What has spots and rides on a fire truck?

I've decided that being flopped in a beanbag chair while clicking away on my laptop is far more comfortable than pretending I want to sit upright in a chair. I logged into my journaling system just now and heard my computer making noises across the room because I was accessing it. I smiled with the knowledge that I had not only triggered that, but also proved I had a small grasp on technology by setting it up. I like when things work they way they are supposed to.

Liz is very funny this afternoon. She's been in and out of my room several times like she doesn't quite know what to do with herself. TJ came over and decided it was the perfect opportunity to sprawl across her entire bed and take a nap. She was obviously tired of studying and she'd already tried to use eating as a diversion, so there was little else for her to do other than keep coming in here to talk to me. It's a good thing I can follow so many different things at once.

She was also quite funny in watching me deal with my Oreos. I got one a little too soggy and it fell into my cup, but it was somehow magnified so that when you lifted the glass up it looked like the bottom was one huge cookie. :) She was disgusted but I was very amused. I highly recommend the mint n'creme ones if you haven't tried them. They're really really good. :)

It's a good thing it's Liz's turn to go grocery shopping next. I came back with a pack of Oreos and a box of popsicles complete with jokes on the sticks. I can answer most of them even if I've never heard them before, which only makes people worry more than they usually do.

So I took a break from this for a little bit. I was tired and thought I might get a short nap in, but I ended up talking to Liz once more. She's now off getting ready to go to tonight's production sans voice. I guess it's a good thing she doesn't have a part.

It's currently 1820 and I find myself wondering where the day went. Although I showed up uncharacteristically late for my 11am I was feeling quite accomplished. Once that meeting was over the rest of the afternoon seems to have blown by. It's funny to think that five and a half hours ago I was walking out of Olin with an entire afternoon ahead of me.

I just got the strangest sense of deja vu. It's not that anything significant happened either. I wonder what makes that occur. I can't say I've done much research into the theories behind it but I'm sure the "experts" aren't very good at answering. There's so much of the human mind that's a mystery.

I think I'll break off from that topic as it could spawn a much longer chain of thoughts that wouldn't help end an already lengthy post. It's been an interesting day and I guess I have a little bit more to think about than I previously believed. This is not a new event for me. Moving on...

Captured At:1741

Being a bad influence...

Last night, for no apparent reason, I decided the juice in our refrigerator was worthy of being kissed by the rum in the cabinet. This was accompanied by the decision that playing Tetris was the ideal way to spend my Friday night.

Somewhere between sips and repeatedly restarting Level 15 it dawned on me that I probably should have left the alcohol alone. I hadn't eaten much during the day and the most recent "meal" I'd had was finishing a package of oreos at least five hours earlier. I wasn't looking to get myself schnockered and I could tell that was where I was headed if I wasn't careful.

It was around this time that Melissa called me. I informed her I had rum and she invited me to bring it over so we could hang out while she finished her program. I told her I wasn't going anywhere. It was then determined that she could upload her program, come over, code on my laptop, and we'd watch a movie or something. It was also determined that I needed to find something to eat. Good plan. Bec gets company and food. :)

Melissa watched me suck out at Tetris for a little bit before we went on a rum run. I'll say it's because I'm a little rusty and we'll leave it at that. So yes, rum run, movie starts, bec can't drink anymore, Melissa likes the vanilla/vanilla combination in her glass, movie ends, we chat, life is good.

And then Melissa says, "I never did my program. It's after midnight." Ooops. :-/

I told her she should email the teacher and tell him it's all my fault. I bribed her with rum and my company and naturally she couldn't resist. It's not exactly the best reason for forgetting, but it is the truth. I've found that I'm unintentionally a wonderful diversion that gets people sidetracked from the things they should be doing. Melissa fell victim once again.

I offered to email our instructor for her. She didn't think that would go over too well. I could see him not being entirely thrilled, but at the same time I think he's figured out that when the two of us are involved in something it was probably my doing. She can get herself into trouble on her own, but I certainly don't help.

She crashed on our futon last night and left a little while ago to go riding this morning. I'm still kind of tired. I know that if I go back to sleep I won't wake up for hours and then I'll have lost my entire day. That's simply not an option.

I suppose a shower and breakfast should be next on the list. From there it's anyone's guess...

Captured At:1133

Postlet #4-43

What I should be doing: Heading to Dorm Circle to meet people

What I am doing: Putting up a postlet

Why: Because I can. It's been a good day for no real reason at all and I'm in a silly mood. =D

Next move: Dinner with my silly friends. :)

Captured At:1713

"I thank my lucky stars..."

A few days ago I was very sad to post that I felt I had forced the beach upon myself. As a sign of how life balances out in its own strange way last night's trip to the beach was more than I ever could have asked for.

For starters, I was by myself. Generally I will not go alone, but I arrived at Derek's as he was getting ready for bed. I decided that I could walk across the street safely and know that he was a minute away if I needed him to be.

I love the way the moonlight illuminates the beach. The waves and sand take on a surreal glow that I'm always entranced by. I was originally going to stand at the top of the stairs for a few minutes and leave, but something called me to the water. I watched the sand change colors and felt my footprints grow shallow as I approached a retreating line of foam and watched another rise in its place.

Once I was as close to the waterline as I dared I turned my gaze upward at the moon for a better look. Though slightly lop-sided he seemed perfectly content to sit framed in the rainbow around him. I smiled partly because he was there and partly because it didn't seem like that much time had passed since he had been smiling at me from the west side of campus.

The night was so clear I could pick out every shade of blue sinking to the horizon and moving toward me. The strangest thoughts filled my head. I felt that if I walked forward into the waves the landscape would absorb me. I felt that if I could jump high enough I, too, would be a glowing speck looking down at the beach.

