"And let me take a long last look before we say goodbye..."

I'm in the middle of an interesting conversation with my brother and felt the need to post.

I was expressing my joy at having sifted through a stack of papers I haven't touched in months. During this process I realized that if I don't manage my junk better and clean out what's there, moving out of this place is going to be even more of a hassle.

This of course jumped me over the months of August through May to my life post-graduation.

Me. Leaving.

I'm not prepared for it. I know it's going to happen. I suppose that's what the next nine months are about - getting ready.

I think about all the things I'm going to miss. The people, the landscape, the climate, the constant on-the-go that is my life during a semester...

I wonder where I'll end up. I wonder what will happen to the relationships I have now. I wonder what I'll be doing. I wonder if I'll be happy. I wonder who and what I'll miss the most.

And the more I think about all of this the sadder I become. I see packed cars and difficult good-byes. I feel this squeezing yet pulling feeling inside of me similar to the one I get when I'm trying to deal with the loss of something important to me or to suppress a sad memory.

I've never been good with change. I have the hardest time letting go.

"Gotta grow up sometime, Kiddo," he says to me.

God I wish that wasn't so difficult...

_{Post Playlist:
Gary Allen - Smoke Rings in the Dark
Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
Ari Hest - When Everything Seems Wrong
Howie Day - Sorry So Sorry
Don Henley - End of the Innocence}

Captured At: 237

I found myself desperately wishing I had my camera several times over the last few days.

It's amazing to me how many different blues the sky can be. There had to be at least five or six the day before yesterday. Then there was last night. After a trip to Wal-Mart and a stop at the apartment Liz and I drove to the house for the last time. It was almost 8pm.

Straight ahead a cluster of thickly layered clouds had been turned purple by the setting sun. The sky made a very soft progression from pink to purple.

To the right, the sky was a combination of light blue and almost white highlights that looked almost like sunrise.

To the left, the sky was burning. There was a vibrant, almost electrifying orange that blended up into the aforementioned purple clouds.

I couldn't decide which section had me more captivated. I told Liz that I live on the wrong coast. I couldn't help but wonder how magnificent the close of that day looked over the water.

And where was my camera? Sitting in the apartment we'd just left.

_{Post Playlist
Howie Day - Bunnies
Jimmy Buffett - Biloxi
Dispatch - Past the Falls}

Captured At:2008

"You need to update," they say to me. "Why aren't you posting anything?" they ask. It's not a flock, just a few people who seem to get some enjoyment from reading what I have to say on a semi-regular basis. Plus, I have this great new layout, so why not use it, right?

When I redesigned the site I decided not to include a counter. I'd been tracking hits on the last one, but the more I thought about it the more I came to the conclusion that by constantly checking if people were coming I had lost sight of why it was I had a site to begin with. I did this for me because I enjoy it. If others get something out of it too, that's great.

I was thinking about how much trouble I've brought upon myself in the past by posting on a regular basis. I think I've decided that people forget I'm human too and have a variety of emotions that need to be addressed in one manner or another. Again, I don't do this to take shots or to cause problems. It's not about anyone but me.

Sure it's a tad selfish, but it's my site, right?

Honestly, I haven't had much to post about in the last few days. When I was redesigning I told myself that I needed to make a more conscious effort to post pleasant things that are worth sharing, not complaints about everything I feel is wrong. It's a step toward self improvement in a way.

I have plenty to be happy about. Dave's getting situated over in his apartment. Every time I go from his door to mine I get this strange feeling of being in the dorms again. I remember how many times I flipped between Keebler's room and the one I shared with Lisa during freshman year. Maybe having a friend that close again will do me some good.

Derek also came to town for a day. He was supposed to work until early next week, but he had some time off and decided a trip to lovely Melbourne was in order. It was completely random, but that's one of the things I liked the most about it. That, and getting to see him sooner than I expected between the two of us being out of town at different times. The more I think about it the more I realize he'll probably be the most difficult person to leave next year.

Also on the upside, my aunt and uncle think we did a great job with the house. The pool saga came to a screeching halt the day before they came home when we broke the chlorine feeder. Not a pleasant day, but we're still great and they want to reimburse us for anything we paid for.

I've got work study all set for next year. We're going to plow through my money in the first semester and then they're going to put me on college roll for the second one. I'll be starting during Orientation week. Melissa said they can't wait to get me in there, which is both encouraging and intimidating at the same time.

Lastly, we're renaming the new dorms here in honor of the astronauts that died in the Columbia tragedy back in February. I got a letter last week inviting me to speak at the dedication. It's an incredible thing for the school and for me, but I'm so nervous. There are some things you just can't screw up.

Yet, despite all of this, I've been feeling really out of it for about a few days now. I don't have much motivation. I don't really care much about anything. It's as if all the good and all the bad come together in this giant dust ball and blow right past me.

I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon for a conference the school is sending me to. I've been trying to be objective about the whole thing but, given my current state of mind, the enthusiasm is even harder to muster up than before. I'll be gone until Thursday afternoon so expect a quiet website between now and then.

