The purest little part...

Part I
On Sunday I ended up someplace I don't think many would expect to find me. However, after picking on Derek for his decisions, I decided the least I could do was go with him.

Mass started at 12:15. I figure we were somewhere between five and ten minutes late as they were already into the first reading. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been to church.

I always remember feeling like they could see right through me. It was like, somehow, they knew my faith was weak and I wasn't sure I believed. At times it seemed like the walls closed in around me as the people enclosed me in a circle chiding me for my hypocracy. But Sunday was different.

Instead of going back to all the bad years where I felt like an outsider who didn't belong I saw much different images. I heard the readers and remembered when my time before mass was spent in the sacristy going over my passage and verifying pronunciations one more time until the procession began. I remembered the year I was the third reader for the Passion and how much power it held when our choir walked down the isle for communion singing words I had just read. I remembered what it was like before I had so many questions and had to challenge everything some one tried to give me.

Somnolent

It seems like all I have to say these days is "I'm tired." What's more, in stating this so often I'm becomming the type of person I care very little for.

I've known people who, when you speak with them, make every moment sound like it is the worst their life has seen thus far. They have no one to blame but themself for their current state yet they feel their audience - myself or anyone who will listen to them - is supposed to know how to remedy the situation.

The truth is, I'm not looking for some one to make things better. I really just want a nap.

So what do you do when your sleep isn't restful? What do you do when every minute you spend with your eyes closed passes so quickly that, when you awaken, it seems to have had the opposite of the desired effect?

For the last few days when I've woken up, both in the morning and randomly in the middle of the night, I've had entire limbs on pins and needles. It's almost like my body is rebelling the action. I seldom look in the mirror, yet when I do I can't tell if the circles around my eyes have darkened or my face has just become pallid.

I have so little time left in this phase of my life and I want to enjoy it. It is sad to me that I'm not feeling the energy to do so. At the end of last week I wanted to go out and conquer the world. Today I want my blankets to conquer me.

Perhaps it's not my fault. Perhaps it's just the weather playing games with me again. Bring back the sun and the warmth and let's see if I'm content to remain inactive.

Captured At:2219

dis c onn e c te d

I left last night to observe a patch of dark clouds obscuring a yellow moon. I had been looking for it when I left campus earlier that night, but 8pm was far too soon to find him. I'm not sure what is is that makes the moon look so close on given nights, but I was impressed with his slightly lop-sided circumference.

As I drove over the causeway I was mesmorized by the yellow beams dancing across the river. I imagined a one-sided conversation that went along the lines of, "I'm sorry, but the moon is just so beautiful tonight. I know I should have been paying better attention, but I...I couldn't help it." From an odd outside perspective I could see my car sitting between the trees on 192 as the moonlight reflected a stern expression on the officer's face.

But the last thing I need is another speeding ticket.

I realized that I need to spend more time outside. I need to find more opportunities to leave everyone and everything behind to spend a few hours gazing upward and re-connecting with myself.

Somewhere along the way I got lost. I became too caught up in activities, responsiblities, and other people's lives. I want back the part of me that was happy. I want back the part of me that truly believed that everything was going to work itself out the way it's supposed to. Most importantly, I want back the part of me that was at peace.

Going outside in the midst of last night's downswing showed me that I'm not all that far from what it is I want to be. I just need to find someplace to make a u-turn.

Captured At:1753

It's Warm Outside!

My sun has come back to me! :D

I may find myself on the beach tonight afterall. :)

Thank you stars....

Captured At:1043

"Open up my head and let me out.."

I'm still thinking far too much. I've had countless arguments with people over the years about my tendency to bottle things up inside of me until I can't take it anymore and explode. Then, once the breakdown is complete, I move on and accumulate more things for an encore presentation. They've always said that if I would talk about things as they bother me that I would feel better.

After this week I stand firm in my position that talking gets nowhere.

Talking to people over the last week seems to have only made me feel worse. I get more things to think about and no one can understand why I'm so bothered and can't just let things go.. It doesn't help that I don't understand either. I'm trying, but it's not working.