I closed my eyes. Almost instanly the ocean churned louder, the wind picked up and, for a few moments, I disappeared into my surroundings. When I opened my eyes the sky somehow seemed clearer than before. My head, for once, was still.

I looked up, shook my head, and smiled. My mind danced back to when some one had told me about laughing at the stars and I came very close to doing the same. I reached for another thought, any thought, and they all evaded me. Why did I need to think? I knew everything was going to be okay because anything that wasn't didn't matter. I smiled more.

From that moment until I left the beach only one thought materialized. All I could think was "thank you". I didn't know who or what I was thanking, but I walked back to Derek's grateful that I could see the sky, hear the ocean, feel the wind, and be alive.

Captured At:1429

"Hell nobody's perfect, woud you like to play?"

I'm proud. I remembered to go to work this morning. I asked Mike if we could write me up for being on time this week so they could see I learned from my mistake last Monday. He laughed and said he was glad to see I was in a good mood.

I decided I could handle stealing the golf cart for a few minutes to pick up a computer when I first arrived. I wish I had one of those things to drive around all the time. They're so much fun. :) Other than that there was nothing for me to do. We had four calls in the on-site queue. Three we had appointments for. The last, well, I'm not sure why it's still in there because I thought we'd already determined it was a lost cause.

Mike said to ask Dajie for something to do. Dajie asked what I wanted to do and I told him, "frolic in the quad." He was confused what that meant, so I told him I wanted to go outside and enjoy the sun and watch the clouds. Melissa was helping a student with a wireless issue so I was sent to help her. Dajie came outside a few minutes later and told me I could go home if I wanted because there really wasn't anything to do. That, or I could stick around and do nothing.

Melissa wanted me to go on site with her. I knew that probably wasn't the best idea and agreed to walk her most of the way to her call and go back to the Help Desk. I wrote up the ticket number next to both of our names and she announced she was going out on a call. We both went out the door and got half way down the sidewalk when Oscar opened it and called after us.

Oscar: "Where are you going?"
Melissa: "I have an appointment."
Oscar: "What about you?"
bec: "I'm taking a walk."
Oscar: "Oh, okay."
bec: "I'm not staying out there with her, it's okay."
Oscar: "Are you on the clock?"
bec: "Yea."
Oscar: "Okay." ::goes back inside::

::laughs:: That was a lot easier than I expected. I should get paid for taking a walk more often. I'd enjoy my job even more. :)

I'm rather bouncy today for no real reason. My knee is a little upset with me for the spectacular leap I attempted over one of the pits in the parking lot. I must have landed on it too hard, but I know it's probably not going to stop me. It's too bad everyone else has stuff to do right now. It's perfect weather for frisbee. :)

The sky out my window has cleared quite a bit. When I was driving home I was admiring this patch where it looked like one of clouds had exploded. There were these great, puffy, white trails stretching across the sky that had a very definite origin. I can't say I'd seen anything like it before.

What else...what else...um...

I suppose that means it's time to stop babbling and find something productive to do for the next hour and a half before class. I'm not sure I have anything that needs to get done so I may actually have to pay attention. I hate when that happens....:P

Captured At:1249

Alt+Tab

That is easily one of my favorite keystrokes. I wouldn't be nearly as successful at multi-tasking without it. As a warning, this post may be choppy. I'm using it as a diversion while I brainstorm the best way to finish writing my subcommittee's end of year report for Quality of Life.

I can't believe it's almost all over. I was reading through an email today and could see Friday like it's what I'll be waking up to in the morning. I wouldn't complain too much as it's easily my favorite day of the week for a variety of reasons. I decided today that, strange as it sounds, I like Monday too.

I'm very full right now. I know that seems random, especially coming from some one who usually forgets to eat, but I felt the need to share. I played "domestic goddess bec" today. If you haven't added her to your collection I would recommend you keep it that way. I now have the strangest mental image of myself in an apron and a strawberry hat. Don't ask about the hat; I have no idea.

Anyway, part of my break between work and Crypto was spent unloading and reloading the dishwasher, putting away stuff from last night that couldn't go in the dishwasher, washing more stuff that couldn't go in the dishwasher, and getting the garbage out. The break between Crypto and Malcode was a little more varied. I cut up some strawberries, got a roast ready to go in the oven (Liz and I need to play tag-team cuisine more often. It was nice to have real food.), put away the dishes I'd washed before, straightened up the living room, finally got every article from the pile of clothes that had been migrating between my bed and the beanbag chair put away, made my bed, and discovered bubbles in my closet.

Today I learned that bubbles are still lots and lots of fun. What's more, they make people smile. Watching Melissa try and eat them was interesting. I guess it just explains a lot about her. I remember freshman year when Lisa and I were using a fan to blow bubbles into our hallway. People would come around the corner and there they were. We were amused. One of the girls on the floor kept walking by and cheerfully exclaiming "bubbles!" every time.

I'm sure there were plenty of people who thought I was crazy as I walked to class tonight blowing through my yellow wand, but I can't say I really care. There's a lot of magic in that little bottle of soap if you know how to look for it.

Captured At:2224

"Requesting some enlightenment"

What an interesting day it has been. I woke up surprisingly early in a fantastic mood. I wish I could rise every day with such energy. The last eleven hours have taken some interesting twists and turns in ways I never saw coming.

Right now I'm doing a lot of thinking about people. I wonder at what point in a relationship people change from who they want you to believe they are to who they actually are and at what point you see the difference. I wonder how conversation knows to shift from trivial to educational to insightful and back again. I wonder if you can ever really know a person and what you base that belief on.