I'm not sure where the whole concept came from, but somewhere along the way I started a little self improvement. For example, I noticed I'm more careful with conversation, both verbal and over IM. I'm more obsessive over my spelling than usual, I'm using "gonna" and "dunno" a little less, and I'm watching the swearing. Granted I don't think my mouth was ever overly filthy, but that's okay. There are better ways to express yourself and, with the exception of driving, I think I'm doing okay at it.

While they're not much to boast about at the moment, I've been working to kick my oldest habit of biting my nails. It's been an ongoing battle since the summer began, but I've made a lot of progress. I even picked up a nail file while I was at Walmart tonight. I can't say I've ever owned one of those before.

I'm on this kick of cleaning/rearranging/redoing things. I attacked the carpet the other day, moved some things in the apartment, and keep looking at what else is around that I can change. I like organization a lot more than the chaos I usually live in and for some reason nothing is good enough where it is anymore.

Then, of course, there's the gym. I was doing really well there for a while, but I haven't been in a month and I felt so much better when I was active. My schedule is looking very hectic for next semester, but I'm going to have to try and get some sort of activity in there somewhere for my own sanity.

Between 18 credits of class, 20 hours of work, SG responsibilities, homework and so forth I'm not sure how I'm going to manage everything that I need or want to do in my last year as a college student. Scary to think how much it's winding down.

I suppose I didn't do too bad tonight. My entire post wasn't a downer, although I can't say it was overly uplifting either. But such is life. I know I'm going to be okay once I figure out what's wrong.

Anyhow, I didn't get to bed until 7am yesterday, and when I fell asleep it was for an hour long dream that included deja vu. I didn't think you were supposed to get deja vu in your dreams, just when you woke up from them. If I'm smart I'll get up around nine to pack, so I suppose it's crash time.

Thanks to those of you who provided feedback on the site. I'm glad it's been well received. :)

Captured At: 200

"It's as simple as something that nobody knows..."

Most people my age spend Friday nights gazing into a glass of their favorite alcoholic concoction drowning the sorrows of the day, week, year, or lifetime.

My glass sits on the usual "Try AOL" CD tin almost half full. Approximately six inches from it sits easy access to the next refill.

This evening's drink of choice? Orange Kool-Aid. Scandalous, I know.

Perhaps the rum with coke for color I was given the other night got me out of my rum kick. Perhaps I got my fill of beer this week. Whatever the reason I have little interest in alcohol. Chris can keep his 'ritas. Derek can keep his mojitos. Gareth can keep his rum. Who knows which of the myriad of emtions gyrating through my mind would come most to the surface.

I look at the clock and can't decide whether 1230am is too early or too late. I don't know whether to party, work, or crash. In the last week I've experienced extreme highs and lows like nothing I can find in recent memory.

One slice is pure energy and enthusiasm. I have so much motivation. I'm looking forward with excitement and hope and I'm thinking on such a grand level. It's as if nothing in the world is going to stop me. I can do anything. I'm that good and I know it. I believe it with every fiber of my being. I am the person everyone tells me I am.

Or am I...

What if I fail? What if everything doesn't work out? What if I don't cut it? What if I disgrace myself? What if I let everyone down? What if what goes around really does come around? What if it doesn't? What if I've taken too much? What if I can't do it? What happens when I crash? Where do I go when it all falls apart? Why couldn't I find something better than Kool-Aid to drink?

That's so weak. I can take anything that comes at me. You think you're going to give me a load of garbage I don't need? I'll tell you what you can do with it. It's not my fault you're my problem. Why don't you people grow up already? Why don't you move on? How could you let things get like this? Why does everyone have to be so difficult? Why can't you make up your mind? I swear if this keeps up I'm going to start putting some holes into the walls.

No, no. That's all wrong. I will be as successful as I set myself up to be. Forget about the doubt and spend the year growing some confidence. I need to believe I'm the good person everyone tells me I am. I can't lose my focus because of stupid people who don't matter. I need to have faith in my family and friends. I need to remember that compassion and understanding goes further than anger and demands.

Confidence, fear, anger, realism - they all have their place. Often I wish I could be one and not all at the same time.

I've been thinking a lot about my life. Where am I going? Why is it that I do the things that I do? How can I make what I have even better? How can I cut out the things that hold me back and drag me down without losing the elements in them that make me happy? How can I learn acceptance for those things I can't do anything about?

I remember when "I just want to be happy" was the only goal I felt I needed. I'd let my options present themselves and go with what made me smile on the inside. Unfortunately life isn't that simple.

Captured At: 107

"Run around in circles..."

Sometimes it seems like I never get to stop. So I overslept a bit this morning; people make mistakes and I know I'm not the only one. I was really upset at first with all the harassment and comments about being lazy and a bad leader, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that those people aren't looking at the big picture.

This week is about the freshmen. It's about making them feel comfortable here and trying to pass on some of the pride, energy, and enthusiasm I have for my university. I've answered a million questions, solved all sorts of problems no one else was addressing, filled in when I was needed, I was there for my freshmen when I was supposed to be, and how can someone not smile at the sight of a silly girl in a Mad Hatter hat? Isn't that what's important?

