Meaning over Definition

Over the last two days I have spent an inordinate amount of time standing in front of my bathroom mirror. The sunburn I was foolish enough to gift myself with a week ago is slowly breaking into a collection of flakes that I would like to see vanish as soon as possible. Naturally I have been trying to assist in accelerating this exodus from my shoulders.

They say beauty is only skin deep, but watching parts of myself wash down the sink I would argue that it does not even make it that far. One only needs to peel back a few layers of skin to expose a raw, tender pink that is not at all pleasing to the eye, and what's removed is not very appealing either.

Beauty does not reside on the surface of a person at all. True beauty, at least in my mind, goes above and beyond any sort of physical trait. Cute or pretty is nice, but beautiful is something different altogether. Beauty speaks about the inner attributes of an individual; it is who they are, not what the eye perceives of them.

Appearances are often and easily faked. The entire cosmetics industry exists for this very purpose. Some would argue these products are designed to enhance, but it seems they are far more commonly used to conceal or recreate. This promotes a form of deception I never quite understood. Why can't people be natural and comfortable in their own skin? Oh, right. It is more important that everyone else think they are beautiful.

Another problem I have with the common conception of beauty is that it seems to only be used with females. I believe a male can be beautiful as well, but due to cultural influences most of them do not like to show it.

Though I can specifically express what I think beauty is not, I find I fail at explaining what it actually is. What I can say with confidence is that when it's there you know it. Strangely enough, part of what brought me closest to understanding love was also in realizing what it was not. Again, when the real thing is in front of you there is no question.

In some ways I think the English language is terrible. It combines a number of meanings into one word, thereby magnifying insignificant usages and lessening the impact when used on the highest, most important level possible.

Take "know" for example. In my studies of foreign languages I have found at least two words used in its place where one is clearly much higher than the other. There is a great difference between knowing and knowing because the second sense implies a much more intimate knowledge. You can know a person yet not know them at all.

Only by using that second sense of knowing can the deeper quality of beauty be seen. If you have not learned to look with those eyes yet, trust me when I say it is a truly amazing thing to behold.

Captured At:1115

Insert Foot: A brief look into the world of rank

A few weeks ago I met with some consultants NASA is using for the culture change initiatives here at KSC. The lead on our project was leaving for an hour to interview for a new position and one of the consultants began spitting out a number of "answers" she should use. Nothing he was saying seemed to be relevant to anything and I called him on that asking if he really believed the stuff he saying.

Yesterday this particular consultant and I met up again to discuss the project I've taken over. During this meeting I was handed a copy of a newspaper article mentioning him and his position within his field of expertise. I paused my reading and looked over at him.

"So you're 'one of the nation's leading strategy and leadership consultants', and the first time I met you I told you I thought you were full of crap?"
"Yes."

For as much as I wanted to be completely apologetic and embarrassed a large part of me was laughing inside; not at him, but at myself. I was reminded of the afternoon I pretty much dismissed any idea of working for NASA when it was presented to me by a man I would later learn was their Associate Administrator for Space Operations.

In some ways I actually think this speaks well for me. People are people; I'm honest with all of them and not intimidated by rank or position. Maybe I should be. Maybe one day this attribute is going to get me in trouble.

As I say this I recall talking to my lead a few weeks back when my connections to people several levels higher than both of us came up. It was mentioned that it was far more important I stay on their good sides and get along with them than with him.

I disagreed. My response was that, for as much as it's nice that they like me, I don't work with them day in and day out. From my view it is far more important that he and I get along because the work we are doing will suffer as a result if we don't. I can't say I recall what his reaction to that was.

Maybe I'm alone in this sort of thinking, but when it comes right down to it we're all the same. My title doesn't make me any better than anyone else, nor does lacking one make me any less. People get so illusioned and crazy over that sort of stuff though - money, fame, titles, anything that creates the illusion of power - and it's all worthless in the end. I learned this as I watched the character of people with these sorts of things and decided nothing they had on the outside made up for what they lacked on the inside.

If it is true that I'm going to soar as high as so many people see me doing my one desire is that I never lose sight of the ground. If I forget who I am in the process of achieving even the lowest altitude I would be better off having never left terra firma at all. Should I start riding the currents too far, please, somebody pull me back. As great as where I could go might be, what I would lose in exchange makes it far too expensive.

Captured At: 837

Lazing

When I walked out my door this morning the strangest feeling came over me. It said to skip work and go running instead. Where that came from is beyond me, so I told the voice no and continued walking to my car.

I have worked many long days this week yet I still am not happy with what has been accomplished. I feel I should have more to show for myself. I feel what I do have still is not where I want it. This evening I decided to stop the specific section I have been working on, write a different one, and then completely change everything I have done up to now. This idea is both refreshing and discouraging.

Life for me lately has been strange. I feel a contentment I cannot trust, and in the middle of that I notice a strange longing I seem happy to have. I cannot make sense of it for the life of me. If I was content I wouldn't be longing and if I'm longing I shouldn't be content, yet somehow this combination has very comfortably worked its way into me. One of the strangest things is that this feeling isn't purely mental or emotional. It slowly skirts the boundaries of my inner skull and rests lightly upon my fingertips. There isn't a thing in the world I feel I can complain about, yet something seems to be lazily hovering just out of my reach.

I felt bad walking back from my mailbox tonight. A small group of the ducks that live in the pond behind my apartment started running toward me excitedly. The paused for a moment as I walked by, confused that I had not stopped for them. I wish I had brought something.

Walking the rest of the way home I thought about how that holds for me in general. There is always more I wish I could be doing. There is always someone I can't help or did not help enough.

I have been told my work is very much needed by my team. I have been told that successfully completing this project will be a huge contribution. They have given me a lot of positive encouragement. Despite this, I still do not feel as though my life is of much use to anybody. I do my work, relax at home for a few hours, and go to sleep so I can wake up to do it again. These statements seem out of line with the idea that I'm content, but I don't feel that I'm not. It is only just now, as I have paused to think about it, that I wonder if I should be doing something differently. But what is there to do?

Maybe the answer is that right now, for as much as I keep telling myself there's something I should be doing, the real task at hand is to do nothing. To wait. I don't feel restless or unsatisfied, so why force myself out of the comfortable mentality of relaxing a bit and letting things happen as they do?

Captured At:2145

Because I have to

My original plan had been to return home and go to sleep, but I have found that when the urge to post appears I am unsuccessful at anything else I may want to do until that publish button at the bottom of my screen is finally pressed. So here I am, procrastinating on sleep with an open laptop and a dwindling package of Oreos.

Tonight I accompanied Melissa to the Sarah McLachlan concert in Orlando. Sarah is by far Melissa's favorite artist and tonight was her first time experiencing the music live.

We walked into the venue just as the opening act, a group from Sweden, was getting started. Their drummer stood out most to me as he was clearly enjoying himself. He was bobbing his head, mouthing the lyrics, and there was something almost primitive about the exaggerated motions preceding the beats.

The environment at the show was, again, much different than I have gotten used to. The entire crowd was seated for all but the last few songs and I don't think the set hit two hours. That's not to say it was bad in any way. Actually, I thought Sarah put on a good show. The stage setup was probably the best I've seen and I was surprised to find that I knew far more of the songs she did than I had originally expected.

Without a doubt the best part was watching Melissa: the way she smiled at several of the songs, the sincerity in her cheers, how much her face lit up when Sarah took the stage for the first time. I was thrown back to my early days with DMB when the people I brought to the show would laugh at me for being the only one in the section on their feet, or when I'd throw my arms up, tip my head back, and sing with all my heart like I was the only one in the venue.

One of the songs Sarah did was quoted by one of the girls who gave a speech at my high school graduation. I remembered choosing to drive by my elementary school on the way home from something either that night or the next when, with perfect timing, the song came on the radio. Tonight I looked at Melissa sitting next to me, just over twelve hours from her college graduation, and I couldn't believe any of it.

I know exactly what I was doing the night before my college career came to an end. It was Melissa's birthday. Bryan and I had stopped by her party. As we returned home things got more interesting. I was up late somewhere between nervous and ready to have it all over. There's a whole period of time leading up to the event that I can see so clearly.

Since our seats were on the floor Melissa and I were among the last to make our way up the stairs to exit the venue. I found a stairway that looked over the back of the stage and stopped for a look. I have always liked the behind the scenes; seeing places before the event or after when they are empty and waiting. Tonight was no exception.

