Why is My Weekend Almost Over?

It's almost 9pm on a Saturday. The most overwhelming thought on my mind - one I've had most of they day - is that my weekend went too fast and Monday is almost here. I'm hoping my body will quickly adjust to the new schedule it's now held to.

Once again I find myself thinking about life. It seems the players change but not the scenarios they struggle through. Right now I'm playing a familiar game from an entirely new position. Or am I trying to play two positions at once?

I have no idea really. I just look sometimes and wonder how I got to where I am. I look at the people around me and the positions I put them in. I think about the emotional stress I cause them and I wonder how I could make their lives easier. Sometimes I think the way to do that is by disappearing, but no one ever seems to like that answer.

I suppose that should make me happy. It's a nice thing when people don't want you to leave, right? It should be. But it doesn't always feel like it's that simple.

::sigh::

I don't want to think anymore. I can't come up with the answers to make everything all better. Talking isn't working. I feel stuck in so many ways and I hate it. Maybe I should just go back to bed.

Captured At:2124

I'll admit it

It's strange that I post less now than I did when I was sitting around doing nothing. You'd think I'd have so much more to say. I guess I'll have to make keeping this site going more of a priority.

I got my official badge for work today. I guess this is it; I really am working for NASA. I won't say I like being awake at 6am to drive 50 miles, but the view once I get to the cape is wonderful.

Every morning I drive into the sun and watch light dance across the water. The VAB hovers silently in the distance and, once it attracts my attention, I'm not only blown away by my natural surroundings, but also the realization of where I am and what spectacular accomplishments are made there. Every afternoon l walk out of my building looking skyward, lower my gaze to the buildings around me, and have to remind myself that yes, that's where I work and yes, I will be back.

I know that will probably change as I get settled in, but right now I think I'm going to enjoy it.

My mentor has already made a few jokes about how I'm going to be Center Director one day. Naturally I laugh and state the contrary, but given how I ended up working there I guess it's a logical one to make. He's certainly not the first. The whole story of how I ended up there is so unreal to me at times, but it still feels wonderful to know that I was given an opportunity to do something important and ran with it.

A friend of mine told me once that they were proud of me for what I'd done and where I'd ended up, and that they thought I was proud too. In the interest of keeping myself grounded I tend not to think too highly of anything I've done but, as is often the case, they hit it dead on. I am proud of myself for this one.

The next challenge is to keep moving.

Captured At:2251

"So this is what it feels like to get a little older..."

My random amusement so far today was getting out of the shower to see the way my jeans were crinkled up on the floor. It had me thinking of "The Wizard of Oz" and the wicked witch's legs sticking out from under the house and shriveling up. I then remembered being asked once how the Wicked Witch of the West took showers and responding that she obviously didn't, that's why her face was green. Good times. :)

I'm all "oompa loompa'd" right now. That's what Dave would call it at least. I'm still not sure how towel on head + fluffy bathrobe makes one an oompa loompa, but okay. I'm now thinking they had green hair and orange faces and wondering if there's any distant relationship between them and the aforementioned witch. My mind works in strange ways, connecting things that are seemingly unrelated to the rest of the world.

It's well into the eleventh of June. I've survived my first day of being 23 and it went mostly as I had hoped. I'm sure I've stated this somewhere before, but I lean toward trying to ignore my birthdays. That doesn't mean the people around me cooperate, but I did have a few nice surprises yesterday so I won't complain too much.

What does another year really mean anyway? I'm still the same person. I still look and think and act like me. Flipping my rightmost digit doesn't change that and, honestly, I'm glad for it.

I had a very nice phone call with my grandmother last night. I wanted to make sure she knew I got my card on time because she was concerned I wouldn't when she called last week asking for my address. She said she's been calling me her NASA girl and told me again how proud she is. She's in agreement with many other people who believe I have great things coming for me. She says I have everything that it takes to make those things happen and she has no doubt I will.

Somewhere in the folds of conversation I made a remark about not looking my age. She agrees and says that's because I'm young-spirited. I told her that's the one thing every person I've been close with has said they love about me. They say I've helped them remember things they'd forgotten about and that they hope I never change or grow up. She seemed happy to hear that and remarked again that I have a beautiful spirit.

On the beach last night I shared that conversation with Derek and told him that I can't think of anything better to give somebody. To be able to put a person in touch with a part of themself that they'd lost, to make them remember what it's like to be happy and full of wonder is just incredible. That's not to say everyone realizes that's what I've done, but when I hear random stories from days gone by followed by a laugh and a, "Wow, I'd completely forgotten about that..." I always smile.

