There's this one stretch of my walk around the park where I always abandon the road for a less traditional route. I'm acutely aware how strange it must be to see a 25 year old trying to balance all hundred and some-odd pounds of herself on a wooden railing, but the appeal remains. Sometimes I even get a smile from others walking or driving by. That's probably the best part.

Tonight I went out pretty close to sunset for a brisk lap and found myself slowing to walk the fences yet again. Usually I laugh to myself as I go, often breaking into a giant grin as I inevitably fall off. I still did that this time, but I saw more in this simple silly act than usual.

When I looked forward I was more focused on my destination than when I looked down at every little slip up I was making along the way. I had to keep going, one foot in front of the other, trusting that my sneaker would come down on a good spot. In some places the rail was thinner than I was comfortable with, but I had to chance it anyway if I wanted to succeed at my goal of making it to the other end. When I lost my balance there was always the choice to give up and return to the more conventional path or to pull myself back up and give it another go. And though I could make it between posts quickly, it was more challenging and rewarding to progress slowly.

Somehow this childish balancing act of mine had revealed itself as a metaphor for life. Maybe part of the challenge is remembering that it's all just a silly game and there's joy to be found even in the falling off.

It has been really nice to play these past couple days. I've driven to work in the mornings trying to pick out the spot where our canoe braved the river and wishing I could play on the water all day. I have a wonderful vision frozen in my mind's eye of the four of us standing in the yard afterward picking the tiniest tangerines I have ever seen and eating them right off the tree. It made me think of summertime and raiding the raspberry bush we had in our back yard when I was a kid. I still miss those days, but more than anything I'm thankful for them.

Once again I see that there's simply no way to predict the turns life will take. I never would have imagined that I could be as comfortable as I was in groups of people barely above complete strangers, but the usual thoughts never came. It was nice to relax, talk a little, cook out, watch some TV, and enjoy being with people outside the gates for a change. I won't presume it to be a permanent thing, but I do plan to enjoy it when I can. I only get to be a kid for so long.

Captured At: 038

Another Milestone on Life's Road

This weekend I went out to Gainesville for UF's annual Coating Ceremony for their first year Pharmacy class. Not all schools do it, but they seem to think it's a big deal. I'm glad I could be there to support one of the people I love most in this world. It might just be me, but I think my sister was born to wear that white coat.

Days until the white dress: 55.

Time certainly marches quickly, doesn't it?

Captured At:1615

"And now I wish I were somewhere other than here"

At the moment I'm engrossed in a world of "everyday things change, basically they stay the same". As I lost my Tetris game just minutes ago one of my favorite Train songs began playing through my headphones. Part of me says to enjoy this downtime because life will get much crazier once classes begin in a few weeks. The other part of me sees no point in sitting around with nothing to do and tells me I should just give up and go home.

Hello, April. Now I recognize you.

In 2004 I was feeling the same as I gazed longingly out the help desk door watching the palm trees in the quad taunt me as they danced beneath the sunlight on a gentle breeze. The Shockwave.com daily jigsaw puzzle was my distraction of choice back then. It served as a poor attempt at satisfying my longing to be outside enjoying the beauty of the world around me with friends I loved and would soon leave for an uncertain future. It was tough, but I knew that somehow I would survive.

In 2005 I spent hours at government issue desk wishing I had something to do other than play Zuma and wanting nothing more than to run from the cubicle that confined me. My only window to the outside world was whomever I had to chat with on IM at that moment. It didn't matter the person or the conversation; they were all that got me through the day. I hated where I was almost as much as I hated going home knowing there would only be more of the same. It was tough, and I wasn't sure I wanted to survive.

The aforementioned Train song has just been replaced by a newer one that I have come to love - one that speaks strongly of lost friends and keeping their memory alive. The good ones never really leave you. Perhaps that's my lesson for today.

Last year was the exception. I had two trips that month, decided to finally go back overseas, and to an extent it seemed like life was falling somewhat into place. I felt I was growing, progressing, and finally getting back toward the personality I like in me the most. I was on an incredible high - nostalgic to be sure, but contented and joyful. It was so easy that the question of surviving never entered into it.

Today I have decided that when you feel as much as I did those three years as strongly as I experienced it, it is only natural that a period such as now would seem so blah. I'm still thinking clearly, as I remember doing last year. My emotions are not swinging wildly from one place to the next. I'm asking myself the right kinds of questions - ones I should have but failed to consider before - as life takes its turns. Truth be told, I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

At this moment my world feels different somehow. Familiar, yet oddly foreign. There is no thing, no person, no chain of events driving it. And while some would rejoice at this so-called return to (or maybe it's arrival at) normalcy I find it very uncomfortable. There are some things the human mind cannot handle. For me this may be one of them.

So I guess it's back to Tetris until I decide to log out and leave...

Captured At:1402

He began with the package on top of the pile which, coincidentally, bore the name of our newly assigned project lead. The submittal process for the New Technology Report had resulted in a software award for the civil service members of our team and we had been asked to attend our director's staff meeting to receive the formal certificate. My name came third. "Next, Rebecca - oh, the formal..." He proceeded to read my full name off of the letter and shake my hand as the small audience in the room applauded.

Rebecca. Nobody really calls me that anymore and I think I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it. I worry sometimes that I'm forgetting who she is. Others it's blindingly obvious I can't escape her though it seems those around me will never actually know who they see day after day.

