"Yesterday's over my shoulder
So I can't look back for too long"

It's quarter after 10 on a Sunday morning. My family is northbound once again and after a few days of running around everything seems quiet.

I'm not sure I could have asked for a better day weather-wise for graduation. I could tell when I walked out of Clemente that it had rained, but the sun pushed through and the clouds that were present decided to save their liquid blessing for another occasion.

The ceremony was nice. I suppose it's almost fitting that I got to look at everything from a different angle than most graduates do. I think the best part of sitting on the platform was how much I could see that I would have missed otherwise. I could look at the crowd to pick out familiar faces. I watched the expressions on the graduates as they walked across the stage. I could see my parents smiling at us and my brother gazing longingly at the ceiling wishing he was somewhere that didn't require a tie... There was so much to take in.

I was very nervous going into all of it. Liz reprimanded me for being jumpy as we lined up in Gleason saying that if I got her worked up we were going to have a problem. Once our part of the procession reached Clemente and the Grand Marshall led us into the crowd I found I couldn't stop smiling.

It's amazing how much easier the day seemed once I finished my speech. Thinking about it now I realize that nobody else graduating got to do what I did - stand up and say everything they were feeling about an important life event that only happens once. I was welcomed back to my seat by a smiling, teary-eyed Liz whose presence on that platform with me meant more than anyone will ever understand. In the few steps to get back I realized all of the negative feelings I'd had just a few short minutes before were gone.

Last night a number of thoughts and memories tiptoed through my mind taking me to numerous people and places. Remembered emotions produced sadness with a smile. It was a calm acceptance that my twisted past is unwinding into a spectacular future if I'll let it.

The black robe worn yesterday lies over the back of a chair, suffering the same fate as my other clothes. As I look at the items piled on top of it I realize that's symbolic in a way.

Occasionally my mind flickers forward. It wonders if I'll always put stars on my ceiling and toys on my shelves. It files through boxes in my closet wondering how much of an undertaking trying to eliminate unnecessary papers and items is going to be. It questions where I'll be living and how long it will take me to work that out. It reminds itself that everything will fall into place as always.

It also tells me that all of these things are worries for another day; now is a time to relax and refocus before I move on to what comes next.

Captured At:1117

Water on the Window

I could have sworn I mentioned somewhere that I wanted rain, but I can't find where I made that remark. Regardless, I got my rainstorm today. :)

Yesterday evening found me at Derek's with a few old, familiar faces. It was strange sitting in a room of people who all knew me at different points over the last five years and realizing how out of touch with everyone I had gotten.

Iggy was visiting for the weekend. I have a picture somewhere of the two of us in the 'Shroom parking lot from February of 2000. Thinking back on it I'm not exactly sure what to make of my freshman year anymore. In some ways I'm completely different and others I don't think I've changed a bit. Iggy asked if I'd graduated and when I told him I'd been on the platform he said he didn't recognize me. I know I don't look any different, but I guess that's the last place the people who knew me back then would have expected to find me.

Gareth was there as well. It's difficult to be around him not because I'm uncomfortable, but because I simply don't know what to say. Hours of conversation have melted into a small puddle of words and gestures of acknowledgement. Sometimes I wonder if we both had unrealisitc expectations of the other and were doomed from the beginning.

I'm not sure why this bothers me. After years of getting to know people only to shoot off in separate directions I should be used to it. Sometimes I think it would be different if I was, but I'm not sure I'd be happy that way either.

That's not to say I'm sad now, just questioning as always. I'm almost cursed with this constant, overwhelming desire to understand. But hey, at least it keeps me busy, right?

Captured At:1807

Two Tiny Wings...

Another wonderful Florida day is blooming outside my window. I've a few more smiles recorded for a day begun with driving over the causeway and weather.com says this is about as hot as it's supposed to get. I love Florida. I hope I never stop saying that. :)

I've a list of things to try and accomplish today yet posting, which wasn't even on the list, seems to be getting done instead. We'll have to see how the day shakes out.

For some reason the Figment song got stuck in my head when I woke up this morning. I can't say I've heard it in years, especially since those awful people at Disney changed my ride. What they've replaced Journey into the Imagination with doesn't even compare and I still haven't forgiven them for taking away part of my childhood. :(

Derek never went on the Figment ride. I found this out after I finished randomly singing part of the song and he looked at me utterly confused. I told him it was my favorite - the books and the scary music, and they had scuba diving figments, and in space figments, and carousel's with unicorns, and all sorts of colors and lights and it was my favorite!

