The Music in my Soul

I've been driving around sunny Florida for a few days now listening to a lot of Buffett. I wish I knew what it was about blue skies, white clouds, driving with the windows down to feel the heat while keeping the air on so it's not too hot, and a little "Love and Luck," "Cheeseburger in Paradise," or "Desperation Samba" coming through the speakers. It's like all is right with the world.

The weather is here. That's all I have to say.

Then of course you have my other boys. A little "Two Step" will do ya good. I think Derek was getting a tiny kick out of the extra bounciness in bec as she was tapping along. A little "Grey Street" never hurt either.

I've been in a really good mood the last few days and I like that. I'm not worried or intimidated or scared like I was a week or so ago. Once I can conquer my inability to pay attention in a lecture that believes reading slides to a group of students is the most effective way to teach them, I should be okay on all sides.

It's a beautiful thing. :)

Captured At:1303

"But the truly great moments survive..."

I'll be kicking myself for this tomorrow, but that's okay.

Melissa and I took Bryan down to the beach tonight. We sat close to the water, analyzed the shape of clouds, and saw a handful of shooting stars. It was a beautiful night to gaze into the horizon or the infinity of space. You couldn't go wrong with either one.

At some point on the beach everything started to fall into place. Since then I keep flashing back to a million and one happy memories I've accumulated. I realized the stress I'm starting to feel already needs to take a vacation because all it's doing is wasting my valuable time.

Two weeks from now what am I going to remember? Will I focus on the fact that I didn't want to do my project, or that I got to spend a few hours on the beach with my brother?

I'd like to think the trip will stand out.

Fadi randomly dropped by here earlier today. I remember when he used to come up two floors to visit Lisa and I back when we all lived in Roberts. Somehow I ended up digging through pictures of college events gone by. Not only did it reinforce my belief that I need to scrapbook it all, but it gave me some fun stuff to look back at.

I'm so lucky to be who and where I am. It's incredible to think of the things I've done and to wonder about what I have left to do.

My parents have one more day to enjoy Florida. Their visit was a little too short in my opinion, but I guess that's how Mom was feeling when we stopped home back in May.

I think the coolest thing about all of it was that several of our friends got to meet them or see them again. Given that we're good kids one would expect we have great parents; and we do. Melissa came home after a few hours at the house and put up an away message proclaiming "bec and liz's family is cool." As Derek and I walked out the next night he told me that I'm cute with my family. Kylie always liked my parents too.

Then again, everyone liked my mom and dad. I never gave much thought to what our family dynamic looked like from the outside, but standing where I am I'd have to say that's one more reason I'm lucky.

Unlucky is having an 8am shift at work. Like I said when I started, I'll be kicking myself tomorrow.

Captured At: 250

Triggers

It's fairly common knowledge that I have a difficult time staying attentive in a class that relies entirely on PowerPoint presentations to convey the day's message. Today's 75 minutes in Database Systems was no different.

But unlike most lectures, today's wasn't spent scribbling boxes or using my pen to sing lyrics to a deaf page.

What makes up a database? This is what he was discussing a little today, and he mentioned something about card catalogs.

Immediately I was in the Pashley Library. I could see the shelves, tables, cubbies. I could see the light wood of the catalog drawers, smell the books, hear the quiet that can only come from young children trying to be on their best behaviour...

The whole room came back to life. Encyclopedias. Footstools. The titles of books that frequently found their way back to my house...

We used to love the library on our birthday. We'd bring cupcakes for the class during snacktime and share the leftovers with our favorite teachers and administrators. You always got to bring a friend to help you carry the sugar-scented box or pan around the school. The library ladies always gave us bookmarks and stickers when we'd stop in and were usually the first place we'd visit.

Thinking of it now I can only imagine how small the desks and chairs must be Instead of being feet from touching the top shelves I probably come within inches.

The library was always the easiest place to have a fire drill from. I wonder if they still do those...

