"Would you not like to be
Okay okay okay"

My speakers spilled the sounds of "Tripping Billies" out the window as I exited my apartment complex this morning. I remembered the year my "Crash" CD escorted me to and from final exams and I discovered this tune within the song that I had never noticed before that day.

I flew up US 1 watching the sun over the river, feeling the breeze coming through my car, and singing happily. I think something on SR 3 is blooming as I can come up with no other explanation for the almost sweet scents that permeated my vehicle. Moments like those always make me think of summer. They always make me feel free and without a care in the world.

During the "Lie in Our Graves" instrumental break I felt this strange sense of past, present and future come at me all at once. Unsure whether to laugh or cry I smiled and felt thankful in a way I cannot even begin to express.

Today I don't have to aspire to it. I already am okay, okay, okay.

Till we dance away...

Captured At: 844

"Now progress takes away what forever took to find..."

I've opened this window and I have absolutely no idea what to write. I don't know what there is for me to say. I don't know what I can say. I don't think it matters if I say anything.

Again I find that all of the talking, all of the sharing, all of the expressing in the world does absolutely nothing. It doesn't fix a thing. Maybe the fact that I can't make anybody understand means I'm wrong about pretty much everything.

Why couldn't I have woken up today and been somebody else?

Don't get me wrong, I do like who I am, but I don't like where she is and the messes she's made. I don't want to deal with those things anymore. I'd like a big rubber stamp with the word "resloved" to mark the currently troublesome chapters in this book I'm writing and not have to worry about them anymore.

I want to be happy. Not surface happy and seemingly okay. Not gushing for a minute or hour or part of a day. I know where I could be and I'm not there. I don't know when I get to go back.

It's up to me really. I let myself rely too much on other people. I let myself put too much into other things. I don't know how to go back and part of me doesn't want to, but what choice do I really have? I ran into far fewer problems keeping to myself.

Regardless of promises or appearances eventually everyone still leaves and everything still falls apart. For any number of those things people say in the end that it was for the better, but they're not standing here with me. They're not in my shoes looking from my perspective. They don't see and I can't make them understand.

Better? Ha. They have no idea what they're trying to tell me. Everyone thinks they have the answers when they can't even fix their own lives. We all have our sob stories and our histories and the things we can't or won't let go of. We all have our reasons and our justifications and our rationalizations. No one is really better than anyone else, but that's forgotten all too easily. We idolize and criticize and judge because it moves the focus from our own messed up existence and puts it somewhere else. We carry grudges and hold things against people that we say we have forgiven, and the wrongs they commit against us are overshadowed by any wrong we may have committed against them. Do as I say, don't do as I do I suppose.

::sigh::

Well that was an unexpected rant. I guess I really am just frustrated and fed up and angry. Keep going, keep moving, keep swimming; it will all get better. I'm not so sure about that. What am I moving toward with that motion? What am I leaving behind? Who's to say which is better? Forward isn't necessarily progress, backward doesn't have to be bad, and maybe treading water isn't a failure to move so much as it's time to figure out which direction is really best. The problem is that if you take too long with that last one you're likely to drown.

::sigh::

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. It's quarter after noon and though I've been awake for only about an hour part of me just wants to collapse under my covers once again. The only reason I won't is because I know that no good comes of it. Then again, no good seems to come of much these days.

Moving on...

Captured At:1116

Pacing the Cage

I've just done about half a dozen laps around my complex. The first few were at the pace I have been known to call "walking with a purpose". I could feel the stubborn determination in my face, though what I felt the need to conquer escapes me. There were several times I had to fight the urge to break into a run that could only have ended in disaster.

There's a slight chill to the air that takes me back several months to when my evening walks around the complex began. It's a clear, moonless night. The rest of my journey was at a slower pace to fit the change in music entering my ears, but I still walked until I felt I could not physically endure any longer. Even sitting here now I can feel random throbs and twitches from neglected muscles in my legs. I used to be so much stronger.

I wish I could say my time out tonight brought about some great revelation. It did not. I wish I could say that any sentiments I was gushing forth in my earlier post have become more calm and settled. They have not.

To be quite honest I've tried not to think because it doesn't seem to get me anywhere good. I come up with a million things to say and do and realize that I'll regret every single one of them once this moment passes. Again I see I'm trapped. There's no move to make but circles behind the bars.

Captured At:2350

Sarah Brightman is singing to me about walking streets of neon lights and I'm reminded of my fruitless journey beneath the stars last night. Are circles all I'm ever going to make in my life?

Yesterday morning as I enjoyed the comforting cascade of hot water that began my afternoon I got to thinking that maybe it's already been as good as it's ever going to be for me. I try to keep things in perspective, but what if the traces of optimism I fight to hang onto are only setting me up for further disappointment. I'm not doing any good for me or anyone else, so what's the point?

Before I wrote after returning from that walk last night I searched for the post where I'd actually put up the lyrics to "Pacing the Cage". Every now and then I find an old entry that hits home years after it was written. This happened to be one of them. It was April of 2003 and I was writing from the Ambassador office in a mood that's difficult to explain. I could remember that semester clearly; it was one of my best and worst at the same time.

"It really is funny how life works out. We don't have any way of knowing what the point of any of it is. The only thing we do know is that somehow we have to keep going." -4.16.3

That statement really struck me. I never actually stop, but I have certainly been known to pause longer than I should. In some respects I've been sitting in a freeze frame for a while now.

The thing is time doesn't stop with me. Sometimes I think it's vengeful, taking back what I stole ages ago. Each day passes like the one before, but the subtle differences start to become apparent. I look in the mirror and see my hair is getting straighter as it lengthens. I look at my hands and see faint lines where rings blocked the sun, then trace my fingers upward and see that most of the nails have returned. I'm that much closer to yet another age I never wanted to be.

As I drove north on Riverside last night I realized that's a big part of my current problem. I've been thrown into a life and a world I never wanted any part of. No wonder I'm less than thrilled. And this is where my choice comes in. I can continue to fight a battle I will not win, or I can accept what is and adjust. Neither option is easy, but I think it’s clear what I have to do. Something has to change.

Captured At:1144

"If I gave it all the way for one thing..."

I'm really failing to grasp what the point of anything is right now. I just do not understand. Why is it that we put so much time and effort into things that just blow up in the end? Why is it that every time we finally think we know where we're headed somebody throws a boulder in front of our path?