Mom asked me yesterday if I feel old and was surprised when I told her yes. As expected she threw a little Buffett at me in her remark about "growing older but not up."

Perhaps one of the reasons I don't like my birthday is because growing up is a constant battle. Part of me gets tired of the child and comes up with lists of things to do and think about so they can act their age, whatever that means. Another part of me - a much bigger, much stronger part - refuses to spend the rest of their life seeing a hat.

So back to my earlier question, what does another year really mean anyway? You can't measure a person on years any more than you can measure them on how tall they are or what kind of car they drive. Age has nothing to do with who they are, and isn't who a person really is what's important?

Captured At:1508

Mind Games

I'm currently in a process of constant browser refreshment as I help Samantha on her quest to find the perfect blogger layout. Now if you asked me what that is I'd say it's the one you create yourself, but I think she's HTML-impaired.

There was a time when I didn't know what HTML was or that it even existed. I've just taken a long break to see if I can "tweak" any of the templates. From that comment I suppose it's clear to see I learned not only what HTML was, but how to be decent at reading and writing it. I enjoy being able to get creative with things.

Samantha was talking through her blogger setup with me. She told me what username she was considering and continued through the process. Now I know how blogger does their website addresses, so while she was looking at layouts I tried the username she mentioned, found the page and offered my comments. It seemed perfectly logical to me, but she was surprised I'd found my way there without being given the address. Since I'm a nice person I explained how I'd tracked her down. I should have told her I had magical powers; that would have been much more fun. :)

This gets me thinking about knowledge, what "obvious" is, and then settling on the idea that the mind really is amazing. A group of people can look at something, pick out what's obvious to them, and still not see what another did. I guess, like a Magic Eye, it's all about the way you look.

I remember not being able to do those for the longest time. People tried to explain all of the tricks to me, but I could never make the 3-D images jump off the page. Then one day I was at an optometrist's office and he had a huge one sitting on an easel that I focused my attention on. I was determined not to let that piece of paper beat me. I don't know how long I stood there staring into swirls of black and white, but all of a sudden something shifted and I could "see." A star here, a box there, it was the coolest thing I'd ever seen! I was so pleased with myself.

Like with many things, the novelty wore off. I can get those sort of things in a matter of seconds now. In fact, I can't look at one and not see what's hidden inside. One of my DMB posters has an image like that and many people have huffed out of my room aggrevated that they couldn't see the picture it contained. I'd like to say I feel bad when that happens, but I usually laugh. I'm not very nice.

Of course I have my moments of missing things too. Last week Derek had a spanish CD playing and I asked which instrument was responsible for a certain sound I couldn't identify. He named a few, but they were all ones I was familiar with that didn't seem to fit what I was asking about. I'd tried to explain the sound to him - point out when it had occurred, the quality of the noise, et cetera - but I was unsuccessful. It was clear to me which one I was talking about and I was a little frustrated that he wasn't picking it up. It turns out I was really the one missing out. While he didn't answer my question, what he had done was alert me to several sounds that I hadn't noticed because I was so focused on the one whose origin I didn't know. He'd had the song and I only had one noise.

But music is wonderful like that; so many layers.

I think we take a lot of things for granted. We forget that what is completely logical to us isn't necessarily going to register the same with some one else. At the apartment complex Melissa and I visited yesterday I commented to the woman showing us a room that the main door was in a bad place. Its proximity to the refrigerator was a collision hazard should one attempt to open both at the same time. She opened the door all the way and found it hit the fridge even when it was closed. I'm not sure what surprised her more, that they'd hit or that no one had ever pointed that out.

That last idea shocked me. I can't imagine looking at an empty room and not mentally moving myself and my stuff around in it. Isn't that part of why you actually look at the rooms in the first place? I wonder how much cursing of that door has been done by current and former residents who didn't make the same observation prior to moving in.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do to keep myself occupied. Right now it's okay that I don't do much when I get home from work, but I know (hope) I'll settle into the routine of waking up early and will be looking to do more than sit around by myself wondering how one goes about moving doors.

