptive because she knew something that incredible was never meant to be selfishly contained. A girl who somehow believed she could do anything.

Given all of that, a silly research paper should be nothing. Time to go put some robots on the moon...

Captured At:1136