You go to high school and you work hard so you can go where you'd like to study what you want and you still get that rejection letter from the school you had your heart set on. You go off to college and get actively involved thinking you've finally found something that makes you happy and all you encounter are people who start problems and suck out any enjoyment you used to have. You graduate with that GPA you worked so hard for and no one wants to give you a job. You finally get a job where no one appreciates your work and you find you've landed in the middle of the same crummy politicts that exist at every job you'll try to run to after that.

You pour yourself into friendships with people who end up taking you for granted, turning against you when it's convenient and ditching you when they get a better offer. You agonize over your relationship with that person who means the world to you only to find that you didn't mean the world to them. You give everything you can for everyone and everything else knowing full well that nothing will ever come out of it. Why?

You lose your direction. You find one you want more than the one you strayed from and go at it with everything you have. Then someone comes along and goes "nope, sorry" without any reason and that's the end of it. You spend your entire life with a sense of something you long for but never actually expect to find. Somehow you stumble upon it and all you'll ever hear for the rest of your life was what a mistake it was as you wonder if you'll ever see something like it again.

Does anybody else see a problem with this? Why do we do it? Why do some of us deal with these same disappointments and rejections over and over and over again while others who don't even rate half as decent as human beings never seem to stumble? How is that fair? How is that right?

And when we finally get sick of it, why does everyone else tell us to relax? Why do they tell us we're blowing things out of proportion? Why do they tell us that it's okay because everything happens for a reason as if that makes it all better? Why are we expected to just keep taking it like it doesn't matter and it doesn't affect us?

I don't understand. I just don't get it. And you know what? Nobody else does either. They can try to explain and pretend like they have the answers, but you know they're lying when they do.

So we keep going. We keep pushing. We keep losing. We keep failing. Why do we bother?

Captured At:2307

"Tell my why must I always explain"

There are a number of things swirling around my mind this morning. The first is how strange it is to walk into the office. We've moved things around a little and I'm not used to the new shape of the TechDoc skyline. There's also no friendly "Good morning" to greet me as Carolyn's spycam shows her that I've just walked in the door. Jake delivered that camera when he brought me here on my first day; it seems like forever and an instant ago.

It has become very clear over the past few days that I'm worrying people. If you're concerned, don't be. It's really not worth it. The natural question is what happened; what caused me to turn so sharply and slide so far down? I can only answer this with more questions. Why is it that something specific has to have happened? Why isn't it possible that in my normal, constant process of thought, analysis and reflection I've been forced to consider possibilities I generally prefer to ignore? Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Every person knows that, but apparently real doesn't count for anything. If you want me to play the part of happy and carefree, you've got it. She's a fake, but you can have her back.

:: sigh ::

I wish I knew how to explain. I wish I knew how to open my mouth in such a way that I felt people actually understood what was coming out of it. At the same time I wish I didn't always have to explain myself. I wish some one could just look at me and go, "You don't have to say it. I know," and I would know by looking back that they really did.

There are a lot of things you can fake in this world that carry far more weight than money or designer sunglasses. With the right words and actions you can fake friendship. You can fake confidence. You can fake love. It's a sad but true fact. You can give the illusion of those and more without actually feeling them one bit.

The one thing I have found that you cannot fake is understanding. With that you either get it or you don't. How much you think you have means nothing compared to what the other person feels you do. True understanding comes from seeing a person where they're at, not by combining your assumptions with your analysis of their past and who you think they are or who you want them to be. When you understand somebody you never have to tell them because they already know.

True understanding is exceptionally rare in the world. You can be friends with someone for years and lack the impression that they really get it. You can sit with the family you grew up in and still feel like you're on the outside looking in. These people generally have a better idea about you than most. They may be able to guess what you'll do or say at a given moment, but it's clear when there's something else missing. All of the love and attention and security a person could wish for don’t change it.

I've written this in the best American English I'm capable of right now and people will miss it just the same. Everyone can relate to the "alone in a crowded room" thing at some point or another, but what I'm speaking of is so much more. And that's where I lose them all.

Captured At: 909

"That's when it always happens, the same time every year..."

As I escaped my apartment last night assumed comments of, "She's flighty and unstable" came to mind. From the outside I guess I can see how that would make sense, but I generally don't pay much attention to the way things look. That probably hasn't done me many favors.

Some people run away hoping to be found. I, on the other hand, wanted to be gone. Even the cars on the road made me nervous because they were too close. I just wanted them to leave me alone.

I vanished near sunset and spent over an hour watching the sky grow dark from my tree. It was a beautiful night, but part of me was unable to really enjoy it as I usually do. A random collection of songs serenaded me during my stay that took me to a million other places and times, some more vividly remembered than others. In some respects I was completely frozen where I was. I attempted to sort myself out, but the thoughts wouldn't come.

I didn't want to go home, but I knew I couldn't sit where I was any longer. I didn't know where to go. I returned to Milo and he carried me on a familiar course over the causeway and beyond.

You'd think campus wouldn't be the best place to hide, but I found enough places where I could go unnoticed. I watched people walking below me who never once stopped to look up. People left their meetings or moved around inside the library as ghosts floated behind darkened windows in other buildings.

I walked a little, but not far or for long. Taking a familiar course I noted that I always did hate following the sidewalks, especially when they didn't get me directly to where I was going. There could be a mob of students moving between the buildings and I'd be the one trampling through the grass.

My next perch wasn't quite so high. I sat on the ledge and leaned against the wall looking down at a drop I'd considered making more times than I could count. I couldn't recall if I'd actually ever done it or not. I'd land on my feet unhurt; of that I'm sure. Part of me thinks I may have taken that leap, but it's also possible that's a result of running through it so many times in my mind. On the whole I'm really quite a coward, but the thing I fear actually isn't dying. It's surviving.

When I decided it was time to leave again I didn't want to go home, but I knew it was in my best interest to do so. It had been a tough enough night without adding more stops to the list. I was asleep earlier than I've been in days, yet I’m still tired. I also woke up at 330 this morning for no obvious reason. Three hours later I rolled over without any recollection of having gotten up to turn the alarm down. There's no way I should have made it in this morning.

Somehow I'm still here and lacking the vigor I'd prefer to have. Even on the way in today I noticed that neither Dave nor the sunrise was picking me up half as much as they usually do. You can't say I didn't try though. I looked. I listened. Nothing changed.

::checks calendar:: Twenty-four days until May. I'm tired of this. Let's just get there.

Captured At: 827

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

If I knew what was good for me I'd be asleep right now. Then again, I'd have to know to make that statement, so let me amend it. If I was smart enough to do what was good for me I'd be asleep right now. The thing is I can't let today pass without writing something.

