Paying rent good, forgetting rent bad

That was my announcement as I handed Geoff my check within five minutes of them closing for the day. Given that I didn't remember rent was due today until after I'd gotten to work I was glad to catch them and avoid another late fee. The last thing I needed was to spend more money on something stupid.

At the end of last month my two speeding tickets from 2001 hit the 3 year mark and become unimportant things of the past. Then Thursday came along and it looked like my luck was about to change.

The officer who pulled me over was on a motorcycle and could easily have been cast to play the stereotypical built, "piss me off and I'll break you in two," sunglassed, African American cop you see in the movies. Do I know why you pulled me over? No, I don't. 61 in a 45? Ouch. I'm sorry. Can you see my license and registration?

Now this is where it gets comical. I handed him my NC license and explained that the address was inaccurate and I had one down here. This generated a discussion of just how long have I been in the state without changing my license? Given that I was a student up until six months ago, the concept of going home for summer vacation is what saved me from another happy fine.

That done, I opened the glove box to obtain my registration for the vehicle. But where is it? I see lots of papers and some older ones, but what on earth did I do with the one that expires in 2005??

I think he got a little tired of waiting for me, so he said he could use one of the old ones he spotted in the pile and went back to his bike. At this point I realize I'd stashed it in the zippered case during one of my evacuations, so I retrieve it, lean out the window, and tell him that I've found the most recent, does he want it? He says no.

There's little else to do but wait. I return the registration to the glove box, lean sideways, and fold my arms before resting them on the space created by my open window. I rested my chin on them, looked at the officer, looked at the sky, watched the birds, la la la, what else is there to do because I'm getting a ticket and that's the end of it, but it's a beautiful day so at least it has some redeeming quality. If you know me well enough you can probably generate a mental picture of me dressed for work, leaning partially out my window and half smiling because the sky will last a lot longer than that ticket.

Then the officer comes back.

O: "I"m writing you a ticket for not wearing your seatbelt."
B: "But I was wearing my---"
O: "You're not listening to me. I'm writing you a ticket for not wearing your seatbelt. At the speed I had you that would be a $160+ fine and four points. The ticket I'm giving you is $75 and no points."
B: "Okay..."
O: "When I walked up to the car you weren't wearing your seatbelt."
B: "Well I took it off because..."
O: "Don't fight me. If I don't write this ticket I'm writing the other one, do you see what I'm saying?"
B: "Yes, I do. Thank you."

So I take my ticket, ask the officer if I'm allowed to leave before he does, and re-enter the 45mph zone of US 1 in Cocoa at about 32. ::shakes head::

I guess I was pretty lucky with that one. Some would say the cop cut me a break because I was cute, but I've never known that to save me in the past. I think this leaves the pulled over and not ticketed to pulled over and ticketed ratio at 2:3. Odds are no longer in my favor.

So I was a good Brevard County resident. I mailed my $74.50 traffic fine and sent out my voter registration on the same day. I'm not going to discuss politics here because I hate it, but I listen to some of the campaign commercials and the things some of these people say and they just irritate me. I can't wait until elections are over.

Work is either about to get real slow or real quick. My project was pronounced complete on Friday, so I need to do a few final things and prepare my ATP presentation. I also have to set up a meeting with a member of our senior staff who just found out I was actually hired and would like to talk. I seem to be doing okay for myself. If this meeting goes well and they can see how genuinely interested I am in getting more involved and taking in everything I can I could find myself in pretty good shape. I'm still not a morning fan, but driving into KSC hasn't gotten old yet and, as I was told Thursday, it never does.

I've really got a lot going for me right now. The last hurricane, though it came close to putting a hole in my wall, has left my building standing and my apartment in good shape. I have a family that loves me and friends who miss me. I have a job I'm doing well at. The sun still rises every day, the stars come out every night the monkey perched on my monitor is reminding me of happy days gone by.

Yep, I'd say life is pretty good.

Captured At:1902

Florida's weather is amazing to me. These days the outside conditions vary between feeling like autumn and feeling like spring. That seems strange to say given that both seasons fall between the extremes of hot and cold, but there's something very distinct about both of them. I can't explain that difference, I just know it when I feel it. And of course everyone who lives here understands that it can be a nice day, and then start pouring out of nowhere.

The weather is often used as a topic for small talk, but I don't write about it here because I'm not sure what to say. I write about it because I am genuinely in awe of how the world around me works.

