The Oracle

Gareth was picking on me the other night because he decided that the conversation we were having sounded like something out of a Matrix flick. Apparently I was waxing philosophical a little too much for him.

The next day I took down a bunch of things from my walls. I've been collecting revelations supplied by fortune cookies for years and they were among the debris spanning the perimeter of my room. I am amazed at how many of them convey positive messages about a future I feel so much uncertainty about.

I was disturbed at how wrong some of them sound when appending "in bed" to the message. "You will always be surrounded by true friends" and "Many are attracted to your charming ways" were two such examples. There was one I chose to forget that made reference to my family being wonders, or something to that effect.

Ironically enough I managed to both rip and repair the one that said "You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems." It was a nice tape job too; you'd never notice it was split down the middle.

Then a thought occurred to me. Do they make negative fortunes? Have you ever known anyone to crack open a cookie and find a message that said "You will be doomed to a life of failure," or something along those lines? That'd make a hell of a scary movie wouldn't it - fortune's prophesying death. Do it right and some people would never eat chinese food again. Sounds like a project I might have to work on.

Captured At:1928

"Beneath the moonlit sky"

Every time I talk about the future I'm reminded why I try to avoid doing so as often as possible.

Somehow I ended up having a discussion with Laura about my unchangable visions of the future. She, too, doesn't believe I'm going to spend it alone as I insist. However I still couldn't concede to that. The more I thought about things the deeper of a funk I worked myself into.

When I got in my car to go to Derek's I tossed in my DMB Live at Red Rocks CD and cranked the volume on Seek Up. I couldn't tell you where my mind went or how I didn't become deafened by the bass pumping through my ears. I couldn't tell you how I didn't get myself into an accident or pulled over for speeding. All I can tell you is that I felt every word, every note, every beat moving through me. The sounds and words and memories swirled around my brain creating a concoction of emotions I had to drink.

Then the car stopped. The music stopped. I stopped.

When I got in the door Derek called me out to the porch to get reacquainted with a candle I'd shared some very profound moments with weeks ago. What started as sadness carried over from my previous visions began to change. I couldn't begin to explain all of what happened if I tried because there was so much said and not said. Yet somewhere between the dancing on the porch and the time spent on the beach under the moonlight I felt so incredibly loved that everything I was feeling before I left my apartment melted away.

Now, not even 24 hours later, all I can do is shake my head and smile at how lucky I am.

Captured At:1842

It is amazing outside today. I wish I'd had my camera on me when I went to class tonight; the sunset was beautiful. I've been thinking all day that I should enjoy the weather and go running. Now it's just a matter of convincing myself to get up and do it.

I had a great weekend. Friday night Derek had a bunch of his friends over to his place to do some grilling. There was much eating, some drinking, and plenty of merriment.

I'd gotten there before everyone else had and this Spanish song came over the stereo. Derek tried to teach me how to dance to it with little success. It's so hard to be a beginner and follow the steps, the music, and what he's doing all at the same time. I got to try again a little later that night and I'd like to think I did a bit better. I love watching him dance, but I need to get better real quick so he doesn't have to keep seeking out more experienced partners.

We headed toward St. Pete on Saturday. I made sure to call and wish Bryan a Happy Birthday while I was driving over. He'd probably be jealous to know that not only did Derek and I go flying when we got there, but I actually got to steer the plane. I'd never ridden right seat with him before and it was an awesome experience. We were up around 6pm, so I got some great pictures of the sunset that night.

We met up with some friends of his and ended up at his Cigar Bar that night. What an asthmatic's paradise that is. It's like walking into this giant humidor. I think my enjoyment for the night was watching how hard Wayne was trying to crack jokes to me and making sure he failed miserably. I'm sure that makes me sound evil, but I just wasn't amused. His brother, on the other hand, was really nice. I could talk with him no problem.

I slept in the next day. I worry that I'm being rude when I sleep in like that, but it was wonderful. I felt so relaxed. We made it out to Circles to catch the sunset and I found myself gazing off at the boats and the water and getting lost. I realized that while there are times I wish I was surrounded by lots of friends and had all sorts of wild adventures to tell about like Derek and his friends do, that's not me. What is me is being perfectly content sitting at a table by the water and watching the sun sink out of the sky. I wouldn't trade those moments of total peace for anything.

Ironically enough I was also thinking about how happy I am. I know I've felt a lot of unhappiness lately for no real reason, but I guess sometimes things just come together to help me refocus myself. I think that's what the end of last week was about and I'm grateful for it.

I was reminded on several occasions how lucky I am to have Derek in my life and that, while our relationship has changed, some things about us just haven't and probably never will. I remember Liz saying once that she can see him flying to whatever location I happen to be in 20 to 30 years down the road so we can sit down and have lunch or a cup of coffee and catch up.

And as all of this is running through my head sitting at that little table near the water he looks at me and says that I almost look like I'm smiling. I guess the things that make us light up on the inside really do show on the outside.

But at a moment like that, how can you not smile? You're at peace with yourself and the world around you. What could be more beautiful?

Captured At:2036

Feel the Love

Captured At:1011

Sometimes I wonder if people are all that different. We go through our ups and downs. We go through our phases where we're sure no one can have any idea what it is we're dealing with. We have moments where we triumph at being on top of the world, and then crumble when its monotonous rotation throws us off.

Despite this, I think people also tend to forget that they are not everyone else. I see so many times that someone figures what one person is going through is exactly what they've dealt with, and all this does is shift the focus off of where it really needs to be. Somewhere along the way the lesson has to be learned that it's not always about you.

I often wonder what it's like to be somebody else. Maybe it's because I want some sort of proof that I'm "normal". I know what it's like to live inside my head. I want to see what it's like to be in this constant state of war as somebody else.

I say war because, at some level, everyone is at war. We battle what we are, what people think we are, and what we want to be. We fight over what's right and what's wrong. We fight over who gets what from us and why. We battle the erasable marks of the past and the uncertainty of the future.

I wonder how many other people notice this cyclone tearing through their grey matter. I wonder how much I'm missing that some one else has caught on to. I wonder if the storm ever ceases.

I don't believe these are questions I'll ever have the answer to. I can only live my life and see the world through my own eyes. It's hard enough living as one person.

Captured At:2202