As we walked out of the TD Waterhouse Center I caught a chill in the air that took me back to December of 1998, walking out of the Pepsi Arena in Albany after the last DMB show I would see in the state of New York for years. It was strong enough that I momentarily forgot where I was.

There is more floating around here, but it chooses to not make itself concrete enough to share. I am somewhere between past and present, fact and fiction, dreams and realities, what is, what was, what may be, and what never will be. Somehow that's just enough to keep the thinking turned on and the urge to write turned off. I do believe I can finally attempt to sleep.

Captured At: 035

After the Nap

The girl stirred as guitar chords broke the silence of her room on schedule. What little of the dusk remained crept around the plastic boundary provided by the blinds and sank slowly into her eyes. The world she had just left held more appeal then the one she had returned to. The visions she'd had pre-slumber refreshed themselves in her memory and she longed to let her mind fade away once again, but to do so meant shattering an already fragile routine. She had taken enough risks as it was.

A bit grudgingly she slid from beneath her covers, silenced the destroyer of her peace, and squinted as she walked to splash water into eyes slightly sore from the contact lenses tightly clinging to them. A trail of light was left behind her as she worked her way from the bedroom to the comfort of her usual chair. The laptop resting on the table provided her only real outlet to the world. Much like her, much like the apartment she sat in, it was silent.

Scanning the usual list of names that rested at the right side of the screen she thought how little difference it made what remarks they had left behind for any who would look. She was uncertain what her next move would be, but she was sure none of the people there would be part of it. They never were.

She set down her computer and sank further into her chair. After following the thin lines across the oversized earth-tone shirt she wore her eyes then began to trace the bare legs propped up on the table and she wondered how to translate them into a less free space.

Numerous things that could be done with a night so young came to mind, but she did not want to move. The weight of lunch held any idea of a venture to walk or run or skate firmly in place outside the borders of serious thought. There were books to be read and images mentally taking shape in a sketchpad across the room. Perhaps those things could occupy her.

Despite these fleeing thoughts she remained still. The only movement was a slight lifting of the arms resting on her stomach as she inhaled. None of them seemed to satisfy her. She feared no realistic idea ever would.

Captured At:2110

Overwhelmed

It starts with a harmless lowering of the window. Greetings are exchanged, the badge is approved, and the window slowly goes up as I exit the gate.

By then it's too strong. The window changes direction once again and I'm lost in a place I haven't seen for years. The air outside tells me that as the sun rises the world will become much warmer. I note the golden color of the grass and feel a small smile rise from my face.

I think of the deserted roads and the fields winding their way through the mountains. Perhaps what I'm caught up in is the sense that summer is coming. I don't think I need the months on the calendar to tell me when I am. The specific days aren't nearly as important as the times and senses and feelings that go with them.

I'm no more willing a slave to the calendar than to the clock. These deaf tyrants steal and control without mercy. Can nothing stop them in their conquest?

Time goes forward, that's true. Charging, floating, hurrying - it's all the same. But sometimes, even if only for a moment, we can halt it in its tracks with magic.

I'm not talking spells or amusing deceptions. I'm talking about an amazing, unnamed indescribable that somehow transcends everything as it drifts freely, only visible as the sparkle in eyes that feel it.

Somehow, with all the dark eyes in this hard, tired world it keeps coming back to mine. It floods my senses at this very moment because it realizes I know, and there's simply nothing left to say.

I surrender.

Captured At:1334

Dost mine watch deceive me?

About twelve hours after I locked the office door for the night I was standing outside of it again, this time to let myself back in. As I walked from the parking lot this morning I wondered how what I've been working on is any different from what I stopped doing. Writing code in a cube or writing English in a cube... Hmm...

The environment in the office is different these days though I can't place my finger on why. Maybe it's because we have a release coming up in a few weeks. Or perhaps its simply because I've become comfortable in my surroundings and have no problem running off topic with the guys or giving them a hard time. Our detailee was dubbed the "Metrics Nanny" yesterday. The others seemed really into my idea of a formal ceremony to appoint her to the position, but she wasn't so sure. A little fun isn't so bad though.

The only other thing of note this morning is the sun. Between glances at my speedometer and the rear-view mirror to check the position of the police car behind me I watched a molten orange fireball playing hide and seek between dark blue puffs. One of these days I will probably go blind from all of the stares directly into the sun, but I'd say it's worth it. The edges of the clouds were glowing and I could see slim single rays lightly nudging the world awake.

Once on base I observed the reflection of this in the various pools of swamp water that run along the road. It's a silly thing, but I always found altered perspectives much more appealing. The reflection in the water was a nicer world, the reflection in the mirror showed a much better arrangement of the room, and the view of a room when hanging upside down from the couch was so much cooler that I was sure all houses should have been built that way to start with. I guess I just like seeing the world differently every now and again.

And you know, I don't think a fresh perspective is a bad thing either.

Captured At: 724

Divergence

As I lay under an old blanket that almost matched the newer covering on the pillow beneath my head I realized how large and slightly intimidating my apartment is. I pushed my back into the upright cushion of the futon for some sense of security in a room lit only by a small light casting stars onto the wall. Wrapping Tigger and I up tighter I noticed a very distinct scent to the blanket that I could not place. Still, something in it made me smile and I drifted off into a calm slumber.

At 5am sounds emerged from my laptop, resting on its side upon a table across the room. I lowered the volume and slid back into my nest to find a few more threads of sleep before the phone alarm would alert me that another half an hour had passed. Instead I woke to the sound of birds encouraging the new sun as it crawled hesitantly up the sky. Many would have bolted upright and gone searching for the nearest clock to tell them how large of an error they had made, but I chose to remain in my insouciant state for a bit longer. When I finally arose to conduct the normal morning rituals I found it was nearly seven. I had woken with plenty of time to spare.

While beads of warmth pounded my back I recalled something I had neglected to comment on when I wrote yesterday. This triggered two different lines of thought originating from a very simple scene in the office. I had walked out momentarily and returned to find the door half open. A brief investigation revealed this had been my doing, so I apologized and logged into my computer saying, “Forgive me father, it has been five minutes since I remembered to close a door.”

This elicited a response from the cubicle next to mine that began with, “I can’t believe people confess to a man…” I concurred, stating my view on that was known and was why the Catholic Church didn’t like me. A third party entered into this conversation saying something along the lines of, “You seem to have a lot of people who don’t like you.” I laughed and said the reason for that is that I’m honest. I explained the story behind my remark, adding that most times when I say someone doesn’t like me I generally have a pretty good idea why; not always, but usually.

The first line that appeared this morning was that it is only natural the impression would be given that I have a lot of people who don’t like me. When you hear more of one thing than another, what is said to you most often tends to formulate your picture of reality. I know plenty of people who think well of me - some higher than I think is accurate - but I’m having a hard time reaching into the past and finding a time when I explicitly stated that some one liked me. To do so seems very presumptuous and egocentric. Constantly talking about how many people like me feels too much like screaming, “Look at me and how wonderful I am!” when I’m well aware how flawed the human being sitting here at the keyboard is.

Line two started with the Catholic Church and stretched farther than I imagined. Falling in line with the previous day’s events the first thing that came to mind was confession. One of the things they stressed from the time we were small was the fact that God was always there, could be talked to at any time, and knew everything. Taking that into consideration I never understood why we had to go sit in some dark little room telling some man how sorry we were for what we’d done if God should know already. Why did we need some one else in the middle? When I hear about how there was a time you couldn’t take communion unless you’d gone to confession I wonder how you force people to do something that doesn’t fall in line with the most basic things you’re trying to teach. It never seemed quite right to me.

When I was little I would summarize church as an hour of sitting, standing, and kneeling. We stand up, we sit down. We stand up, we sit down. We kneel, we sit, stand up. We chat in response to the priest with flat, emotionless tones. The process continues. And that’s very much what it was – a process. We cycled our motions. We cycled our readings. It was a very well scripted routine that seemed to serve no real purpose. We were in God’s house, but where was he among our robotic actions?

