Conglomerate

Earth Science. 9th Grade. We did a whole unit on rocks. I'm looking at today's post like one of those specimens; a mixture of numerous, not necessarily related pieces.

"Our world works in a weird way..."
Have you ever felt that something completely outside of your control was moving your life around? I last had this feeling a few months ago upon receiving my diploma and finding out my graduation honors had been amended. It was a welcome surprise, yet still seems odd to me. That same sense of, "Well that's nice, but why? How?" reunited with me on Friday as I talked with the guys I was following around at work that day. I struggled with an answer to those questions and have come to a small acceptance that resolution can only come with time.

"Her mixed tape's a masterpiece..."
Music provides such wonderful enhancement to road trips and driving in general. I made my return from St. Petersburg in high spirits today as the random songs showing up on CDs sent my mind to all sorts of good places. I pondered my sanity for so happily singing along to a song whose refrain includes the lines, "how do you tell some one you don't love them, how do you tell some one you don't care anymore" and thought of the first random trip Chris and I made to Orlando hoping to catch Buffett at Margaritaville. I could hear Melissa laughing because "Eight Days a Week" was stuck in my head and I kept randomly bursting into "hold me, love me, hold me, love me" at work. I could see Bryan rolling his eyes as yet another "stupid" song came on the disc he was being tortured with in Virginia traffic.

I missed Liz. It's was always fun to road trip with her because we know almost all of the same songs to sing and goof off to. That's what happens when you grow up together I guess, you remember the songs and what goes with them. I could see the look she gave me as "Jig" from "The Little Mermaid" mocked her from the speakers on one trip; she told me I was a loser for including that on a CD. That memory only made me smile bigger when it came on today because I'd forgotten it was there.

There's an odd collection of songs on those CDs. "We Built this City" came out of nowhere, which took me to a conversation Derek and I had this weekend. He hates the 80s. He says they were awful and he's sick of people trying to make him remember them. I may have to disown him. Sure it was a cheesy decade in a lot of ways, but that's part of what makes it fun. :)

Telling the story
I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend. Actually I started long before, but that's beside the point. One topic floating around in my head was the idea of what makes a spectacular life. Books, songs, movies, and other forms of media put out all sorts of fantastic ideas that some people will spend a majority of their years trying to live out. I wondered about the creators of these things. I wondered if they really felt everything they were preaching in their works, or simply looking to make a few bucks by getting people's imaginations spinning.

Granted great things come from imagination, but can you really have a fulfilling life if you spend it trying to capture some one else's romantic notions?

As my thought progression continued I wondered why a person would chose that sort of path. Attention. I think it's an attempt to feel they're something; like they're better somehow. They need something so they can stand up and say, "Look at me!" In the end, it's all for show. And maybe that's why I don't understand that sort of mentality; because I'm not out to impress anybody. I want to find things that make me feel my life has been worthwhile for myself, not take candy from some stranger in the street because the wrapping is shiny and claim it as mine. I don't think this jives with a lot of the world. Then again, I've never quite fit anyway.

"Come up through my toes, to my ankles, to my head, to my soul..."
I had a wonderful time playing with the Gulf last night. I was standing on the beach in sneakers a lot closer to the waves than one belongs when they don't want their shoes wet. Most of the foam didn't even come close, yet a few puddles crawling up the beach forced me to jump around to stay dry as they washed my shoeprints away.

I finally gave in and, now barefooted, walked a lot closer. The deep orange twilight was fading over my right shoulder, stars were visible above my head, and despite the crowd gathered for the fireworks display everything seemed calm. With each wave it felt like the sand was disappearing beneath my feet. I thought the water would have taken me away too if I'd let it.

Still standing in the surf I rotated 180 degrees so I could take in the entire scene behind me. I fought a very strong temptation to lean backwards and let myself fall into the water.

Out of nowhere, something hit me. I've been saying for years that all I want out of life is to be happy, but that's not it. It's more than that. Happy comes from other things, specifically the desire that suddenly seemed to reside at my core.

Peace.

It was a wonderful, yet disappointing revelation. I was one step closer and still a million miles away. Can a mind constantly in conflict with itself ever find lasting peace, and from that be happy?

Captured At:1331

"I'm just hanging on while this old world keeps spinning..."

There are some days I wish I could post feelings; that by pressing some magic button the reader would be overcome by the exact emotions that motivated my fingers as they typed "click here" on the keyboard. I'm in a strange form tonight. I can feel that. I'll try to get it lined up, but I can't make any promises.

Shortly after dinner TJ left the house to take care of some stuff at the apartment. Liz had just put in the new Buffett CD I'd brought her and was asking where the good songs were that'd I'd mentioned when I gave her my brief review of the disc. I skipped the disc ahead several tracks and told her I hadn't been able to get the song she was about to hear out of my head. I sat at the counter sipping a coke as Jimmy and Martina took me once more on a trip around the sun, and somewhere in there I glanced upward, found my image in one of the silver pots hanging from the rack, and got lost in it.

But it wasn't some narcissistic delusion that kept my gaze fixed. It was the eyes of a girl I barely recognize reflecting a solution of joy and pain so strong I thought they were about to overflow. I couldn't tell if I was looking through her or if she was looking through me, but the things I saw were almost overwhelming.