I know I sounded about five years old, but he smiled and said to remember the above the next time I ask him why he's still with me.

It's almost appropriate that figment would show up today. We were talking about Puff and Elliott yesterday and I informed Derek that I can talk to dragons. I explained how they're wonderful creatures, but sometimes they don't always think before they go setting things on fire. Naturally some one has to keep them under control.

I know, I'm silly, but I'm okay with that. I like being happy. :)

Captured At:1302

The wonderful thing about Monday is Monday's...

Um, no. I don't think the Tigger song can be modified here. Oh well, it was worth a try, right?

I'm currently staring at walls and a ceiling sans stars realizing how empty my room seems without them. I'm going to turn off my lights to sleep tonight and they won't be glowing at me. It's kind of sad, but I actually enjoyed taking them down. Once I stopped trying to catch them in the star they came from I was reminded I actually have decent coordination. They seemed to fall right into my hand as I used the broom handle to flick them off the white surfaces that had become their home.

What did I do with my day? I spent it catching falling stars. Not everyone gets to say that. :)

As is to be expected I'm still mentally working out this whole moving and packing thing. I find I'm far more successful if I can think things through before I attempt them. This holds true with everything. On the outside it might not look like I'm doing anything, but before I actually write, draw, clean, pack, et cetera I figure out what I'm looking to accomplish and the best way to do that. It's methodical yet has a certain element of randomness to it that is difficult to explain. Somehow it still all works out, so I think I'll stick with it.

Despite the argument that it's not possible, I'm feeling a bit blank. I feel like my mind is off somewhere else doing things independently of me. While it seems like a nice change in some ways I know eventually everything is going to come crashing into focus. I look at those last three words and feel they create a strange yet appropriate expression.

Words are funny things, especially when they pair themselves.

That's what I feel I'm doing a lot of the time - letting the words find matches on their own. I don't feel I have enough of them. I read back through entries and see redundancies I don't know how to eliminate. Liz has told me on multiple occasions that I have the gift of words and sometimes I think she may be right, yet thinking about the previous statement leads me to believe otherwise.

I wonder if I'll ever be happy with anything I do. I wonder if I'll ever be able to look at some product of my labor and believe every word I'm saying as I proudly claim it to be as wonderful as everyone else tells me it is. I can fake the ego and am quite good at that when I try to be. It's honest belief in the value of my work that needs help.

Captured At:1944

The sun has returned

Yesterday was mostly grey and overcast. Today I can see blue sky again. It's a beautiful thing.

While driving this morning I got lost watching the shadow of a bird flying above me somewhere. I didn't realize I'd stopped paying attention until I noticed the gas station on the corner telling me I'd driven right past home. Oops! I really do need to learn to control that. One day I'm going to hit somebody and I don't think, "I'm really sorry, but there was this great cloud..." is going to make my insurance company happy. It would also give Bryan one more thing to throw at me when I pick on him for hitting a parked car.

My room is falling into the disarray that comes with me living in it. Maybe I'll just throw everything into garbage bags and consider it packed...that could work. Eventually I will have to stop mentally sorting through boxes and find out what's actually in them as opposed to what I think is in them. The problem is that I think many of them contain stacks of paper that I don't want to sift through. I still don't know where my mad hatter hat is either. :(

::shakes head:: So this is what my world has become...a battle of packing versus not packing...

::laughs:: Well, it could be worse. I think I'll go wash more fish rocks. ;)

Captured At:1233

"Turns out not where, but who you're with that really matters"

How true a quote that is. I had to run a quick search through my old entries to make sure I hadn't used that as a title before. I'm not sure why it would matter if I had, but I digress.

On a sidenote, the search returned a post from a year ago as I played "What Bec Learned this semester." I haven't decided if I'm doing one of those for this one or not.

The Best of What's Around. Good song. Good message. Go Dave. :)

The strange thing about my like of the verse in the subject line is that it requires the presence of other people. Then again, the who you're with could be no one, which I think matters just as much.