I can share a fun, weather related story. Maybe it's not all that fun, but if you're good at mental imagery it's probably good for a laugh.

When I woke up to go to work on Wednesday morning it was pouring outside. The conditions were ideal for a day to sleep in, but I'd already stayed in bed as late as I could. I ran through my normal routine as quickly as possible, grabbed an umbrella, and head out the door to see if Milo would mind another trip to the Cape. I held the umbrella and my badge in one hadn, and my keys, cellphone, and a container of water in the other. The only thing I don't like about my brown pants is that they're lacking in the pocket department.

It was raning a lot harder than I expected. I also had the added joy of discovering that my parking lot floods, so there was water trying to leak into my shoes as I fumbled for the "unlock" button on my keyring. Umbrella goes over the door, I get in and try to put stuff down, umbrella gets pulled too far and I lose my grip. I look out the door and find my badge under water, and my umbrella flipped upside down floating in a puddle while collecting a new one inside. Great. So now my badge is soaked, my umbrella is floating away, and I'm only getting later as this scene evolves.

::shakes head:: I'm such a clutz sometimes, but I still made it to work and everything dried eventually. I can't complain, just look at it and laugh.

Last night I stopped to see Melissa before going to have dinner with Derek. She's probably on her way home right now anticipating the joy of surgery to repair the broken leg she acquired when falling off of her horse. All I can say to that is "OUCH!" While I was there she was talking about some ambassador stuff like Halloween and intramural volleyball. I remember writing the story for our first Witch's Kitchen and starting our Ambassador Volleyball team. I was one motivated little Ambassador. I've also been told that they're doing their annual trip to Margaritaville next weekend and that several of the older members jumped up and went, "You're inviting bec, right?" I sort of got them started on Margaritaville too. It's nice to be remembered.

So provided that goes through it looks like I'll be seeing some old friends and making some new ones. I don't know the last time I was out with a bunch of people, which should be a nice change. I haven't been to M'ville since this past summer when Liz, TJ, Derek and I met up with Angie and Chris.

I associate so much with music. I had PMB's "Shine" cd playing as I drove to Derek's last night and it got me thinking about Nick. Liz had given me the disc for my birthday that year and Nick and I were having a tough time after break-up number two. He seemed to be doing okay, but I was a mess. It's strange to remember all of that and realize that those feeling I never thought I'd get past have faded into the history books.

I wonder what he's doing now, what his sister is up to, how his family is... The last time we spoke was in April when he came to take back his bed. It suddenly dawns on me how easy it is to tell some one you'll always be there for them when things are okay. That's not to say I need him to be there, but I do feel bad that I haven't made good on my end of the promise. I wasn't so good to him in a lot of ways.

October 10th. Is it really October already? It doesn't feel like it, but I guess a lot of time has passed. I'm into my fifth month at NASA and that's just incredible to me. I don't know where the time goes. I wonder where I'll be five months from now. I wonder what will have changed. What will my life be like? What about the people around me that I care about? How will things look for them?

So many questions and so few answers. That's the story of my life in some ways. Who would have thought I'd make it this far?

Captured At:1216

Thinking Out Loud...

There are some days where all just feels right with the world. For me, yesterday morning was one of them. I can't quite explain where the joy I felt came from, but there was something inside of me that wouldn't be contained as I drove to work. It's strange how timing works, but for the first time in five months I ran into Tom. Well, not literally, but still.

I pulled the CD out of my car and looped it as I sat at my desk. I just felt happy. Eight hours passed and there I was, in my car one more time, tapping away on the door and singing my little heart out. It's a great feeling.

Yesterday was a beautiful day too. We're nearly half way through October and I was standing there in flip flops and a sleeveless shirt. It reminded me why I love Florida so much. I notice I've said I was standing. I can expand on that. I decided I'd walk to the mailbox for a change and got caught up watching a squirrel in the tree at the bottom of the stairs. I've never taken the time to watch squirrels before, but I was completely taken with this one as he nervously decided he could still move and resumed his hunt for dinner. I was surprised to find a strange form of acorn in the tree. It reminded me of home.

I wonder how they know which ones they can eat and which ones they can't. I admired how my little rodent friend could stretch and move. At one point he was suspended upside down by his hind legs as he chewed away at his treasure. It was amazing. I thought of Derek and how he always claimed the squirrel was his power animal. I'm going to have to vote no on that one though; last I heard Derek wasn't quite so good at twisting and stretching himself about, and he'd certainly be the clumsy squirrel that feel out of the tree.

