All Is Calm

I'm slightly sad as I sit here to write today. I find the page calling out, "Bec! Where have you been?" And I have no good answer to give it.

It's been a long week. By Tuesday evening I was describing it with "Ever have the feeling that you're trying to save the world and you're just not winning?" It's not a hopeless or even a helpless feeling, but it is tiring. I'm trying to do good things for people and I hate to fail at that.

Thursday night I left class thinking, "Well, I'm toast. But I'm going out fighting." Though it seems a bit twisted, I have actually enjoyed the fact that the first part of the homework assignment has been on my mind since then. I'm being forced to really think again. I cannot recall the last time I felt challenged, and I have come to recognize that as being very important for me. It is fantastic to stretch my brain out once again. I rarely feel at my best unless I'm pushing myself in some way.

The more I look at it the further convinced I am that this school thing will be good for me. Unlike the first time around I can actually see myself devoted to learning instead of going through the motions. Will that last? I think it has to.

I had wanted to reboot my website, but I didn't make it. I could have if I had made it a higher priority. The first design got scrapped when I sat down for the second marathon session. I tossed everything and started over again. In some ways it tells me I'm not looking out for myself enough. Why lose time in front of the TV or watching somebody else try to overclock their computer when I know there are things I could be doing for me instead?

If I'm honest I know the answer to that even if I don't especially like it.

And this, dear page, is the best I can do for you today. Nothing deep or insightful, nothing funny, nothing alarming. I'm still here. For now that will have to be enough.

Captured At:1731

Don't Drink the Water...

When you turn the knob the correct way you expect water to begin rushing from the faucet. On this occasion the flow was noticeably lighter than usual; far from ideal from the shower one desires after a brisk walk on a hot day. A quick check of the sinks produced the same results. Then the water shut off completely.

Sundays are not the ideal time for a situation like this because nobody can be reached for information. Was it just my apartment, or was there some sort of maintenance going on that we had not been informed of? How long was the water expected to be out? How concerned about it should I be?

No answers were to be found.

Well, there went the rest of my day. Misfortune placed my sister at the other side of the computer screen and she heard all of it. I was beyond frustrated.

When the flow returned to normal an hour later, the fixtures produced liquid with varying shades of brown from tea-colored to coffee. Once again I vented into the IM window thinking "To hell with it all, I'll just stay put". Then it struck me that nothing was to be gained with that sort of attitude. Being stubborn wasn't going to make my water come back.

Before departing for my sister's I checked the system one more time. As the brown sludge slid down the drain it suddenly dawned on me how spoiled I was. I knew there were places in the world where running water was a luxury most would never have, and that in others the faucets always ran brown but nobody complained because at least the water was moving. If I were in one of those places, how would I react?

"Stop being so ungrateful and spoiled," I said to myself. "If this is the worst problem you have right now you're pretty lucky." It was a moment of perspective I desperately needed. I could no longer be angry.

Though I often say that I have been given much the things I cite don't generally take trivialities like water into consideration. I would never have entertained the possibility of being spolied, but I realized there are certain conditions I simply expect will be met. Some would say that given the amount of work people in this country have done to built it up over the past 200+ years I deserve the sort of "luxury" I live in. I disagree.

I could have been born into a third world country just as easily as a little town in Upstate New York USA. Did I deserve to be in one over the other? Certainly not, but the latter is what I was given. How much of what I have now would even be possible were I living in a different "world" under different circumstances? My vote goes for "slim to none".

It seems silly to say this, but that afternoon I took what may have been the best shower of my life. I was able to fully appreciate every aspect of what is generally a dull morning ritual. I think that's a good perspective to have and I can't help but wonder how much more I have overlooked. My life is wonderful in ways I will never believe I deserved.

Everything we have is a gift. Yes, even the stuff that's bad or broken. Perhaps if we were more aware of that we would use our lives differently.

Captured At: 155

There's No Passion in Perfection, My Son...

At various points in my life people have commented that my standards are impossible. I have been called a perfectionist despite my oft-stated disbelief in human perfection. I have been dubbed an overachiever when I have barely squeaked by far more often than people realize.