I can remember rare occasions when I’d sit in the pew and catch sunlight coming through the windows in the ceiling that gave a sense He wasn’t so far away. There were times I’d sit on the altar looking out at the crowd and realize the significance of what I was about to do - stand up and present them with the word of the Lord. But those events were few and far between. They’d preach to us about giving our time, talent and treasure to God. He had my talent and my time, which were all I could give. I was at mass every week in the second row with my family and every member of it was actively involved. On the outside it looked like I was doing it all right. On the inside I was growing more doubtful, dissatisfied, and rebellious.

When the actual decision that I wasn’t sure I believed was made isn’t something I can answer. I could never flat out say there wasn’t a god, but I knew I didn’t like what I’d been given. I had equated God with the religion I grew up practicing and carried my unhappiness with one over to the other. What I cannot figure out is how I didn’t completely walk away. My values, ethics and morals didn’t change even when they weren’t popular or I suffered for going against them. I watched the world around me with just as much wonder and, in some ways, even more longing than before. I still had hope even when I wasn’t sure where it came from. Somewhere in there I learned to separate out the two; it was organized religion I disliked, not the idea of God. In the end it was really people I didn’t believe in.

Finally ready to leave I folded my blanket, switched the away message on my computers, and went out the door. The clouds I had noticed when I looked out the window less than an hour before were nowhere to be seen. It was another lovely Florida day and I was very much glad to be alive.

Captured At: 914

After Hours

Most of the people who bustle around my building during the hours that make up a work day were gone long before I locked my door at 745 last night. The sound of my keys banging against the door echoed from boths ends of the hallway as it wrapped itself through the maze that makes up the interior of the second floor. I glanced down rows of locked doors and could feel an extra presence there with me. There's history in those halls known only to the ghosts behind the locked offices.

I exited to find the day star had turned a hot orange and carried a gentle ferocity I could not look away from. Much higher in the sky the moon smirked at his success as he drove the challenger further away so his light could reign over its appointed time. I put my belongings in the car and chose to take a short walk around the running trail that meanders the grassy area around the parking lot. I played on some of the bars set up along it and walked away embarassed at how physically weak I had become.

I returned to my vehicle and began the drive home, slowly noticing day had faded to darkness. A saxaphone flowed through my ears as I watched the street lights I was driving past, and I wondered how I had worked myself into another scene that seemed so unreal.

The moon rested above the building when I reached my destination. His smile glowed triumphiantly and I felt my lips and eyes mold to form a soft smile of their own. Pale splashes of lavendar drifted in a sea of muted blue and I was flooded with peace as I walked up the stairs. It was late, quiet, and calm; just the way the end of a day should be.

Captured At:1838

Waking

My eyes are still closed when I become aware that my rest has ended. The warmth I'm intertwined with beneath the sheet serves as a comfortable reminder that I am not, and have not been alone. Who has more tightly wrapped themselves around the other is impossible to determine. I hesitantly raise my eyelids, fearful even that motion made too quickly may wake you.

It's early. The drops of sunlight trickling into the room gently kiss your face, illuminating a peace seldom seen during the day. Years of life melt into a delicate innocence I'm moved from deep within to protect. Your fragile form resting in my arms is truly the greatest gift I have ever received.

A light expression forms from the corners of my eyes and mouth as I move my hand to lightly brush the hair from your face. I can feel the ghosts of sensation in my fingers as I trace the side of it, barely touching the skin. The motion is repeated a few more times before my hand comes to rest cradling your jaw. You remain still, and my smile becomes slightly more pronounced as the room continues to brighten. I move closer and lightly kiss your forehead.

Quietly I tell you I'm there; that you're safe to sleep as long as you desire. I encourage your dreams to take you wonderful places and I shower words of care upon your ears. In that moment every thought, every wish and hope, every dream I have is centered on you.

You.

In an entire world there is not one who compares. To have met is amazing. To be floating in that room with you, impossible. Was there really life before this moment? Was there really a time when the mornings didn't begin this way?

Slowly you stir. You blink a few times before turning your large eyes to look at me with the nervousness of an unsure child. I smile; thankful I'm there to welcome you to a new day. It's these things I treasure above all others. It's these things I'll carry. It's these things I fear most, for they've the greatest potential to hide pain within them should the world change direction. Please, God, may it not stop turning.

Captured At: 748

One of the things I like most about the weekends is that I don't have to rush through my morning routine. My original statement was going to be that slow and relaxed is much more my style, but that's only partially true. It does tend to win more often than not, but I'm amazed when I consider how strictly I can stick to something when I deem it necessary. I'm not sure that's such a bad way to be.

Last night was spent with Liz, TJ and Angie. Our grouping, in all likelyhood, will never happen again. Angie informed me last week that she's moving to Texas to be with Chris, her fiance from before she even began at Florida Tech.

I remember the first time I met Angie. I was on the Student Ambassador interview board and she was one of our candidates. After we asked our standard questions we extended her the opportunity to ask us any that she had. Although I cannot remember specifically what she asked, the gist of it was whether or not it was worth it; if the group was really all it was supposed to be. The others on the panel made a few remarks before I looked at her from my end of the table and told her that I would not be where I was if it had not been for joining the organization.

She had made a good impession with the panel and, once accepted, was a hard working Ambassador. I know some people would have liked to see her out more, but she commuted from Cocoa every day and was always there when we really needed her. Angie's a good kid with a good head on her shoulders and a lot of potential. I want the best for her and I hope the changes she's making leave her truly happy in life.

Sometimes I wonder if my whole life is going to be spent saying good-bye to the people I care about. Lately it seems like every encounter I have with someone is potentially the last.

In a larger, slightly morbid sense that's always true because you never know who is going to make it to the next day and who is not. I wonder what I would do if I woke up tomorrow and someone important to me was suddenly gone forever. What would I be wishing I hadn't forgotten to say or do?

It's not a way I like to look at the world, but it is a reality. From the instant we are conceived, that moment when life first exists within us, the only two guarantees we have are that we will always be with ourselves, and that we will die. Our awareness of this fact changes, but the truth remains the truth whether we're oblivious to it or not.

Truth is a powerful thing. It's something that every one of us does not want to face at some time or another. Sometimes facing the truth means we can no longer live as we once were. Often we hide from the truth because it is far too painful, either to ourselves or others we care about. If the truth were something tolerable we wouldn't spend so much time plunged into a life of lies and blame and excuses.

I know the truth about many things. I still maintain that just because I know it does not mean I have to like it.

Have you ever stopped to wonder how much deception there is in your life? How many things have others led you to believe that are not true? How many things have you led others to believe that are not true? How many things are you letting yourself believe that are not true?

How can you really tell what the truth is? How do you know the difference between that and something false?

Answer: You know. Even when you don't want to, you know. No matter how much you try to tell yourself otherwise, you know. No matter how much you try to act otherwise, you know. Now the mind is a convincing thing and we can be tricked easily. People see what they want, but the truth stands strong in the end.

My dose of truth for the morning is that it's nearly noon, I have nothing to show for myself, and no plans for my day. So what next?

Captured At:1058

Postlet #5-514

While I sit here stuck about where to begin I observe my feet are probably flaking sand onto the carpet. I'm so careless about stuff like that. I don't know how anyone ever lived with me.

I dragged myself out to walk the beach tonight and managed to open the blisters I developed on top of the blisters I got the weekend I burned myself. I'm terrible with pain. I'm also not very good at letting myself heal. I know that makes me sound pretty stupid, but a little pain is a small price to pay for walking in ankle-deep ocean water as the sun sets behind the beach condos. I think that has become one of my favorite times to walk.

Naturally I had the music going as I marched with an awkward confidence over rocks and piles of shells, occasionaly sinking in places where the ground wasn't as solid as it looked. There were several jellyfish dotting the shore tonight. I couldn't tell if their thin bubbles were quivering in the wind or if the poor creatures were twitching as they died. It was sad. They were stranded and helpless; caught one bad wave and were doomed to never recover from it.

I told this to Derek as he and I talked tonight. I feel silly saying I sympathized with a stinging blob of goo, but he seemed to see something nice in it. I've come to realize I have a lot more compassion than I give myself credit for.

I had a whole other direction this post was going to go in, but I got part way through and lost my train of thought. It's also getting late here - nearly midnight - so I think I'll abandon that post and save it for another day as I have been.

Captured At:2045

Not sure what I've stirred

Outside the world is slowly waking up. I've been conscious for well over an hour, but I can't seem to get myself motivated to start rushing around here and get out the door. I'm in no hurry to get to work. I'm also in no hurry to return home.

