"Take it all in it's as big as it seems..."

I’m currently relaxing on the customary perch at my usual beachside park. Any intention of returning home to do laundry and other chores melted when I left my sister’s apartment and discovered the clouds had dispersed enough to show a few stars. I daresay the sky is the greatest hindrance to productivity I have, but I’ll take it.

Yesterday was the first attempt at launching STS-121. Travel, catching up after travel and recovery from travel kept me farther away from activities like roll out than I would have liked, so I couldn’t wait to reach the cape and finally see the orbiter unobstructed by the RSS again. The excitement built with each sign I passed on A1A expressing support for the shuttle and its crew, and with every person I passed who was already camped out in anticipation. In my head Buffett was singing the part of “Floridays” about dreamers lining the state road and I was reveling in the unmatched feel of the Space Coast on launch day. I think you have to be here to understand.

I managed to keep my focus on the work I set out to do while I was alone at the office, but each time I found a person to talk to I could feel the anxious five year old inside of me jumping up and down. Once I accepted that I wouldn’t get anything more accomplished I went off on a bit of a wild goose chase that had been suggested to me. Several of my trips speak to the idea that when I think I've seen a person for the last time I'll take any opportunity that arises after to catch them.

I don’t think I actually expected to be successful, but it was the effort that was important. It also gave me a chance to wander around where another crowd had gathered to wait for the show and remind myself what I’m part of. I still can’t quite believe it. Strange as this may sound, I hope I never do.

The thunder that first woke me up this morning suggested we would probably scrub again. The belief that conditions had improved before I woke up the second time was proved false as the skies opened up during my drive south. I left the window down and hung my arm out the window anyway as it rained into the car, and when I got out I carried no umbrella. Sure it was wet, but the very dampness of the drops hitting my skin was a thrilling reminder that I was alive.

Playing in the rain is good for the soul. Even Milo got into it on the way home as we regaled in the motorist’s version of jumping in puddles. I was the only driver brave/foolish enough to pick the lane on Wickham that everybody else was avoiding, but the ripples of each splash on his windshield brought a smile of pure joy to my lips. It was yet another occasion where I wished there was a way to capture the moment and later inject those feelings into somebody else. There are too many dark eyes in this world and if I could share just one thing to make them sparkle, even for only five minutes, I would. Maybe that’s silly of me.

This afternoon I got to see one of “my freshmen” who is visiting from Texas. The truth is she’s out of school and married, but she’ll always fall under that heading because I was leader when she started. I may not have always been successful, but I tried to take good care of my kids.

I was a little hurt when it was thought I would bail on these plans for launch attempt number two. For me it was never a question. If I couldn’t work it out to do both, I’d see her. People are what’s important. It took me a long time to see that, but now that I know I’m not about to let myself forget.

Sitting out here tonight I find myself suddenly being taken back to college and the countless hours I spent in silence with a friend as we lay on the beach across from his condo. The air, the sounds, the scents, even the clothes are the same. I can’t believe I’ve been graduated two years already. I can’t believe everybody I used to drag away from their homework to sit outside with me has moved on and moved away. I’ve been told to wait a few years and then I’ll really be surprised at how quickly time can fly past.

A police car has just pulled into the lot. He parked next to Milo, then pulled away and parked farther down. I can’t quite tell, but it looks like he’s blocking the exit. Watch me get a ticket without having the faintest idea which law I was breaking to earn it.

If enjoying the world I’ve been given is a crime he may as well just take me in. I’ve been in violation most of my life and I’m not about to stop now.

Captured At:2355

After two scrubs and a day off, Discovery left the pad last Tuesday allowing our fickle media to gush over the first 4th of July launch in history. The only coworker I spotted roaming our halls on this federal holiday was kind enough to let me tag along with him for the afternoon and poke around a few different areas before the countdown reached zero. It has always fascinated me to see what goes on behind the scenes, even in the days when I was rushing around as the "responsible adult" making sure the event succeeded. It's definitely an environment I thrived in. I loved to know I was making things happen.

I'm told the pre-launch conversation between my mom and one of the holiday gatherings in New York went something along the lines of:

"So is everything on the TV up there NASA, NASA, NASA?"
"Is there anything else? We've had it on all day. Do you think she's there?"
"Do you really think she's not? I bet she's as close as they'll let her be."

Yeah, my mom knows me pretty well.

