Sometimes more than others
You see who and what and where you are

I realize there are a lot of things in my life I'm being criticized for. I know I've gotten myself caught up in some less than desirable situations. I know that I have personality flaws. There are things in my life I'm not happy about. You learn to either find a remedy for those situations, or live with them as they are.

I think the only thing worse than realizing what you've gotten yourself into and how stuck you are is having some one else point it out. Imagine having everything you wish was different thrown at you in an hour. Imagine being so hurt and so saddened by it that you're torn between crying your eyes out right there and running far far away. Imainge getting away and not feeling free. Imagine wanting to just release it all and let it go and not be able to.

And so it stays with you.
It haunts you.

I know I'm a foolish foolish child. Funny how I'm 22 and still say I'm a child. Ironic how I have one person telling me that I'm still a kid inside because I can't let go and I have another telling me that that if I let that go I lose one of the best things about me.

Such is the eternal conflict I face. The occupational hazard of being bec. You can never be one thing or the other. You can be something, both loving and hating it all the while. You can want to be something, but have that thing you want to be go against everything you are and expect of yourself.

I was thinking yesterday about self image vs. projected image. We all have this idea of who we are and who we want to be, and other people have an idea of who we are and what we're about. I wonder how the two compare.

For a long time I believed I was a bad person. I still suffer from bouts of it from time to time, but I'm getting better. My friends, each in their own way, have shown me that I'm a good person who makes a difference just by being who I am. They love me and care about me and respect me despite moutains of flaws. My friends, each in their own way, help make me a better person. They see something in me that I don't always see in myself. So which is more accurate? The projected/perceived image, or the self image?

Can you be wrong about yourself? Can you think you're one thing and just not be it? Can the image you have in your head of who you are be completely off? If so, can you fool yourself forever or do you wake up at some point and go, "Wow. Guess I was wrong about me..."?

I was told that I've let one of the guys in my life turn me into the kind of person that I don't like. Okay, I'll give you that one. I'm dumb when it comes to guys. I do stupid things for stupid reasons and fight these battles that I just can't win, knowing full well the whole time that I'm losing and will continue to lose. I don't get it. I'm not that bad.

At least I don't think I am.

A friend once informed me that they didn't know how I did it. They didn't know how I held this power of instant attraction. They've watched people get sucked into it and fall under this spell, so to speak, where they'd do anything for me. So why can't I be with one of them and be happy? Why do I have to make it difficult? Why can't I let go of the bad relationship, clean up the messy one, and move on?

Everything is coming to me today in pieces. Little bits of this, chunks of that, pieces of everything else - they're all just flying around in my head. I say I'm fine and that I will be fine because I know it's the truth. All the while I see things that I can't change, won't change, and have no control over that drive me nuts.

I know not everything in the world is black and white, but sometimes, sometimes, I wish grey wasn't the only color I could see.

I think I understand now. Current song is "Ghost" by Howie Day, but "Grey Street" by DMB is probably more than appropriate.

"And it breaks her heart..."

Captured At:1417

Catching up

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum ;)
Wednesday: I overslept. I know that sounds funny coming from some one who, in theory, has nothing to get up for, but still. I managed to drag myself to the gym; an improvement over the previous day. I saw Pirates of the Caribbean that night with some people. It was a lot better than I expected.

I've started rating movies based on how willing I would be to sit through them again. This one falls between Finding Nemo - which I thought was adorable and am supposed to go see again, and The Matrix Reloaded - which was good, easier to sit through the second time, but didn't give me a "great movie" feeling when I left after either viewing. Does that make me a bad computer dork?

How the mighty have fallen...
Thursday: Last night I was up at the cape to visit the Columbia Reconstruction Hangar. I don't think it really dawned on me what I was about to see until we boarded the buses. I remembered countless bus trips around the NASA grounds back in November when we went up several times to see the shuttle launch. Watching it lift off was one of the most amazing things I'd ever seen. Now here I was, about to see the remains of what happens when things go terribly terribly wrong.

The pieces are grouped in sections based on where on the shuttle they came from, and these sections are organized in the shape of the shuttle if you were to flatten it and look at it from overhead. I believe I overheard they'd recovered 30-40% of it. In my mind that's not good, but in theirs it's apparently way above average.

For the number of people walking through, the hangar was very quiet. Boxes of tissues for those who needed them were attached to poles supporting the yellow dividing rope that kept us and the debris apart.

It's almost like walking into a junkyard - tires up here, windows over there, panels in the other direction, tiles everywhere... There it is spread out before you, one of mankind's most amazing creations reduced to pieces.