Perhaps that's because I feel a bit lost somewhere in time. Last night as I wrote I was overcome with the sense that I had an entire lazy summer ahead of me. I couldn't pick out a year or a state that was coming back, though I'm fairly sure it was all of them in some way. There are certain feelings, certain senses we get that never quite change.

The ambience to this place is quite something actually. DMB's "Trouble with You" - a song that didn't make the final cut for the album - is playing in the background and certainly adding to what I've somehow managed to create. It's calm and relaxed, yet there seems to be an element of waiting to it as well. What for is anyone's guess, but I almost don't want to move around too much for fear I'll disturb something. I also don't quite want to leave.

I did leave my sliding door open a crack last night to let the outside move around me freely. I slept on top of a freshly made bed, covering myself only with the soft purple blanket that normally rests at the bottom of it. A faint blue from the lava lamp on my desk seeped into the walls. It felt unreal in so many ways.

I wonder what I woke up as I shifted my furniture around. There's something extra floating around here with me. Or perhaps in not sealing myself off so tightly from the outside I managed to capture some of the magic that drifts through the world. This is a much smaller space than it's used to, so it would feel that much stronger.

December? ::looks confused:: Where did that come from?

I feel very lost this morning, very confused. I don't know what this feeling is and I'm doing a terrible job of explaining it. I can't decide whether to embrace it or shake my head violently until it disappears. I should just get ready for work and move on.

Captured At: 623

Well, it started as dmbc...ends that way too...

My comment last night that the new Jack Johnson album is lyrically superior to the new DMB effort seemed to surprise Derek. He looked at me and said, "I thought Dave could do no wrong."

::shakes head::

Of course he can; he's not a god. I have never viewed him that way either. I comment on the music frequently, the man almost never. Why? Because it's the music I care about. I was never an "I love you Dave" girl. I'm not sure where in here people have gotten the idea that I adore this man and worship the ground he walks on.

Anyway, I'm sitting here listening to the studio recording of "Joyride". I think this was my favorite of the new songs they were playing on the last tour even though it was hard to make sense of what Dave was saying as he worked out what he thought the lyrics should be.

Musically, I would say this is traditional DMB. Every time I listen to it I pick out a different sound I hadn't noticed before. Unlike many of the tracks on the new album it has a feel to it that tells you they're comfortable with it. That's not to bash the new stuff though. I went back to watch the Rosland show and they did it well live even if Dave couldn't quite hit the notes for the word "stay" in "American Baby". It had me feeling a lot better about my shows in a few months. :)

Naturally a lot of the fans are asking why "Joyride" didn't get included on the album and was placed on the pre-order bonus CD (which I did not get) instead. In some ways the sound, which I've already stated is very DMB, doesn't fit with what's on the album. Some said they thought it was way too political, but I'm not sure I see how it's worse than telling everyone to "wake up, see the man with the bomb in his hands" and referring to the guy as a pig.

Compare that to the chorus for "Joyride":

"The money is clean, 'cause we scrub it good
Guns and gasoline, we gonna save the world
Nothing is obscene, if you only close your eyes
Boys and girls welcome to this
Joyride."

There is a very definite point being made, but I like the way he's going about it better. It leaves a lot more up to interpretation, in my mind at least. Maybe it's one speaker, maybe it's more than that. The first and third lines could be corruption anywhere, though the second line is clearly mocking of the war.

The final line is dripping with sarcasm, but I think it is dead on. This is life, this is the world we live in; have fun. I can't begin to count the number of times over the last several years when I've made the remark that the world is going to hell. It's really disturbing, actually.

I keep away from the news because I simply don't want to know. It's painful to watch. I hate politics and I dislike people trying to get into discussions about political issues with me. I don't want to talk about war or gay rights or anything like that, especially with people who are trying to prove how right they are, how smart they are, and how much more they know than I do. That tends to be human nature though, and I've found that the more adamantly someone argues the less able they are to respect a different opinion. There's victory in the conversion I guess.

I am so thankful I've learned to close my mouth, listen, and accept even if I don't agree. I know what I value and believe in. One of the things I hold to is that I won't force my views on anyone. I'd like to feel they are respected and understood, but more often than not that doesn't seem to happen. I'm okay with not being like you. Unfortunately you're not. It's a shame.

I really don't understand people. I'm open to the possibility that I have things wrong, but there are so many simple, fundamental ideas that most just don't seem to get. Maybe there's something wrong with me that I'm not falling in line. I just don't know.

And now they've reached the change in the music that's accompanied by several long yells of the word "yes". I feel every one of them. It's incredible, and easily my favorite part of the song. He could be yelling curse words and I wouldn't care. It's the sound. It's the way it hits. This is what does me in. Every time. Every...single...time.

Captured At:1032

In a matter of days...

I had just returned home and sat down at my desk when a buzzing sound drew my eyes from the flat monitor they had been horizontally skimming and pulled them around my room in search of the source. The blue glow emanating from the phone retrieved out of a knapsack I had carelessly tossed next to the shelf told me someone had been looking for me. Dad wanted a call back.

In avoiding questions asked about Disney tickets and my state of well-being Mom and I stepped back nearly two decades in time. When I was a young child Dad would sing this "I need a vacation" song he had made up every time a family trip drew near. He had been singing it that day much to the confusion of my brother. Bryan was apparently too young to remember, but I know the rest of us could chime in with the words to this essentially tuneless desire.

"I wonder what the first thing he can remember is." Mom said we would have to ask him some time asked me what I could recall. I can go pretty far back. I vaguely remember being in my first year of nursery school with Jason; I mentioned the pillow he had of the boy character from "Strawberry Shortcake." I have images from the house and backyard of where we lived before moving to where I grew up. I remember the neighbours to one side of us and standing by the fence talking to one of them when he'd bring their dachshund outside. His wife would often open one of the back windows and talk from there, sometimes tossing down candy for us. I remember the name of the downstairs neighbour, and I'm pretty sure I still know the old address and phone number. Those memories carry me through when we moved just after I turned six. It's a long way to be able to go back.

Mom handed the phone off to Bryan when she left and we talked for well over an hour. I asked the first memory question and began picking on him when he added he knew something had happened because he'd seen the video. Dad has just bought a new video camera after going years without one and I've been told to be prepared to have my picture taken a lot. ::rolls eyes:: I can't wait...

I find myself wondering how much footage of the sidewalk we'll be getting this trip and what song he'll be whistling when he does it. Or maybe he'll find more plaques to focus on for a few minutes, read out loud, and still focus on for a few more minutes. ::laughs, shakes head:: Yep, that would be Dad. He doesn't always make sense, but you've got to love him anyway.

My family hasn't been together since Christmas. The visit was brief and scattered, and accompanied by the confusion that comes with trying to fit three generations spanning a 70 year age gap into one place. It will be nice to spend some time just the six of us. My parents haven't even seen my apartment, but I'm pretty sure Mom will like it. When he was over, Derek expressed surprise that I'm not moving after last hurricane season. I looked at him and said, "Well, it may go this time…but it's home…and I don't want to leave."

It's also going to be nice taking some time off of work. With weekends and holidays I have an entire ten days I won't be around. I think that's more than I had for Christmas. Then again, I did come back and wind up sick, but that's certainly not a vacation. Milo won't really be getting a break though. He may not be wandering the roads between home and the cape, but he'll certainly be making frequent trips to the West Melbourne/Palm Bay area. I don't think he minds, but I worry that all of this wears on him.

Taking today off was tempting with how much I've overslept, but I know if I hang in there just a little longer I'll get my turn. I'll try to not work too hard this week, I'll relax Friday night, and Saturday morning it's "Hello, Family". I think a break from the routine I've fallen into will be good for me.

Captured At:1116

silence.

I keep opening this page to write something and there's just nothing to say. I almost put up a blank entry a little earlier, but that didn't seem to serve any real purpose. I fear it would have demonstrated reason for concern instead of being an indication of my intentions and the failure to act on them that I would have meant by it. I'm struggling. I really am.

The best thing I can offer you today is a chance to sit in the silence with me for just a few moments. Maybe somehow it will speak for itself.

::quiet::
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
  
 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
 
 
 
I hope you found what you were looking for. I haven't, but there's time. All the time in the world, and still not enough.

