Close to Cocky

I spent some quality time this morning driving in to work with an old friend. He's round, black, and goes by the alias uttad for those of us who are too lazy to type out his full name.

There's something about the right CD in the player that can really make a day. I was upset to catch skipping on it, but when I realized my copy was about 10 years old I realized it was more likely that I'd worn it out than that my player was doing evil things.

"Twenty-three and so tired of life such a shame to throw it all away" he sang. I can remember listening to those words when 23 seemed like forever and being unable to even guess where I'd be at that age and how I'd feel.

Driving today I realized that I've hit 23 and I'm not tired of life at all. There are some things in the world I could do without, some messages I've heard loud and clear that don't need to be reinforced, some feelings I'd like to not have again, but on the whole I'm rather happy.

Life has been very good to me so far. Driving back from work today I was thinking how many nice stories I have about people, events, and small moments that make me feel good about my life. I've learned so much.

I can happily say that my big presentation this week went very well. The IT Director said they had high expectations of me when I started and that I've met every one of them so far. My supervisor said he hadn't seen a better ATP presentation. I met with the Center Director this week too, and he also gives me the impression that he can see me going far. Could Derek be right? Could his best friend be running NASA one day?

Time will tell on that one, though I doubt my absence in that position would be due to a lack of effort. I know I have what it takes to get as high up as I want just about anywhere, but I've also learned that it's lonely at the top. I'm not sure the impressive title is what I'm looking for out of life. I know I'm meant for great things - I can feel that inside of me - but what exactly "great things" are is beyond me. It could be pure joy and happiness that most people only dream of. It could be fame and fortune, though I doubt that. It could be anything really.

The world is full of potential, as am I. I have a lot ot be proud of so far and so many more things to come. Again I'm looking at my life and realizing just how lucky I am. It's a good feeling. Who knows what else the future brings?

Captured At:1722

"Some will go and some will stay
It doesn't matter anyway"

I'm not sure how it happened, but the holiday season is upon us. Next week is Thanksgiving break and my grand plans are...well...nothing. That's not for a lack of offers, but I just don't feel right crashing in on what other people are doing. Liz wants to see me at some point that day since I turned down joining her and TJ's family.

One of the radio stations I was shuffling through on the way into work this morning announced that they'll be shifting to Christmas music 24 hours a day. That got me thinking ahead a month and I realized that I'll be driving home by myself this year for Christmas. I don't have Liz to roadtrip with because she and TJ are flying up to New York after they spend a few days with his family. Bryan's making the trip from NC to NY with me, but I'm going to miss Liz a lot. We've been doing this for years and it won't be quite the same.

The other night I was angered to find my FL Tech email account had been deleted without any sort of warning. I knew it was going to go eventually, but doesn't it seem like the right thing to do is give a person notice before you go in and delete all of their stuff? What kind of garbage is that? I was not happy. I think I've been able to log in to most places and change my information, but if I get locked out of something that's going to send help via email I'm screwed.

Everything has really shifted on me. I've been asked if I'm going to stop by Open House tomorrow and I just don't know what to do. It would be nice to see the Ambassadors and some of the people I know on campus, but that's not my life anymore. I can't keep running back because it's comfortable.

Then again, I'm not really comfortable. I feel out of place when I deal with everyone who's back at school. I can carry on a conversation and laugh about old jokes, but I always walk away feeling like I'm still missing something. I know that comes from inside of me, yet I'm not sure how to fix it. I can't live the life of a student anymore. I'm not one.

At work I stay in one place most of the day, tucked away in a back corner. Most people who come in don't even realize I'm there. My co-workers are all married and have families. Conversation in the area covers politics, stocks, real estate, internal politics, and all sort of things I either have no interest in or know nothing about. My world is completely different from theirs too.

It was really sad. I did new employee orientation a few weeks ago and I met a girl who's working with ELV. She asked what I like to do and I couldn't even tell her. I'm terrible at being twenty-three. I don't like clubs, I'm not a big drinker, and I've never been good at making friends. I look at the world through a different set of eyes than pretty much everyone I've encountered. I don't want my life to be about the shallow, meaningless things. I can't pretend I do.