Beyond that, what makes some one a good person? Who determines that? Why does it even matter if we're good or not, especially when being one of the "good" people comes with so much heartache? Why is it that some of us go through so much torture trying to live up to this ideal when others could care less?

Too many questions, not enough answers. I know it's all going to be okay and that it's going to work out. I truly believe that and have a better grasp on that belief than ever before. I keep trying to look at the big picture and not let the random things that show up get to me, but it's so hard sometimes. And all I can ask myself is "why?". Why do I do any of this? Why do I bother with it? Am I happy because I do it? Would I be happy if I didn't? I really just don't know.

But right now I know I'm happy whether my head wants to let me remember that or not. I can still feel the happiness at my core begging me to let it burst. And I will smile and keep going because that is exactly what I do.

Captured At:1823

Disclaimer:

I try not to get myself in trouble up here anymore, but I have a feeling I'm about to make some people upset. The opinions expressed are not stated to make anyone angry. Should that happen anyway, my apologies in advance.

I recently came to the realization that I don't mention Derek in my posts nearly as much as I used to mention Nick. I'm not sure the exact reason for this although part may stem from the possiblity that the ex is still lurking. Part may also be that Derek never comes here whereas Nick stopped by regularly. Whatever the real reason, I suppose I'll take a small risk and say the following: One of my waking thoughts today was that I have a wonderful boyfriend. Why do I say this? Because he is. No other reason is needed.

I've also been thinking about last night. I've replayed things a few times because I'm trying to decide if there was something else I should have said or done. Unlike many situations I've done this for I can't come up with one change I would go back and make. My only hope is that I'm not being set up again.

It's hard when I know the answers and can't give them, but I know where my loyalties lie. That sounds terrible, almost like I'm hiding some great secret, but in truth all I'm really not saying are things that it isn't my place to say to begin with. I don't especially like being in the middle, but I think that really is my place in this instance.

I still have to laugh at the crazy notions people concoct. Maybe, in their minds, such wild stories are a twisted way of rationalizing a situation they simply don't understand. Most people get upset when they hear a rumor about themself, yet lately I seem to hear ones about me and go tell more people. I don't think it's supposed to work that way, but it wouldn't be the first time I deviated from the typical course of action.

I was told last night that whether you intend something to be one way or not, you have a problem if it's perceived that way. Therefore, I have a problem and I'm supposed to deal with it. Those were my instructions at least. I'm not quite sure exactly what it is that I'm supposed to be dealing with in this case. People see what they want to see and nothing I do is going to change that. I can not and will not alter my life because I'm doing something that doesn't look right to somebody else.

Liz says that it's easy for people to look for problems in other people's lives when they don't want to deal with their own. With how many bizarre situations I've been worked into I am inclined to agree.

I only have a few weeks left. I'm still not 100% sure what happens to me after that. It is not wrong for me to want to spend time with a friend. It is not wrong for them to want to spend time with me. You can go ahead and spin as many tales off of that as you want. It makes no difference in my world. I won't let it.

Captured At: 957

Beginning the End

I don't think a single thing happened today that I could complain about. Florida continues to grow more beautiful every day, or perhaps it has always been like this and I'm just more receptive. Despite the pen in my hand shaking more than I would have liked I don't believe Melissa and I completely bombed our presentation. My last class got out early so I took the opportunity to walk around campus and take some random pictures of happy clouds. As I said, nothing to complain about.

So why is it that I feel so incredibly deflated?

Today, for whatever reason, it became blatantly obvious to me how little time I have left. The days are going by faster than I can keep up with. Graduation is metamorphosing from a figment of my imagination into a tangible obstacle that I'm becoming unsure I want to tackle.

I remember graduating from high school with an attitude of, "good riddance, let's move on already". I approached college with a sense of adventure. I was going far away to a new place and it was going to be amazing. And it has been. It truly, truly has been. I wish I could go out into the rest of my life with that same sense of adventure because I know I have my whole life ahead of me. Yet, at the same time, I don't know that there's anything for me.

There's this very bizarre battle that goes on inside of me. One side knows that I don't fit anywhere and wonders what the point is. The other side knows that I have great, great things coming for me that I couldn't even imagine and can't wait for them to happen. As usual, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Perhaps the two sides are co-dependent.

Sometimes I worry that I'm going to encounter the wrong person who will decide I'm some weird psych case. I can't say I would blame them. I almost feel like I'm two people sometimes. I even speak of parts of myself in the third person like I'm not actually talking about me. It's detached in a way, and very strange.

Then again 'bec', as most people know her, is my creation. It's like when they interview an actor about their character in an upcoming film and he says things like, "Billy's crazy, but you learn to love him."

Nonsense. It's all nonsense. I don't even know where I'm going anymore. It's as if the thoughts are hovering just out of my brain's reach, yet somehow sliding down to my fingers and coming out on the page. I just start typing and don't even know what's going to come out. That means, without a doubt, that it's time to stop.

Captured At:2052

"I could be that
But soon you'll see that
I will never do anything."

I suppose before I get too far into this some thanks are in order. Liz and I have an Easter basket in the middle of our table. I'm assuming it came from home. Also from home this afternoon is the following lovely photograph from my brother:

I could tell it was fake, but he claims Mom freaked when she saw it. He used to randomly send me random pictures a lot more frequently. I know that doesn't sound right, but it makes sense to me and that's what important. Moving on...

I got into work today and one of my bosses asked if I was doing better. I didn't realize I'd been bad for things to have needed to get better. I closed an entire two calls during my five hour shift. Things were so slow that Jen and I sat there doing today's jigasw puzzle - it's a fun aquarium...check it out.

As it drew closer to 4pm I ended up in a conversation with the aforementioned boss about the way the world works. He said he wished he could paint me a better picture, but that he'd come to realize he couldn't change things and was now going to play the same game as everyone else.