Rollout for STS-114 was scheduled to be at noon today. One of the guys said yesterday that he'd seen many during his years working in the LCC, but that I should go. Another turned on the NASA TV coverage and I told him I wanted to go watch. No, not watch on TV, actually go down toward the VAB. He said he'd go and take me somewhere to get good pictures from, but he had too much work to do. Despite that he said I should go. He encouraged me to go. Go.

They pushed first motion back to 1pm, but potentially faced another delay because of a crack in the foam on the External Tank. At almost 1 no call had been made so I decided I'd leave and take my chances. I parked by the LCC, got myself through the guard gate, and noticed a bunch of people leaving. "It's not going today," one of them told me. I told him that was okay and walked in anyway. I figured if nothing else I could get a few pictures.

Shortly after I arrived an announcement was made saying that rollout had been delayed until 2pm. During the wait I met a USA employee who works on part of the Solid Rocket Boosters. We talked a little, snapped some pictures, and he went off to retrieve his video camera. I have to admit I'd never given consideration to the sort of noise the crawler would make as it carried the shuttle to the pad. It was loud enough to further drown out the muffled voice on the PA system.

From what I'm reading now, first motion actually occurred at 204pm EST. At first it didn't look like the crawler was moving at all, but once we picked a part of the tread to watch it became clear that Discovery was actually in motion. I talked to another guy from USA whose name I didn't catch and snapped a few more pictures. The first guy and I had initially been disappointed at the turnout, but as the crawler made it further and further out of the VAB more people started crowding around. Nearly everybody had a camera.

As I walked east of the VAB I thought I heard someone calling my name. It turns out one of my fellow graduates from last May had spotted me so we talked a little, took more pictures, and introduced each other to those around that we knew. One of the guys he introduced me to found the crack in the tank that had caused the delay. One had to give a "go" for rollout. All of the contractors have been working insanely hard over the last several months; I don't know the last time I saw anyone from NASA put in a 12 hour day or heard of them being in the office at 2am. They must be feeling a strange combination of relief and added stress to see that we're actually going to launch.

After we all parted ways I followed the crawler a little further out. I also stopped by the press site and took a few shots from a distance. One of the news guys and his cameraman were trying find their footing on the hill as they headed off to a nearby crowd of tourists. It was at that point that the freedom I had out at the cape really hit me.

Sure I don't have access to a large number of the buildings, but when it comes to events like today I can come and go as I please. I'd watched my launches from campus and beaches fifty miles away from where I was standing at that exact moment. I didn't have to wonder if I'd make it out of class or a meeting on time to catch the next one; I'd be right there where it was all happening. Wow.

I got back in my car and did the only thing I could think of to do. I drove to HQ and randomly dropped by my IT Director's office. I told him I'd just gotten back from watching the rollout and thanked him for giving me the chance to be out there. He was happy I'd been inspired this afternoon and says it's my job to go out and find things at the center that keep me that way. Apparently exploring actually is an acceptable use of my time. I'll have to remember that. My division chief also happened to stop in while I was there. The director told her I'd just come back from rollout and had been inspired. I told her I had a ton of pictures and she said I'd have to send them since some people actually had to work today.

I returned to my office to find the lead hadn't gone home yet. I resolved a customer issue, asked him a few questions about the brochure I'm supposed to help with, tied up a few loose ends and decided to head home. Or not.

This morning I had no idea what my plan was, so I threw a change of clothes into my bookbag. I took advantage of that before leaving the O&C and laughed at the strange tan lines I'd developed. I'd worn a sleeveless shirt, so my arms were dark to part of my shoulder. The rest was pale. I looked in the mirror before I left and realized it looked like I was beaming. The light sunburn I developed after hours outside probably contributed to that.

Home or not. Home or not. That was the question I asked as I left the parking lot. I took a right turn instead of a left. A minute later I was veering north on SR3 headed toward the VAB in search of Discovery one more time.

There's a stop on the KSC tour where they let you climb this large structure to get a look at the pads and any shuttles that may be on them. That's where I parked the second time around. As I did this a truck pulled up behind me that I was sure would leave me stuck between him and the car I'd parked behind. I got out, camera in hand, and started walking toward the orbiter once again.

"Want me to take your picture," someone called out from behind me as they ran across the street.
"Sure, if you really want to," I answered

He then said he'd hoped it could work both ways since he didn't have a camera on him. We more formally introduced ourselves and walked across the grass and crawlerway for a closer look. We exchanged the usual questions, took more pictures, and watched as Discovery moved further from us.

The next thing that drew our attention was how crushed the rocks in the treadmarks were. Parts of the track were flat and smooth like nothing had ever been there at all. We both picked up rocks that finished shattering in our hands and headed toward our cars.

That's when the truck pulled up to us. "This is going to sound stupid, but you can't take the rocks."

He was right. It sounded completely absurd. I said okay and sort of looked at him unsure whether to throw my fragments to the ground or not. Then the other guy spoke up. "Not even one?" "Fine. One." I looked at what was in my hand and said to him "This was one rock, but it broke." He said okay and drove away completely uninterested. We joked on the way back about how the only job that guy was given today was to stop people from stealing rocks and he must have had some sort of quota. When I shared that part with Mom later she laughed and said it brought up a disturbing question as to how many people were running around there taking rocks from the track. I assured her we were the only ones I saw.

The problem I have now is that I put this crushed rock into my camera bag for lack of a better place and now have nowhere for my camera. Oh well. I'll work something out.

As I type this up I have NASA TV in the other window showing the final stop at the pad. I want to make a trip out that way tomorrow. I also get to go in and email all sorts of pictures to all kinds of random people that I ran into today.

The days when I actually get out of the office really are the best. My high from this afternoon is fading as I get more tired and I know I'm going to hate myself when that alarm goes off in four hours, but I can't complain too much. Today gets written as a good day among a whole string of bad ones. Who knows, maybe it will even start a new trend.

Captured At:2348

Lost in the masses

Over the course of my life I have spent a vast amount of time standing in groups of people listening to conversations. I cannot say I know that it appears as anything on the outside, but being lost in the crowd isn't just an impression in my head. The most telling sign I note is the way my eyes don't actually focus on anyone or anything.

Some people thrive in new environments. They're the ones who often tell me do X because that's how I'll meet people. What they fail to realize is how much easier said than done that is for me.

I have no problem talking. Part of me misses the days when I could walk into a room and spend the duration of my time hopping from person to person. I actually do like to interact, but I fail with relationships in two major ways.