Two of my friends commented about religion. Both made comments about finding theirs and one told me they think I need to find mine. But how am I supposed to want to find something I ran like hell away from?

When I asked that very question, the answer came back that they know I'm a spiritual person because of the way I look at the stars and the sunset. I never realized you had to be "spiritual" to appreciate the sky.

I don't really know where I'm going with any of this, but I can't say that surprises me much. Maybe it's time to just try and do some work.

Captured At:1502

Behold the Power of DMB

Sure it doesn't ring as nicely as "behold the power of cheese", but nothing really will. I was always a fan of the one cheese commercial that implied we hadn't been back to the moon because we found out it was made of dust and rocks and not the cheesy goodness we'd hoped for.

I've become sidetracked again. It happens all too easily.

Last night I found myself wondering how it was I'd gotten so lost between Friday morning and Friday night. I think I'll be going with the "blame it on the rum" theory. That's not to say I wasn't thinking before I began drinking. In fact, I think the second act was a result of the first.

I look at the above paragraph and see too many uses of the word "think." One could say I don't have a better word to use, but I believe it's because that's exactly what I do all the time. I think. Often to excess.

And I've digressed again. The point of this post was really to share, once again, that I love my DMB.

I was on dmbwallpaper.net to see if they had any new wallpapers I might be interested in grabbing. I must have clicked something wrong, becuase a wallpaper for a song I hadn't been looking for came up. I looked at the lyrics on the page and realized that the message being conveyed was exactly what I needed at that time. My mood began to improve.

This morning, as I drove home, I found myself with more DMB running through my ears. Slowly, with each note, I could feel my spirit lifting. By the time I reached my apartment I realized the bad thoughts that had consumed me for most of the weekend were beginning to lose their battle against the part of me that wants nothing more than to not care and be happy.

I'm not quite sure why this works. I don't know if it's just because of past experiences that the music brings me back to, or that it still speaks to me like nothing else can.

Whether I'm able to get Warehouse tickets or not, I've decided there's no way I can miss DMBs tour this summer. It's been over a year since I saw them last and I've been going through withdrawal.

I think I'll blame that in addition to the rum. Give me my Dave Matthews Band and life will be good. : )

Captured At:1232

::relieved sigh::

What an amazing, wonderful, beautiful day it is! I can see the sky again and it's housing lots of happy white clouds. So there are clouds and a blue sky, what makes today all that great?

Maybe it was starting with happy memories....

Early this morning, as I was still doing homework, I realized it had become St. Patrick's day again. I remembered my freshman year and Keebler's video. I thought about the pictures taken of me hanging on my door in Robert's Hall. I miss the good times.

Maybe it was trying to do something different...

I decided I wanted to go to the beach and watch the sunrise. I didn't get to sleep until almost 3 and when I finally woke up to my alarm clock it was 630. I looked out my window, admired the light orange tint to the atmosphere, and decided I wouldn't wake up enough to drive to the beach before the parts I was most hoping to catch were over. I went back to sleep, but it was some of the most restful sleep I've had in weeks.

Maybe it was stoping to adjust my focus...

I have one class that I get more and more frustrated with every time I walk in the door. We had a quiz today with little warning that I'm sure I did horrible on. I considered walking out, but I stayed until the Vanilla Coke caught up with me and I couldn't sit still any longer. I didn't want to go back to class at all, so I took my time. I left the building and sat outside for a few minutes just watching everything around me. I imagined shapes in the clouds, enjoyed the breeze, and reminded myself that it wasn't worth getting so upset over something that, three months from now, is going to be trivial. I took a deep breath and went back inside. Class moved a lot quicker after that.

Maybe it's because I'm not done yet....

I have to head to campus now because Melissa and I are going to play some bad frisbee before class. It's a bright yellow one with a happy face. How could you not love that?

Captured At:1643

"But rushing around seems what's wrong with the world."

I think it bothers Liz when I leave music going in my room all day. It's a good thing she was gone today. I forgot I'd looped my playlist last night so when I went out the door this morning the one song I'd listened to before I left kept going and going. That would be the real reason for the title of this post.