He doesn't need to paint me pictures though. I think I've developed a fairly good grasp on the way the world works by myself. I know those games and I know I don't want to play them. I come from a rare mold and don't know how I'm supposed to get excited about going off into something that I don't agree with. It appears my travel will be on a dirt road of rocks and holes instead of the calm waters I would prefer.

My magic betrayed me this afternoon. No amount of coaxing on my part could spark it. Then again, maybe I'm really to blame.

I'm just...tired. I'm fading as I post this. I have plenty I could be doing, but I think I just need to get more comfortable where I am and let sleep take me. It's probably best.

Captured At:1914

"Friday night I'm going nowhere..."

I went to feed the dogs and ended up falling asleep. I woke to a TV that was far louder than I'd left it and a noisy cocker spaniel. Liz and TJ had returned.

Tom called saying they were on their way to see Cowboy Mouth in Orlando and that I should find some people and come up because it wouldn't be the same without me. It was at this point that Melissa beeped the call waiting and said she would love to go but she had this paper due by midnight that she was sure she could finish in an hour. I told Tom that if she could get it done we'd come up.

After sitting inside I grew bored with the JAG rerun we were watching and I decided to go for a walk. Acutally, I decided to swing, but I had a bit of a walk to get there.

I remember when I believed that if I pumped hard enough and swung high enough I would be able to touch the sky. I leaned backward as the swing rocked back and forth watching the stars move through the trees above me. The world is a much more interesting place from that angle. :)

It didn't take long before I could ignore the cars and hear the sounds of night. The water was calm and the world across the lake seemed to be at peace. I remembered being out on the that same swing one night over the summer. If I recall correctly it spawned a very nice post and the decision that the theme for my newest website design would, in fact, be "Chasing Sunset."

I was enjoying the gentle motion of the swing and the way the light from the houses was playing on the water when Melissa called. I told her I didn't think I wanted to drive to Orlando because I was content where I was. Most people would have been all for a night of partying with their friends, yet there I was turning it down to sit on a swing by a "lake" that I'm fairly certain is man made.

We got into a bizarre, yet amusing conversation on the phone which resulted in me somehow getting her to do stuff while browsing the internet that I know I couldn't do. It wasn't anything illegal, just something that turned out to be a little weird for her and impossible for me. I feel a little bad about the whole thing.

I stayed on the phone with her as I walked back to the house and told Liz I was coming home to find something to eat. She asked if I was going to be alone and told me she doesn't like how solitary I've been lately. I told her I'd spent the last half hour on the phone with Melissa, so did that count? It was only a few seconds after I walked out the door that Bryan beeped the call waiting and I sent Melissa to do her work. I wasn't about to be the bad influence for the second Friday in a row.

Bry and I ended up on the phone for somewhere between an hour and an hour and a half. It's amazing how far the two of us have come with each other in the past few years. He's a good kid and I'm glad he sees me as someone that he can talk to. I'm really looking forward to him coming down in a few weeks even if that means he'll have to take that English final he was hoping to avoid.

So all in all I can't really complain about my evening. I'm much happier for having spent it outside, on the swings, and talking to people who are important to me instead of blowing money I really shouldn't spend to watch a handful of 'friends' get drunk in Orlando. My day, which began with a burst of energy and a beautiful sunrise, can also be given a happy ending.

Thank you stars. :)

Captured At: 026

I got to play "stupid kid at the whiteboard" in crypto again today. Have I mentioned I'm the only girl in there? That means I don't just play "dumb kid at the whiteboard," I play "dumb girl at the whiteboard." That's even worse. I feel like I hold up the progress of the entire class when he pulls me up there. Today he asked if anyone wanted to do an example, no one said yes, and he handed me the red marker. Thanks a lot.

I went to his office after class to look at my last exam and I took the opportunity to ask him why he keeps doing that to me. Aside from the whiteboard stuff it seems he's always got his eye on me and delights in asking me questions when everyone else in the room goes silent. It was a bit bold, but I figure if I think I've got a bullseye on my forehead I may as well be certain it's there.

He claims the whiteboard stuff is because I write better than he does and that I ask good questions. I don't think he's paying attention to everyone else in the room who looks bored waiting for me to understand the point he's trying to get across. I hate being singled out like that. I try to make light of it but it only makes me look stupider. I hate being the dumb kid...

Captured At:2259

"Like the rain'll wash the dirt away, so will it ease your pain"

Shades of grey.

That's all I could see as I looked at the sky and walked toward the SUB. It wanted to rain. I could hear it in the trees as I felt the wind change.

I was sitting next to the panther statue when the clouds increased their drip. Most people would have run inside but I had this overwhelming desire to lay back and let the sky pour anything on me that it wanted to give away. I watched the clouds overhead and melted into my surroundings.

That's when Derek found me. As we walked toward the library he said I seemed happy. I wish that were so.

Much like the misting of the sky left me wondering if it was going to pour, I feel like I'm waiting for something. I have no idea what it is or where it's coming from. My head still hurts from yesterday like it's getting ready for the worst, sort of like when your body tenses up in preparation of getting hit. I keep hoping that I'm wrong, but I can't shake it.

I guess all I can do is wait for the wind to blow the fog away.

Captured At:1110

So that last post was pretty bleak. Well, the ending part was...the rain thing was kinda cool.

Work hated me today. It offered no encouragement and every time I was sent out on call or came back I was in a bad mood. I hate being such a bundle of negative energy.

I think in some way we do choose our own destiny. Before I left for my 4pm meeting I sent an IM to a friend of mine saying that I'd like to think the day had some redeeming quality. It's funny what you can get when you don't realize you've asked for anything.