First, I am not outgoing when it comes to new. If I know somebody it is more than likely because I worked on something with them, I was introduced to them by some one else, or they introduced themselves to me. However we become acquainted it's generally not me who pursues the relationship beyond that point. This ties into the second failure.

I am awful at building relationships. I don't seek people out unless I have a reason to, I'm not consciously aware of others enough to do some of the things that help make a relationship stronger, and I get uncomfortable with people I barely know very easily.

Spaced out as I was, my lost phase today found me highly observant of those around me. One of the things I noticed was how some people stand inches away from the person they're talking to. For me this would feel like a highly intrusive move, but others seem quite comfortable with that. I could tell the difference between who was outgoing, who was comfortable enough in their surroundings, and who felt along for the ride.

The HBDI says they attribute 30% of how a person thinks to nature and 70% to nurture. I wonder what it is that makes one at ease in a crowd and another completely swallowed up by it. I wonder about the personal bubbles we create and what guides us in determining their boundaries, as well as how often we redefine them without realizing we've done so.

On the whole people are a mystery to me. I don't understand them in the least and never really cared to. Every now and then, though, I find myself wondering what life would be like if I did. Would I be the same person I am now or would I fall to the pack?

Captured At:2020

There are some things from the past that I'll always wish I'd been alive to see. I think the highest event on that list is when man walked on the moon for the first time. Some say this never happened; that it was the perfect example of our government lying to us. For me, knowing whether we really left footprints in the lunar dust or not wouldn't change a thing.

I've met people at work who have been there since the Apollo days. They tell stories about the environment and the people and the energy. I've met others who grew up watching launches from their living rooms or front yards who say seeing them go up was amazing. They all talk about the achievements made during that time and the awe of seeing rockets spark the sky.

Several of these tales were shared last week as Discovery crept from the shelter of the VAB. It was pointed out to me how much taller the Saturn V rockets were and I was blown away imagining the sight. Last night I watched "Apollo 13", which showed it clearly. It was the first time I'd watched the film in years and I wasn't any less amazed by the story it told.

One of the scenes begins with the camera zooming in on the VAB from above. I looked at the top of the building and realized I'd walked on the very spot they were showing. I recognized parts of the launch pad and control rooms not because I'd seen them in pictures, but because I'd actually been there.

Do I ever look at the things I say? I sure do, and I still can't believe them.

At the end of the movie the question is asked when we're going back to the moon. I'd always wondered if we would go again and now the answer is clear. Yes, we will, and this time I'll get to see it. I'm also in a unique position to be a part of it.

Incredible.

Captured At: 744

Another Sunset Walk

Every so often familiar places take on a foreign appearance. The stretch of Atlantic coastline I've come to know over the past few months is being reconstructed just in time for the next hurricane season to wash the newly transplanted dirt away.

As I walked in trenches created by tires on the giant machines that are rearranging my beach landscape the ocean surged up the shore. The shiny new trinket on my wrist told me I had about an hour before the water would reach its highest point. My walk would be shorter than usual, but that was okay.

Out of nowhere I decided the people shaping my beach had it all wrong. They should be creating giant sandcastles, not ditches. I imagined the piles closest to the water taking on the alternating pattern of blocks one associates with historical medieval fortresses. My walk became a patrol and those waves better not dare step out of line!

I walked as far as the sand and tide would allow. My turn around point was marked by a large pile and some sort of digging vehicle. I cautiously ascended the mountain before me until I could see the road and was surprised to find I knew exactly where I was. I had once spent an undetermined amount of time lying on the hood of a friend's car watching the stars and listening to the water from the very spot I was looking at.

Sliding down toward the trench I had followed I remembered days Bry and I spent playing on a dirt pile next to our garage with Ryan and Nate. I laughed as I leapt over the last hill in my way and nearly fell over. Either I've become uncoordinated or I'm only just now realizing that I am.

Walking back I caught sight of the moon wearing a very thin smile and gave him the usual one in return. To my left ships at sea turned on their lights as the twilight faded closer to black. The sea spilled over the lowest barriers of my imagined palace creating a moat that threatened to dissolve the very walls I walked on from beneath me, yet I continued unintimidated.

Water spilled over the outermost wall as I finally reached the steps that would lead me back to my car. It won this time, but I guarantee I’ll be back.

Captured At:2108

Molding

There are a number of things cycling through my mind right now. It's one of those nights where anything could come out. I have no idea where this is going to go.

When I left the mall late this afternoon I exited through one of the department stores. On the way I passed a little girl who was singing a song whose words I could not make out. I listened to her voice follow me to the doors and I wondered what it is that changes us; when that moment happens that we lose the carefree nature we're born with and become consumed with other things. Is it the first time we're told to stop singing in the middle of a store that breaks us of that habit or the twenty-third? It's funny how I think it's cute for a little kid, but when I walk by a teenager doing the same I groan and walk faster.

Parents have a terrible job in some ways because in the end they get blamed for everything. Anything we have problems with in life gets attributed to the things our parents did or did not do. We look at people with a bad attitude and say that mommy and daddy must not have hugged them enough as a child when for all we know their parents overflowed with outward affection for them.

That we're a product of our environment is true, but one environment can certainly produce different results. Looking at some of the events in my family I can see how they affected me one way and did something completely different to my siblings. The everyday sayings, advice and ideas shared by my parents were received differently by all three of us and are applied in completely different ways.

There are several things about me that I know are a direct result of my upbringing. There are others that, for as long as I've been capable of memory and conscious thought, have always been there whether they make sense or not. I was blessed with two wonderful people for parents and I see little bits of them in myself every day. I don't like having them blamed for negative things about me, especially when what is pointed out is something they saw in me long ago and tried to help or work with.

The natural course of life does take me up and down and has done so for a while. Everyone goes through those things, though I'm told what I do isn't necessarily good or normal. Perhaps not, but it's not nearly as out of control as people want to tell me.

There was a time in my life where the words cynical, jaded, and pessimistic were considered accurate descriptors of me. There was a time when I kept entirely to myself; when I was told I would explode if I tried to keep in everything I was feeling. I failed to show things like consideration and compassion when it came to other people and was always fighting with somebody. There was a time when I was unable to cry because, as my mother said, I taught myself not to. I stood rock solid no matter what happened around me and believed that made me strong.

When I talk about that girl no one seems to believe me because she's so different from who they see now. In most ways that's a positive change. The thing about change is that it takes time. She may not be there all day every day like she used to, but the girl I describe is still a part of me. I don't like seeing something so cold trying to take over the warmth I've worked hard to create.