No, never enough.

Captured At:1121

Bullseye

This morning as I went through the motions of readying myself for work after the discovery that a power flicker had knocked out my alarm I couldn't help but think, "I suck at life." The next thing that entered my mind was a question of how I could say that. How exactly do we measure how well one does at life?

In most respects I don't think it can be said that I suck at life. I have a college degree and good, stable job with an employer many only dream of working for. I have reliable car and a comfortable apartment perfect for the stage of life I am at. I have a loving family now counting the hours until they see me again. I have high moral and ethical standards that I struggle to maintain on a daily basis. I give of myself freely and rarely ask for anything from anyone. I live a simple, honest life devoid the vices most people my age are haunted by. I hear music in the wind and see magic in the moonlight, and move through life with a light in my eyes I have been told about for years but, until recently, had never seen.

Okay, I don't suck at life. I have plenty to be proud of, if that were my nature of course. I know plenty of others are proud of even if it doesn’t make sense. So if I do well - not perfect, but well - in the "Things That Don't Matter" category and the "Things that Matter" category, where does a statement like that come from? What's the real problem?

I'm tired. The past few days have been very quiet, very wet, very painful, and very difficult. The last glance I took at a mirror showed my usually sparkling eyes are flat, dim, and lifeless. I am emotionally exhausted, and this has slowly seeped into the mental and physical realms as well. I am just so tired. I have no idea how to keep going or even where there is to go, but I'm trying to do it just the same. I would love to learn this has all been a bad dream, but the world as I hope to roll over and find it every morning is the real sleep-induced hallucination.

I feel like everything I have ever wanted to believe is falling down around me. I know there's a rock poised to strike my head and squash me flat, but my body is frozen in place. Everyone screams for me to move thinking they can save me, but if this is my fate for being who I am I have to accept it.

And I will get scared as the shadow grows larger. I will tell myself I'm a fool for remaining. I will ask myself what I really gain in my obstinance; what I think I'm proving. I will question if it's worth it and encourage my feet to manage just one tiny step. Still, I will wait on the fine line between courage and stupidity knowing, again, that it's the price I pay.

I don't know how long I have. I cannot look up to see the distance between myself and this crushing object. It may not seem right, but it's how it has to be. I have to stand with confidence, knowing that even fear of certain death won't shake me. What I turn my back on to move is too much. In a twist of irony I realize it's that same principle that brought me to stand in this place to begin with.

It seems like foolishness, I know, but we all get squashed at some point and I've come to accept that it's my turn. I'll gather up the pieces I can find, tape them back together, and move gingerly without casts or crutches until the strength to carry on at my normal pace returns. It's a slow, painful process, but that's what you get for being a dreamer in a world governed by what is.

Captured At:1130

Pushing to break through

For the first time in weeks I have gotten an early start to the day, more out of necessity than anything else. Liz wasn't very happy with me the other night for showing up at the back door of the house - she was so scared when she saw me in the window she froze, looked angrily at me, mouthed "I can't believe you did that", and continued to stand still with a cross expression - but I wouldn't have had any sort of glimpse into next week's schedule without it. Oddly enough my dad said he didn't know we had anything concrete set, but on the off chance all goes according to Liz's plan I now can't let some things sit until next week. I can't say I'm happy about that, but such is life.

Today I get to represent IT at a lunch with the new NASA Administrator. I still can't believe they chose me out of the hundred plus people in the directorate and I'd really like them to not regret that decision. After someone currently working in our main office heard I was going she asked, "And you're going to wear your IT polo, right?" Um... When would I have acquired one of those? So I was given hers on loan, told to wear it with some blue pants, and reminded several times to iron everything by both her and my director. I find that all amusing for some reason, but I'm just as happy to have somebody giving me direction on this one.

I'm picking myself up today by a sheer force of will. It's a slow process, but I think I'm winning so far. When I finally turned to go east this morning I found an orange sun peeking from a low, thick mass of clouds as it rose. Slowly he turned to gold and changed the appearance of the entire sky. When the sun winks at me like that it's hard not to smile.

There was nobody around as I walked toward my building this morning. At least that's what I thought until I saw people exiting the small bus parked in front of it. It turns out I'd walked right into the Center Director and the group from Headquarters in Washington. I received names and handshakes as he introduced me to the Administrator and the others there - none of whose names I'm going to remember when I see them this afternoon - and walked to my office thinking "now what are the chances of that?" Naturally Kennedy found a willing ear to listen to how I was "discovered" and came to work at the space center. "You always tell that story when I'm around." "That's because it's what I think of every time I see you."

Well, I guess I won't complain about someone having a good memory of me. It's a nice story, actually. The circumstances that made this whole thing happen for me aren't the most desirable, but the whole experience has been incredible. In all my years of gazing into the heavens I never once dreamed I could possibly be a part of the group diving into them. I still find it hard to believe at times. I wonder where life will take me next.

Once again, even though my eyes are sore and I feel like something is ready to burst in my chest, I see how incredibly fortunate I am. It always strikes me as an odd combination, but sometimes it's all that gets me through.

For as quick as people are to complain, we need struggles and disappointments in our lives. We could never appreciate the amazing things we're given without them. There is still a rock poised to strike me as it tumbles down the side of mountain, but you should see the view from where I'm standing. Even in the center of this looming shadow the world, in all my life, has never looked so bright and alive.

Captured At: 709

The speed at which we move

TDY. I still haven't gotten a clear answer on what the acronym actually stands for, but as of right now that's what I should plan to be at the end of next month. Though there's no real need for my attendance, the upper management in my directorate has decided to send me along with the others on their two day journey to Stennis and Michoud. That seems so short given that I've never been to Mississippi or Lousianna before, and I really hope I can find some way to explore just a little bit. That's two more states I will have been to though, so I'll take it.

After I got back to my office and this was talked about a bit one of those, "Well if you need anything..." comments was made to me, followed by a statement about how I'm supposed to be mentored because what I was hired under is a "fast track" sort of thing and it wasn't something we'd get into at that moment, but we could talk about it later. I was confused. I've been assured it's not bad, but I am still confused.

So naturally it didn't help today when I ran into one of the guys I know from the division next door in the HQ cafeteria. As we entered the line to pay he asked where I was headed and I explained that I was going into the closed off area where the Administrator was. He, too, made a "fast track" comment and said he's going to start sucking up to me. I remarked I hadn't even been there a year yet, but that didn't seem to matter. His parting words were to not forget his name.

I won't say I don't enjoy this in my own way, but the majority of me simply does not understand it. I haven't done anything. I don't know anything. I still feel like the baby, yet I have conversations like these which put me behind the wheel of the bus. I have no idea what they all think I'm going to do, but I'm not sure I'll be any good at it.

As people sat in our lunch asking the Administrator questions today I found myself thinking, "I don't care about any of this. I know I should, but I don't." I know topics like architecture and finances and outreach are important, but they weren't anything I wanted to know about. I found myself wondering about the man we were all gathered to listen to. I wondered about him; what his story was.

So I asked a question; not really because I wanted an answer for me, but because I thought it might give me more insight to him. Based on his experiences and his current position, what sort of comments or advice did he have for us new people who will be "running the place someday?" I could tell no one in the room cared about this question. I could tell he didn't quite know what to do with it because he seemed to stumble a bit in forming an answer.

And then, after a few sentences, this man who had been dealing with policies, budgets, schedules, meetings, and tours suddenly stepped backwards into his life to recall being a small child and a teenager. I didn't ask my question the way I wanted to and he didn't answer as I would have expected, but in some ways what I got was much better. For just a moment he lost half a century of his life.

One of the things I have come to appreciate most about people, especially those older than I am, is how much they've learned. I really enjoy making them stop to think about that. At my first board of trustees dinner I remember getting into a conversation with one of the members - who, naturally, had been successful in business - in which I asked him if there was anything in his life he would have done differently. He looked at Liz and I for a second, then said if he had to do it again he would make the same choices. He would take the same jobs and marry the same woman. But he'd take more time to stop and enjoy the journey. He said he was always so worried about where he was going next that he never really got to enjoy where he was.

Enjoy the journey. That's a great piece of advice. The happiest times in my life are the ones where I did just that. I didn't worry about what was next. I didn't dwell on where I'd been. I just rode the currents, smiling all the way.