I got Derek to walk across the street and spend a little bit of time on the beach with me last night. I think he was falling asleep, but that's okay. It was nice to share the stillness. There wasn't anything extraordinary or unusual about this particular trip, but it stands out at the momemt because of the calmness I felt. It was wonderful just to be in that moment - gazing upwards, watching the clouds merge, and listening to the ocean.

I wonder how many moments there are that I told myself I would always remember, but have forgotten about without knowing it. I wonder if I could pull them out of the hidden depths of my mind if I tried. Memory is a funny thing. I think it's part of what kept me awake last night.

I got to thinking about last semester and I don't think I have too much I can complain about. It was fairly easy, lacking many of the things that have damaged my semesters in the past. Then again, and probably for the best, it flew past before I noticed.

And now I'm stuck because my brain isn't functioning all that well. I guess it's time to give up on this and move to the next thing.

Captured At:1047

Losing...

I thought I was being good. I took boxes out of the closet, went through them, started throwing stuff away... I was going to have something to show for myself today; other than a silly drawing that is.

I decided to try and have fun with it. I started compling the following list of "treasures" discovered in the cleaning to move process. The list is currently as follows:

• My Open House information from November 1999 when I gave my first tour
• A map of Florida Tech that lists the Olin Buildings as "Under Construction"
• The folder from my first year as an Orientation Counselor/PPL, which included a quiz to find your procrastination quotient. Like I really needed a test to know I stall... Andrew and I were paired to lead a group that year...we had a blast... It's alway sad when good things go wrong...
• The constitution draft for Chris' attempt at a Parrothead Club
• My grades for Fall 2001, back when Florida Tech still mailed them home...
• Play-Doh!
• Barrels of Monkeys ;)
• A campus parking ticket from October 2000 back when Liz and I still had Des
• The warning I got for speeding on the way to NC for Christmas break that same year O:)
• A card from Jess
• Thai Dan's head on a $100 bill :)
• Pieces for a Blue's Clues footprint that used to be stuck to my closet door
• That stupid wreath made of twistable green reindeer. Leave it to Mom...
• The "307" that was over our neighbour's door in Campbell (thanks Nick)
• Mini M&M's inside an unopened M&M figure (Think they're still good??)
• A can of silly string...and a random piece of rope...
• My Purple Tiara! :D
• 11 random frisbees...hmm...
• An iced tea bottle cap (Big surprise :P)
• The program from Kylie's graduation last year
• Beachballs....like 5 of them...

I gave up the cleaning to pack project right around the time Liz came home. My room is a disaster area. No, I mean it. It's barely walkable.

See what I mean? And just to prove that really is in my room, I submit the following...note the beanbag chair with the white box on it is the same...

Liz came home and told me some stories from work. I was falling asleep on the futon, but she and TJ wanted to eat and watch TV so I kindly moved to the papasan.

I tipped the dish straight up because I always though that was cool when I was little, climbed into my little spaceship, curled up into a ball with one of the smaller living room pillows, and fell asleep for an hour and a half. I know, I know. I'm cute. Lazy, but cute. ;)

Captured At:2110

Hidden Treasures

And here we have a slighty accurate timeline of my cleaning to pack activities for the day:

Afternoon somtime: I'm not sure how I graduated college. I keep finding old lecture notes and worksheets with doodles, song quotes, and so on covering them. Particularly of interest to me is a piece of paper I stumbled upon that said this:

"Maybe it's better to not look behind because you won't see what it is you're afraid of
or maybe it's better to slowly turn around to see if there's a reason to fear
and when the shadow stands behind you and your heart begins to pound how long will you want to run?"

Now what the heck does that mean? Anybody? I sure don't have a clue and, honestly, I'm a bit disturbed.

Somewhere in this room is a double-ended Sharpie missing the cap on the smaller half. Not good.

805pm: Beachball count is up to 6

930pm: Remember back when they tried to impeach me from my upcoming presidency in Student Ambassadors? I just found the letter saying I was "unfit" to be president. ::rolls eyes:: People are dumb.

1008pm: The Computer Science Handbook for 1999-2000. I think that's trash now...

1032pm: Flyers saying "Come meet the new President of Florida Tech." We ambassadors got to deliver these all across campus when the first official announcement was made and were among the first students to know who was replacing Dr. Weaver.