What exactly does that mean? It means I fight her. It means when I see myself reverting to that unfeeling, "nothing is going to get to me" sort of mindset when I know I should be dealing with things I throw myself one place or another. Up or down, I adjust my focus and force her to feel what she's trying so hard not to. Once she's confronted with reality and acknowledges what's there the world becomes a better place.

That's not to say I make up every emotion I have, but if I'm sitting in a room cycling through one song that always takes me someplace or always makes me feel something I think it's pretty obvious I have a specific goal in mind. I'll admit there are many things I don't have control over, but there are plenty of cases where the place I was in was by my own design. I don't do it for attention. I do it because it needs to happen.

This probably all sounds crazy. I've probably just built the strongest case for sending me to a shrink yet, but the point is that I'm aware. I can go back through my archives and see where I was clearly thrown by something, and in most cases I can identify exactly what was going on at that point in time and what I did that helped or didn't.

A lot of work has been put into me. I continue to be shaped on a daily basis. I know who I want to be and who I don't. I know the qualities I aspire to have and where I'm failing in achieving them. Why? Because I live with me every moment of every day. If I can't be happy with her I have a very tough life ahead.

Captured At:1932

What Sky?

The words "I'm a little disappointed" aren't ones I like to hear. Whether it requires extra hours, no sleep, isolation or any other potentially extreme measure I work very hard to ensure I'm on top of everything I'm doing. It may not always happen in the best scheduled manner, but I get it done and I do it well.

And then there's today; my first failure of what I hope will be very few here. The general consensus is that I've done awesome in the weeks since early retirement brought about a reduction in staff and I took on an important center project. I've been thanked for my efforts and the others I'm leading now have been told they're in capable hands. That's what I'm focusing on at the moment, but I'm also trying to figure out where I went wrong with the one thing that didn't quite come together.

I've decided it's partly my fault because it did slip my mind and partly not my fault because I kept getting pushed back when I tried to address it. My findings were to go to someone who had to report to the person that I needed to get information from in the first place.

Some of the stuff I've encountered defies logic. When I say that I'm always told how young and obviously new I am, and I'll learn how things are soon enough. I can't say I'm sure why that makes it okay.

Earlier this week as I worried about what I get caught in the middle of I was told there are two important things I need to keep in mind. First, I will be blamed for stuff that's not my fault. Second, there are things I will get away with that I shouldn't be able to. I have to admit I'm intrigued by the second and would like to stay as far away from the first as possible.

Honestly though, it's really nice that I have people around who seem to be looking out for me. I've met some good ones out here and surprisingly their opinion doesn't change as I talk to them more. I've been out of my office a lot this week. I've also spent most of that time with some people far higher up the chain of command than I am. I enjoy hearing the stories about their experiences and the kinds of things they've worked on. I'm wowed partly by what they've done, partly that I'm here, and partly because I realize the same kinds of possibilities exist for me.

You know that saying that the sky's the limit?

I'm NASA. We go way beyond that.

Captured At:1619

Calm

"But you're my favorite thing by far, that's gotta count for something," Pat's voice echoed through my car as I was carried to campus. In a disappointing turn of climate Florida had gone from summer to autumn in the matter of a day. I spent a few hours at a Southgate apartment either standing by a grill for warmth or following around a friend like a lost puppy. I periodically gazed toward where the buildings didn't block the sky and decided I should have gone to watch the sunset. Amazing puffs of color flowed quickly down a transparent stream bringing a sort of inner warmth the canister I huddled next to could never generate. As the crowd grew and the atmosphere showed signs of changing to a full blown party I politely excused myself and went home. That wasn't my scene.

I returned to enjoy the simplicity I'm known for - a comfortable bed, the dim glow of a laptop, and the pleasure that comes from saturating sandwiched sugar until it threatens to dive into the very same white liquid that compromises its structural integrity.

A new and equally amazing sun greeted me as I flew toward the Cape. Violent splashes to the left, gentle churns to the right, and boats sleeping peacefully greeted me as I crossed the bridge. Again the wonderment of where life has found me set in. My visit was slightly longer than expected and the travel not nearly as unpleasant.

The next leg of the journey that would be my day carried me back past where I'd gone as darkness set in the evening before. The troops were in the middle of being briefed and the absence of my matching attire was pointed out instantly. Inside I was greeted with smiles and provided with the knowledge that word travels quickly in today's world. A simple message to a dozen had suddenly reached thousands generating the sort of excitement that had spawned it.

I tried to hide and let the jobs be done by those assigned with varying levels of success. Familiar grounds were crossed, familiar people seen, and familiar feelings sparked. My love for where I've been and the things I have taken from my experiences shows clearly. The passion I'm developing for my new home finds its way through as well. Perhaps the world has slowly begun to settle. Perhaps it's waiting to get rockier again. Knowledge of the truth is out of my possession though I often wish it weren't so recluse.

Here quiet fills the spaces sunlight leaves behind. A gentle presence lightly brushes the hair on my arms as it drifts through my skin and into my soul. I can feel it pulsing out of rhythm with the heartbeats echoing within my chest as it stretches to every part of me. The touch of my fingertips induces a lingering sensation I recognize as the ghost of former contact and I fear I'll enter sleep in its embrace.

Close your eyes. Breath slowly and deeply. Let it take you.

Captured At:1719

Playing, Part One

When I parked my car I waited for the song on the radio to finish before I exited. A familiar scene sprawled behind Milo's windshield promising another pleasant memory of the simple variety if I'd just make my move. For the first time in years I read the sign detailing rules of the property I was on and observed how many I'd broken. For as much as I would like to say my actions will be different now, I know they will not. Recently I have been becoming more aware of how much I dislike rules; not all, just the ones that aim to prevent me from acting on my harmless impulses and desires.

Sunlight lazed upon the water as I set the swing in motion. I traced the lines of my jeans down to the blue and white Gazelles I'm slowly breaking in while my legs kicked out in front of me. Wisps of hair covered my eyes as my momentum changed directions and I smiled for the girl I'd found.

It was my seven year old self that spotted the turtle, and she nearly fell off the swing trying to slow it enough to get off. She tested her boundaries to see how close he would let her be and watched his algae encrusted shell as he ran to the water. I could feel her eyes shining. There was so much to be amazed at in the world.

Captured At:2216

Playing, Part Two

The invisible force tearing over the surface of the Earth slowed my forward progress on a familiar sandy trek. The few who hadn't become discouraged by the outside conditions faded behind me as I created the sole set of footprints going north. Foam from the ocean clung desperately to the ground, but it was no match for the wind that carried it in my direction.