As if that angle isn't bad enough, in one section of the hangar they have all sorts of letters and pictures and cards NASA received. Several of them come from Elementary school classes of students who won't be able to fully comprehend what happened for years. One said "We are very sad and hope no more astronauts die." It's so simplistic, but it says so much.

Worse than that is a large whiteboard over in that section. Created on Jan 16, when Columbia launched, it contains drawings from the Astronauts' children with good wishes for their parents. "I love you daddy"'s are mixed with bright colored space scenes. In the upper right an Israeli flag is drawn with something in their language written over it. Under the flag it says "Go in peace, come back in peace." But they never came back...

Outside looking in
Thursday: Following the hangar visit, our group went to Outback. I felt like I was watching everything around me happen, not really taking part in it. When we left Derek asked if I was okay. I'd been quiet all night. Now at NASA the silence was understandable, at least in my opinion. Its extension was due to the fact that I became incredibly uncomfortable when I noticed that we were surrounded by couples. There were 10 of us and everyone else was married, dating, or engaged. Then there was Derek and I - couple number 5 as the waitress called us. It made it easier for her, but inside I cringed anytime I heard it.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against Derek. I've just become hypersensitive to that automatic pairing. I don't know how to explain better than that.

Then, of course, they bring up things like the lack of a video camera on the 4th of July, Tom's amazing photography skills, and my inability to peacefully coexist with vodka. I know it was to try and get me involved in the conversation more than to pick on me, but it took an uncomfortable situation and made it worse.

Close my eyes and I'm spinning
My head seems to be swimming these days. The other night as I lay awake I realized that I haven't been going to bed at a reasonable hour. Falling asleep around three was better than five, but not all that much of an improvement. I thought I'd kicked that. The thing is, I can't always pinpoint what I'm thinking about. I'll get a random memory for no reason and not be able to figure out whether it's making me happy or sad or what. I have nothing to say to anyone anymore, almost like I'm distracted. It's frustrating.

In other "news"
Gareth got my style sheet working. Part of me is really glad because it means I can move forward. The other part of me wishes I hadn't been too dumb to fix it myself.

Bugs suck. I don't know what took a walk up my arm and bit me every few inches, but when I find it it's getting squashed.

Captured At:1327

"Make yourself a photgraph and laugh at me
please"

I'm in the market for a large foam bat if you know anyone who's looking to get rid of one.

At the moment I'm overcome with this feeling that some one needs to beat the snot out of me. Were that to happen, I think a foam bat would be my weapon of choice. It's quick, effective, and hopefully wouldn't hurt too much. Plus, should I need to resort to beating the snot out of myself, a bat would be easiest.

I can't quite explain where this urge came from. For some reason I'm thinking/hoping it would do me some good. Good in what, I can't say.

Now before you go telling me how awful it is that I think I need to be hit, pause for a moment. Close your eyes and imagine me trying to hit myself upside the head with a large foam bat. Now picture the reality that I miss and hit something else or otherwise injure myself in the process. It becomes quite humorous then, doesn't it?

And that is what I'm here for. Your amusement. Enjoy.

Captured At: 033

Seeing is believing...

Have you ever noticed the difference a face makes?

Maybe that sounds odd, but think about it. Think about the number of times you talk on the phone with someone who's far away. You're always glad to hear from them, but when you finally see them it's just so much better.

Liz is leaving for Kansas on Wednesday and is so excited. It's cute. I'm glad TJ makes her happy and I think both of them would agree with me that talking every night is a weak subsitute for being able to see eachother.

My reason for this observation is quite silly in comparisson.

I was flipping through TV stations the other night and stumbled upon someone whose voice I hear all the time. I remember smiling and thinking it had been far too long. I started to wonder where that tape was that I used for occasions such as this; I never missed a TV appearance. Not that I was looking to tape what I was seeing, just wondering for when I realized it had been far too long again.

Maybe it's not so silly. Afterall, our reaction to the faces we see comes from our experiences with them and the emotions they create within us. So whether it's your best friend who always seems to know what to say, a musician who puts your feelings into words better than you can, or your parents who taught you so many of life's lessons, seeing them versus hearing them makes a world of difference just the same.

We see faces every day. Every place we go there's a sea of people in cars or stores or buildings. It's not uncommon for me to look at a crowd and wonder who all the people are. Behind all the commotion, what are they really about? There are so many people in the world that you never really know if the person who has just walked by you, whatever they look like, is one of the most extrordinary samples of human being you could ever know.

It's also not uncommon for me to look at a crowd and be completely overwhelmed, especially when I'm alone. It's at this point that I don't care about who's walking around me and hope to find someone I know. There's comfort in a familiar, friendly face. It makes any situation easier. Think about the last time you were in a room of people you didn't really know and then suddenly some one you recognized walked in. Chances are it lifted you up at least a little bit.