Captured At:2305

Family: Day One

Originally I felt bad that I wasn't going to be at the house when my parents got in, but their arrival time of after 1am was well past when I'd gone to sleep. I'm pretty sure they weren't all that up to socializing at that hour after a nine hour drive anyway.

For the most part we took a relaxed approach to today. We slowly assembled at my aunt and uncle's house, squashed five of us into Dad's car, and made a last minute decision on our park. I can't even make a guess at how many years it has been since I was last at MGM.

Our first stop was one of the gift stores because Dad needed a hat. I'd say this set the tone for the day as there were may random pictures taken in the store of people in silly hats and one of Mom holding a t-shirt in front of Dad that she wouldn't let him read until after we had it on film. It was a lovely shade of purple, had Tinkerbell on the front, and said "Mood subject to change without notice." You can tell in the picture that Dad has no clue. It's great.

Shortly after we left there we found a guy selling balloons just in front of the Sorcerer Mickey hat, which I think is a newer addition. The wind was moving these things in all sorts of directions and I was amazed at the control the guy had over them. It created this strange gold wall that Mom has a picture of me standing in front of. My angle on this was a bit different, and I've added it here because I was very happy with the way it came out.

Shortly after this Mom got a cute picture of me with Chip, who I managed to snag as he walked from the "backstage" area toward the people waiting for the latest character appearance.

As we rode The Great Movie Ride I learned I still revert back to the eight year old who closes her eyes, hides her head, and slouches in the seat when they get to the "Alien" part. I also responded to Bryan's question of if I could do the Tower of Terror now with, "Not a chance, but you have fun with that one." I say this often and I will say it again. Some things never change.

I think the best part of the trip was getting to play. We got off one of the rides and found where they were taking pictures to digitally impose faces on any number of people. Bryan leaned over to me and said, "We should do the one in the corner for Star Wars. But you should be Han and I'll be Leia." We laughed about this quite a bit and watched as some little kids had their faces done. The guy working the counter said it was free to try, so we decided to go for it. He told Bryan he was first. I stopped him and said, "But he's Leia." He laughed, the girl working the camera laughed, the people getting off the ride after us stood around watching and laughed, and in the end we decided we just had to keep this picture. Mom's comment as she signed the credit card slip was that we were silly. "Yes, and you encourage us." She couldn't argue.

With the Star Wars movie new in theaters this weekend they have characters all over MGM. Mom kept trying to get Bryan to have a picture taken with them, but he refused saying he'd already been Princess Leia, he needed time to recover. That meant having fun with the storm troopers was left to Dad and I. My interaction involved standing face to face with one and pointing a bottle of water as though I thought shoothing him with it was a threat. I laughed, he kept shaking his head at me, his buddy came over also looking at me like I was crazy, and Mom was more than happy to put her camera to use. Dad walked over to stand next to one for a picture and decided it wasn't real. A few seconds after stating this the trooper turned his head and made a slight movement toward him, which made Dad jump and the rest of us laugh at him for the rest of the day.

Memorable comments include the following:

Mom: "Why are you rolling my eyes?"

Bryan, getting off of the Aerosmith coaster: "Your band sucks. But the ride is cool."

Dad: "Why are all these people out here? Is there a parade or something?"
Bec: "I don't know, but people don't generally line the streets just for the heck of it."
Dad: "Thanks, wiseass."

It appears tomorrow has been designated as a lounge by the pool day and Monday will be spent at EPCOT. ::shakes head:: Apprently Dad had to ask Mom which of their kids really liked the imagination ride. Like it's really that hard to guess...

Captured At:2345

Family: Day Two

Lazy days are a wonderful thing and today was certainly one of them. There's not all that much to say because of that, but I'll see what I can do.

I arrived at the house around 130 and almost immediately found a lounge chair by the pool. Both my bright yellow beach towel and my swimsuit, which has been worn a grand total of three times in the ten months I've had it, were met with approval. I have to admit I've never really had the patience to lay in the sun. It's a rather boring way to pass the time and I never last very long. I've also burned myself once this year and that's more than enough.

I was laying on my stomach feeling myself soak up the heat when I began to notice the sensation of beads forming along my hairline and hesitantly sliding down my face. Propping myself up a little revealed the same was happening in one spot on my front and in the creases of my arms. I have no idea why I was so fascinated with this.

We sat around the outside table talking for a while, my influence kept rum out of the daiquiri's Mom made, and I managed to get Bryan to toss a frisbee around with me for a little while. Shortly after, he and TJ ended up in the pool playing with the dogs and somewhere along the way they got the brilliant idea to try and teach Sydney how to jump in. In the picture below you may note that they both seem pleased with themselves, but the dog looks less than impressed.

It seems almost every time I go over to my aunt and uncle's house for an extended period of time I fall asleep in the black chair they have in their living room. Tonight was no exception. I don't know when I dozed off, but I do know that what woke me was the extra weight of a blanket being placed on top of me. Ever since I was a little kid falling asleep on couches when I was too stubborn to go to bed I've always liked waking to find someone has covered me up. It's a little thing, but it always made me feel loved and taken care of.

As it became time for dinner we found ourselves watching the second of the new Star Wars movies on TV. Half of us had seen it and the other half seemed rather confused. I left before it finished because they were switching over to the season finale of "Desperate Housewives", which I had no interest in. I've lost count of how many times one of them has asked if I've ever seen the show and I'm not sure where in there the fact that I really don't watch TV is getting lost.

Tomorrow it's a few errands early, which I think may include taking my laptop to Best Buy so they can fix the monitor, and then off to EPCOT for rides, Alfredo's and fireworks.

Today's memorable comments include the following:

Bec: "TJ's got a farmer's tan."
Liz: "I know. He's so white."

Liz: "I don't have any epiphanies today."
Bec: "What?
Liz, stumbling to find words: "I mean..I don't have any epiphanies...any good words of wisdom."
Bec: "Obviously not."

Liz: "If that dog has nightmares..."

Dad: "This is pepper. Let me have the salt."
Bec, sarcastic: "Because you have to put the salt on first, not the pepper..."
Dad: "...you have to have a system for things."
Bec, laughing: "I don't think I have a system for anything."

Dad: "What about you, Bry? How many times have you seen this?"
TJ: "He knows the bloopers..."

Captured At:2203

Family: Day Three

After a two hour departure delay I was fully expecting to get yelled at for the grand adventures resumed at EPCOT. It was my favorite park as a kid and, aside from the Magic Kingdom back in February, is the only one I seem to drive up to visit on occasion. There are memories all over that place.

Dad not only violated the "No flash photography" rule on Spaceship Earth, but he did it in front of the people managing the ride and was reprimanded in front of everyone. As we slowly rose up the first incline he asked if I remembered that ride being the last thing we did before we left after our first trip to Disney. Apparently I insisted we do it one more time as we walked toward the exit of the park on our last night. I honestly can't say I know if it was the content of the ride that I liked or the fact that I was inside the "big golf ball".

After we exited Mom got into a conversation with one of the park workers about some of the plants. We then offered to play "Disney Trivia" and were the first group in a week who knew what EPCOT stands for. They all laughed at me as I answered, probably because I've been able to recite that since I was five. I also learned there are 11,324 triangles on the geosphere and that it was originally supposed to be gold, but that would have made cleaning it much more difficult.

I can't say I know the last time I did the boat ride in The Land, but the area with the NASA logo and "John F. Kennedy Space Center" on the sign were pointed out as if I could have missed them on my own. We also did the new ride, Soarin'. It's a cool concept, but I think they could have done more with it. Still, I was smiling through it and noticed a similar expression on other faces too.

During my sophomore year of college Kylie came down over Spring Break with a friend of hers and we spent some time at the parks. I remember being crushed the day we did EPCOT because they had changed my Figment ride and the purple dragon was nowhere to be seen. Liz doesn't remember this, but I'm positive it happened. The ride has been redone again, this time with Figment playing a bigger role and a revised version of the old song. We still all think the old one was better, and I was again asked if I remembered our first trip. We caught the ride one night with no line and rode it three or four times in a row at my urging. I've never thought of myself as a pushy child until now.