It became a game. The salty fluff would blow toward me and I'd jump to avoid its attack. I ran from waves that came further up the shore than expected and left an inconsistent path that alternated between steps and hops. One foot, two feet, one foot, no feet left behind. I threw my arms out to feel the breeze weave through my fingers and capture the sensation that I was flying up the coast.

The music entering my ears further elevated me above the world. I mouthed along with the words feeling every one as I smiled and "sang" to the sky. My fingers tapped at my sides, my footsteps fell in and out of time, and I took in every speck of the fading light I could capture.

I let the wind blow my hair back so I could collect it more effectively and tucked the hood of my jacket between my back and the fabric. The change in direction I made allowed for a quicker speed toward a stairwell still too far away to decipher. I'd stop periodically, throwing out my arms again, but this time leaning backwards into the wind until I lost my balance and sent a childish giggle drifting away. I wondered if there was more joy in the act of playing or in watching someone else engaged in it.

Don't you see the strange way the girl dances away her day?

Why yes, my friend, I do.

Captured At:1246

Eewy Gluey

As I walked the beach yesterday evening something moved me to fill my head with serious thought instead of the lyrics that were building up in there. So much goes on in the human mind that is never seen. I've carried on in front of people with enthusiasm and energy on some of my worst days. I've gone through the motions of so many things without feeling what I should for them. To the others on the beach I was enjoying a walk. What they didn't know was that inside I was actually crying out and I’m sure they didn’t care.

That is not meant to imply there is something going terribly wrong. Life continues to be good to me. It's more myself that I struggle with than anything the world has handed me. Lately I have not been living up to my own expectations in a variety of ways. I know slips are inevitable, but I do not believe that means I have to like them.

I look at where I am and can see instances where my beliefs are in conflict with each other. How do you determine which carries more weight? How do you determine a right course when each way of examining the situation produces a different answer?

Maybe I try too hard to do too much. So much for good intentions, huh?

As my radio scanned this morning I caught a statement that optimism is a conscious intellectual choice. If you ask me, it's a decision for partial blindness. There is no such thing as a realistic optimist.

That last statement is very telling of my worldview. I want to move though life with a positive outlook, but given what I see and know to exist I fail to understand how doing so is possible. There are things in life that I want to believe. There are things I cannot give up on, but I cling to them fully expecting failure or disappointment. How is that a way to live? Is it better to be realistic or not?

Take people for example. I openly say I think people are dumb and express that I don't like them much, yet at the same time I seem to constantly give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't like to believe the worst in others, yet I see it time and again. They look out for themselves. They take conversations had in friendship or confidence and spin lies from them with the intent to destroy. They don't even consider who they hurt.

But at the same time, every now and then I come upon an exception to the rule who shows me that all hope is not lost. A person who is honest, genuine, and demonstrates the softer qualities of kindness and compassion that, sadly, hide in the shadows of this world. If one can exist, surely there must be others like them somewhere.

Getting back to where I started, though, the other day I mentioned that I seem to dislike rules. Breaking the rules is wrong, correct? But what if the rule itself is wrong? What if the rule is inaccurate? What if the rule is minor or seemingly unnecessary and no harm comes from not obeying? What if the rule is grey? Do you follow the rule because it is, in fact, a rule, or do you disregard it?

I’ll give a specific here. One of the rules I broke this weekend for the billionth time was one that visitors to the park I was at must be accompanied by a resident of the housing development it’s in. I have relatives who live there and I’ve often watched their house while they’ve been away. I have a key to the place mixed in with the others on my ring and can get in any time whether they’re home or not. I live in the house when I’m watching it, the longest span having been for several months over the summer. Do I belong on that swing or not?

Part of me says no. I am not a resident, end of story. Part of me says this is minor and makes no difference in the grand scheme of things. Besides, who’s going to fight with me? Naturally what wins is the idea that what I’m doing is harmless because I keep going, but clearly I’m doing wrong by breaking the rule. How bad should I feel about this?

It’s these sorts of things that I’m talking about when I say I’m fighting with myself. I seem to be in this period where I’m seriously re-examining a number of things and I’m not getting very far because it all just melts to this gooey mess. It’s probably a good process for me to be going through, but it sure is sticky.

Captured At:1050

Postlet #5-419

I am sure I have made mention before of the fact that I don't recognize myself. Today the mirror has provided more than the usual confusion as I keep forgetting that my hair is not the length it once was. Let's get the obligatory picture out of the way, shall we?

I'm thrilled, can you tell? So that's me tonight, hair at the length I'm told I usually cut it to even though it seems extra short to me. I also realized that, for as much as I want to, I cannot continue to dismiss remarks that there's less of me. Ugh. I don't want to go shopping.

This evening I enjoyed some quality time as a bum, though not in the usual "I sat around and did nothing" sense. I spent a good 45 minutes laying on a random bench near the river. Florida gave me another beautiful day and it seemed a shame to waste that by returning to my apartment so quickly. I put on some quiet music, closed my eyes, and had no goal other than to relax. I could feel it get cooler as the sun lowered, but the wind was gentle and comforting.

I made a conscious choice to not let myself get wrapped up in the sorts of things my mind wanted to cling to. I ended my time outside before the sun disappeared and had every intention of coming home to do something wonderful with the remainder of my night. It turns out that was making my bed, putting away some clothes, and doing some dishes. It's a simple life I lead, but it's a good one.

Captured At:2133

Mental Chalk

Today's sun has passed the noon position. Tall trees cast shadows east where they will wait until the new sun drives them backwards again. My feet follow the sidewalk while my eyes trace the spaces between light and dark leaving an orange trail only they can see. I blink and my canvas is wiped blank. I start over, changing subjects as I progress.

Miles away a container of sidewalk chalk is tucked safely in my closet. Were it more readily accessible there is no doubt I would be filling in shadows until the sticks were reduced to dust. I know some would call this unacceptable. Though I laugh inside I am sad for them.

Perhaps I should trace their outlines too.

Captured At:1558

:: frustrated ::

I'm a dunce. I had this great post in progress about how incredible the beach was tonight...moonlight, soft sand, twirling and splashing in the waves... Ah. Bliss.

So instead of trying to rewrite that I'll just post a picture. I was looking for something to throw into the water and reached for the closest rock I could find. Once I had it in my hand, though, I realized there was no way I could toss it away.

Yes, somebody loves me.