This moment of recognition and the monetary backing it held spawned a few unplanned talks with the people I'm closest to there. These discussions made me realize that for all of the stability I've gained in the past couple years I still suffer through many of the same struggles I have always had. I didn't care about the award and I certainly didn't care about the money. Truth be told I found it a bit insulting the dollar amount was being pushed at me like something I should be excited over. Did they forget who they were talking to? What about me has ever implied that I place value in such a thing?

I was told I'm not the first to feel as I did. That to reward people with things they have in abundance is not generally of value. That knowing the history of how the reward structure has changed is important and newer people don't understand it. That even with these adjustments my generation is a bit different.

"Don't judge my generation based on me," I said.

General dislike of my contemporaries burns behind a statement like that. Most would have plastered news of the "success" in away messages and facebook statuses as their typical show of "look at me and how wonderful I am". Such an action is not something I can get behind, and this sort of boasting usually lowers my opinion of a person. Not that I actually believe my opinion counts for anything, but still.

The question came, as I knew it would, of what the right way is to reward me. If giving one what he has in abundance is of little value, the logical choice is to give to him what he is most severely lacking. And if that's the answer, the issue is moot because in my case it's not something they can give or do. Even if they could, I have come to the point where I recognize that it will never be enough.

A few long talks were nice, though I'm surprised it hasn't been determined as of yet that I am completely crazy. I think maybe that's what happens when you have an abundance of time to think and very little opportunity to share the truth. As it played out I opened myself up far more than I do to most, but I know that when tomorrow comes it will all have been forgotten. I mean no offense in saying so. That's usually the way these things happen.

Captured At: 145

"There are certain people you just keep coming back to..."

Few things in life feel as good as embracing an old friend. Unlike other times, stepping through this unfamiliar door felt natural, almost like I had found a portal to my old life. The instant reconnection was obvious and "I'm so glad we did this" quickly took its place among inside jokes as one of the evening's frequently uttered phrases.

The guys discussed their top country songs as "Smoke Rings in the Dark" carried me back to my freshman year. The old friends reunited then weren't mine, but I remember watching their high as they tore around town in a jeep exactly like my two companions and I were now doing. "I can't believe you don't know this one," the visitor told me as we sat in the car that night. "Best song ever. You have to listen to it." He fished out the CD and educated me on a tune that will always take me back to a rough time.

Last night I think all three of us got something we were desperately in need of, perhaps without realizing just how much. For me it was a sense beyond emotion, circumstance or description, and my mind was quiet in a way I haven't experienced in a long time.

As I check the clock in the upper part of my screen I catch a date that carries me off to a sunset a moment and an eternity ago. The world feels almost the same as it did then and my mind is quiet in a surprising way. Throw in the haunting melody coming through my speakers and the concoction is almost too strong.

There are a few people out there I am certain I will never quite shake. Though how I feel about that fact varies, I remain grateful for the pieces of them still with me. Perhaps an island with a few swimmers isn't so bad after all.

Captured At:2140

"So let me ask you a question," I said. "At what point do you draw the line between one person's rights and another? How do you decide where somebody's right to commit an act infringes upon somebody else's right not to be affected by it?"

As the answer to this unfolded the pair I was conversing with began explaining differences between the schools of thought they subscribe to with regards to the concept of rights. Philosophy graces a list of subjects I have never taken the time to familiarize myself with, most likely due to a lack of interest on my part.

Given the existence of this page I suppose one could say I'm not unlike the philosophers who have pondered humanity and the issues of their time, then resorted to text and spoken word to convey their revelations. I believe the important part is not the communication of the conclusions so much as their generation. People need to understand what they hold to be true and also why. They need to formulate their own theories and constantly evaluate them to develop their own conclusions about the existence they possess.

I'm not even sure it matters if anybody else understands. Somewhere tucked away in our minds we create our own reality - a reality that another man's logic is incapable of penetrating without our consent. I will see the world my way until I am marginally receptive to having my perception altered.

And my perception was challenged. "I'm envious of the future," he said. "I have hope for it and I want to be there."

The comment was on a global scale. Look at the potential for technology, for medicine, for science. Given how far civilization has come over the centuries is it really that difficult to imagine people in the future looking back at us amazed at how we lived without the luxuries they will then be taking for granted?

For more years than I can count I have expressed my belief that the world is going to hell. Translation: things are bad and are only going to get worse. At first it didn't seem like there was any common ground, but I realized the focus of our generalizations was different. I was speaking purely about people. He wasn't.

Yes, the tools and trades will advance. Civilization will improve in more ways than can now be imagined. Our list of achievements will increase many times over. But to me history shows that the more we achieve the more we want regardless of how we have to get it. It shows that we take what we have for granted and live with a sense of entitlement in a world of one - our self.

My external influences this week have provided snapshots of older days; of times I never saw and lifestyles I never experienced. Something about them draws me in and makes me wish certain aspects of the world I live in were more like they once were.

I read something recently that said conservative people cling to the old because they have difficulty adapting to new situations and need the security it provides. It made them sound like foolish poorly adjusted lost souls struggling through life, but I don't see it as the weakness it was portrayed to be. There is as much strength required to hold firm as there is to bring about change.

Philosophy and politics really come down to the application of logic. To understanding our beliefs, the choices we make, and the whys behind them. To evaluating things intelligently and forming our own conclusions. That's a powerful thing, and quite possibly the most important right we have.

Captured At:2332