Our stellar performance at Disney Trivia earned us a pair of Test Track tickets, good for three riders each, that got us into the fastpass line. I was glad for the short wait; I got such a headache waiting in line the first time from all of the lights and noise I ended up deciding not to go at all. I think my least favorite part of going to theme parks is when we get to a ride Mom can't do with us. Of my parents she's the one that likes the rollercoasters and other amusements of that nature, but her physical condition makes going on them very unwise.

We skipped Mission: Space. TJ doesn't like it, Dad's bad with rides of that nature, and Bryan and I had no interest. I did, however, like the outside of the ride enough to take a few pictures. I see this one and I can't help but think of the logo they've been using at work for "The Moon, Mars, and Beyond".

There's a flower and garden festival going on right now so there are even more flowers and displays thatn usual around the park. Mom and I were the only ones who had any interest in the butterfly garden we walked through. Butterflies have such a fragile beauty to them as they gently and effortlessly move their wings to push them through the air. As they moved around inside this covered area you couldn't help wanting to hold your hand up in the air to see if they'd choose you to land on.

By this point everyone was tired. In my usual charming way I pointed out that if I hadn't been late we would barely have had the energy to make it until it was time for our dinner reservation. We moved very slowly around the World Showcase. I stopped to watch the Japanese drummers and Bryan was the only one who stayed standing there with me. The rest went off to sit somewhere, either tired or uninterested.

At the restaurant Liz's comment to Dad about the waiter was, "You can't get more Italian than that". He and Dad seemed to get along well, but having watched him with people for years Dad can get along with pretty much anybody.

Somewhere along the way we decided to skip out on the fireworks. Bryan had come up with me, but he went with the others on the way back so I didn't have to keep retracing Milo's tracks. I didn't want to think about much of anything when I got home and what wouldn't go away only wore me out more. I'm not quite sure what to do. Today has been designated as another day away from the parks, but I'm not quite ready to find everyone just yet. It's not very considerate, but to heck with the world. I'm going to keep moving at my own pace.

Captured At: 929

Family: Day Four

We seem to have fallen into an alternating pattern of busy days and slow days. I didn't get to the house until early this afternoon, greeted with, "We've been talking about this and we think you need to return your watch. It doesn't seem to work very well." I told them the watch is fine, it's the wrist it's on that's defective. Liz and I almost immediately went out the door again with Dad so we could get our cars registered in Florida. I've been asked if I'll be putting "Milo" on my new plate and I honestly can't decide. It's going to be strange seeing a new plate on him; he's been North Carolina his whole life.

Once that was resolved I sent Dad home with Liz so I could go fight about the confusion surrounding my last speeding ticket. Apparently I'm expected to adhere to rules that no one is under any obligation to tell me. Perhaps I should go back to the DMV and complain that the license they gave me six months ago didn't possess the necessary powers to help me magically know it all.

Every now and then I think something that makes me stop and laugh at myself. Today it was when I watched Liz, TJ, and Bryan go out to the pool and my immediate thought was that it was nice the kids were going for a swim. The kids? When did I suddenly become so much older than them? I guess I've been in a strange place today.

Bryan has been set on getting us out to see the new Star Wars movie since before he got down here. He'd already seen it - at a midnight showing with a friend I think - but still wanted to get us out there. Liz and TJ opted out since they return to work in the morning. For me it was a very tough movie to watch.

I'm not sure what this says, but in knowing how it had to turn out I still sat there silently urging Anakin to not give in. I kept hoping he'd wake up and realize how he was being used. I understand his fear and his confusion. I sympathize with him. I feel like I'm fighting the same battle in many ways and sometimes fear I'm losing. I was physically uneasy watching what happened to him toward the end; I felt moved to reach out and save him somehow. I can't imagine how he felt going through what he did. I know he brought it on himself, but there are some things nobody deserves.

As I sit here thinking about what a hopeless feeling the ending of this movie had I suppose it's only appropriate the first of the old movies was called "A New Hope". My dad can remember it being in the theaters when he was in college. I can remember watching it the first time as part of a marthon in our basement and finding Ewoks in the woods with Ryan when we'd go play. That feels like another life to me. I have to be honest and admit that where I am right now doesn't quite feel real either. This isn't it. I wish I knew what was.

Of course, as the movie reminded me tonight, there's a reason we're not supposed to know the future. I can't say I always like that much, but I know that's how it should be.

I don't have any pictures to post from today, so I'll post another from yesterday. I forgot how hot Florida gets in late May, but I'm sure this guy was smiling just the same.

Captured At:2214

Family: Day Five

Bryan's remark today was that he had more fun at KSC than he had expected to. I was glad to hear that considering my parents had dragged him along on our trip to the cape. Instead of giving a time to come find me today I simply said to call whenever they were awake and moving and felt like heading up. I like when I'm in charge of things because I can help people to slow down and relax a little.

I dropped them at the visitor's complex and went on base to take advantage of my ticket discount. I have to admit I was mildly amused as I walked into NASA KSC's Headquarters building in jean shorts and flip flops, blatantly violating any sort of dress code they seem to have around there. Between the visit today and the movie last night my parents always seem a little reluctant at first when I pay for something, but I like that I'm in a position to do that now. They've given me a lot over the years and I like to give something back when I can.

It figures I'd go up to the cape today to find Discovery wasn't covered by the RSS. They're rolling it back in the morning, so I won't be able to get a good picture of the vehicle on the pad until after rollout #2.

I pointed out a number of places I'd been to my parents as the bus took us around the space center. It was so strange stepping back from that for a few hours and playing tourist the same way everyone else does. The shuttle looks so small from far away. I never appreciated the size of space hardware until I found myself next to it, the first occasion having been one of the payloads for an ELV mission last year.

Today's visit made things seem even more unreal to me. I knew the people talking on the videos and could identify the buildings they were in. Visitors were packed toward one end of the observation deck taking pictures of something I could have been out walking on. What hit me the most, though, is that even standing as close as "normal" people get I wasn't any less awed by what I saw. I never visited KSC as a child, but I can guarantee I would have walked through it with wide eyes never believing I could work there some day.

I really enjoyed watching Bryan and my parents look around as none of them had ever been to the space center before. It's amazing the things you can notice about people, especially your family and friends, if you put yourself aside for a few moments and pay attention to them. I think the most striking thing I observed was my father removing his hat and placing it over his heart when the movie at the Saturn V center talked about the loss of the Apollo 1 astronauts. He was also visibly awed when he saw the rocket for the first time. I'll be interested to see the pictures he took.

Since I've seen everything before I wasn't as trigger happy with my camera today. One of the few pictures I did get, though not very good because the sky and the capsule were the same color, is this one. Bryan found the position surprisingly comfortable and said he easily could have slept that way.

We rounded out the night back at the house with Liz and TJ for pizza and the finale of "American Idol". I never watch the show, but I do find the video clips of all the bad auditions amusing. Whoever told those people they could sing... At least I know better. Bryan was commenting on the drive to EPCOT the other day that he's trying to sing in his range and that his friend has suggested he join the choir for some vocal training. I told him to go for it. Liz has also commented that she misses singing and wonders if there's a vocal group around somewhere. I, on the other hand, accept that my choir days are long over. I'll just keep singing badly in the car as I drive around town and enjoy every minute of it.

Today's Memorable Quotes:

Dad: "I only have two minutes left on here."
Mom: "So change the battery."
Dad, with extra emphasis on the last word: "No. I want it to die."

Liz: "Well is there anything else you wanted to do while you were here?"
Bryan: "Shave a Martian."

Dad: "He was the number one act in Germany like last year, so I say he can stay there."

Captured At:2235

Focus

Well, I'm now officially without my laptop until a date yet to be determined. It's going to be mailed away, I think he said to Chicago, because the hardware repair can't be done here. They should be able to fix the hinge on the screen, but I'm not sure how successful they'll be at recreating the overheating/shutdown problem that I've been having for almost as long as I've had the laptop. It's been a little worse lately, and I figured if it was already being shipped off they may as well check that too.

My appointment this morning was quick, painless, and almost not worth mentioning. The only reason I say anything about it is that the person I saw, who I had shared my "How I went to work at NASA" story with months ago, stopped to tell me that it had really inspired her. I always feel like I'm bragging or come across as arrogant and self-centered when I tell it. I worry it looks like I'm going, "Hey, look at me and how special I am."