Ken was the same wonderful, complimentary person he always is, but there was something about listening to him today that made me smile. By the time I left the alumni house the sun had come back out. I couldn't tell you if my demeanor changed because the sun returned or if the sun was more noticeable because I was in a better mood. It's funny how things work sometimes.

I think I've just managed to eat 80% of half a cheesecake. Granted it's only a small cheesecake, but still. Liz shouldn't have told me she cut into it. She's going to pull it out of the freezer next time she wants some and wonder what the heck happened to all of it.

I'm about 45 minutes away from some of the first of the lasts. My last SG e-board meeting. My last SG meeting. Saturday I have my last tour at my last Open House. It seems like just yesterday Neville was doing the voice of that silly robot we had rolling up the ramp and into the SUB. I'm so terribly bad with things ending. Maybe that's part of my problem right now - I feel all of it slipping away and I don't know how to deal with it.

I think I'm going to find something other than cheesecake to eat. Not that I'd mind more, but it's probably not the smartest move I could make. I have a feeling it's going to be a long night, so drop a message and keep me company. This invitation especially applies to people with the same work I have to do. We can whine together! It'll be fun...I promise!

I'm suddenly thinking about GUI last semester and those papers we were writing all the time. ::laughs:: It sure has been an interesting ride...

Captured At:1831

< Insert Big Grinny Face Here >

Once again I find myself wondering who it is that has decided playing with my life is amusing to them. This morning I started out indifferent. By noon I was banging my head on the desk and by 4 I was ready to rip through anyone and anything that decided to bother me. I spent the whole time dragging.

I got home and was feeling better than I'd started. I still wasn't excited about what lay ahead, but I was doing better. The day had redeemed itself a small amount and I was going to take that and be happy.

I sit in the same chair every time we have an E-board meeting - at the end of the table with my back to the window that faces the lounge area. This gives me a view directly out the window and tonight I was treated to a bright orange sky. I suppose my muted colors really were back in all their glory.

We got out of E-board a little early. I didn't want to go sit through another meeting when the sky was putting on such an incredible show. I looked at my watch and found I still had five minutes.

I took the stairs two at a time. When I reached the highest floor and looked out I was blown away. The clouds stretched across the sky like those twirling across a gaseous planet. The colors gave it a surreal enough look that you could've convinced me I was watching a completely different world.

I noticed a student with a camera a little closer to the corner than I was. I can't be sure of what he was taking pictures of, but I smiled again at the thought that some one else had come up there to appreciate the view. Perhaps all is not lost.

I came home from my meeting to an email from the Warehouse. My seat locations for the DMB show have been chosen and I'm very pleased to say I'll be in the eleventh row of the center section.

Yes, it is quite strange how things turn about. I still have much work to do tonight, but I'm beginning to think that I'll make it through and that tomorrow will be just as spectacular if I'll let it.

Captured At:2126

"She lies and says she's in love with him..."

Over a year after breaking up with Nick for the final time he came to get back his stuff tonight. Some have said that after this long what was the point? Why not just let it go and forget about it? Some decided he was an ass. Some said it was a last ditch effort to see me one more time. I just wanted it over.

Nick had originally wanted to do this last weekend, but Derek wasn't going to be around. He didn't want me to be here by myself and neither did anyone else. Nick decided I was making it difficult to get back stuff I'd had for almost three years, but there was little I could do. When we settled on Wednesday he said he'd be here between eight and nine and I asked that he send me a message and let me know when he was on the way.

Derek, in his usual promptness, was waiting outside when I got back from campus. While we waited for Nick I told him I wanted this process to be as quick as possible. Some people would have decided the release of property was the perfect opportunity to take a few final shots, make a few inappropriate or suggestive gestures, or demonstrate how overly affectionate they could be with their new significant other. I didn't want it to be like that and I didn't want there to be any potential for further verbal ammunition.

The fact remains that Nick was part of my life for almost my entire college career. Whether it was as the kid making fun of my lab partner and I in Chemistry 1 or the boyfriend everyone loved to hate, he was there. He is some one I cared about very much and that will never change. I still wish the best for him even though I know he doesn't feel the same way.

When I finished explaining this to Derek he told me that I really am a sweet girl. I hope that, when the time comes, we part on much better terms than I did with the last one.

At almost 830pm I noticed Nick's screen name was idle. I looked out the window and saw a white van pulling into the parking lot. This was it.

I opened the door, saw him and said, "Thanks for the message." He said he was sorry and mentioned something about having been on the phone that I didn't quite catch. I think he took about two steps inside before Derek started moving stuff out. He didn't set foot in the apartment again. Derek would get something out the door and hand it off to Nick and his friend somewhere between the stairs and the van and that was it. As he took the last item outside I walked out and looked over the landing to watch the last exchange. Derek returned to me and touched my side as if to indicate it was time to go back in. I couldn't tell if Nick looked up at us, but I thought he did. I turned back toward Derek, smiled as I looked at the ground, and went inside. It was done.

I decided that since there was no need for futher communication I could remove him from my buddy list. As I typed that sentence I thought about the entire group he'd had set up containing only my screen names. I wonder if it's still there. I'm sure after he reads this it won't be.

I need to add how grateful I am that Derek was here tonight. I'm not sure how I would have handled things without him. At one point this evening he asked me if he was a better boyfriend than Nick was. It was cute because he seemed kind of concerned when he said it, almost like he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the answer. I told him he was a different boyfriend than Nick had been. That's the fairest, most honest answer I can give and isn't a shot against either one of them.

So that's it I suppose; another day gone, another chapter closed, another person added to the list of those I once knew. But this is the way life goes.

Captured At: 023

Postlet #4-416

Two weeks from tomorrow. It's crazy.