When I finally had the chance to call up there myself I was on the phone for hours as it was passed from one excited relative to the next. While this happened I couldn't help picturing them all at my Aunt's house and remembering how many Independence Days I spent there as a kid playing Nintendo or splashing around in the pool with my cousins until it was dark enough for sparklers.

There are a number of things I love about Florida, but being down here I miss out on all of the big family gatherings that I know take place as life goes on in my absence. I think about them and I can imagine scents from the grill or coffee pot riding air currents through screen doors. I can hear the volume increasing with each new arrival before reaching the level it will remain at until well into the night. I can see them snacking and laughing and doing the dishes together as the sky dims behind the windows. I'm sure I did my share of complaining about these events as a child, but when I told my aunt I was sorry I wasn't there with them I really meant it.

Falling in line with the general subject matter, my brother called seemingly out of the blue just after I finished writing that paragraph. I'm not sure why, but I always smile when I discover his name is the one illuminating my cell phone. He definitely made my Saturday; one of these days I hope I can return the favor.

Captured At:2311

"You have no power over me."

Lately I've been doing a horrible job of rolling out of bed at a reasonable hour. Saying I need to adjust my sleeping habits is far easier than actually doing so.

Somehow today had me feeling utterly defeated before I even turned they key to wake Milo up for the morning commute. Coming off of a weekend that had gone from bad to worse to great I had plenty of reason to be in high spirits. That didn't seem to matter though. I simply wasn't myself.

On the way home, as each song randomly appearing on the ipod seemed to encourage falling into a severe depression, my defiant streak lashed out. I'd had enough of it. "I get to choose. My feelings don't own me."

This carried me home. It carried me through an hour of frantic juggling and laughter between messages sent to a chat window. It sent me outside beneath a full moon and carried me around a lake I've never lapped with that sort of time. And when it was all done, though my body was still shaking from the puffer and my lungs wanted to leave town, I felt fantastic.

The clock is about to click over to midnight and begin a new day. I get to close the last knowing that I won for no reason other than that I chose to.

It's now Tuesday, July 11, 2006. It's the only one of these I get. And you know what? I choose to win this one too.

Captured At:2346

"I'm coming slow but speeding..."

It was gathering for the weekly telecon that brought up cookies in the first place. Jokingly I asked why we didn’t have any and the answer came back that it was because I didn’t/wouldn’t bring them. This progressed down a path implying that I wouldn’t bake them even if I did.

I couldn’t let that go. I took requests, and two days later arrived with a pair of plastic containers filled to the top. I walked into the first office, left the appropriate one on the table, and walked out to the sound of laughter behind me. I walked into the second office, handed the other to a coworker standing outside of his cubicle in conversation, and kept walking. Part of the motive behind this all was playful. Part was frustrated defiance: Don’t tell me what I can’t or won’t do.

I suppose it’s not really possible to cater to the whims of freedom without being somewhat of a slave to the allure of control. I know I’m guilty of this; I see it in myself all the time.

One of the arenas where this kicks in is when I find something about me which I don’t like. A while back I dubbed the slower cars on the road as “an Exercise in Patience”. I forced myself to both stay behind them longer and keep more distance than was usual. I’m not sure it has helped my overall battle with patience, but I’m certainly a happier and safer driver for it.

With this in mind, it should come as no surprise that lately I’m forcing myself to engage in Exercises in Confidence as well. This is extremely difficult, and is not without effects far greater than any I experienced during my tests on the road. Performing an Exercise in Confidence requires putting yourself on the line when you’d rather do anything but, and it’s truly a terrifying place to be.

This week’s huge step was sending a few of the emails I had been putting off, not because I didn’t want to, but because I was afraid to. Much to my surprise everybody wrote back. “It’s so nice to see your name,” said one. Wow. I honestly can’t think of a better reception than that.

Among those messages was a mass email – which, for the record, I hate sending – linking to all of the pictures I had been neglecting to share. I had no idea who was actually interested and who was just being nice, but I finally took the chance anyway. Along with the thank yous I received multiple compliments. People seem to think I’m pretty good at this photography thing; that I have an eye. As I put it to a few friends, it’s just me and my little Kodak trapping the world one frame at time. I still maintain that all I do is push the button.

The new boss was named a couple weeks ago and, though I only partially understand why, I realized that I want to sit down with him and talk for a little bit. So I sent an email not demanding an appointment, but saying that when life got a little more settled I’d like to chat sometime if he was willing.