I was told once that anything worth doing is worth doing badly. I suppose the theory is that if doing something matters enough it makes little difference how proficiently it is accomplished. The important thing is that the effort is expended. When I pick an instrument up for the first time which matters more - the number of sour notes I hit or the fact that I tried?

We are not instantly good at most things we embark on in life. It takes time and experience before our abilities are anything worth mentioning, and if we don't get out there and give it a shot we'll never know what's possible.

That's an encouraging idea, however I have also been told the exact opposite. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well. Why go out there in the first place if you don't intend to give the very best you have? Why settle for less than you know you are capable of? And if your best isn't enough, maybe it isn't the right venue to be playing in or the right time to be there.

With respect to the things I actually care about, my standards put me into the second camp far more often than the first. I have no doubt this makes me seem unreasonable and demanding in certain circumstances. Even I feel that way about myself sometimes. On the reverse though, it's tough feeling like people don't care nearly as much about things that I think should be important. It's also frustrating knowing that the circumstances aren't going to change.

All I can conclude is that there's a certain level of pride and arrogance in here on my part. My perspectives may not be right. I'm young and inexperienced and know nothing about how the world really is despite all of my musings and assumptions about it. And even if I am correct, who am I to force my personal code upon anybody else?

Having a high bar doesn't bring happiness easily. It's a life riddled with failures and second guessing and comparisons to those consistently making lower jumps with ease, but the satisfaction of hitting that mat after successfully arching over the target is worth it. I don't care what anybody else thinks. My bar is staying put.

Captured At:1840

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move on...

15 Minute Brain Dump

I want to make sure I write something today, so I have given myself 15 minutes to put down whatever comes to mind. I make no promises as to its worth.

I'm taking my sweet time getting to work today. I have nothing going on this morning to rush in for and I know I will make up the hours on the other end when I go to class tonight. I was slightly nervous about the whole "back to school thing", but I am enjoying it very much. Putting my mind to work and feeling like I'm comprehending the material is very uplifting. It's nothing like the last time around.

Part of my first Astrodynamics assignment was to pretend I was an 18th century physicist or astronomer with a highly accurate telescope, then explain how I would determine the radius of the earth and the distance to the moon. After working through an answer to the first and posing some theories on the second I added another paragraph that began, "Now for the cheesy way out of both questions..." I then pointed out that I would not have been a physicist or astronomer in the 18th century because I am female, and would therefore have to ask one of the males in my life and see if they determined such a question worthy of an answer.

When I got my homework back there was a note written next to it that said "See attached". Under the paperclip with the remainder of my assignment was a packet of web page printouts all providing biographical information on 18th century female physicists, astronomers and mathematicians. I laughed.

This morning, as with Monday, I enjoyed what I would love to see become a morning ritual. Starting the day with a walk around the park feels so nice, and it gives me time to enjoy the outside world that I have been missing lately. I'm not an undergrad anymore; my entire life doesn't have to revolve around the place where I spend the majority of my day. So, while it appears I don't need Tuesday and Wednesday off next week for the wedding, I think I may take it anyway and put the time to good use for me. God willing there will be nice weather and I can enjoy some time by the water.

Ah yes, the wedding. Just a week and a half away now. Last dress fitting was yesterday afternoon, family starts arriving early next week, seating chart is finished, I have my assigned reading, and I haven't fallen over while trying to get used to the heels I need to wear with my dress. The only thing I know I have left hanging out that I am responsible for is whatever toast/words I want to say at the reception. I was brainstorming this quite a bit on my morning walk and I know I can do well with it. I'd better, really. I only get one shot to do it right.

As I walked back into my complex from the park a truck for the ground/landscaping people was pulling out. The scent of grass clippings and well used machinery carried me back to my grandparents' house up in middle-of-nowhere-but-oh-so-gorgeous New York. I am so fortunate to have such fantastic memories of "growing up". I love my family and I am so thankful for the life I have had.

And with that I suppose it's time to get myself ready and head north. We have a shuttle on the pad again, and to me the world is always a more exciting place when we do. I spent quite a bit of time there last week, but it never seems to be enough. I am so in awe of what we are able to accomplish, and I cannot wait to see the next program come on line and know that I had the privilege of having a small part in making it happen.

Captured At: 921

Wedding's on my Mind...