I'm on the phone with home right now. My grandparents are still with my parents, so you can't call and talk to one person up there without talking to them all.

I'm talking with Grandma when my dad picks up the other phone and says he wants to talk to me before I hang up. Grandma wraps up and then passes the conversation along to him. This is a taste of just how loving my family is:

Grandma : "Okay, I'll let you talk to talk to your wonderful daughter."
Dad: "Is Liz getting on the phone?"

Well, I had to get it from somewhere I guess...

Captured At:1216

"I shall miss this thing when it all rolls by..."

Two weeks. It all goes so fast.

Last night we got 20 Ambassadors out to Makoto's for one last event. It was wonderful that so many people showed up. My one complaint is the choice of venue. Granted, any group that large is going to have problems keeping everyone involved, but we were divided in half and sat at two different tables. The other problem is that it's hard to do much of anything when everyone is eating. I wish we'd gotten more time to hang out and joke around.

I decided I needed to make use of my digital camera and go see every other person in the room and take a picture with them. I decided Melissa was most likely to go along with my crazy idea so I ran over, held up the camera and took a shot. I then informed everyone in the room that they would be subjected to the same scary picture with me that she had been. I look the same in almost all of them, but it's funny to look at everyone else's expression as they humored me. It was something different that got everyone involved, what more can you ask for in your absent social chair?

All of the departing seniors got a picture frame with their name and "Student Ambassador Alumni" engraved on it. The picture they put in mine is actually one I like and one of my favorites from recent years. Ironically enough it also came from my camera so I have the original. It's the same picture that's on my Ambassador bio.

They also gave me a final "Bec-in-a-Box" award. The card with my picture frame actually had a box drawn around my name on the envelope. It was cute.

This morning I performed my last official duty as an Ambassador at Open House. I gave my last tour, sat on my last student panel, and harassed my last group of potential students. Fortunately I'd woken up with an insane amount of energy beacause, had I not needed to exhaust the supply, I would've been really damn depressed.

I love being able to talk to the people who visit campus, make them feel welcome, answer their questions, and help them out overall. I love when my tour kids come back and remember their visit and have positive things to say about their experience. Most of all, I love knowing that I'm doing the same thing for some confused kid that some one was once kind enough to do for me.

I suppose, in a sense, that's the biggest part of it. I'm so grateful to the people who helped me and gave me a chance that the only way I can think of to pay them back is to try my best to do the same for someone else. I would hate to think I had let down those people who put me where I am.

I believe I've done pretty well. I was brought in by some of the best and some people would say that's what I am now - one of the best. I have a lot to be proud of and I'm still amazed by how far I've come. There's still a long way to go, but I'm sure I'll make it.

This afternoon was also, in part, "gang up on bec" day. I'm used to people taking shots, but I really wasn't in a mood to try and fire back. I suppose that's what happens when you're the one person familiar to everyone else in the group - you get the bullseye. Fortunately they decided it wasn't as fun if I didn't get the jokes, so I managed to stop paying attention enough that I didn't catch anything. Where was my mind? The world may never know.

The poster on my wall is very crooked from this angle. I'm not sure why that's worth noting, but that's okay.

Anyway, I made it through this weekend a lot better than I had expected. I think, aside from commencement, Wednesday is probably going to be the most difficult for me. For one, I have to turn over SG to the new e-board, officially ending my campus involvement. Organizations have been so much of my life, it's strange to think they're almost gone. I'm worried. I'm so bad with endings and I can never be sure of my reaction. I don't know if I'm going to come home glad to be done or if I'm going to come home, shut myself in my room, and mentally shut down.

In addition to that I have this lovely take-home final that I'll have about 12 hours to complete once we're finished. I'm hoping that, should my brain decide to shut down, it will be kind enough to wait until after I've finished this seemingly twisted exam that my instructor is certain I'm going to love. Either he's got a few screws loose or he missed the memo that students aren't supposed to love their tests.

::insert long pause for bec's mind to wander here::

::sigh:: Oh well.

Two weeks...

Captured At:2055

O - R - E - O

Liz went grocery shopping last night yet I still looked in the fridge just now and decided there was nothing to eat. Naturally I made the only logical call..

Screw it. I'm eating oreos. :)

So yesterday I was able to carry out my brilliant plan. Furby went to malcode. Furby made the class laugh. Dr. Ford killed Furby, which only made the class laugh more. Security stopped by to investigate. Dr. Ford requested bec come to his office after class to discuss Furby's condition. Bec worried an investigation into her murder would be next. Fortunately Furby's health returned.

There are few things as amusing as watching one of your college professors petting, talking to, and semi-cuddling with a Furby. I wish I'd had a camera. :)

The Buffett show is in two days. I'm not as excited as I'd like to be, but I'm sure once we get on the road it will be fine. I need to figure out how to get that glowstick un-wedged from my tiki torch so I can put a new one in. I'm not sure why the one from Halloween didn't have any problems and the one from Homecoming did.

I suppose it's time to stop procrastinating and get some work done. I have a few things for the POS due tomorrow. It will also make my life a lot easier if I get my oral presentation written for Spanish on Thursday. Something tells me Wednesday is not going to be the time to try and complete that.

Captured At:1208

Giving credit where credit is due

I am very pleased to say that for the second year in a row I have written the nomination for the winner of Florida Tech's Student Leader of the Year.

Laura just called and told me she was in total shock. I told her I'd nominate her for the rising star award, but I changed my mind and decided that wasn't good enough. I almost feel bad now because she has a final in an hour and has to try and control her emotions enough to not bomb a test she's worried about. I am more than confident she will do just fine.

Laura also informed me that Liz was given the Tribute to a Graduating Senior. When I got ahold of Liz she said that she'd wanted to be the one to tell me, but she was too late. She's worked very hard and I'm glad people recognize that. After all she's been through in her time here this is certainly well deserved.

