"And when she breaks down and let's you down,
I hope you know she doesn't mean you"

It's Wednesday. I feel an uncontrollable urge to state the obvious as it dawns on me that I feel as if I've been sleepwalking through the last few days. It's October. Where has the time gone?

I finally caved in, realized I'd been letting things slip too far, and had to take care of my room. The normal cleaning job just wouldn't do though. Because I have a new computer to make room for I had to completely redo everything. Before and after pictures are below. I'd like to thank Dave for the use of the desk and Melissa for helping with the whole project.

The Before

The After

Amazing the things that can happen. I've decided I need a really nice poster of a tropical island to put on the wall above my computers. There's nothing there now, but I think it could be very relaxing to be able to sit on my bed and stare at the tropics...perhaps with a drink and some Buffett...

I'm feeling very sluggish today. I'm overtired, but I don't feel like sleeping. I'm hungry but don't feel like eating. I've got lots to do but don't feel like working. My head hurts, but getting aspirin requires too much effort. I'm not sure what the problem is, but it feels almost like something's hanging there inside my skull pondering what it can make happen next.

I'm starting to feel helpless. Not hopeless, but helpless. I see all sorts of things going on around me and find I'm completely powerless. I see people who have problems and need help, but I can't help them. I see things that need to be done, but I can't do them. I hear things that need to be said, but I can't say them. I'm worried about so many people and so many things, it's no wonder I'm so blech today.

I feel like I've done a lot of hurting people lately. I'm really starting to believe there's a curse on anyone who cares about me that all I'm ever going to bring them is pain. It's a terrible thought, I know, but it seems like as long as I'm in the picture they're never going to win.

And that's the worst part of all of it. I can't even feel like this because of me. I can't walk around going "I'm in a bad mood becuase my life sucks." Dajie made a crack at me today for being a wreck and then said something along the lines of, "and now she's feeling sorry for herself too." But I'm not feeling sorry for myself.

Before I left work today Mike said the he knows I have a lot to do and that if I need to take off Friday or something it was okay. He's pretty good at looking out for us like that. My initial reaction is that I can't do that. It'd be almost like admitting defeat. My next reaction is that I know I'm fine and maybe if I just make an effort to get another hour of sleep tonight it will be better. My next thought is how great it would be to actually have my Friday off like I'd originally had it scheduled.

So to all my concerned friends out there, I really am okay. I am going to make it and do a damn good job of it like always. Everyone has off days and I really think that today, for me, is one of them.

Captured At:1459

Funiculi Funicula!

I'm not sure what prompted the most recent download, but sometimes when you get a tune in your head there's not much that will get rid of it except playing it. I think I would've rather found it as an instrumental, but I'll live with what I've got.

Last night I decided that the sky is the most amazing thing ever. Derek invited Dave, Adam, Andy, and guests to his place to cook out last night and I decided I'd reward myself for being done with my take-home test by joining them.

The moon was full a few days ago. As I drove out to the beach I found it covered amost entirely by clouds. It was hanging in a position over the ocean where it was still a deep red-orange color. The outline it left made the clouds look like they were on fire. It was eerie and beautiful.

We went out to the beach later that night when the clouds had cleared out some. The moon illuminated the coastline casting rays that seemed to dance and laugh with the water. The ocean made its presence known with waves whose power could be seen and heard as they beat against the shore.

My friends took their shoes off and walked closer to the water. I stood back a little watching them splash around and wished I had a camera. There was something so simple and so beautiful about their silhouettes against the horizon. I made an effort to commit the scene to memory before joining them. It's nights like that which I will miss the most when I go.

Not too long after I walked up and joined them, Derek pulled me over and started singing "The Wino and I Know." I had to help him out with some of the lyrics and we got to the part that goes , "and the wino and I know the joy of the ocean" a little early. My overwhelming feeling that all was right with the world continued.

Not too long after, Derek put his hat on me, gave me some stuff from his pockets and as he said, "I've always wanted to do this," began preparing himself for what was undoubtably a dip in the ocean. I watched him run down the beach to confront the water while Dave stood next to me going, "Your boyfriend is an idiot." I looked at him and said, "No. I think it's wonderful."

I think even better than being happy myself is getting to see the people I care about in those rare moments when they're inspired to do something they've always wanted and enjoy something for no reason other than the fact that it's there.

Stop and smell the roses? Yea, I do that. And I try to encourage other people to all the time.

Liz and I were talking to one of the trustees the other night about life and his success. We asked if he'd do anything differently and he said the only thing he would change is that he would stop every once and a while to enjoy the journey. He'd appreciate the stage he was at while he was there instead of looking back and remembering how good it was.

I remember standing there listening to him and thinking that he had just shared this amazing piece of wisdom that was all too true when it dawned on me that, at that moment, I was someplace I had never imagined. I realized I should be proud of myself for what I've been able to accomplish and enjoy where I am rather than try to downplay it or focus my direction elsewhere.

I feel so at peace right now. I'm not sure what else I could possibly want and that scares me. It's always when you think everything is going right that things tend to creep up, but foolish fear can't even get the best of me right now. So for the time being I'm still going to walk around smiling on the outside, grinning like a fool on the inside, and doing it all the best that I know how.

Captured At:1727