Then there was today. I drove off to work in a happy mood once again. I watched the sun come up and ignored most of the other drivers as I meandered northward. I'm nearly done with my final presentation now and, having put in an extra hour today, left after 6.

As I locked the door in my deserted hallway I was struck by the history of where I was. I wondered what the building was like when it was new, how many people had walked the hallways and what they were like, and the things those walls had seen and heard.

Then I got outside and once more it hit me - something in the air I knew the feeling of all to well, but simply couldn't describe. I'd bottle it if I could. Not to sell, but to open up and release into the world on days when it feels cold and tired. I watched a spectacular sunset on the drive home that turned parts of the sky a firey pink. I observed how the rays highlighted the grass giving it a golden color I'm quite familiar with. I thought about how amazing the world is, how amazing life is, and felt a sense of calm and peace.

As I observed this I thought I must be crazy. My faith has been a question mark for years, yet when I look around me, feel what I do, and listen to myself ramble on about them I have to wonder. I may dislike organized religion. I may feel uncomfortable going to church. But I really do think there's something out there a lot greater than anyone could imagine.

I believe there's a right thing and a wrong thing and see the shades of grey between them. I believe in working to be a good person. I believe in helping others whenever and wherever possible. I value things like honesty, integrity, and taking responsibilty for my own actions. I've learned love, compassion and acceptance, and see so many places in the world where their existence is lacking. I've realized that good thoughts, wishes, and prayers really aren't all that different. I've come to appreciate the people and things in my life and remind myself every day just how lucky I am.

Part of this is where I sense something different about me. I live in a world where most people are out for themselves. It's not even just other people that they fail to see, but they also lose sight of the amazing things that go on around them. They don't notice the sunset or feel the change in the wind before it rains. They could never be bothered to watch a squirrel in search of his next meal or smile at a small child just because they're there. They forget that this life is made up of more than just them; more than what they see or overlook. And when I think about those people I feel bad for them. I know what they're missing and they'll never have any idea.

I don't do everything right. I'm imperfect in so many senses and maybe I really will be going to the firey inferno we've been taught to fear, but on the whole I really think I'm okay. I'm trying to get by living the best life I know how and never taking for granted the things I've been given.

I can only hope that in the end I'm successful.

Captured At:2051

Postlet #4-1023

Wow. It's been a while, hasn't it?

And you know what the worst part is?

I have absolutely no idea what to say about anything.

Where to begin collecting my thoughts has completely escaped me. It's a strange feeling because I'm usually thinking about something...anything...and yet there's nothing that comes to mind.

I don't want this to arise any sort of concern. I'm doing well. Really well actually. Life continues to be kind to me and I'm thankful for that.

I've done some good things. I sent a package of sorts off to my grandparents that I know they'll be happy to recieve. I attened my CLF graduation and wowed several people who couldn't even remember my name when they found out I worked for NASA. I swear, I could be mopping floors at that place and people would still think it was impressive. I remembered to return Liz's shoes. I went out with friends tonight even though the original plan changed once we were all together.

I think we had fun though. We laughed together, which is always nice. Our waiter also had some fun with us towards the end of the night as he added to my silly sculpture on the table. I love to get other people playing. :)

I was asked tonight if I miss Florida Tech. There are some things I'd love to have back, no question, but time moves on and so must we all. I really don't know what happens to my life from here. People have very high hopes for me. They really believe I'm going to do something great with myself. I wish I could see that.

I can to a small degree, but I just don't know. One minute I think I have any idea where I'm supposed to go and the next one I see something else that might be nice that doesn't necessarily jell with the first. What will really be only time knows.

My life has calmed down quite a bit from the one I knew before, but inside I still fight with myself. Who do I think I am? What am I supposed to be? What do I want to be? Am I getting anywhere?

I wonder what effect my actions today will have on me five or ten years from now. I wonder what they do to the people around me. I wonder what I'm creating or destroying without even realizing it.

At times it's enough to drive one crazy.

And that really always has been my problem. My mind runs so far ahead of me sometimes and I don't know how best to deal with it. I can remember being told that I have no direction and that I don't think enough about the future. I realize now that the best rebuttal I can give to that is that I do think about the future and I do have a direction, but not in the sense that most people do.

I don't fit. Twenty-three years and that fact still remains. Maybe in the end that will be the very thing that helps me. I just don't know.

So numerous they are, the questions of life.

Captured At:2302