I'm going out the door with my class. From there the school and playground open up before me. It's like I'm home.

With two words I've cut fourteen years off my age.

Databases?

Yea, that's nice and all, but when's snacktime?

Captured At:1942

From 9.4.3

It's not good orange juice. I can't say I ever thought it was, but for some reason I still go back on occasion and drink it. Why is it that some one will taste something, go "Ew! That's Gross!" and then tell other people to try it. People are dumb like that and today, as I downed a bottle of a known nasty substance, I was no exception to the rule.

I finally broke down and bought new sneakers last night. It's comforting to know Ansku, runner extraordinaire, always swore by her Asics but I still feel a little bad I abandoned New Balance. They've always been good to me, but I suppose change is good.

I rememeber what a big deal buying new shoes was as a little kid. We'd go to the shoe store where they'd measure our feet so we could boast about how much we'd grown. If we were lucky, once we found the most awesomest shoes in the world we'd get to wear them out of the store.

I don't know what it is, but to kids new shoes have magic powers. They become convinced they can run faster and jump higher just because of what's on their feet. They have something new and amazing and it makes them feel all-powerful because, somehow, the coolenss of the shoes flows through them making them just as awesome.

New things have a way of doing that. After months or years under construction a new building becomes the crown jewel of the town that made it possible. New clothes bring a new sense of confidence to the wearer. New toys give the owner a sense of power as they're envied by those who aren't lucky enough to have the latest game or gizmo. People in new relationships carry this extra glow that becomes particularly apparent when speaking of the other.

In time, these things fade. The novelty wears off and we go looking for the next thing that will make us feel unique and empowered.

On one hand it's a terribly disturbing thought. Are we cursed? Are we greedy? Are we doomed to never be fully satisfied? Will the quest for the new ever stop?

Ah, but does "new" ever really replace "old?"

Is there anything better than an old, comfortable pair of shoes? How about an over/undersized faded t-shirt or a matted teddy bear? Can anything really compare to time with an old friend?

So which is better? The shine of the new or the familiarity of the old?

Captured At:1829

Holding On

I ask for your forgiveness in adavance should what appears here not make an ounce of sense. Over the last few days there were so many beautiful things I wanted to write and couldn't find the time for. Now that I have it I'm so out of it that I'm not sure anything would turn out the way I wish it would.

Having seen glimpses of the sunrise the last few days has been wonderful. There's something about watching the arrival of a new day that's so refreshing. The night has potential to become blinding, as do we with each day we live. Watching the darkness melt out of the sky is one of those things that should remind you how lucky you are to be alive.

I'm currently going on about two hours of sleep in the last forty hours. I was up all night finishing a project that's due by midnight tonight. I'm very proud of myself for getting it completed, but my body isn't so happy with me. I know I should be asleep right now and I know it wouldn't take much effort for me to become comatose, but something is keeping me up.

All I can think right now is "Everlasting Moon." I can't believe I lost that file and it's taken this long to go looking for a replacement. It's kind of an obscure one, so I hope I can get it back.

That random tangent is brough to you by the amazing full moon we have outside tonight - the kind that spills the most beautiful reflections of light across the ocean. I think waves. I think calm breeze. I think peace.

It's a bit frustrating because all I really wanted to do since I'm free tonight is spend a little time on the beach recollecting myself. However, all of my friends are either not as lucky as I am to have their work done for the week or were up far too late last night themselves. I won't go alone.

At the same time, it's almost better. While it's only Wednesday there are so many things running around inside of me right now that whoever I was with would get a whole lot more than I know they need right now. Everyone is so yucky at the moment and I hate it that I can't do anything to make it better.

Carlos' birthday is this weekend and he said he wanted me to go to Orlando with everyone, but I'm not sure I can handle that after the week I've had. I'm slowly seeing what my life is going to be for the rest of the semester and I'm not enjoying it. My only comfort lies in the fact that my spring semester should be much easier and I'll be able to enjoy my last few months in college.