Where to start. Oh, I know! I'll start with the part where I get to come off as completely self absorbed. That's always fun... ::rolls eyes:: or not... Seriously though, I've been meaning to post these two pictures. Guess what you'll find outside of Keuper now??

And then, further up in the ambassador group...

To move on to more important things, I had lunch with Doug, Marsha, and the President today. Does anyone else out there find it odd that I referred to two by their first name and the last by their title? I never know what to call people. As usual we ate ate Coral Bay. When we walked in the hostess asked if we'd like to sit inside or outside and they all looked at me for an answer. I'm not sure why I got to make the decision, but the choice to eat outside was a good one. It was amazing out. I could watch the water and the birds and enjoy the day in a way I would have missed out on if I'd been at work. I worry my silence for most of the meal was rude, but I simply wasn't interested in dicussions of politics and health insurance.

I hate skipping work for that sort of stuff for two reasons. First, I know there are times when my absence is an inconvenience to my bosses and co-workers. Second, I really should be trying to make as much money as I can since I'll have to start paying my loans back. I hate money. I hate owing people money. I hate having to think about money as if I believe it's truly important.

Normally I would have stayed at work until five to help make up the hours that I'd missed. I couldn't bring myself to do it today. I walked to my car just after four and wished there was a balcony on the Crawford Tower that faced west. I thought about how nice the sunset must be from up there.

::sigh:: I feel like such a sap. I'm a happy sap though, so I guess I can let it slide for now.

Captured At:1823

< Insert Ripoff of Coffee Company Slogan About Waking Up Here>

The follow has been stated several times before. I could post it million times more and never be tired of saying it:

There is nothing like driving over the causeway on a beautiful Florida morning with the windows down and happy music flooding your ears. Blue sky, green trees, white clouds...

Roll down the windows. Feel the wind. Hear the music. Watch the world open up before you and let the moment bring your five senses to life. (Don't hit the car in front of you; that would kill the whole thing.)

I don't know what happens for everyone else, but an action as simple as this fills me with an incredible energy that overflows my insides and leaves the silliest, stupidest smile possible on my face. I don't think I stopped grinning the entire way home and I'm starting to do it again as I post, yet again, about how much I enjoy the little things.

Here's to hoping the day only gets better from here.

Captured At: 959

And I'm Awake...

Time at start of post: 248am.

I would love to be able to say why I'm awake right now, but I can't. I don't know the reason.

I would have to say that, for the most part, my Friday turned out to be wonderful. There is one minor issue that needs some working out, but that will have to wait until next week comes around.

Around this time last week I was at Melissa's. I had an interesting conversation with her about the idea of becoming what we wanted to be without realizing it. I recall telling her a few things that I remember telling myself when I was younger saying, "I want to be like that." Sometimes I think I'm closer to those than I ever realized.

It's an intersting idea. Could I have really determined what I was going to be like at an age when I was too young to understand what that really meant? From what she has seen, Melissa says she believes I got what I was looking for. I'm not quite sure how to feel about that. I'm beginning to think that, as usual, she is more correct than I would like to give her credit for.

In all honesty this idea frightens me. I can think of things I figured I would have that I'm not so sure I want anymore. I don't know how you change 22 years of thinking and preparation so that they'll accept a new variation of the small plan that was in place.

I would continue, but sleep has caught my eye and is begging me to give in to his advances. It's becoming increasingly difficult to resist...

Captured At: 309

::blinks eyes, gets up, stumbles around::

The first time I woke up this morning it was 830. The sunlight was leaking through my blinds and I couldn't tell if it was responsible for the uncomfortable temperature in my room or if Liz had turned off the air conditioning again. 830. What on earth was I doing awake at 830 on a Saturday?

My second awakening, which occurred exactly three hours later, was to the sound of rain. Rainy days have always been my favorite ones to sleep in. I would have enjoyed the downpour this week much more if I'd been able to sit someplace and watch it instead of run around in it. Jeans are terribly uncomfortable when they're soaked...