My dad assured me this wasn’t a strange thing to want and told me most people in my position wouldn’t have had the confidence to do it even if they wanted to. Truth be told, it was a huge stretch for me. After stumbling through a 3 line message for an hour I left it sitting there for just as long before I decided to actually fill in the address and click the Button of No Return. Within 10 minutes I had a response I was scared to open.

“Rebecca, I’d love to chat with you…let’s aim for next week.” Again, wow. I think I’m about to discover I actually am still being spoiled with good management – an unfortunate rarity here as others tell it. We’re now scheduled for the afternoon of landing, which I have a seat on the bus to go watch because they drew my name for a pass. Chalk up another pair of chances I’m glad I took.

So where does the bad part come in? I did say this was a terrifying place to be, didn’t I?

Well yes, I did. And for me it really is. Somehow I have no problem running around wearing stupid hats, getting on stage to play with a hypnotist or showing up in pigtails for work, yet every time I take a step as one of these Exercises in Confidence it leaves me questioning whether I’ve just made a total fool of myself. It doesn’t make much sense, but that’s how it is.

The worst part as I’ve progressed these past few days is these insane dreams I keep having. Not only does every move I make completely blow up beyond repair in the unconscious world, but I’m suffering through scenarios which, upon waking, I realize have searched out every area of insecurity I have and painted them a brilliant Queen-of-Hearts red. Some are vague, some painfully specific, and most fade from memory after waking such that I’m only left disturbed with a feeling of total self-doubt and failure. I’ve come to hate sleeping. All it seems to do is tear down a psyche I’m trying to reinforce, yet somehow I can’t get enough of it.

This brings me to the beach on Sunday. I had originally turned away from it to go home, but after a short stretch of US-1 I headed east again. I stood on the sand that afternoon close to the edge of an incoming tide admiring the power of the waves as they pushed water toward me. Engrossed in the music playing through my headphones I closed my eyes and resolved to remain as I was; to ignore the ocean’s reach and trust that I could remain dry. When I finally opened my eyes again and looked down I saw the outline of damp sand was an inch away from my right foot.

I remember thinking at the time that it was metaphorical for life. That when you’re facing things that have the potential to get you, you can’t close your eyes and let nature run its course without having faith in where you stand. Each one of those stupid dreams is another wave trying to frighten me as it thunders into the coastline, but I refuse to open my eyes. I know that where I am – in this case challenging myself to grow – is the right patch of beach. I’m not moving. If I get wet in the process, so be it.

Captured At:2357

Thankfully Sorrowed

Dave is finishing his wailing to round out "Seek Up" from the "Live at Red Rocks" disc. My mind is easily in a few dozen different places as I flip through pictures of the latest office redecoration and I don't know where to focus. There's only one thought that immediately comes to mind and I don't even know how it relates.

Time is a fragile thing, isn't it?

Suddenly I'm just very sad, very homesick, very...I don't know. If you could see inside my head - if I'd even let you poke around - you'd understand. It's not a bad thing, just very strong. I've had a great life. There'd be nothing to miss now if I hadn't.

Captured At:2332

Thankfully Sorrowed, pt. 2

Last night I was overcome with the desire to say something as to my state of mind. I’m thinking much clearer today and, as a result, hope to be better able to explain exactly what it is I’m actually swimming in.

Every morning I drive into work bouncing to the happy music playing in my car. Granted I’m arriving later than I’d like, but I’m in high spirits as I begin the day. I think about triumphantly running up the hallway after successfully winning my battle with the task at hand, the number of gold stars increasing on my whiteboard, the people I’m playing with, and only one conclusion comes to mind. I’m happy. Honestly and truly. Life continues to be imperfect, but my choice is to enjoy what I’ve been given and try to help others enjoy what they’ve been given too.

I love being friendly. I love being able to say nice things to people; to compliment and encourage them. I love talking to people and learning a little bit more about who they are. I like knowing I’m trusted and believing I’m valued. I realize this and I can’t understand why anybody would possibly choose a selfish, unforgiving life riddled with anger and malice.

Then again, I was a mean person once. I loved the thrill of the kill and the rush of power and superiority it brought about. And I can honestly say today that knowing I’ve done something good for somebody else feels a trillion times better than those things ever did. There is no comparison. None.