1131pm: I'm done with my food break. Eating is not supposed to make you hungrier. Everything in our kitchen is now packed. No more food for me.

1152pm: Half of the board I broke at NACA with "Rebecca, May you find a fulfilling connection between your creative spirit and your work with electrons" written on it.

1202am: My speeding ticket from September 2001 for 39 in a 30. I was so not. And the cop was on foot when he pulled me over...it couldn't have been that bad!

1235am: The Malcode Sandbox! :)

131am: Screw it...the posters are coming down now...my room needs to look more empty...

153am: My Malcode Midterm....I actually got a point for identifying some one as "a guy whose name appeared on one of the slides." Then I lose points on the next question for "not enough detail." Um...yeah...okay...

217am: ::GASP!:: I forgot I had a bubble gun! The flamingo windchime lawn ornament is getting pitched by the way. I hope no one wanted that...

230am: Found the "Why Nick's a Dumbass" poster. Now that's when you know you've made an impression on a girl. Did I mention it was hanging up when my room was the campus showroom?

311am: Do I need the instruction book for my old video card that I haven't used in at least three years? I think not...

314am: I have far too much inflatable stuff in my room...beach balls...airplanes...that lime blimp...

403am: Anything that isn't clothes or shoes is now out of my closet. Now to figure out how to group the other random crap...

408am: Looking across the floor I don't think there's any more fun stuff to be found...End of post. Sorry. :(

Captured At: 417

"I got presents to send you..."

The other night as I drifted off to sleep I got to thinking about a conversation I'd had with a friend of mine. I haven't seen him in years and I told him that I occasionally wondered what college would have been like if he hadn't left - if I'd have done the same things, met the same, people, etc. It was strange to think that the presence or absence of one person could make that much difference, but I know it would have.

In response he recounted some of the key themes from freshman year. Apparently I'd still be doing Java homework. He also commented that we would have slept together eventually. I laughed and asked if he was serious; you never can tell with him sometimes.

But all joking aside, he said a few things that I thought were important. One statement he made was that he was glad he could still make me smile. I thought about that a little and I realized how simple and wonderful a thing that is. I couldn't decide which was a greater gift, having some one who makes you smile or seeing the smile some one else is giving you. I think in the grand scheme they probably shake out to being fairly equal.

Another important thing he said was that he thinks we'd still be close. He said that after time the true person comes out, but that he's always been himself with me. Since I've been the same way I decided his remark was probably accurate.

That, right there, is a very powerful thing. Given how I went through people in college it's huge to accept that one I'd met my first week could still have been there.

Another thing that hit me as I sat smiling at my screen was how thankful I was for the wonderful people I've had in my life. That hit even deeper as I realized I was talking about more than one person. Over the course of the years I've had many who have been there and would do anything for me. That doesn't mean I always took advantage of it, but knowing means just as much. Some people never get anyone and that thought reminded me how very lucky I am.

I think those are some of the nicest thoughts I've fallen asleep with in a while.

Captured At:1029

So much for bed...

I had planned on going to bed, but I realized I hadn't posted today and my site has been anxiously awaiting number 900. So here it is. Nothing spectacular.

Last night I found myself once again sifting through my archives. This time I read January 2004 - present. It's amazing to me how quickly that span of time went by and how little I accomplished. It's very clear I didn't have the motivation to do my work, but overall I don't think it shaped up to be that bad of a semester.

Of course there's a lot that didn't get posted. Derek and I nearly killed each other during homecoming. I was a very angry, unhappy bec at wacky wars. I still cringe at the thought of whipped cream pies and can't listen to that blasted song from the Jungle Book. I think I deleted it from my computer in some fit of rebellion. It's funny how that all shook out when Derek and I had said last year that if we ever did Homecoming we'd goof off and it would be a joke the entire time. It's too bad we lost that focus; I think it would have been a lot more enjoyable.

All in all, despite what some people want to tell me, I think I did pretty well and kept my head for most of it. While I comment on a lack of motivation toward my school work I still managed to pull up my GPA and graduate cum laude, even if they didn't tell me that until after the fact.

I mentioned doing a post on what I learned last semester, but when I thought about it I realized it would be redundant. Sure the jabs at my classes would have been amusing as they always are, but the life's lessons weren't anything new and can't be put in the traditional bulleted form.