I flipped open the laptop to find a few people had left me "good morning" messages and Gareth had left me a smiley. It's nice to start the day feeling loved. ::grins:: I know the smiley was because of my away message. Gareth told me the other night that "The Wino and I Know" is my song because the line about the joy of the ocean always reminds him of me. I think I can handle that. If something is going to make people think of me I'd much rather it be positive.

I'm experiencing some pain in my right arm. As strange as this sounds coming from me, it's great. it's the good type of pain that comes from waking up muscles that have been dormant for far too long. Good pain. I'm not sure if that really classifies as pain then. Hmm....

While I couldn't tell you which round of sleep they took place in I had some very bizarre dreams last night. All of them were related to current, real life situations I'm encountering. They were twisted enough that I should have known I was dreaming, but I still had to shake my head a few times when I woke up to make sure none of it had really happened. I remember a drawn out scene from work that foreshadows lack of success in an upcoming interaction, being outraged at getting misquoted and slandered in the Crimson (not that I believe Laura would let that happen to me), and trying to explain to someone that for as much as I mention alcohol I'm really not a big drinker. I know dreams are influenced by subconscious thoughts but I can't say I'm happy that such things are invading my rest.

I'm reminded of lunch this week. The president was telling us on the way back to campus that the most common dream people under the age of fifty-something have is walking into an exam they hadn't studied for and finding out it was a final. He said it was never stated what the most common dream for people over that age was. "Maybe we don't dream," he commented. "That's sad," I replied.

Now...what am I going to do today?

Captured At:1246

Connect the Dots...

Today's Daily Jigsaw took an embarassing amount of time to complete this morning. It was one of those neat ones that is tinted brown and then the pieces become colorful as you connect them together. As nice an effect as it is I'm not sure it helped. I used to be so much better at doing puzzles. I used to be better at a lot of things...

I think the reason the puzzles have been taking me so long to do is that I'm going about solving them all wrong. I realize there is only one way the pieces can go together, but it's the process of making them do so that can change. I tried to do things a little different today. Maybe that's where I went wrong.

The longer I sat there trying to figure out which shade of brown represented green and which one represented blue the more my mind wandered to all of the lessons one could take from the simple act of doing a puzzle. This did not help either.

I wonder if I'm ever going to see something for what it is instead of seeing all of the things that could be hidden within it. Life would be so much simpler if I wasn't always finding these shades of gray that make things so much harder than they need to be. I know everything is not black or white, but some things have to be, right?

Captured At:1048

Postlet #4-322

There's another post coming...a longer one I think. I decided that my short break this afternoon would be better spent on powernapping as opposed to posting.

It's now that time where I realize that while most people are getting out of work I still have 3 more hours of classes to sit through. Granted this is an improvement over last semester when I would sneak into the back of my 5pm TR class and fall asleep, but it's still just not fun. I'm never signing up for a schedule like that again.

Wait a second. I don't have to sign up for classes again. There's a happy thought for the day. Y'all have fun with that. :P

Another happy thought, from Judi in admissions, came in the form of a thank you email after I sent a message to a prospective student:

"I'll miss your efficiency, not to mention your beautiful smile and hand in my candy jar!"

What can I say, she always had good candy! It's starting to set in how much I'm going to miss everyone around here.

40 Days and counting...

Captured At:1653

"Incident or accident it all depends on if you're meant to understand..."

So last night, I'd say around 10 or so, I started a post. I got part way through it and realized that I hadn't figured out how to convey the point correctly. I should have saved it as a draft so I could pick it up later, but you know what they say about hindsight.

As should come as no surprise I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm trying to grasp some understanding of people and relationships. Allow me to try to explain.

I have never been very good at making friends. I don't know whether I was too selfish to care about anyone else or just too socially inept to learn how to begin a relationship with some one, but I spent a lot of time by myself.