There's another angle to all of this. Just as we all have the people in our lives we see and smile or instantly feel better, for somebody else we could be that person. We could be one of those faces in the crowd that makes a difference and not even know it.

I think that's a real accomplishment. Forget walls of awards or bank accounts overflowing with money. Forget having the car and the house that everyone wants. None of those things mean anything. But to make a difference in the life of another person just by being who you are...now that's something.

And such is the power of faces...

Captured At:1316

Happiness is contagious

Last night I was talking to a friend of mine. He'd recently gotten off the phone with his new girlfriend and was all happy. You can tell he's totally taken with her because you can hear it in his voice. I talk to him and he says things and I can just picture him saying it with a huge goofy grin on his face. It's cute.

Now bec doesn't do giddy, but when I talk to him I get a huge goofy grin on my face. He's a great guy, a real sweetheart, and I'm just so happy for him. It's time he had a nice girl and not a "f*ing whore."

I'd imagine listening to our conversations would lower some one's intelligence level. There's lots of yay whoever's in there, random giggling, etc...it's downright silly. But he's happy and I'm happy for him, which justifies any stupidity we could be accused of.

Granted my stupidity is usually without justification, but that's beside the point. I like to see my friends happy. It makes life that much better when the people around me are in a good mood because, like I said, it's contagious. Pure happiness is the best high there is.

Yay! :D

Captured At:1713

"Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy..."

Given the hour I retired at, being awake and moving by 10am would have been considered an impossibility in any book written on the finer points of bec's sleeping habits. Yet here I am - alive, awake, and fairly happy.

Outside it is exactly what you would expect of a Florida morning. There's enough wind to sway the palm trees yet not enough to make it feel any cooler. The pavement is warm under bare feet and above is a blue sky with white clouds. The dogs seem happy to be outdoors.

As I wait for them I can feel the heat of the sun penetrating my t-shirt. There's a slight stinging as it reaches the burn it was kind enough to give me the day before. Fortunately a trip to the store is higher on the priority list than working on the pool. I will not make the mistake of being in the water unprotected again.

There are very few signs of last night's rainstorm. It was one of the most fearsome I'd seen in years. In what seemed like a matter of seconds a mass of clouds swooped in, stole the sunlight, and turned the sky almost black. The world took on a surreal yet menacing green-grey color.

I had the misfortune of being on the road to restock the dog food container. The critters had to eat in the morning, the store had to close, and I had to get there before it did. It seemed the lightning followed me, or rather, led me there. The sky flashed continually, each strike burning an afterimage into my eyes. The sky was angry.

Although I'd driven in worse conditions rain-wise, the amount of lightning made me nervous. I opted to go home instead of to the house because it was closer and got there in time to read a handful of messages left on my computer before the lights dimmed and I watched my monitor slowly die. I shouldn't have been surprised. I had seen enough road lamps go out on the way and the gas station on the corner looked like it had lost power completely.

I remember being told as a kid that if you count "one one thousand, two one thousand..." between the lightning flash and the thunder you can tell how far away the storm is. Last night if you got "one" out before the thunder rumbled you were lucky. Something about the storm was downright eerie.

But no, no sign any of that happened.

This, too, is typical Florida. A mean storm creeps up, rains hell upon you, and vanishes.

I wonder what today will bring...

Captured At:1118

"When I'm walkin' by the water it comes up through my toes to my ankles to my head to my soul...

I was driving home along I-4 today listening to dmb and feeling happy overall. The above verse got me thinking about being on the beach last night at sunset and splashing my feet around in the Gulf. Amazing sky, warm water, nice climate, good company - all the elements just seemed to come together.

I have a new envy of those on the west coast. They can drive down to the beach and catch an amazing sunset every day. There's something about watching the sun turn molten red and stretch across the water with waves providing the only acceptable background noise for a moment like that.

Bliss.

I know I'm close to a beach here, but I don't get up early enough to watch the sun awaken the east coast. Personally, I also prefer the bolder colors of the sun's retreat.

The water in the Gulf was also very clear compared to the Atlantic. The "before" and "after" of my aunt's pool, as I hope to have them, come to mind.

I'm a little bummed I didn't remember to pull my camera out of the car and take a few pictures.

I decided against posting a play by play, but all in all it was a good extended weekend. Even if I was only gone for two days, it was nice to get away for a little bit and see someplace new. Many thanks to Doug, Derek, and their families for the hospitality.

I'm blown away..."

Captured At:1605