I don't see or talk to anyone much these days. I realized the distance I've been accused of isn't entirely a figment of other people's imaginations, but I still don't know why it's there. Something in me said it was time to come clean, whatever that meant, and I guess that's what I'm trying to do here with little success.

I'm walking a very fine line right now. I can't tell whether I'm happy or sad, about to laugh or cry, lost or right on track. I lean toward remorse one minute and thanks the next. I've taken Derek from happy to nuclear and back again so many times that I wouldn't be surprised if he turned around and walked away for good.

I've been trying to sew up a tear that can't be mended no matter how much I wish it could be. I continue to fight the battle of what I think I want versus who I know I am and who I want to be. I'm not sure I know who that last person is anymore. I'm loving and hating my life simultaneously. It's hard. So very hard.

And I'm doing such a bad job here. I don't think any dictionary in the world could give me the right words to combine, and I wish once more that emotions could be formed into a neat little electronic package. There's a lot more here, there really is, but I can't get enough of a handle on it. So I give up.

Captured At:2214

Puppy Love

I figured after a post like last night's I should share something mildly amusing.

Liz and TJ are watching Aunt Sandy and Uncle Jon's house this week. I went over there for dinner and randomly fell asleep on the couch.

When I woke up it was dark, they were gone, and I was confused. I didn't think I'd moved all that much but something caught the attention of Sydney, their new puppy. She's suddenly standing next to the couch looking at me, but that simply isn't enough.

In a matter of seconds the puppy is on the couch with me, walking across my back to be more specific. She's slipping into the crack between me and the back of the chair as she works her way up and lays down. She's still trying to wedge her head in to lick my face and moves up a little before she starts chewing on my hair.

Maybe if I ignore her she'll stop.

Nope.

So I did the only logical thing one would do after they've been made a puppy playground. I slid her over the arm of the chair and plopped her onto the ground. I'm sure the imagery of the whole sequence was very cute, but I'm just as glad no one was around to catch it on film.

Silly puppy...

Captured At:2152

Postlet #4-716

I logged in to write a new post and I caught the title of the last one. Puppy Love. I think that was a series of levels in one of the Earthworm Jim games. It's silly the random things I think of.

I'm glad to have an entire weekend ahead of me. My room looks like a disaster area, Milo could use some attention, and I'm just plain tired. I think that last one may prevent the other two situations from improving, but I'm okay with that.

Today started off a little shaky. I met with some one who didn't leave me with warm fuzzies about myself or my place of employment. That all turned around by the end of the day when two of the people I met during my assignment with the Shuttle group replied to my "thank you" email with plenty of positive encouragement. It's amazing what a simple kind act can do.

It's a lot cooler out than one would expect for a summer evening in Florida. I've been wearing jeans all day completely unfazed. The sky has been simply amazing. It was so dark and angry earlier, but now it's blanketed with light, calm, flowing clouds highlighted by soft, sun-inspired hues. There's something very peaceful about my world tonight, and if I weren't alone and tired I'd be outside moving toward a beach somewhere.

I don't know the last time a day went by where I didn't find something that made me stop, smile, and think how spectacular life is. That's a good feeling. I lack a sense of direction with just about everything right now except for that. There's magic out there - waves of it - just waiting for the moment of discovery.

Are you looking?

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My Piece of Magic

I was enjoying the few drops of rain today's clouds offered when Liz called me. Grandma and Grandpa hadn't flown home yet so we were invited to go see them at Aunt Sandy and Uncle Jon's house before they leave for New York in the morning. Conversation ranged from work stories to new purchases to Uncle Tom's master plan to go to Key West when he turns forty in a few years.

It's always nice to see my family, but after visiting for a short time I run out of things to say. Within an hour a faint sense of somnolence tip-toed behind my eyelids and encouraged me to return home. I said my good-bye's and thank you's and disappeared out the door, new treasures from St. Maarten in hand.

I made the first right turn off their street and felt my eyes widen with wonder. Straight ahead, spanning half the sky in front of me, was a rainbow. Milo carefully navigated the streets and with each turn the colors became bolder and more pronounced. I watched it the entire trip with hopes of finding a camera when I returned, even if all the shot displayed was a ghost of luminescence gently kissing the clouds.

For me there was always something about rainbows. They had this mystery and magic to them, and while I can't say I saw many as a child they found themselves into numerous masterpieces I created. They were always the same - the best semi-circular group of stripes a not so steady hand could produce with crayons or paint stretched from one solitary curved black outline to another.

With each fraction of a mile I traveled tonight my guide faded a little more until finally, just before I reached home, it had disappeared completely. I suppose that's how it is with the beautiful things in life; the faster you rush to capture them the quicker they fade away. So before you chase, take a moment to smile at what's in front of you and all will not be lost should your attempts fail.

Today's rainbow is gone and it has been years since my pictures adorned refrigerator doors and my father's office wall. Still, I write this entry with my lips slightly upturned in a smile. It's what we store inside our hearts that truly remains with us forever.

Captured At:2151