During my junior year of highschool somthing happened. I had a friend. I'm not sure how it came about but I now had some one that I not only talked to every day, but also went out with and saw almost every weekend. It's the only relationship from back home that I have and I don't know what I did to make it what it was because she found me. I still, to this day, do not know what it was that made her decide that the quiet girl was worth her time. Maybe she saw something in me that made her want to keep me around.

Then I came to college. I was still not outgoing in the least. Through my roommate I met a guy on our floor who I connected with for some reason. We could be sarcastic with eachother. We tossed around innuendo like it was nothing. We could stay up for hours either talking or completely goofing off. He left the school after that first year and never came back. I've seen him twice since then. Over a week ago I talked to him on IM for the first time in a while. I found myself saying things to him that I could never consider saying to anyone else. Nothing had changed.

Through my short relationship that first year I met another guy who was upset about my break up with his friend and wanted to know if I was still going to hang out with their group. I'm not sure what I did to gain his trust, but somewhere along the way I become one of his confidants. On some level I thought we got eachother. He always spoke very highly of me and made me feel like it mattered that I was around. To this day I wonder what our friendship would be like if I hadn't let him down.

The next year I spent a lot of time with another guy. I had been told for months that he was interested in me. He'd imed me once at random and we began talking. Looking back at it I guess there was something flirtatious about the way we would play off of eachother. I remember him telling me how happy he was when we finally decided to start dating. Unfortunately the relationship was not to be. I know he would have given me the world if he could but I suppose, in a way, I wanted to be able to get it for myself. I know I destroyed him every time I left.

While I was going back and forth with him I met two other guys. One became the closest friend I'd ever had. He said that there was something that told him he could trust me. We appreciated a lot of the same things and had a similar sense of humor. After over a year of pretending there was nothing more to our relationship we and I began dating. The other guy fell for me very hard. He still tells me that he doesn't understand why I passed him up and to let him know if there's anything he can do to change my mind. It's been hard for him to talk to me and I wish I knew what, within my realm of power, I could do to make him happy.

Also in here is a girl I met though one of my organizations. I don't know exactly where our bond came from but she has always been trusting of me. She says she can't lie to me even when she wants to. Our relationship is unique because she has this uncanny way of reading me and the people I interact with. She has told me of things she suspected long before they were confirmed by me or anyone else.

So what does this have to do with anything? That's simple. These people who stand out in my mind all found me. I don't know how and I don't understand why. Melissa tells me that there's something about me that just sucks people in. She says she's watched it happen and, given her gift of perception in matters bec related, I have to believe her.

So what is it about me? How do I keep hooking these people? I can't see that I've done anything, but all of a sudden there they are. They seem to become increasingly difficult to lose. This is hard for me to adjust to on those days when I want so desperately to crawl back into my shell or put my head back in the sand. I won't even begin to try and explain the bec phenomenon that appeared on campus somewhere in here.

But let's step away from being self-centered for a moment. What is it about anyone? How is it that we get along so well with some people and can never stand others? Why can we know some one for years and never really talk to them and then turn around to some one we've known hours and spill our soul?

It seems I'm always left with more questions than answers I'm afraid. I guess at some point I'm just going to have to move into acceptance that things are what they are.

Captured At:2153

"Then I look up at the sky, my mouth is open wide..."

All in all it wasn't bad for a Tuesday. John is my hero for feeding my Vanilla Coke addiction today.

I had some time to kill this evening so I went up to the third floor of the Link building to watch the sunset. There's something about watching the sky turn from light blue to orange to dark blue that puts me at ease. It was one of those moments when all seemed right with the world and I couldn't think of another thing I would have prefered doing. I think the sun felt the same way. When the bottom hit the trees it appeared to move slower, almost like it didn't want to leave. I didn't want to either.

After my meetings I sat out by the panther statue. It's a beautiful night and I hope it finally works out that I get to go to the beach. I looked at the colors of the palm trees against the sky and clouds and was amazed how a collection of colors so dark could have such a stunning effect. Again, I didn't want to leave.