Captured At:2344

Learning Life

I wonder what it is that changes us from one day to the next. After my walk yesterday afternoon I sat down and began writing what promised to be a longer post than this site has seen in a while. I had opted to leave my space shuttle adventure stories for another time and focus instead on other things that had been cycling through my mind.

These other things centered around words like truth, control, friendship, strength, honesty and character, none of which are small or simple. I gave up after a few hours and went to bed. This morning I have no interest in picking up where I left off.

Naturally there were drivers behind my focus on these issues, and the more I thought about them the more upset I became with the conclusions. I also realized my words had the potential to be hurtful to those reading them. There was nothing harsh in what I had said, but the inevitable conclusions others would draw could only lead to conflict. Clearly these words did not belong being written. Not now.

As I coax the last few drops of chocolate milk out of this bottle and throw it into an empty bag from Manhattan Bagel I mentally go back to my walk yesterday. Though I have my iPod set to shuffle through the most recent playlist I have created the same song always starts it off. Lately I've listened two or three times before moving on to whatever Apple's software chooses to offer next.

It's the lyrics from that which I will share today.

You Learn
Alanis Morissette

I
Recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I
Recommend walking around naked in your living room

You grieve, you learn
You choke, you learn
You laugh, you learn
You choose, you learn
You pray, you learn
You ask, you learn
You live, you learn

In this song I see another example of how understanding gives new meaning. I remember when I would hear it back in high school and it made little sense that she was suggesting people do things like put their foot in their mouth or get their heart broken. Those are bad.

It is only as I have moved more through life that I have come to see how essential these "bad things" can be. I have always believed life to be a learning process and I now know that you get a far better education from the what was difficult, painful, or didn't work out as you had hoped than you do from what's simple and always goes according to plan.

While I wandered on the second leg of my walk I wondered about what we learn in life. Do we all eventually reach the same conclusions? Is there a specific set of things we're supposed to have learned before our time is up? Is any revelation we have truly unique, or does the cliche that it's all been done represent reality?

Unique or not, it's new to me. I think I'll keep pressing onward.

Captured At:1101

Postlet #5-424

My shoulders are burning as new additions to the strange tan lines on my body start to reveal themeslves. With feet still angry from yesterday's trek I crossed the span of beach from Indian Harbour to Indiatlantic and back in just under two hours. Enter a few more blisters and one slightly tired but very content Rebecca.

I talked to my dad briefly this morning. He was checking in to see how this week had turned out for me since last we talked I had some big stuff coming up. I sent him Friday's picture of me all bunny suited up and sitting in the pilot's seat on Discovery while it sits at the pad waiting for launch, as well as one of the watch he and Mom bought me for graduation. Both were very well recieved. Naturally he asked if he could share the picture of me in the shuttle cockpit and said it may end up being the wallpaper on his computer. I do believe I have one very proud father.

Again I see that word travels quickly. I came home from the beach to find a highly unexpected IM from one of my cousins saying he saw the picture and thinks it's awesome I got to do that.

What strikes me most here is that he actually took two seconds to send that message. Though we played well enough as kids we never really talked as we got on in years. I make the comment about playing, but there's a lot more to it than that. This is the cousin I looked up to the most of the the two older ones I had. I thought he could do anything and I wanted to be able to also. I wanted to find favor with him somehow, but he was always just too cool and I was too not. Naturally this desire changed as I got older, but I'm not sure he ever realized.

And here he was, randomly on my computer. All I could do was smile and say thanks.

Captured At:1653

Pride

Not even two minutes after I walked into my apartment last night I was momentarily confused by the buzzing that indicates my phone is ringing. I missed the call, but promptly returned it.

When my aunt recognized my voice she immediately asked if she could come work with me. After sharing my adventures with her for a little while I learned my grandparents had made a trip to Burnt Hills just to see the pictures my father had emailed and were waiting to talk to me. Grandma plans to not only take them when they go play cards with their friends later this week, but also to an appointment she has with a doctor who always asks if her granddaughter is still working for NASA. My family is clearly gushing with pride.

I have to admit this causes mixed feelings on my end. On one hand it means a great deal to me that I can bring that much happiness to my grandparents and various other relatives. On the other I'm a bit uncomfortable with all the bragging and showing me off.

For as many times as I seem to have found myself there I have never been after the spotlight. I was never looking to draw attention to myself.

I remember getting into a conversation not too long before graduation about my “successes”. I was explaining how I’d held a number of positions and had enough awards and recognitions to cover my walls, but none of that mattered to me. Though it was nice to know the things I had done were appreciated that wasn’t what I was about.

It’s still not what I’m about.

When I look at my life thus far what amazes me the most isn’t anything I could hand to another person with a proud or boastful smile. Most of my real successes are internal.

I feel I’m succeeding as I work toward becoming the sort of person I aspire to be. I see successes in the times I fought for right when it was not the popular choice, the times I gave credit where credit was due, and the times didn’t cave to others thus remaining true to myself. I see success in my attempts to stay grounded and show the people who have helped me that I appreciate what they have done. I see success in my ability to place importance on the right things and rise to the challenge of meeting my own expectations.

Most people would say it’s the speech I gave at the Columbia Village dedication that got me to where I sit typing this right now. That’s only true in part.

What was behind that speech? Me realizing just how important a thing I had been asked to do, that’s what. Before I wrote it everyone I had expressed nervousness to told me to relax; that I’d do fine. Were they crazy? This was a ceremony to honor seven people who had given their lives to further ours. Their families, who were kind enough to let us use their names, were going to be there. People who knew and worked with them were going to be there. I was standing up to speak on behalf of an entire college campus. Fine simply wasn’t going to cut it. I wanted to get up there and do so well that when I sat back down people would wonder how anyone could have ever done it any better. Not for me, but for them.

It was my commitment to that desire, the ability to admit I couldn’t do it alone, and my willingness to ask for help that made that speech what it was. When NASA sat down and talked to me their motivation to bring me in came from who they saw I was: excited, curious, intelligent, motivated, “grounded beyond [my] years”...and it’s these things that make the people here want to help me and give me experiences my extended family is ready to submit articles to a New York newspaper about.

So where some see room to brag I see a place to pause, smile, and say “Thank you”. My satisfaction comes from elsewhere. What I value and deem most important is intangible even though the world doesn’t seem to feel the same way.

And even in that I find success. Perhaps the most possible.

Captured At: 913

Postlet #5-426

I love the way the world smells after it has rained on a hot day. I dare say it's one of the finest scents God created.