She said it was a really nice story, and I have to admit that I agree with her and everyone else who has told me that. I would think it was great even if it wasn't me and I still can't believe it is. I look at what I've had the privilege of experiencing over the last year and I feel so undeserving of it.

Why am I the one standing on the roof of the VAB after three weeks on the job? Why am I the one meeting the Administrator and sitting inside the shuttle? What have I done? Who am I to be in the position I am where others look at me with stars in their eyes asking me to remember their names? I'm just a simple twenty-four year old girl, no better than anyone else as I reluctantly stumble my way forward. I never set out for the attention. What I've done and continue to do has never been for me, but because of the obligation I feel to the people who gave me these responsibilities.

I can't believe where I am right now. I can't believe what I've been through and continue to slosh my way across. I have no idea what's next, but I'll get there even if I don't know how. That's something I have to believe; that I have to trust despite the vulnerability I feel knowing my faith and hope are blind. The key, though, is that they're there. For as long as they remain I'll make it through anything.

Captured At:1338

Family: Day Seven

After snoozing the alarm a few times I started my day with a walk on the beach. Although a large cluster of clouds blocked the sun its light slipped through a number of cracks to bring a soft glow to the pale green water. It was a wonderful time to be out and I found myself trying to figure out how to have that sort of start to more of my days. I haven't been to the beach in a while and I find it's nearly always good for me.

My iPod offered up a number of songs that I opted to skip past. The last one I heard before changing my direction so I could get home was "Candle on the Water". I don't listen to it much, but every time I do I'm reminded what a sweet song it is. I have a soft spot for this one that goes back to some of my earliest days, and it hit me very strongly as I stood on the beach watching rays of hope sliding towards me from the horizon.

Once home I got ready for another day at the parks and wrote a post that was supposed to be saved so I could finish later, but ended up being published because I wasn't paying attention. The call to head toward our meeting exit came and off I went.

Bryan joined my car for the trip up. The CD I was listening to had a mix of stuff on it and his face got all tight and quivery when he recognized the cheesy music starting up meant "Copacabana" was going to be stuck in his head for the rest of the day. He was also less than thrilled when the last song was country. Being the wonderful older sister I am I made sure that once the CD was done I located the Christian, Latin, and Easy listening stations on the radio, as well as anything else that would make him cringe. He said he hated me, but there was enough love in his smile for me to know he wasn't serious.

Our destination was the Magic Kingdom with a hop to EPCOT so we could make our 5pm dinner reservation in China. Liz and TJ opted out of Splash and Thunder Mountains, instead staying with Mom for some walking around, a ride through It's a Small World, and a view of the parade. That left Dad, Bryan and I in line for one with a fast pass for the other.

I'm not sure I mentioned this last weekend, but at MGM I managed to walk into one of the dividing posts in the line for The Great Movie Ride. I smacked my knee pretty hard on the vertical pole and got the horizontal one just below my rib cage. Again, I managed to hurt myself, this time on Thunder Mountain. The train lurched a way I wasn't expecting and as I was thrown sideways my elbow came down on the side of the car. It was in pain for the rest of the day and, oddly enough, only reveals the resulting blue bruise when I bend my arm. Even the lightest touch still brings pain though. I'm such a dunce.

Once we regrouped we did the pirate ride before hopping a monorail to EPCOT and made it to China right on time. That would be why Liz was calling the shots yesterday; I would have made us late. We ate, played with hats and puppets and umbrellas at the stand outside, and went back to The Land so we could do Soarin' again. This time we rode in the highest row instead of the lowest. My picture for yesterday is one Bryan took of me in an attempt to prove he's better at taking pictures than Dad.

I talked to the little girl sitting next to me for most of the monorail ride back to the transportation center. Smiling with children, whoever they may belong to, is good for the spirit. It's so easy to get tired and burn out in this world that I think anything which lights you up inside - in a good way I hasten to add - should be embraced. Life is too short and too amazing to spend asleep.

I'm not sure why this is, but I can't seem to get anyone to go on the Carousel of Progress. I haven't been on it in more years than I can count and nobody wants to go. Bryan was groaning even though he didn't know what it was, Liz turned me down last time only to have gone on during one of her next trips, and TJ was trying to tell me it was broken as we stood in line for the Buzz Lightyear ride. I was sad.

Space Mountain ended up being the last thing we rode. We walked toward the exit of the adjoining store only to find it was pouring outside. Bryan decided to brave the elements and ran out to find Mom and Dad, returning with rain ponchos for the rest of us. I don't think I've ever experienced Disney in the rain before. Most people were crowding under any sort of overhang they could find where the rain falling wouldn't hit them, and the rain being swept away by the wind wouldn't hit them.

The hood from the poncho cut off most of my peripheral vision, but looking ahead I could see the crowds lining the streets, watching those of us who were covered move toward the exit. Water ran down the streets in a river deep enough to keep the base of my flip flops submerged, and above me the clouds took on a pink/orange glow. I was damp, yes, but essentially saved from the worst. I found myself feeling bad for the people watching and realized I would have been one of them if Mom hadn't thought enough to buy me a poncho and Bryan hadn't run out to retrieve it.

We decided that instead of taking seats from people who didn't have any sort of protection from the elements we'd walk back to the car instead of riding the tram. Of course we had no idea how the parking lot was laid out and walked around lost. When one of the trams stopped I asked the driver where Goofy was only to be informed it was on the other side of the park and we should get on the train. That would have been fine, except Dad had wandered off and we didn't want to leave him. Once reuinited we waited for another train, still in high spirits.

Allow me to paint a picture of the tram. Mom, Dad, TJ, and Bryan are sitting in one row. Liz is sitting in front of them. I'm next to her in the "kiddie" poncho I'd been making fun of since Bryan hadned it to me. No one else is seated in any of the cars. The train begins to move and the equivalent of a small bucket of water pours down on me. Needless to say everyone else is laughing. I slide closer to Liz and look up at the speaker that has blessed me with this extra puddle saying that clearly some one has a sense of humor. At that point I really couldn't do anything but laugh. The tram stopped to let us off at the park, but we wouldn't go, so they moved on. We warned the people who piled into the trai next to us that they'd get an extra shower. My comment was that rain at a time like this does one of two things to people. It either makes them really grumpy, or it makes them silly because what else can you do?

Memorable Quotes:

Liz: "I was the fat kid trying to fit in."

Liz: "I don't have to ride in the middle."
TJ: "Why not?"
Liz: "Because I'm cute."
TJ: "That only gets you so far."

Random Tourist: "It's okay. It can't rain like this for long."
Liz and I: "This is Florida. It sure can."

Bryan, handing out ponchos: "One for Liz or TJ. One for Liz or TJ. And one for Bec."
Bec: "Why do I get the "kiddie" poncho??"

Bec, with a very specific tone: "I love my kiddie poncho. It might not reach my knees. It might seem like the water is leaking right through it. But it's keeping me drier than I would be otherwise."

Mom: "We've been waiting for it to rain all day just so we can ride the tram in our ponchos."

Captured At: 949

::waves goodbye::

Today finds me lost, overtired, and rather numb. Go defense mechanisms I guess.

The details of yesterday are unimportant. Derek stopped by the house to say hello to my parents before they left. TJ's family joined us for a 230pm dinner. I drove to Orlando to see Melissa one more time before an 8am flight took her off to her new job and life in Seattle.

I returned around 130 this morning and jumped as I rounded the corner into my apartment complex and caught a glimpse of the rising half moon. The deep orange shade it carried for this ascent usually takes my breath away. Instead I felt fear as our only natural satellite hung ominously in the silent sky.

My family departed not too long after 9am. With luck they have made it to Georgia by now. Mixed in with some sloppy goodbyes there is one other thing I had to let go. Milo will never be the same and soon enough he, too, will be gone. :(

I guess this is really it. My few remaining ties continue breaking slowly, setting me adrift in a world I don't recognize and don't have the confidence to tackle.

I don't know where to go. I can't look back because that's painful and swallows me too easily. I can't look ahead because that's both uncertain and carries its own pain as it comes full circle and dips into the past. I've given myself any number of things to do with the present, but they're trivial. I lack the drive to throw myself into what I know isn't going to help anything.

I wonder what giving up looks like. It's probably just as well I don't know because, if I did, I think I would have done it already.

Captured At:1315

Heaven and Hell

Captured At:2148