As wonderful as those things are, they're even better when you can share them with some one who also appreciates what they're seeing. Many thanks to my company tonight. :)

I've had the strangest feeling lately. I was telling Melissa that I can't seem to eat anything without deciding half way through that I'm not interested in it anymore. I threw away a perfectly good box of french fries tonight. It's not normal.

Maybe I just haven't recovered from the sleep deprivation I inflicted upon myself at the end of the weekend. As I also told Melissa, I feel like I'm walking in a fog yet seeing clearer than I have in my entire life. Something just feels different. I don't know what it is. Tonight as I was taking in the world around me I started thinking about what an old soul I am. It's a strange thing to say, I know, but I almost feel like I'm looking around with the eyes of some one who has done this all before. Maybe it's not that strange. I always say I'm old and I'm probably remembering doing all of this when I first came to campus.

Anyhow, I can't come up with too much more to say. Well, I could, but I won't. I think it's jigsaw time.

Captured At:2211

"Makes me wanna makes me wanna..."

I was disappointed when I first walked out the door this morning. I could see layers of clouds through the screen when I had been hoping for a bright blue sky with a rising yellow sun. That was not to be.

When I got outside and looked toward the beach I found that all was not lost. There were breaks in the clouds over the ocean. They weren't large patches of sky, but they were enough to allow floods of light from the waking sun they were hiding to escape their cover and shine on the water below. It cast the most wondeful effect on the world.

The patches of blue sky increased as I drove over the causeway. From the waves to the flock of brids playing the water seemed alive with activity. I looked to my left and recalled the walk over the causeway I did this weekend. The thought of Melissa and Laura stopping every time I decided I needed another picture me made me smile.

Perhaps there are benefits to being up before 8am after all.

Captured At: 853

Stuck

I'm beginning to struggle for words. I'm sitting at my desk gazing into the glow of my laptop thinking that I need to post. I have nothing to say.

No, that's not really true. I suppose there are a few things worth noting.

I picked up my graduation stuff today. I can't believe I'm actually leaving this place in just over one month's time. There's an increasing part of me that wouldn't mind if I woke up tomorrow and commencement was here. That part of me would also be screwed when they had to stand up and give a speech that wasn't finished, but that's beside the point.

Tonight I walked out of my 5pm class to some of the most amazing clouds I'd seen in a long time. It was almost as if they were glowing. As my eyes soaked up the colors I caught a vibrant rainbow stretched across the entire sky. I stopped in my tracks and pointed. Melissa, her roommates, and my professor were walking out the door and stopped to look. When Melissa commented it was pretty I stuck my tongue out at her and told her that it was my rainbow. By the time I got across the street it was gone. Maybe it had been waiting for me after all. :)

When I walked out of my 630pm class it smelled like rain. I didn't think we'd been showered upon but the droplets on my windshield proved otherwise. I complain a lot about rain scented candles. I wonder when the candle companies are going to admit that they can't make scents nearly as amazing as mother nature can and give up on the whole rain candle idea. Rain does not smell like perfume. It does not smell like flowers. It smells like rain and you can't package that. Stop trying and learn to appreciate the real thing when it comes. Part of what makes the rain smell so wonderful is knowing that it just can't be duplicated.

Much like an adult exploring their parents' attic for childhood toys I found myself venturing into the dark corners of my mind tonight. The flashlight didn't work immediately and there were several cobwebs to be knocked out of the way, but the treasures I found made the journey worthwhile. I was proud that I was able to smile so much at things that usually make me mournful for simpler times. Maybe when my world quiets down a little bit I'll have the opportunity to go back and label the boxes. I'm hoping the neglect hasn't damaged them too much.

I suppose this isn't bad for some one who was trying hard to find their words at the start of it all. Sometimes I'm not sure if I post for me anymore or for the few readers I have that start asking what happened when I don't say anything for a while. When I moved to the "Chasing Sunset" design this summer I told myself that I was no longer going to use the space to post the mundane details of my days. I'm still trying to determine if I've succeeded.