I'm in quite a daze right now. I'm spitting all of this out and I don't know what I'm saying. It's almost like I'm drunk. Note to self...sleep deprivation produces simliar effects to alcohol and costs nothing...

Captured At:2231

Hola Mr. Pineapple

Liz and I finally got to walmart early this week. We hadn't been in almost a month, so food had become a necessity.

Do you ever feel like you're eating the same damn thing over and over and over again? Maybe it's because I don't usually have time to cook, but I never want to eat because nothing ever sounds appetizing.

We start our journey into the world of cabinet fillers at the back of the store and work our way up. The fruits and veggies, which is always our last stop, tend to make up the largest food group representation in the cart.

We're at the point where they don't even look appetizing. We always have lettuce, carrots, broccoli, and bananas. It's throwing some variety in there that's hard.

Kiwi's were a quarter each. I figured why not. I also decided I wanted a pineapple. Liz found this very bizarre. She kept telling me, "I can't believe you bought a pineapple."

It sat on the counter for a week until I finally cut it this morning. What a prodution that was. Imagine me, freshly woken up by an annoying telemarketer, stumbling into the kitchen and deciding it's time to cut into that sucker. Now remind yourself that interesting things have been known to happen when I get into the kitchen.

Did I mention I've never cut a pineapple before?

I knew the top and the bottom had to be cut off. I knew the core was not edible and, after hitting it several times with a knife, I know why. I did, however, find a site on the internet that said that if you can cut through it the pieces make great swizzle sticks for drinks.

I started slicing around the pinapple to get the skin off. There were still these brown divits in the yellow part. I later learned these are called "eyes." There were directions as to how one should remove them, but they confused me. I created my own method - cut around the pineapple again, going just deep enough to cut them off.

The thing smelled great. All I had to do was remove the core. But what was that sound? It was as if something was dripping, but I hadn't turned on the sink.

Then I noticed the puddle on the counter and the juice trickling down to the floor. I can only imagine what wiseass comments I would've heard had there been an audience.

Removing the core gave me all sorts of problems too. I couldn't cut straight down around it for some reason, so the knife was coming out the end at all sorts of odd angles. Somehow the whole pineapple broke into pieces. The core was a lot easier to remove then, but the rest of the pineapple looked like a complete mess.

Despite the hassle, it was really tasty. :)

Hopefully next time bec meets pineapple I won't be quite as inept in the matter.

Captured At:1306

"I am exhausted from living up to your expectations."

There is a list of things in life that I wish I understood. I believe this holds true for most people. Tonight, in my quest for understanding, I find myself trying to figure out expectations. I've determined they fall into three categories:

1) Your expectations of yourself
2) Your expectations of other people
3) Other people's expectations of you

At the core, I believe that the only person you have to answer to is yourself. This makes the things you expect from yourself incredibly important. However, I'm not sure where they come from. Maybe it's how we grow up. Maybe it's what we admire in people. Maybe it's trying to become what we believe a person should be. I have always been far harder on myself than anyone else. I mean this both in the sense of not being as hard on other people and them not being able to be harder on me.

Expectations of people are tricky. I try not to have too many, but sometimes I realize I have more than I believe. If I didn't have them I don't think I'd find myself hurt, upset, or disappointed quite so often. It's important not to expect more of a person than you know they're capable of giving, and it can sting like mad when you do anyway and they fail. As a leader I think one of the hardest things to learn is that you have to give people room to do things on their own, even if it means they don't get it done. There are always going to be people in a group who slack and it's something you have to live with.

Other people expecting things of you is very difficult. I don't like feeling I've let people down. I don't like feeling I've done things wrong. I don't like feeling I've screwed up. Sometimes it's hard to determine whose expectations, from the outside, are the ones that really matter.