As I’ve looked around me these past few days it has crossed my mind on several occasions just how fortunate I am. The people I’ve talked to and the things I’ve watched have only reinforced this. Where I am in every sense is fantastic.

"Well, I guess there’s only one problem left.”
“What’s that, your majesty?”
“How much I’m going to miss [them]..."

I’ve come to realize that for as much as I love what I have, it’s only temporary. I look at pictures of my office and know that in a few years it will be like looking at ones of my childhood home or college residences. I know the people will be distant, ever fading farther and farther away before vanishing completely from sight. And it makes me miss today. It makes me wish it didn’t have to stop.

At the same time I know that the only way you ever grow is to keep moving. You have to because you never know what it is that’s about to make the difference in your life. It took a few million lines of text to change my view on the world; 1,200 miles of road to change my personality. It took three minutes at a podium to change my future, the touch of two eyes to change my view of myself, and one prayer to change my faith. Imagine what tomorrow could bring.

Honestly, when I really give pause to consider what I know to be true, it is amazing beyond words. It’s what lights up my eyes as well as what waters them down.

I remember walking out of the theater after seeing “American Beauty” with a friend of mine years ago. Their only comment was how messed up it was - and it really is in more ways than I can count - but I got it. I understood because I already knew, and I’m not sure there’s a single scene that has ever spoken to me more than Lester's monologue at the very end of the movie.

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all. It stretches on forever, like an ocean of time. For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars...
And yellow leaves from the maple trees that lined my street...
Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper...
And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird...
And Janie...
And Janie...
And... Carolyn.
I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain, and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...
You have no idea what I'm talking about I'm sure, but don't worry. You will someday."

There’s a reason the movie people get paid the big money. How on earth does one follow that?

When my time comes, I wonder what I'll see...

Captured At:2222

I've often been told by one of my coworkers about the cultural differences between various centers, the most frequent example being a comparison of the employee reaction to weather warnings. "At Marshall when the tornado siren goes off they all go and hide. At Kennedy we run outside because everybody wants to look at it." Though it never ceases to make us sound crazy, I've laughed every time not quite sure whether it was an exaggeration for effect or actually true.

Today I have seen the truth. This morning a coworker motioned me inside the division office and told me they'd found a waterspout. I joined a congregation at the window and immediately fell in awe of what I discovered stretching from the clouds. I had never seen anything like it.

"I want to go get my camera, but if I do that I'll want to go outside and that would be bad, so I'll just stay here." Jokes were made about taking pictures of us standing by the windows with the spout in the background for use as a safety tip at the next meeting. We photographed the girl standing in the middle of the parking lot taking pictures of it for the same reason.

Finally I broke down. "Can't I go outside?"
"Only if you tell us where your Maya notes are."
"I don't have any written down yet."
"Then no." It would appear they've invested enough time in me that there's actually knowledge in my head they'd hate to have to relearn.

I stayed upstairs and watched out the window as more people appeared outside my building and the one next door. The trail stretched with the moving clouds and nobody moved until it finally broke apart about ten minutes after it had begun. Maybe we at Kennedy are crazy, but somehow the dynamic group adoring the power of weather with me reinforced that I'm in the right place.

Another coworker has since circulated an image from their camera on the roof which caught the whole thing. It put everything I had watched in perspective.

All I can still say is "wow". What an absolutely amazing world we have.

Captured At:2119

"I'm gonna take my chances on, everyday..."

When I walked in and saw what was on the television the task at hand suddenly diminished in importance. I didn't know when they had moved it, all I knew was that I had missed yet another. I wanted to go look. Whatever they were doing next, I wanted to watch.

The response when I expressed this was hesitantly encouraging. In theory everything would be okay; my uncertainty was a lack of familiarity that there's only one way to overcome. "The worst thing they can do is say no," I said. "I've got nothing to lose."

So I went. I tried. And I succeeded. What's more, the people I talked to were wonderful. I love the stories I walk away with when I break away on my own and how much I learn when I give into my curiousity. One even invited me back to observe earlier phases as the cycle repeats itself.

I was told it's rare to see any of us hanging around after first shift. I'm not sure they realized I was there on my own time, but I'd imagine such a thing is pretty much unheard of. I walked into the VAB to discover Atlantis hanging there - vulnerable, exposed, magnificent, and fragile. And in that instant I knew my deviation had been worth it.