Captured At: 002

When the World Melts Away

When I got in my car to head home tonight I decided it was time for a CD change. I tossed in "Under the Table and Dreaming," and skipped backwards one song. If you're not familiar with the disc #34, a mostly relaxing instrumental, is the last track.

As tends to happen when I toss in a DMB CD I let my mind wander with the notes. I looked out the window and noticed that the moon's smile has grown in the last few days. He's getting closer to that giant cheshire cat grin I love so much. That thought made me smile back.

I think I will always be amazed by the power of music. Every time I put in the disc it's like catching up with some one I haven't talked to in ages. I'm surprised it still plays with how much use it has gotten over the last eight or nine years. I think sometimes the best things to have are the ones that are well loved.

Tonight the melody made me think of my grandparents' house. I can remember nights when we'd stay over there and I'd sneak outside with my discman after everyone was asleep. It let me be by myself and spend some time gazing upwards with pleasant sounds filling my ears and universal mysteries querying my 14 year old brain. I still have the music even if I haven't found the answers to those mysteries just yet. I'm years and miles away yet I can see a full moon and the shadow of the tree. I can see stars over the mountains and feel the still of the country.

I wish I had better words. I wish I knew how to take you back there with me. I wish you could see the sky as I did and shiver at the tingle of a light wind. Mostly, I wish I could make you feel the same sensation of calm that I'm experiencing just by thinking about it.

Sometimes I think that if I could give people that feeling they'd understand. Then again, I'm just a silly child who is still trying to figure out her place in a world that she may never understand herself. I'd hate to lead everyone else in the wrong direction with me.

Captured At:2337

"I know that it comes back to me"

I have this terrible ability of working my way into the middle. There are times I think that it comes with the territory and the positions I'm in. Other times I realize that this has happened to me since before I took on so much responsibility.

I think of the lyric "savin' the world on his own" and I feel like sometimes that's what I'm trying to do. I still can't say I know when I grew a heart, but if I had the power to make things better for everyone I would.

Unfortunately I keep seeing that my involvement with people and things only seems to create problems. I suppose I should be glad that people feel they can confide in me. However, the downside is that I always end up with information that other people want. It would be easy if I could just give it to them but I think part of the reason that people confide in me to begin with is because they know that I'm loyal and can be trusted. I don't like to betray people's trust.

I have lost count of the number of times I became worked into a situation of this general nature. Granted the specifics of the situations change, but they've all left me with the same sense of not knowing how to best deal with what I've been given. I hate feeling like my silence is setting people up for a disapointment or leading them astray in some way. It can be hard to know what the right thing to do is.

So how do you determine what "the right thing" is? Perhaps I will have to reflect more on this and attempt an answer later.

Captured At: 006

"It's as common as something that nobody knows..."

For the last four and a half years I have been attending classes on a college campus unlike any other. They tell me "the jungle" spans 30 acres of land and, at one time, was home to over 100 species of plant. The Botanical Gardens, as they're officially called, once brought visitors to the nearly nameless city of Melbourne and are the current focus of a campus improvement project.

The eight or nine year old version of me would have been in heaven at a place like this. We had a forest across the street from my house in New York and there were days when I'd spend hours wandering among the trees imaginging I was in a strange place that nobody had seen before. Sadly, the version of me aged 10+ years never even took the time to see her own back yard.

I pass through the Botanical Gardens a few days a week as I go to class so I don't say this because I never went in. I say this because when I looked past the paved walkways I failed to notice the adventure.

Our annual campus clean-up this morning focused on the jungle. Somehow, even though I arrived 10 minutes late, the President's gold stick found it's way to me and I had a tool with which to explore. I took the lead down muddy pathways stepping over roots and palm fronds. The hundred other people searching the jungle seemed to disappear and I smiled to myself for a little girl who once again felt the excitement of "discovering" the world on her own.

At one point I stopped on one of the concrete bridges and got lost watching the water. The small current in the creek and how it reflected the sunlight had caught my attention. I followed the shadows of debris floating on the water as it moved downstream and my mind wandered. I thought of the laughter of young kids in a tour group last year as they chased eachother through the bushes. I thought of watching the clouds change color until it rained. I thought of how the pathways look under a full moon. I thought of how simple these things were and how much magic they held.