Captured At:1920

"Who did
You did
You"

I sit at my desk immersed in the world of documentation updates when my screen suddenly disappears with the notes in the headphones. The alternating bars of white and grey I was carefully resizing blur together before swirling into a wormhole that takes me back in time.

Instead of an oversized flat panel monitor I'm gazing into a new laptop. The state of my messy room has not been helped by the desk I've recently carried from a neighbour's apartment into my own. I'm busy, but also excited and happy. New music floats through my ears and I tap along with it.

Now Dave and I are in his car. We're driving toward Subway as I tell him how much I like the first track on the disc we've thrown in the CD player. I have always enjoyed sharing music with people though, sadly, most of them never seem to quite catch on.

Once again I'm back in a room that's a total mess. This time Melissa is helping me rearrange it all to accomodate the desk I've grown tired of tripping over every time I walk in my door. I alternate between that, views of Melbourne out my car window as I drive to campus, and the comfort of the futon in the Student Government office as I lay there doing homework and chatting online via the wonder that is wireless networking.

Slowly the notes fade out. The song comes to an end and I crash back into my chair feeling slightly nostalgic. I think that last fall semester is what I'm always going to remember when "Dodo" dances through my ears.

It's shortly followed by a song that once coaxed me into a piano bar. Those days are pretty much gone for me, but I'll continue to smile and know I enjoyed it while I could.

:: pauses ::

Yes, I do.

Wow.

Captured At:1426

:: exhales calmly with a smile ::

Though I cannot say I looked at a clock for the exact time I would guess it was somewhere around 10pm. It was the first I had been home in well over twelve hours and I was surprised at the motivation I had. I paced the apartment in my pajamas alternating between the tasks of dishes, laundry, eating, and putting the groceries away as I listened to Jack Johnson's latest offering. I was calm and relaxed without a worry in the world, yet also felt happy and alive. It's wonderful when one can feel completely content with what they have.

Looking ahead I continue to see the opportunity for more nights like I enjoyed yesterday. I've imagined myself into them a million times, and if they were all I got for the rest of my days there is not a complaint I could make. Peace is a beautiful thing.

Captured At:1152

Learning on the Job

When I hear the word ambition I think of an inner drive, a motivation, a desire to be the best, to reach the very top, to excel at something in every way possible. It's limited in its positivity because after a certain point I think it can be damaging.

Integrity is not a word I can define easily, but it brings about some very strong feelings. It's something to be respected and something that gets compromised all too easily.

Ambition with integrity is an incredibly powerful combination in my mind. That pairing of words is something I was recently told I have. Though I lack any idea how that conclusion was reached I consider it a huge compliment. I have been told to hold onto it. I have also been told succeeding at that is very hard to do.

~*~*~*~

My lead and I went on a mission to scout out the Cape Canaveral lighthouse to see what sort of seating arrangements might exist for the lunch we want to do. I had been out there once before on a night of exploring KSC after hours, but I didn't know there was a small museum inside talking about its history.

As we went up a few levels and looked at the small displays I was drawn to the people in the pictures. They lived as far back as over a hundred years before my time, yet I wondered about them. What were they like? What did they think of life? What were their dreams? Would they believe what I could show them of the world today, both the good and the bad?

My grandmother used to have several large picture frames that held multiple images inside of them. They were filled with snapshots of time in our family and hung on a wall on the screened porch. I forget how I stumbled upon them years after they were taken down, but the pictures were bleached from years of absorbing the sun as it slowly woke to warm the earth. I remember looking at the hazy faces of the people in them, including my younger self, and another perspective on life blinded me as it clicked and left a blue box I still see when I close my eyes.

Sooner or later we all become faded photos.

Captured At:2146

epimetheus

Part of the monologue I ran through on the way to work this morning made mention of the fact that I'm terrible when it comes to establishing relationships.

This afternoon I ran some paperwork to Headquarters. I only had a room number to direct me, and once there I had no idea who I was looking for. The office was empty. I walked the maze until I found a person sitting alone in one of the offices toward the back corner. He informed me there was a retirement party going on and it would be difficult to track anyone down, but he'd pass along the papers for me. I thanked the man, wished him a great weekend, and went out the door.

Then walking back it hit me. This guy was doing me a favor and I hadn't even asked his name. And why, if everyone else was celebrating a retirement, was he sitting by himself in the office? I had an opportunity to meet somebody new right there in front of me and I blew it because I didn't think.

For as much processing as my mind does on a regular basis there are certain things that simply do not occur to me until much later after something has happened or almost happened. I need to figure out how to shift my focus a little because failure to do so is only going to continue getting me in trouble. Though I dare say many would laugh at the thought, I am actually quite innocent in a number of ways. My biggest worry is how to end that in the places where necessary and not lose it everywhere else.

I suppose that's one more item to add to the list of things I have that are going to be hard to keep. It's a tough road ahead of me, but I fully intend to keep walking.

Captured At:1505

Same Day, Different Year, Same Feeling

A year go I was patiently sitting through my last dinner with the Florida Tech Board of Trustees. Players in Harmony had been invited to sing before our group was sent on its way for the evening. It felt so surreal sitting there next to Liz, listening to them sing "The Rose" and growing more aware by the second that an entire chapter of my life was about to close.

Not long before we had left our apartment that night I recieved a call from some one at NASA telling me that I would, in fact, be going to work for them. I was so excited and I could not wait until I saw my parents and paternal grandparents face to face to share my good news.

Tonight I stood on my porch to catch a glimpse of the latest human creation to be launched into the heavens. I was at the north side remembering how I became stationary in the same place to watch the lunar eclipse last winter when I caught sight of a trail blazing its way across the sky. In my head I heard a smile coating words uttered during the last launch I saw. "That's what you do." I caught the rumble echoing from the cape and felt the wind dancing around me. Again the moment felt almost surreal.

I stood there with a salad bowl in my hands and bare feet sticking out of my blue jeans for nearly ten minutes. A flash erupted as staging took place and slowly faded into the night sky as a clear display of why launching after the sun goes down is so spectacular.

It is amazing to me how one flash of light in the darkness can be so captivating. This dying speck, speeding ever so much further away has the power to leave one standing there unable to move until it disappears. I suppose a light in the blackness, no matter how tiny, is more than worth holding onto.

One year and it all still feels the same. Change. Flying away rapidly in the wrong direction. Uncertainty. Dreams, hopes, fears, wishes, desires. I have been here before in this exact spot, more closely recreated tonight than I could have ever imagined possible. Yes. I remember.

Captured At:2100