Nice to be Writing Again...

Today's post is being created in a slightly different manner than usual because I'm clicking away in a Metapad window instead of a Movable Type text box. I have no idea when the last time I posted was, but it feels like ages have passed. I'm sure I'll go to upload this and feel stupid when I realize it has only been a week. It's funny how our perception of time can change. Six months go in a few breaths, and then the next week feels like a year.

It's December. Forgive my need to state the obvious on this. There are less than twenty days until Christmas and I'm not in the spirit at all. I used to love the season. I remember years of decorating with my family, the joy of seeing a tree in our back yard waiting to be brought inside and digging through boxes as they came up from the basement, arguing over who got to move the mouse in the calendar every morning, the hours of cleaning in preparation for a house full of people, watching candles on the advent wreath at ICC melting lower, crossing my fingers for snow days and delays...

Maybe it loses something being in Florida. Lights on houses just don't look the same without snow. It's starting to feel like autumn here, not winter. I have trouble telling one month from the next. Maybe it loses something being away from my family. One afternoon last December when Liz wasn't around I sat alone in our living room listening to holiday songs I've known for as long as I can remember as I wrapped a handful of presents. Truth be told, it was a little sad. I can remember Liz and I sitting on the floor up in New York, singing together as we wrapped things for aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. I wasn't the best at wrapping or singing, but I always enjoyed that time.

I wish I knew what made those feelings change. It wasn't college. Mom always sent little things for us - tinsel, window decorations, stuff like that. I can't recall exactly how many final exams I took in my Santa hat, or the hours it spent on my head driving between here and New York. Sadly, I don't even know where to find it anymore.

I guess part of the problem with the holiday season is that, while it does remind me of how much I have, it also reminds me of what I don't have. It reminds me of the holes that exist in my life.

That's such a depressing thing to say, but it's both realistic and the truth. For a very long time I've felt joy, excitement, and sadness as Christmas gets nearer and the year draws to a close.

Sarah McLachlan's "World on Fire" is playing through my headphones at the moment. I'm not a big Sarah fan and find her music more depressing than anything else (sorry Melissa), but this refrain has stuck with me for some reason. It's been in my head for days and I can't seem to shake it.

A statement was made not too long ago that I'm obsessive about my music. I'd love to deny this, but there's certainly truth to it. I suppose the best way to respond is that what I really listen to, as in listen to most, are songs and bands that either speak to me or have strong memories and feelings associated with them. Music is incredibly powerful, and since I'm not talented in that area I greatly appreciate those who are.

Have you ever had a moment where a song you've listened to more times than you can count suddenly makes sense? It's amazing how the situations we find ourselves in bring things like that to light. It's easy to laugh and make fun of something when you don't quite understand it, but once it hits you in a meaningful way, that's it. I suppose that's true for anything really - a story or poem, a movie, another person...

There's so much in this world that I know I'm never going to be able to understand. I think our lives are far too short to get any meaningful grasp on a lot of things. That's not to say all of life is beyond comprehension, but the light one area casts is bound to throw another in shadow. I think that's how it should be. After all, if some one gets everything, what's the motivation for them to continue onward?

I find error even in that question because it takes a very self-centric look at life. What if the point of one person's existence is solely how they'll impact somebody else? What if I'm here because my 23 years of limited experiences are going to change the life of the next person I sit down and have a cup of coffee with?

We don't really know, do we? We never really find out either, right? I wonder about the philosophers, intellectuals and ordinary people of days past who pondered the meaning of life. I wonder if they ever found it. I wonder if they learned the answer after they passed on, or if they're somewhere else no more sure of what they're doing than they were when they walked upon the earth.

I wonder strange things sometimes, and I laugh at myself as I go. I think about where this post started, where it went, and where it is now. I have no idea how I got from 'A' to 'Q' and back to 'J'.

So....where to next??

Captured At:1646