Fridays are what we tend to call "NASA holidays". These are days that aren't technically federal holidays, but ones you can be sure most civil servants will be taking off. This includes any day that creates a 4 day weekend when attached with an actual holiday. With Monday being Memorial Day it wasn't a surprise that there were very few people around yesterday.

And while most of my coworkers were out, I was spending what will be my last day in the office for a week. The wedding is T-minus 7 days 3 hours 13 minutes and counting. It's not mine, but it feels like a huge deal. And, really, it is. My objective as it all winds down has been keeping focus on my sister. If I stop for one second to think about myself it won't end well. At least I'm aware of that.

As I have talked with people about this event questions and comments have been slipped in regarding me and my singlehood. No, I don't feel any pressure to "settle down". You don't get further from married than I am, and I'm okay with that. It's nice to know people want to see me happy and with somebody, but it is also important to remember that happy is the important part. Single or not, what makes me happy is knowing I have people like them who care about me. Everyone should be so lucky.

My walk around the park today was once again consumed with thoughts of what I will say at the reception. Determining what my goal is has helped tremendously. I think the major things are starting to reveal themselves and it's now a matter of putting together the pieces.

It has had its moments of being tough, but overall I'm excited. I'm looking forward to the girliest moment of my life because I know it's for the best cause there is. I'm happy that so much of my family is coming down and we can see each other in celebration once again.

Time has moved so fast. It continues to do so. The whole thing will be over before I know it and, really, nothing will have changed. The only indication anything has happened will be a collection of photos and a few more folds in my memory speaking to the sweetness of life. It's a good thing. The best. But how could it not be? That's what love is.

Captured At:1440

There's a certain convenience in getting an old email address back. Seeing the 2.25 year gap between dates on the messages is a little odd, but it's a beautiful thing when all that's required to go back to business is the entry of a new password.

My Fl Tech email address had my entire life attached to it. I see the folders for my old filters running down Thunderbird's sidebar and it doesn't seem possible that the part of my life they speaks of ended years ago. Here I am lounging on the futon, checking an fit.edu email address, pondering the text that will make up my next speaking appearance, and taking a break to jot down some thoughts for a post. Once again I see that nothing changes.

Friday will mark the 3rd year since my first day at NASA, but I won't be there to see it. Being home today has been a mixture of nice and strange. The addict in me is still checking in with the nasa.gov address and I'm sure they roll their eyes every time I reply to something wondering why I can't go away and actually stay out of touch like a good vacationer should.

Maybe I do work too much. This morning my next door neighbour seemed surprised to see me out at the pool. She said she's getting married this fall and will be moving out around August. I hope her replacement isn't as irritating as the one downstairs has been. The UPS guy was also shocked that I answered the door and commented that I'm never here.

I wonder what it is that suddenly made it so rare that I actually take time for me. So many of my hours go wasted as I sit around stagnant. I see it happening, but nothing changes. I haven't disappeared to the beach since the last time I was scared off of it. I haven't driven into the sunrise in even longer than that. All of these little things I used to love and somehow they've been dropped from my life. I used to be carried off on a whim and now everything that calls out loses the battle.

My visits to the park give me hope. I was awake and walking around there at 8a today. It felt so nice; such a fantastic break from the glow of artificial light and on-the-surface living that have characterized too many of my days. And really, that's what it is. Shallow. Empty. The people I have around energize me, but I can't seem to hold onto that when I'm alone anymore.

That's not the sort of life people want for me. It's not really what I want for myself either. And it is here that I become most thankful for the self-awareness I've been given. I know who I am. I think I would be far worse off if I didn't see that.

And I am trying to take care of her. Some days it comes easier than others, but on the whole I think I'm protecting her in all of the ways I should have a long time ago. So maybe it's not stagnation I'm suffering from. Maybe it's trying to understand how to operate within the world when so much has changed.

Of course that's rather in contrast to where I started, isn't it? I was flashing back to my world just prior to graduation as I sit here days away from another one of life's major events. These big changes don't get any easier for me, and that's really odd in this case because, other than the number of rings on my sister's left hand, nothing will be different.

That's about all I think I can put into today's mental dump. My brain is tired and my father is en route to assemble some chairs for my porch. Only took 3 years for me to finally get some sort of furniture for out there. I'd say it's about time...

Captured At:1538