This semester, for me, was a refresher. It summed up everything I'd learned since when I first got here. It proved that wonderful things happen when you least expect them and that, however they come about, everything really does happen for a reason.

My final year of college taught me a lot about myself. My world view, my limits and talents, my sense of self and sense of responsibility, my expectations, and so much more all refocused themselves. In five years I have come a lot closer to becoming what it is that I want to be as a person. I can see the necessity for all of the triumphs and hardships and know that they helped me get here.

That said, at the moment I can't decide whether I'm living or existing. In my usual fashion I think I'm rocking between the two hoping I'll stumble upon a happy medium. I hope I don't hurt her when I do. :P

Captured At: 020

NEWSFLASH: Bec has a style

::laughs:: Thanks to Samantha for breaking that story. :)

There are so many things that can be learned if you'll only ask. I'm not sure what prompted my question today and I can't say she told me much I hadn't heard before, but it was interesting to find out certain perspectives are shared.

I still haven't determined what the driving force was behind starting a journal that the entire world could read if they so chose. I don't know what keeps me posting now or what didn't stop me after the times I got myself in trouble. Then again, maybe it's better to not always know exactly what your motivation is. Some things should be allowed to just be without too much analysis. I can't say I'm always successful at that, but I'm trying. That has to count for something.

After getting warned about what I say and running into problems because of the opinions I've chosen to voice in the past I have tried to be more careful. Censorship became a necessity for self-preservation, and "scathing remarks about people or things" was added to the "Do Not Post" list. Yet on the reverse I've never considered that anything positive could come out of something I say.

I live in my own world in a lot of ways. I don't pay much attention to how what I say and don't say or what I do and don't do can affect the people around me. That was part of the reason I was having problems last month - I don't say the things to people that they need to hear. I'm oblivous in a sense. It's not that I'm mean, selfish, distant, inconsiderate, or any of those other negative words people use to describe me. I really just don't think; not about stuff like that.

The natural thing for some one to ask after reading that would be, "And how are you going to fix it?"

The answer: "I really don't know."

I think that's okay though. At least for now...

Captured At:1220

Turning back the pages...

I'm not sure exactly what prompted it, but I realized I had an entire case of floppys on my desk that I hadn't been through in years. Some had old physics labs and english papers. I shuddered as I saw a list of documents entitled "dbq#.doc" and remembered the joy of Mrs. Ferris' Document Based Questions assignments.

Particularly of interest to me was a disk that I remember keeping hidden. It contained files of strange dreams I'd had and late night ramblings written as I battled my conscience. It's the latter of the two that made me step back for a minute.

I read through the half dozen files I'd created from March-July 1997 and found a lot more than I thought was there. I knew that I was mentally low when I was writing all of those things, but I didn't realize how much I hated myself and my life at that time. I was lost and hopeless. I didn't trust anyone and I didn't think they could help me anyway, yet at the same time all I wanted was some one who would sit down, talk to me, and show me they genuinely cared because they wanted to.

It made me sad. It made me wish that I'd been able to step backwards in time and tell the girl writing those things that, contrary to what she believed, life had been kind to her and would continue to be so. I wanted to tell her she'd get to see the picture from an entirely different angle and that those people who genuinely cared would find her.

I had to laugh as I saw her saying she wanted to stop time so she didn't get any older and that she wanted to go back to being six again. She said so many terrible, awful things about herself, yet would turn around and write a single sentence about how she wasn't that bad.

It's twenty-one days from my twenty-third brithday and I'm turning to my fifteen/sixteen year old self for insight. I think my overall outlook has improved, but I have to wonder if in eight years all that much has really changed.

Captured At:2130

Another Month Flipped, Another Revealed

As I think of it now I was probably speeding more than usual on the way home tonight. I got a call from Liz saying Aunt Sandy had left a message that they were going to the Sandbar at Hiram's, and did we want to join them? After a quick change from sneakers to flip flops I opted not to put gas in my car and drove to Sebastian where I sent back a drink that we're fairly certain was a combination of alcohol and food coloring.

It was a beautiful night to be out. A relaxing breeze blew from the water as I watched the sun set behind structural gaps and palm trees. My thoughts danced away from me to a world where I was sitting quietly on a beach somewhere, watching the day bid its farewell, and enjoying a special kind of peace most of the world has yet to find.