I sent pictures upon my return, gushing over what I'd seen and how somebody offered to help educate me in an area they had no way of knowing I was asking about weeks earlier with no success. I never could have predicted the outcome of the venture, but it further proved that all things come with time. That part of the battle is picking what you want and going after it in any way you can.

The email closed with a simple statment that struck me the moment it hit the page. "I guess that's the nice thing about having nothing to lose. There's also everything to be gained."

Captured At:2213

"He hadn't prepared himself for what he might do or say if she initiated a conversation with him, hadn't even thought beyond the moment of being confronted once again, however briefly, with those piercing green eyes he knew so well - No, he forcefully reminded himself, he didn't know these eyes at all, they hid a soul that had been and forever would be closed to him."

It must have been months ago now - easily sometime before Germany - that I was given the instruction. "I want you to find a book," he said, and proceeded to give me both a title and author I had never heard of. He wouldn't tell me what the story was about when I asked, just said that I'd like it. After promising to add it to my list I walked away with curiosity turning the wheels in my head. Why wouldn't he tell me? Why was it something he felt I needed to read? What had I just agreed to?

About a week ago I took a break from reading to educate and pulled this piece of recommended fiction off my shelf. After I closed the covers for the final time tonight I lay very still, holding the book in my hands and looking at the front with no idea what to think or do or say.

I read a review online that said while they usually laud books for how well readers can relate to the characters, this one deserved credit for the opposite. Why, then, did I feel like I'd been hit between the eyes so many times as I turned its pages? I saw echoes of my thoughts, feelings, fears, beliefs, relationships, location, dreams, foolishness, and circumstances in its 310 pages that I never would have imagined. And I don't know if this is because of who I am, what parts of my life have felt like, or because I've developed a strong sensitivity to certain things as the past several years have played out.

More confusing still, there's no way he could have known this when he made his recommendation.

I never mentioned I had started reading it, and probably won't tell him I've finished because I can't blow it off with a simple, "Yeah, it was alright." But maybe I should tell him it's done. Maybe then I'd find out what it is that made me seem the right set of eyes for a collection of words I want to pass on despite lacking the desired recipient.

For some this book has apparently changed how they see their world and their life. There were no new revelations here for me such that it could do the same, but it has certainly given me much to think about. And should the day come where I decide to try my luck, that's exactly the sort of story I want to tell.

Captured At:2359

The thickness of the sea air hit her as she descended the first few steps to the beach. It was dark and deserted, fog blurring the distant lights in both directions along the coastline. She wasn't sure why she had come, but suspected the feel of driving a familiar route on this July night was to blame. The lines between forever ago, now, and eternity had become as hidden as the horizon she knew to exist somewhere beyond the scope of her vision.

Something ached slowly and deeply inside of her, increasing in intensity with each step away from the landing. More than anything she wanted to let it all out - to bare her soul until there was nothing more hidden away - all the while knowing it would accomplish nothing. She had long since acknowledged the difficult truth that there was nobody she trusted; not enough for that. It required a level of understanding found only in the sort of relationship she had spent the majority of her life without.

Over several weeks her eyes had been forced open to discover that being nice came with expectations. Those assumed to be safe had made their passes anyway; those who seemed friendly vanished when it became known there was no possibility of something more. It hurt, but she had just begun to find her footing and knew she wasn't strong enough to survive another wreck. For all the progress she still felt a constant sting of loss she was determined to somehow overcome.

She had stopped walking and turned once more to face the tide. Lightning flashed from behind her and she tipped her head back as she rotated to locate the electric cloud that had sent it through the expanse of purple sky. When the turning stopped she looked down and dropped closer to the sand. Shutting her eyes she mentally zoomed away from a body kneeling in submission to the world growing larger around it until her frame became the insignificant speck she knew herself to be.

Sometimes she felt like she had the whole world fooled. It seemed to know nothing of what actually went on inside her head and gave no indication of truly understanding the pieces of her it saw. This had always made for a frustrating existence, and even explanation of this fact seemed to fall on unreceptive ears.

As she rose and brushed off her knees the wind began to ripple through the loose fabric of her shirt. She examined her hands, turning them from palms up to palms down as if she had never seen them before, and followed the left one as she extended her arms and continued twisting them to twirl her fingers around the breeze. She closed her eyes - arms still outstretched - and began to run.