It also proves the point I made to some one a week or so ago that while I may be more visible than she is, she works equally hard if not more so. I'd actually lean toward the latter on that one.

Captured At:1814

Postlet #4-423

It's really nice outside today. I discovered this when I went next door to fax some stuff to NASA. I don't think they like me anymore; we seem to be running into a lot of random communication problems.

I have been a bum all day. I'm sure that's bothered some people but I've really enjoyed doing nothing. The last few days have kind of worn me out.

The buffett show was good. My aunt and I circled several parking lots distributing beads to people. A few asked her if she wanted to earn them back like they were being original somehow. Buffett closed the show with "Changing Channels" and had Liz in tears. Derek's cellphone didn't want to stop ringing and I almost got killed by a beachball on numerous occasions. I guess that's what happens when you give inflatable things to drunk people. Oh! And he had the coolest shark thing floating around the arena for "Fins." I want one! Not that I know what I'd do with it, but it was super cool. :)

I'm not sure what happened today, but I was struck with inspiration or something. I daresay I cranked out about half of my graduation speech. Granted I still have a week in which to decide it's garbage and should be deleted instead of expanded upon, but at the moment I think I could live with it. The last few times I've had to speak Liz has been the only one who has seen the speech ahead of time, but because she's graduating I can't do that; it needs to be a surprise to her too.

Okay, so that's longer than the average postlet. I'm off to try and fax this stuff one more time.

Captured At:1518

"Sometimes I feel like I'm falling..."

I should never have woken up. I should have decided 9pm was far too late to try and get anything accomplished and fallen back to sleep. I never said I was smart.

I've spent the last several hours fighting with people in some way or another. I am stubborn. I don't like to be pushed. I don't like people telling me what I need to do when I know I'm perfectly capable of making those decisions myself.

Yes, people are doing this because they care. I know their concern is genuine and they think they're helping by telling me how depressed I am and offering their help. I just look at it and I see how much worse it could be and that I'm not as bad as they keep trying to tell me I am. I never asked them to do anything and I'm starting to think part of the problem is that they wish I would.

Yet I'm no better off for knowing this. I was forced once again to look at the monster within me and watch him escape his cage for another attack. He was as mean and cold in the things he said as the things he didn't. Once he had successfully driven everyone away he retreated back to the shadows leaving me feeling as if I was the one who'd been ripped into.

I feel defeat where I used to experience victory. This is new for me, and perhaps a sign that I have taken another important step.

I want to disappear. I want to find myself far away in a place where I can't hurt anyone or cause them to worry about me anymore. I want to get away and try to recollect myself, but there is nowhere for me to go. I have successfully alienated my closest friends so that there isn't a soul for me to run to.

I've let everyone down. I've let myself down. I should have been better and I couldn't be. I tried to take it and let it go, but some things can only build up inside of you for so long.

This is why I'm supposed to stay by myself. I only destroy the people who care about me.

Captured At:2341

"And I have been drunk now for over two weeks"

I've decided the hampster has been in the tequila. Bad hampster! No woodchips for you!

I woke up today in hyper work mode only to have Derek make a sad face at me and ask if I'd stay just a bit longer. I talked a little, we laughed a bit, and in the big picture he says he's lucky to have me. I'm not sure why I deserve that; I haven't been that wonderful as of late.

This morning finds me in much better spirits than the last few, but with work to do and a few messes to clean up. I know I wasn't myself yesterday. I could feel the fog and I remember telling myself I was off. I don't even remember most of what I yelled at Liz last night. She said she wanted a reaction so I know she'll take most of it and let it go, but Melissa is far more delicate and I know she was wounded even though she wasn't the one I was yelling at.

I think part of the reason I'm prone to withdrawing from everyone is that I'm foolish enough to believe it will protect them in some way. Sadly, it seems to hurt them just as much. It appears I can't win.

But that's still too much talk about unpleasant things. The new sun greeted me from the 10 'o clock position and is still smiling through my window. It gives me hope that the bad days have passed so that I can return to walking at the pace I'm accustomed to.

Captured At: 936

"So why would you care
To get out of this place?"

Aaaahh. Another fine day begun with dmb and high speeds over the causeway. I know one of these days I'm going to get pulled over, but it's worth it. There are some great clouds out today, many sailboats on the water, and I'm always amazed at how carelessly the birds glide next to the road. It's funny to me how convinced my friends have been that I'm depressed when I've been constantly looking around me lately and wondering how anyone could not love to be alive.

It's nearly 11am on a Sunday. I'm already awake, showered, dressed, and fed. The only complaint one could make is that my hair is still wet, but the remedy to that situation requires the use of a blow dryer. Such activity is much better left to the professionals.

Last night I walked to my car and picked up something in the air. There's a great quality to the world after the midnight hour.

I sang my way down the road smiling all the way. I thought about home and some of the early memories attached to the song that was playing. I thought about how far I've come since then and could only smile more.

I think one of the things people are quickest to forget about is that I never let myself stay down for long. I simply can't do it. I see too many little things to smile about every day that make it impossible to stay anywhere bad for too long. I have this great internal system of checks that always brings me right back where I need and want to be. It doesn't always kick in exactly when I'd like it to, but it hasn't failed me yet.

Captured At:1054

"...And what I need is all around me"

The world is playing tricks on me. It keeps switching seasons, which makes me confused as to where I actually am.

Yesterday afternoon the wind hit with a fall quality that immediately had me thinking it was time to get my racquet and hit the courts for a few hours of practice. The feeling passed just as quickly, and only added to the overall haze inside my head as I realized I was finished with my final exams. Completely finished. For good.