When I last talked to my mom she said Liz was worried about me and thinks I'm lonely. I laughed it off at first, but I suppose she's right to some degree. I'm not sure it's loneliness that's hitting me though. It's the lack of a place. The lack of a direction. I feel lost more than anything else.

Everyone and everything is changing or has already changed on me. I don't see consistency in anything I have. A year from now I very well may have moved again. I could be working something completely different. Many of my friends who are left at Florida Tech are looking at graduation dates and going home or somewhere else. Liz will most likely be gone.

I'm back to seeing just how terribly I fit in this world. There has to be some reason for that. I wish I knew what it was. That's not to say I dislike myself though. I'm pretty happy with the person I am even if it doesn't fit the mold so well.

This is sort of a down post. I hate putting them up, but I'm not going to make things look flowery just because that's more appealing. Everyone has ups and downs. I've been worse and I'll work through what I've got before me now. That's what I do somehow. Always. I'm not about to stop.

Captured At:1250

Postlet #4-1121

Sometimes I think I must be the biggest idiot in the world. I was looking at my arms today and thinking, "Wow. I never realized I was so freckled."

::shakes head::

What the heck is that all about? I mean really. I'm such a loser sometimes.

Lazy Saturdays are a wonderful thing. Too bad my back decided to get angry as I wandered throught Walmart. I think that's the only thing I'd change about yesterday.

I saw the Swift Launch from the car as I was headed toward the beach to watch from there. See? I told you it was a lazy Saturday. :)

There was something different about this launch though. The Cape didn't seem like such a far away place. I go there every day. I'm a part of that. As was pointed out by a friend of mine, that's what I do. I support that. I help make that stuff happen.

Wow.

My eyes still opened wide when I saw that rocket tearing towards space. I'm still amazed. I don't think any amount of time at KSC is going to change that.

Awe is such a powerful thing. Nothing seems to impress people anymore and that's sad to me. There's a lot that adults could learn from children if they stopped to look. Watch grasshoppers, see how close the squirrles will let you get, allow yourself to get blown away by a large pink cloud. Everything around us is amazing.

There's my advice for the day. Spend a few minutes outside. Find something you don't normally pay attention to and allow yourself to enjoy it. The feel of the wind, a leaf floating to the ground, a bird enjoying his wings...any of those are good things. Allow yourself to get lost in it and see if it doesn't make you smile a little inside.

Captured At:1209

Untraditional Holiday

It's Thanksgiving. Contrary to the grand traditions of this occasion, I've stayed home today. When Derek called he asked if I was at least going to have turkey. Is there any point in me cooking one for myself? Nope, there's not. Yes, I could go out, but doesn't sitting in a restaurant alone on a holiday that centers around gatherings of family and friends sound highly depressing? I think it does.

So I let today pass like any other day.

I slept in. I caught the end of the parade on TV. I ran the dishwasher and the washing machine.

I had a whole bunch of things I thought I could do with my time, but I haven't gotten to very many of them. I guess they're things I'm not quite ready to tackle yet, and that's okay.

This morning I was thinking about things and realized that what I really wanted today was to know somebody cared about me. Yes, I knew I should call my family to send them good wishes, but at the same time I didn't want to. I live alone. They know how to find me any time because all I have is a cell phone. They knew I was spending today by myself. No plans, free at any time.

Our world works in mysterious ways because within in hour of that Derek became the first to set off my "You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch" ringer. Aunt Chris followed and during that call I was able to talk to both of my dad's parents. Dad called, passed the phone off to mom, and she turned it over to Bryan. I got a few IMs from people too, and that made me feel pretty good.

I guess my wish was granted.

It's easy to lose sight of the idea that we matter to people as we get wrapped up in ourselves. I know I've been a little down lately, but today I have a reason to smile.

To me, that's more what a day like this is about. It's not food or football or feuding. It's a time to remind the people in our lives that we care about them and be grateful for who we have.

The idea of me being alone today worried some people, but the truth is that it was probably the best thing I could have done. There's a lot of love and kind thoughts floating around this world for me and today that's exactly what I'll be thankful for.

Captured At:1804