When I reached the parking lot I was greeted by the moon. I've seen him a hundred times yet I still smiled back at the thin curve of light sliced into the sky. The dusk faded around him while I drove home and I continued to smile.

This time three months ago I was playing dress up at the Homecoming Dance dreading a lip sync performance I didn't want to give. Two months ago I was sitting at home after an evening that hadn't gone quite as planned unaware of what the upcoming hours held. Last month I was sitting at home procrastinating on a take home final I just couldn't get myself together enough to complete. Tonight I'm not quite sure where my time went.

Things have slowed down drastically for me over the last few weeks. I won't deny that I'm slightly bored, but I'd also be lying if I didn't say that I'm really going to miss this brief span of freedom I've had. I'm not sure I could find words to express that enough.

As usual, time moves forward despite my feelings on the matter. A new sun ascends the sky every morning, the stars return every night, and life continues around me as it should. That's just the way it has to be; I'm not really in a position to stop it.

Captured At:2225

Puzzle Break

I've paused the daily jigsaw to write this out. I don't know what I have to say or why. My mind is floating to a million different places.

Life is amazing. There's so much we're never really going to understand. So many things come our way that we never see when we're far from them, and just as many that we can't let go.

I was laying awake last night thinking backwards and I realized how many negative feelings within me have melted away. There were people I thought about that I realized I couldn't be mad at anymore. A list of negative events that used to be so clear in my mind was faded, in some places beyond legibility.

It dawned on me that, if you'll let them, the happy memories win out in the end. There was something almost peaceful about that to me. Not enough to make me fall asleep, but enough to make me smile knowing that somehow it all levels out in the end.

Captured At:1206

"What's the use in hurrying..."

Three days ago I would have told you I was leaving tonight for North Carolina. At the present moment I'm not sure that's possible. I'm in no hurry to leave; not because I don't want to see my family, but because I-95 is just so unappealing.

I'm actually very excited for Bryan. If he's not smiling when they hand him his diploma I'm sure I'll be smiling enough for both of us. In one sense I'm going to feel so old watching my "little" brother graduate high school, yet in another it's so incredible to hit these markers in the passage of time. We've all come so far and grown into good people. I become increasingly thankful that I was given a wonderful family.

Today is the 26th of May. It is one month to the day that I took my last final exam - a Spanish test that was enough to make up for a poor oral presentation and earn me an unexpected A in the class. In less than a week, exactly one month since graduation, I start the next chapter. The one question everyone has been asking me is if I'm excited. The answer is obvious.

No, I'm not. I can't say I feel one way or the other at this point. I'm going to go in there and see what this "real world" job stuff is all about. I'm going to cross my fingers and hope I inherit some of the confidence everyone else has that I can do this, and use that to do it well. I feel so unprepared. I'm not ready at all, but I have to be.

Then there's the other side that reveals itself every now and again. It hit me yesterday as I was asking my mom if she could locate X and Y because I need to bring them to NASA with me. NASA? Me? It seems impossible but it's so very real. My grandmother continues to tell everybody she knows about where I'm going and they're just as impressed as she said they would be. I'm very glad I could make them proud.

Instead of packing to leave my day will be spent mostly on catching up with people before I go. That has the potential to stretch quite late into the evening depending on who buzzes my phone and when.

I read that last paragraph and there's such a strange finality to it. I'm going home for a weekend, not for good. I'm coming back to Florida within three days of leaving to begin something that will, I hope, keep me here for a little while. There's plenty of time for anyone who wants it, just at different hours than before.

I can't decide if 1030 is early or late right now. I spent far too much time on today's jigsaw puzzle. It was an alligator. No, seriously. A real one, in the water and everything. I guess they really do pop up in unexpected places.

Captured At:1053

"Stay up and make some memories..."

The laundry I did this morning remains sprawled across my bed. Some would consider that an indication of laziness. Some would ask what prevented me from getting such a simple task taken care of.

During the course of our lives we all have a priority scale that things are measured by. The items on it shift and change as we do and are unique to each individual. It's part of what makes one person different from the next. I decided that folding/hanging laundry was very low on my scale today and I had far more important things to accomplish.

Contrary to my preferred manner of going through life I had a day that was planned out. The plan was simple and straightforward, but I got far more out of it than I expected.