After a few accelerated steps her sandals flew off and she felt the sand giving way beneath her toes. It became packed and damp until her ankles finally splashed into the ocean. Her movement never slowed as the puddle she stood in grew shallow, and her next powerful stride failed to make contact with anything. Impossible though it seemed, she was floating; being pulled higher and farther into infinity as she charged forward on the wind. She feared that if she opened her eyes she would fall back to earth and lose this newfound sense of freedom forever. Overflowing with awe and contentment she dissolved into the clouds and gave no thought to what she'd left behind.

When she finally opened her eyes she was standing at the top of the staircase breathing slowly as she looked toward the water. Someday, she knew, her wings would be ready. Then she would soar as had so often been predicted, all of the poking and itching that came with growing new feathers behind her. It would take time, but every second on those currents would be worth it and nothing her mind could concoct would ever hold her down again.

Captured At: 141

Of all the questions our panel used to pose during interviews there was one everybody wanted the chance to ask, I suspect because it was more fun than the typical "Why do you want to be here?" or "What do you feel you can contribute?" brand of query. I remember how random it seemed to me as I sat nervously across the table from my six interrogators - most surprisingly familiar - that early autumn evening during my freshman year and heard it for the first time.

"If you were a golf ball and you could land anywhere on campus, where would you go and why?"

Neither I the subject nor I the panelist would see how truly revealing the answer to such an inquiry was. It wasn't until much later that I understood how the chosen location provided a glimpse into who the prospective member was beyond the personality displayed as we conversed.

"With my luck I'd probably land in a puddle," I said. We all laughed at the joke, but thinking of it now I see the insecurity such a response conveys. It was one of second guessing myself and doubting I could make it where I actually wanted to be. "Seriously though," I continued, "If I had my choice I think I'd want to land on the top of the Science Tower." My rationale was that I'd be able to see everything and, while I hadn't been up there, I was certain the view was really nice. I never considered this to be revealing of ambition, dominance, or a desire for power, but I suspect it's why the comments of my inquisitors included that I had leadership potential.

I guess it could be said this little golf ball landed where she wanted both literally and metaphorically...

"So what am I doing next year," I asked glancing at the spreadsheet pulled up in the right-hand monitor.
"That's a good question... Sit down. Let's talk."

And so the conversation continued, mostly with me trying to explain what I've come to understand but don't know how to convey.

I started with what I knew. I like to be busy. I like to see as much as I can and understand how everything links together. I like to have a million things going on and feel like I'm involved somehow.

"I'm ready to start moving. I don't know where I'm going to end up, but if you asked me five years ago where I wanted to be I never would have imagined here. So I just have to keep seeing and learning and going and let it work itself out as it always seems to..."

"There's a reason I'm here. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, but there is. You talked about having watched the shuttle kill 14 people. I know I'm only here because seven of those people died; I can trace the line that put me in this chair. And knowing how I am and how I see things I feel a tremendous amount of responsibility because of that..."

I told him wasting the opportunity I've been given would leave me extremely disappointed in myself and feeling like I let a heck of a lot of people down; that I have to keep working and moving until I feel I've done whatever it is I was brought here to do. I told him I look at the people around me on some of the possible paths he has identified and that I know they're not right and I wouldn't be happy. I told him I need to be higher even though I hate how it feels to say things like that.

And when he asked what higher meant I couldn't explain it. It wasn't about rank or authority as some would assume. It wasn't about power or presumed importance. And it wasn't that I think little of the people around me - people who make up a wonderful group that I'm truly thankful to be part of. It's that my road goes elsewhere...goes further...goes steps beyond in a sense I can feel but lack any ability to grasp or define. It just is, and I'll know it immediately when I get there.

I don't know what he or anyone else thinks when I say these things, and maybe when I return on Wednesday I'll ask because his is one of the opinions I value. I know the parts he agreed with and the ones he couldn't seem to say anything to. I consider some of the responses and what it appears the plan for the next year will be, and what I infer is nothing but positive. I could be wrong, but I really think he believes in me too.

The view from the top of the VAB is one I would love to visually absorb again, but if I were a golf ball and could land anywhere on the space center it would be wherever I would make the most difference. Perhaps that's what "going higher" really means. Perhaps it's my way of saying I'm determined to fulfill some purpose beyond occupying a desk.

I want to make an impact. Let's swing that club and see where I go...

Captured At:2356