Last night I knew for sure it was summer. When I walked down the stairs from my apartment I could feel North Carolina. I thought of the nights I'd wander toward the lake or borrow a chair by the pool as I sat talking with an intermittent boyfriend who always seemed wonderful from 600 miles away.

In the time it took to reach Derek's I covered over 600 miles more and found myself back in New York. School was out. The air was slightly sticky, but warm and wonderful. I was exhausted from a day of splashing in the pool and riding my bike to catch an ice cream truck I heard, but never saw. The ceiling fan was on in our room, the windows were all open, and Liz and I were laying on our beds the wrong way so we could feel as much of the "cool" air as possible.

Derek commented on the clouds as we walked to the beach. I assured him they would move so we could see the stars. I lay on the blanket and tipped my head backwards to watch the nearly half moon illuminate the clouds behind us. The sky was impressive to look at upside down. I returned my gaze straight up and smiled each time I saw a star appear from behind the thick puff trying to stop its light from touching the earth. In one clearing the big dipper appeared and I smiled more. Now I didn't just have stars, I had entire constellations.

Derek told me I was right; the sky really had cleared up for us. I laughed and, in a childish yet matter of fact tone of voice, told him, "Well I control the world you know." He laughed and I only smiled bigger. :)

I noticed he was spending a lot more time looking at me than the sky or the water. Just after I concluded this, and without me saying a thing, he told me he loves watching me watch the stars - I always look so happy. Me happy is what he wanted more than anything last night.

As we crossed the street he asked what happened. What had changed to make me go from being so upset that afternoon to so bouncy at that moment? I looked at him and couldn't contain my smile as I told him, "I got exactly what I needed."

This morning I watched the sky in 3-D as I drove home. It was like some one painted bright white clouds on the side facing us that the usual ones couldn't reach. They looked so heavy and dark in comparison, but it created the most wonderful effect as they passed in front of the now blue and white canvas. The sun glowed through each layer casting a different type of light upon the world. It seemed fake, yet unquestionably real.

For as many tricks as it plays, the world is an amazingly beautiful place. Looking out over the ocean and realizing how much can't be seen makes it so large, yet shifting the eyes upward for a split second and seeing how much more there is makes it smaller than we ever could have thought.

And what a wonderful thing that is. :)

Captured At: 934

"There are millions of people in worlds of their own..."

I'm probably going to be kicking myself later for taking the time to post this, but here goes.

My mom, dad, brother, and grandparents are currently en route to Melbourne. They departed around 830 this morning and are currently in South Carolina. It's funny how one moment my mind looks at that and says, "Wow, they're almost here," and the next moment it reminds me that they've only made it through one state. They Live in North Carolina now, Bec. Finally getting past South of the Border isn't nearly as spectacular as it used to be.

I started thinking about the day and everything it held.

I thought about it from their perspective - the excitement at coming down to see us, the overwhelming pride they have because of Liz and I, the hours in the car that won't past fast enough, the drivers, the treeline that never really changes...

Liz called me this morning to proudly announce that she was done. Her tests are over and she's all set for Saturday. As usual she's worried about her grades, but she's happy. I finished my last exam on Monday and walked out with a sense of, "Well now what?" I almost wished she'd had the same. She's currently at work and I'm sure the hours will pass quickly as she anxiously awaits the arrival of relatives we haven't seen since December.

My day consists of a list of chores I don't want to do. I'm tried and apathetic. It looked like the sun wanted to be seen this morning, but now I can't find it. The skies are grey and I think I'm going to blame my mood on that. It's a shame how sad everything looks given how bright and orange the sky was last night when the sun went down.

Things are shifting on me again. I think about seeing my family tonight and why they're here and it makes my head spin. I'm not sure how the mood changed or exactly what it's metamophosed from and into. I just know it's different.

I wonder about the other people I'm graduating with on Saturday. I wonder where they are and what they're doing, when their families will be here, and if they're happy to see them. Mostly I wonder how they're feeling and if it comes anywhere close to the swirl of everything churning in my head.

Again I've just experienced a strange sense of deja vu. Some how I've been here before, once more fixing a typo I know I've already corrected. These incidents only confuse me more. In some ways I feel life is playing this huge joke on me; showing me glimpses of things that aren't as new as it wants me to believe and things too unreal and seemingly perfect to be true.

I wish I understood. I wish I knew why. I wish I could have back some sense of reality because I'm now feeling like whatever I had is completely gone. I know that doesn't make any more sense to an outside observer than it makes to me but that, in itself, is part of the problem.

I need to stop this before I set myself too far back in following the non-existant schedule I had considered creating. I have things to do, places to go, and people to see. It's time to suck it up and get moving.

Captured At:1235

Woo Hoo!

I call this my "Yay! I'm going to work for NASA!" face.
Sorry, I just had to share. :)

Captured At: 005

Postlet #4-430

First off, happy wishes for a wonderful 20th birthday go out to Melissa. :)

I'm making a very quick post before I have to run out the door again, but I wanted to at least do some kind of update.

I picked up my last FL Tech paycheck and turned in my SG office key today. I said my first real goodbye. Theo's headed home in a few hours and I don't know the next time I'll see him.

I'm excited today; the new sun saw me smiling and happy. It's a drastic improvement over a majority of yesterday. I actually feel ready, genuinely ready this time. I can't say that will carry over into tomorrow, but we shall see.

There are so many layers and colors of clouds in the sky today. It looks like it wants to rain, but the blue isn't quite ready to give up yet. Florida is spectacular. I'm so glad I'll be staying here. :)

Anyway, it's time to dash off to my graduation platform party rehersal. This time around they get to explain the process for getting in line to get my degree. :)

Captured At:1507