I've learned that I really do miss people when I don't see them for a while. It's strange to meet up with a friend you used to greet and send on their way with hugs and see they're looking at you with the same confused expression you're surely giving them. Some people it's far easier to pick up with.

Overall I'd have to say it was a wonderful day. It was nice to see everyone I did whether I expected we'd cross paths or not, and almost as nice to remind myself that I still know how to be sociable. If you spend enough time sitting in a room by yourself you start to wonder.

The Unexpected Treat of the Day was a phone call from Kylie at a bar somewhere in the northeast. I couldn't tell you for the life of me which state she was in - probably intoxicated - but I could barely understand a word she was saying. That's probably just as well though. She said, "Hi, I'm at a bar" and I responded with "Really? I'm at the beach." Naturally she was jealous, but who wouldn't be? Other than that all I could make out was that NASA is cool, we need to talk more, she loves me, and she wants to come visit. It would be great to have her come see me again.

Interestingly enough Angela and one of her sorority sisters were on the beach not too far away from Melissa and I, saw the glow from my cellphone, and decided to give me a call. Angela informed me that I get the best drunken phone calls, citing the one voicemail where Gareth sang to me to prove her point. I haven't gotten nearly as many of those since Chris went back to Pensacola; he's another one that needs to come back again.

I was also reminded that it had been far too long since I saw Melissa. When I left her apartment complex I almost made a left turn to go back to my old place. Oops.

I leave sometime this evening for North Carolina and once I get back it's time to move forward with my life. Today, in a sense, was my last real, full day of freedom in Melbourne. It was one of friends, ice cream on the beach, and a few shooting stars. Who can complain about that?

Captured At: 216

"If it isn't one thing then it's always something else"

Given that I've been gone for several days I guess it's time for a post. There's so much I could write about that I don't quite know where to begin.

I suppose the obvious is that it was nice to go home, see my family, and watch my brother graduate high school. The ceremony was surprisingly short and I've never seen a less excited group of graduates in my life. Bryan says they were told that if they didn't follow protocol and behave in a manner fitting of the dignity of the ceremony their diplomas would be taken away. That's a load of crap if you ask me.

I spent several hours shopping so that I have appropriate attire to begin work tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect so my attitude toward the whole thing bounces between nervous and indifferent. I'm really hoping that I find myself in a place I like with people I enjoy. I'm getting encouragement and reassurance from a number of different sources, and I hope they know what they're talking about. All I can really do is wait and see I guess.

Naturally, I can't forget the joys of driving. There's a lot of open sky over the highway that always draws my attention from the road. On the way up I watched the moon set and the big dipper turn from a hanging position to one more suitable for carrying water. I learned that it's difficult to photograph the sunrise when you're driving, and that next time I should just pull over - not because I can't do both, but because bug splatters on the windshield really ruin a picture.

I spent over 16 hours in a car alone this weekend and there are so many places for the mind to dance in that time. I listened to music in my car and thought of people, places, and things from my distant and not so distant past. I tried to make some sense of where I am in my life right now, what I'm doing, and what it is I'm looking for. As I noticed the rotation of the sky I reflected on being able to watch entire segments of a day pass and how the scenery never really changes. I thought about how the moon sets the same way no matter where you are and that the same stars who guided me home were bringing me back again. It's all amazing to me. Life is so simple and yet so very complex.

I only slept for a little while when I got back because I knew that I wouldn't wake up tomorrow morning if I did. With a little less life than when I'd arrived home with the sun, I disappeared again. Liz has asked where I go when I do that and the best answer I can give is that I wander...in every way possible. Today was my last chance to do that before work and physical distance change a routine I've become very comfortable in. I knew it was coming though; nothing lasts forever and it was time.

Again I see a conflict between the simplicity and complexity of life. I think that's really been my overall theme for the last few months. I'll blame that on being faced with a transitional phase I've never had any interest in. For the most part things have been better than I'd expected, but it hasn't been enough to turn me into a foolish optimist.

While the post is complete, my brain is far from finished. My thoughts on this will continue to mix with the list of things I should and must do, a tentative schedule for getting myself where I need to be in the morning, some friendly ghosts, a few random memories, song lyrics, and the peace of a gentle wind.

Welcome to my world.

Captured At:2002