I love when my tour kids and their parents remember me. Knowing that I made a positive impact on their decision for college feels wonderful. I know I'm still thankful to the people who brought me here and took me in when I was new and lost and I hope I can do the same for some one else. That's why I do it; not for the free food or t-shirts or getting first crack at the new students. One of my tour kids, Matt I believe his name was, asked me how the election was and congratulated me on my victory. I couldn't believe he remembered.

On the flipside, I'm getting a little annoyed with everyone introducing me to people as the SG President. I worry that it tips the teeter totter in a way that makes me look like less of a student and more of an authority figure of some sort. I'm trying to make the kids feel comfortable; we don't need to shift the balance in a way that implies I'm better than anyone. I'm not.

I was feeling so tired earlier. I was sent home and told to take a nap, but I didn't get back here until several hours after the initial "get out of here." Laura had to physically push me into my car. It's strange. I knew I was exhausted, I knew I had permission to leave, but I couldn't bring myself to go.

Showers are the best thing ever after being outside on a hot day, and coming back here for one definitely picked me up a bit. I got some more work done on the new Student Ambassador site, which is looking pretty darn cool if I do say so myself. I also got an email today from one of my new CLF buddies. I know I haven't said much about the conference, but the email made me remember how energized I was when I got back last week and that I promised myself I would keep that up throughout the year.

So, while I'll be heading back to campus in a few sans nap, the time home has done me some good. I have this insane urge to spend an evening on the beach with a drink in my hand, and if weather permits I plan to make carrying that out one of the highlights of my day.

Captured At:1745

"Here comes the rain again..."

I walked home from campus tonight. Liz gave me a ride to the annual "Go greek" presentation at Gleason and went to the pike house with TJ afterwards.

I don't know why there was so much concern about me walking home from campus. I learned this evening that it's only about a 15 minute walk at a pace that I do believe was slow for my standards. Sure it was drizzling a bit, but it was nice to be outside and walking around and actually have a purpose for once.

It also gave me some time to think. I remembered catching the tail end of the aforementioned event my freshmen year, ending up out with a guy I'd met two days before, and being catapulted into what would be one of the toughest, yet most educational times in my life up until that point. I've come so far.

Right now I've become incredibly intimidated by how far I still have to go. I have one year left...less really. I have to make this one good. I have to make this one count. This is the year that has to make up for all the others.

I'm setting some pretty high standards, aren't I?

I can see those standards are already taking their toll. I'm not at all where I wanted to be by this point. I don't know how I ran out of time, but I did. I'm unsure of when I lost my focus and even more unsure of if I ever had one.

I'm going back into turtle mode. I'd much rather prefer to be by myself and change any subject that hits too close to home. I tried to take a step away from that tonight with limited success. My friends are worried about me. My sister thinks I'm manic. I've been advised to get my head straightened out before she starts bringing me samples back home from work.

Laugh. It was funny.

I'm lucky to have people looking out for me. Unfortunately there isn't much they can do these days because everything is up to me. The path to success in my endeavors for the year, the conquering of my foolish fears, the courage to press on even when I don't think I can...those and more are mine to discover.

I know I worry people when I say I'm dumb. I know I worry them when I look upset and am distant. I know that I can handle anything and I wish I knew how to tell them that. I can survive. I will make it. And I'll do so in a manner that will just blow everyone away.

So where was that positivity earlier? Hidden. It's buried by the one thing I'm most afraid of right now.

I know I'm over analyzing. I'm looking at things now and trying to figure out the reason for them and what they're telling me about the future. Any sign is better than I have right now.

For now, to all of you out there who are worried about me, know that I'm tough. I can take this and more and I will be okay. It's what I do.

Captured At: 331

"There's something in the wind tonight..."

Something this evening took me back to the swings mentioned in the June 30 post. I knew full well when I left for my walk that I'd be stopping there for a little while.

It's those moments when I'm outside under a clear sky admiring the world that I feel most relaxed and collected. At the same time I was slightly detached from myself.

I was watching the streetlights stretch across the water. I was feeling the wind blow against my back. I was imagining what the sky looked like at the beach.

Physically I was sitting on a swing. Mentally I was floating among a collage of landscapes.

The thought came to my mind how truly lucky I am to be me.

My parents are down this weekend. They haven't seen us since May.

Very soon my world as I know it will be turned upside down. I will potentially be away from anyone and anything I ever knew as "home." Liz and I won't be living together anymore. Who knows what distance will replace the 10 feet or so that make up our living room.

I started to think that maybe my life as I thought it would be isn't what I really want. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's something out there for me that I never even considered before.

I wish I could explain. I wish I knew what exactly it was that came over me. I wish I felt I was able to throw it all out there.

Somewhere the time crept up on me. I've been on the verge of collapse for at least an hour now and somehow my insomnia managed to gain some ground. It won't win for long. If I'm not careful, I'll get into a sleeping pattern so bad for my 8am shifts at work they'll fire me before I can say, "snooze button."

Captured At: 226