All that the two people I'd been following knew was that I'd stopped and was looking down into the creek. I told them I was watching the light on the water and the shadows from the things floating on top of it, and that I knew they thought I was crazy. I was told they didn't think I was crazy, but I didn't see that they understood.

After we'd given up on walking in circles to search the area for garbage we returned to the SUB Plaza where a BBQ was scheduled to begin at 11. As I talked with some of my SG E-board members I noticed a little boy not even ten feet away holding stick in his hands with a tiny snake black snake wrapped around it.

I can't say I was ever big on snakes but I watched as the creature twisted, sqirmed, came loose from the stick, and wiggled free from the boys hands. I walked toward him and watched the snake on the ground. It had worked its way into a crack in the pavement and coiled up so that it couldn't be caught despite the boy's best efforts to reclaim his treasure. Still weilding the golden stick of power I crouched down and used the blunt nail on the end to uncoil the snake a bit and work him out of the crack. Once the boy was able to pick him up again I instructed him to cover his hands so the snake couldn't get away and told him that I would take him to get a cup for it. As we walked toward the steps he commented that this was going to be his pet now, not a cobra because they were poisonous. I couldn't help but wonder what his parents were going to say and smiled to myself again.

This post is hard to conclude because it seems there's so much more that could be said. At the same time I know that what's here is already telling enough. It accomplishes everything and nothing all at once. I suppose that leaves it up to the reader to decide what they'll take away.

Some will scratch their heads at that last statement and wonder what they missed. Others will ignore it and move on. Some will think they've got it, but very few will actually understand. All I can do is laugh to myself because I know I have not done a nice thing.

Captured At:1716

Postlet #4-330

I will probably end up late to class for posting this, but I had to.

I have some terrific people in my life. Thanks to everyone who improved my outlook for Tuesday with IMs, email, etc. You're wonderful. :)

Captured At: 921

"Upon this watered one, so much do we take for granted..."

Current away message says the following:

The lyrics come from "The Song that Jane Likes" off of DMB's "Remember Two Things." I'm not quite sure what made me think of that tonight, but once I put up the message I knew it was time for another CD switch in my car. I guess I've been in a DMB sort of place lately because I keep rotating which of their discs is in my player.

My R2T disc is cracked. I'm don't know how it happened, but I've been saying for years that it will have to be replaced. Even though the first track can no longer be played I'm not sure I could ever completely part with the broken one. I purchased it at my first concert back in June of 1997, so it has an incredible amount of sentimental value. I also bought a "Crash" t-shirt that night which, ironically enough, I'm wearing right now. The white has dirtied and the colors have faded, but that's what happens when things are well loved.

Anyhow, I put in the CD and flipped to track six to get my daily dose of "The Song that Jane Likes." For those of you who don't know, Jane is Dave's sister and the song is a happy, peppy tune with semi-nonsensical lyrics. I thought about when I listened to the CD the day after that first concert and remembered that I'd found another happy song in track five. I flipped to "One Sweet World," smiled at the first few notes, and hit the repeat button.

Somewhere along Babcock Street my disposition changed. It was as if everything I needed was right there. I had my car which, to me, has always been freedom. I had my beautiful clear sky out the window. I had happy thoughts in my head and wonderful music ringing through my ears. I drove and sang and smiled and thought to myself, "This is the person I want to be all the time. Now if the world would just let me."

It's 742am on April 1. I'm realizing the difficulty with being able to save posts as a draft is that I have no idea exactly where I was going with all of this when I had to abandon it last night. It's a shame too because I was feeling almost triumphant when I began the composition.

I suppose that's really the point though, isn't it? I was stupidly happy and it felt wonderful. What more needs to be said than that?

Perhaps the miners have given up on their strike and are returning to work so that I can finish out my last month on a higher note than usual. Or maybe it's all some April Fools joke and tomorrow they'll run off again. But why waste today worrying about tomorrow?

Captured At:2306