Over the years I think I've added too many items to the "I wish I could do that" list to count. I'd recreate a short part of that list here, but it's become so expansive that I'm having trouble coming up with a subset which accurately represents the diversity of items it contains. Just take my word that it's a lot. This list seems like a natural place to start as I try to figure out where I go next because it's not just about being able to do stuff. It's also about knowing, understanding, and familiarizing myself with stuff I couldn't tell you a thing about.

If I had my way I wouldn't have to wish for that sort of talent and knowledge. Then again, if you know it all, have seen it all, and can do it all, why be alive?

Other than to watch the sky of course. ;)

Captured At:2256

Inhale.......Exhale........Inhale.......Exhale.

I'd like to believe I've done a good thing by moving from my room into the living room. It's one step closer to the door and I'd much rather be outside. I realized tonight that I spend far too much time under artificial light shivering to a fake breeze.

I stopped for a few moments to watch the sunset this evening. It had a soft quality to it that made me think of home and wish I had a nice chair to put on the sidewalk so I could watch until it disappeared. I would have been outside for a long time; there was still color in the sky when I helped Liz and TJ bring the groceries in.

I walked to the parking lot and imagined being somewhere else. Normally a night like this would make me long for the beach, but instead I was wondering what the view would be from a blanket in the middle of nowhere.

What's strange to me is how long it has taken to write three simple paragraphs. Usually commentary on the world flows easily. It feels sort of like I absorbed the calm and left my mind on that blanket in the hills. I wish I could join it.

Captured At:2234

You Should Have Seen It

It's noon on Sunday and I'm still trying to figure out what's happened here in the last few days. There are a handful of people that I'm sure would like an answer to that question as well. If you don't know what I'm talking about it's best not to concern yourself.

I wish I could explain what, how, and why. I wish I knew those answers for myself and I hope to slowly work them out.

The calm to the confusion came while watching lightning from the beach last night. I don't think I ever realized how many different ways there are to illuminate the sky. There was a small group of clouds above the ocean whose flashes were mostly internal, providing a backlight so you could identify their exact location. The more aggressive group was further north hovering over hotels along the coastline. It sent forth massive electric rivers that snaked across the sky and disappeared directly over our heads. ::smiles:: So much better than fireworks...

I sat with eyes wide, mouth slightly opened and smiling with awe. Derek's amazement at some of the more spectacular flashes, indicated by a soft "wow," made the surprised "whoa!" that occasionally escaped my lips seem like a shout in comparison. I asked if he thought anyone else was outside watching too. He said he hoped so.

Once again the sky topped the list of beautiful and amazing things in our remarkable little world. If you missed it last night, don't let yourself again.

Captured At:1304

"Well it's not just a daydream if you decide to make it your life..."

Have you ever had a feeling you wished you could bottle? I ask the question in the least entrepreneurial sense possible. I'm not looking to sell anything. I'm talking about putting away a feeling because you know you're going to need it later.

I was driving around last night to take care of some errands I'd neglected and realized I was in a good mood. The sun had already set, but glowed behind the clouds in enough of a blue/green color that you could tell it was still lurking somewhere. It was warm, and as I drove with my window down and DMB echoing through my car I thought of home. I remembered the back roads of Charlton in the summer. I remembered the freedom offered by a driver's license, especially after dark. I missed Des' sunroof and the complete lack of cover my dad's Miata offered.

As I smiled and sang my heart out the love of life I'd lost sight of snapped back into my body. Everything was suddenly brighter. Inside half of me was laughing and the other half was kicking myself for being so silly. What had I let happen to me? How did I let things get so out of control? Where had the last month of my life gone? Why was I allowing myself to waste away in the large white box I call my room when there was so much more?

And when it finished asking questions it knew it wouldn't get an answer to it began giving this great motivational speech. It told me that I needed to get my act together; that I had a lot more freedom than I wanted to believe and it was time to start finding new things in life to enjoy. It told me to stop expecting my world to change and, instead, go out and change my world. I could have anything I wanted, do anything I wanted, be anyone I wanted, but none of that was going to happen if I kept sitting on my butt wishing for something else.

I wish you could have heard it because it really was incredible. It made me wish I had a destination other than the bank and the grocery store. I wished Kylie was closer so I could call her up and tell her, "Life is amazing, let's go out and have a good time because it's been far too long."

But even in those moments I'm too realistic. I knew holding on to that attitude for a prolonged period of time would be difficult. I began half listening to the mental motivation and half trying to determine how to keep it. I can't say I found an answer, but I know I'll get there. It's called optimism, and today I have lots of it. :)

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