I am in a very difficult position right now. I am pushing myself harder than I ever have before. I want to believe I can make it, but I fear what happens if I can't. People are expecting a lot from me. Some do so because I have a job to do for them. They need me to come through. Some do so because of how they perceive me. Sometimes I wonder if people think a lot more of me than I deserve. I am also trying very hard not to expect more from people than is possible, both organizationally, educationally, and personally.

I wonder why I chose this path sometimes. I wonder why I expect so much from myself and can't let things go. Sometimes I lay awake at night with scenes rolling through my head of all the dumb things I've said and done. I wish I knew how to leave that behind me.

I remember the last time I was disappointed with myself. It was several months ago, but thinking of it now stings like it did at that time. I remember how many times I told people "I expected more of myself." They were always quick to tell me that people make mistakes and to let it go. Sometimes I wonder if my life would be easier without that one slip up.

I'm very bad at thinking long term, but lately I find myself wishing that I could gaze into the future and know that I did things right. Or at least most of them.

I don't need to know exactly what's going to happen. The course of life is better left as a secret because, if we knew the plan the whole time, we'd be likely to screw it up.

I just want to know that everything really does become okay in the end. I want to know that when all is said and done with, I'm going to be happy. I want to know that I can come out on top in a world where I frequently ask, "When do I get to win?"

I was sitting out on the beach with Derek last night. Part way through our stay we moved the blanket closer to the water to get a better look at the waves. With a hurricane headed our way the ocean is displaying its power more than ever. Anyhow, I found myself looking into the horizon and all I could think was, "I'm just so lucky."

The beach really is the best therapy I have. Derek commented about how we used to go out there all the time. I have to admit I miss that. I was so much happier back when I could take a few hours of my night several days a week and spend it out there.

Last night this whirlwind of expectations disappeared. I felt so much at peace. It was as if everything that I really needed was right there. I felt more awake than I had for a week.

I wish I could capture that more often.

Captured At:2017

"Seven oceans pummel the shores of the sea"

Sometimes, when you go to the beach late at night, you'll see bright lights out on the water. I don't know what kind of ships they are or who's in them, but they're as much a part of the landscape as the sand and the stars.

Sometimes, when I'm watching the ships on the horizon, I wonder about them. I wonder where they're going. I wonder who's inside. I wonder if maybe they're standing out there looking back at the beach and pondering the existence of people staring back at them.

I wonder what it's like to be out in the middle of the ocean with nothing too look at except the water and the sky. It must be amazing.

Earlier this week I found myself missing fall. I had the sudden urge to go apple picking and jump into a pile of leaves. It had gotten really windy for a few days because of the hurricane. Maybe that's what brought it to mind.

I can't explain the joy of jumping into a pile of leaves to some one who never got to do it. It's one of the simple pleasures in life that you either understand or you don't.

I'm beginning to think that I need to schedule more time to enjoy those simple pleasures. It's sad to see that in writing, but it's the truth. The fact of the matter is, I'm doing a very good job at getting done what I need to. I'm doing a very good job of being there for everyone else that needs me. I'm doing a very bad job of doing things for me.

I was telling a friend today that I need to run off to some little place in the tropics where no one knows me so I can relax a little. I miss the summer so much. I miss being able to not worry about much of anything. I miss feeling like life didn't get much better than it was at the time.

It bothers me to know that I have people worried. I knew I was in for a long semester, but I never imagined the toll it was going to take on everyone around me. I'll be lucky to have anyone left by the time it's done with.

It's funny how often, as of late, people have told me that they don't deserve me. They say I'm far better of a person than they should have in their life. I hope one day I see the same things in me that my friends do.

I've been listening to Dave's solo cd since somebody sent it to me last week. I'm liking it a lot. It's reconfirmed that I am, in fact, an addict. Others have commented it's depressing, but there are all these little things within it that make me smile all big and goofy. There are so few things that make me do that so openly.

Somewhere in here it got really late. I think that means it's crash time.

Captured At: 045