"I believe in love, but believe that it's love that keeps beating me down..."

What a great lyric that is.

To post it, to agree with it, makes it sound like somehow I've been burned too many times and am growing bitter. This is not the case.

I'm still working on adjusting to the realization that somewhere along the way I grew a heart. Despite numerous accusations over the years that I'm selfish and don't care about anyone but myself I've managed to evolve into what most people consider a decent human being. Funny how that happens, isn't it?

So that covers the first half. I believe in love. I know it. I feel it.

However, is it possible to care too much? I think that in my case this is where the beating comes in. I look at the major stressors in my life - the things that keep my mind in motion - and it all comes from how much I care about them. Be they people or things, I have this great concern for who and what I love so much so that, at times, it drives me absolutely mad. I know I shouldn't get consumed by such things, but it happens and takes its toll on every other aspect of my life. This is particularly bad when the issue isn't necessarily mine.

I suppose maybe that's the goal for next year. It's going to be a tough one between finishing out my second senior year, trying to find a job for after graduation, and being SG President. That's not to say I don't want to deal with people and try and help them. I still very much want to do whatever I can, but I need to learn how to keep things...compartmentalized so to speak.

Life is a constant process of evolution and change. Sometimes you get where you think you want to be only to find that's not what you wanted at all. Sometimes you get there and realize you still have futher to go. Somtimes you change your mind along the way and don't even get there at all.

I think that today, if there was one piece of advice I could give, it would be to realize how inconsistent life is. You can plan on and expect things to be one way, but don't be surprised if something comes in that shakes that up. More importantly, when it does, be open to the possibility that maybe the thing making ripples will leave you better off than you could've imagined. Some things just are. They can't be changed, but your outlook on them can. Learning acceptance for the things you can't change will put you that much futher.

Captured At:1350

Question of the Day

Angela decided the other day that in an attempt to get to know some of her friends better she was going to start asking them questions every day. I think it's a pretty cool concept and figured I'd put my answers up here. If you'd like to play too, click the link under my name at the end of each post and add a comment with your answer. Sound good?

So here goes...

First, I'll go back and get yesterday since I missed it:
If you could travel to anywhere in the world with no concerns about money or war, where would you go and why?

This is a tough one. I want to go everywhere and see everything. We have such a big, huge, amazing world to experience and I'd love to be able to make the most of it. However, if "I want to see it all" isn't a good enough answer, I suppose I'll have to pick one actual place. One idea that comes to mind, from a purely childish place, is Australia. Something about "the land down under" fascinated me when I was little and I always wanted to go. That was always my answer to the question. However, being a little older and a little more interested in who I am and where I come from, it would be cool to visit one of the countries my family left to come to the US. I'm a few generations out so it wouldn't be nearly the same as they knew it, but it would still be interesting.

And for today's question:
If you could meet any person in the past, present, or future, who would you want to meet and why?

This is a great question and one I could come up with a million answers to just because there are so many angles. I suppose it depends entirely on the mood I'm in that day.

From a starstruck standpoint, I'd like to meet any one of my favorite musicians. For anyone who's a big fan of a singer or band in our own way we all want to be more than another face in the crowd and find some way to give back to them what they've given to us. I know in reality that I would probably clam up, say nothing, and walk away hitting myself for blowing my chance, but that's okay.

From a conceited standpoint, I'd like to jump around time and meet younger and older versions of myself. It would give me new insight into where I've been and may help me see exactly where it is that I'm going. I'm not even looking for "future me" to tell me exactly what's going to happen in my life, but just say, "Hey, this will all work out and you're going to be happy in the end just like you always wanted." It'd be a happy thought to go to sleep with every night. It would also be an interesting experience to meet myself right now as some one else and see what I look like through some one else's eyes. Spending some time with younger verions of my closest friends and family could also prove interesting as well.

I've always asked a lot of questions. I like to know how and why everything works. If you caught me on one of those days I'd go into the future to see all the "toys" we're going to have or into the past to pick the brains of some of the greatest thinkers of our time.

If you catch me on a day where I hate class, I would probably go back in time to kill Newton before he could invent calculus. College students everywhere would thank me. ;)

That really only scratches the surface, but I think it'll have to do for now. Again, if you want to play too, and you know you do, drop a comment and share your great insight on the hypothetical questions of life.

And if you're wondering about the first question, it was "what's your favorite color?" Not too hard. Y'all probably know this anyway....

Captured At:1637

BNL - "Wrap Your Arms Around Me"

I concede that you were right about this place.
It has been great for me, but maybe you're right. Maybe I should've left.

I can make a perfect likeness of your body if I trace.
Do you remember coloring books that had tracing pages? It gave the illusion that you could have two of the same picture to color different ways, but the one you created was never quite as good as the original. No matter how steady your hand, it always wobbled somewhere. Copies are flawed like that; there is no such thing as a perfect likeness.

I can hold you until you turn out the light
and I can't see
It's funny how quickly some things can get away from you. Going from a light environment to a dark one requires your eyes to adjust. Some succeed at this quicker than others. Much like life, sometimes you have to look at your environment with new eyes. While you could've been following some one out of the room before, now you have to stumble around on your own to make it out the door. This can be terribly difficult.

And yes, I am afraid of the dark. I always have been.

Do you believe that we are all innately good
Today I was told to "assume that people are being honest untill they prove otherwise." Mark Twain once wrote " No man is straitly honest to any but himself and God." As far as I'm concerned, most people aren't even honest with themeslves. It would be nice to believe the best in people, but unfortunately it becomes increasingly difficult to do so. There are some who would say that I am a good person, but being one of the few people I know who can be honest with them self, I know better than to agree with them. Inside, yes, I do believe we are innately good, however most people are quick to turn their backs on it.

Do you think that you would love me until tomorrow if you could
Do I love you? Can I love you? Do I want to love you? Ask yourself. Ask me. Ask anyone. There are a million ways to love a person which makes the emotion all that more complex. I know a lot of people this very thing is causing problems for.

Would you please turn down the radio
so we can speak
I can't even count the number of times some one has turned down the radio on me or gotten mad at me for paying more attention to the song coming through the speakers than to them. It's never intentional. Look at this post, for example. I'm disecting an entire song into smaller things I'm thinking and feeling because each piece applies on a different level. If I'm not feeling the song I usually don't pay attention to it. When I ride in other people's cars I usually pay attention to what comes through their CD player. They usually have a reason to play what they're playing - be it a memory of a person or a thing or pure ability to relate. I don't usually ask, but I listen to the words to see if I can pull anything. Maybe I'm silly for that, but I know I've played certain things at certain times to see if people would pick up on them. Makes you wonder now, doesn't it?

I put my hands around your neck
you wrap your arms around me.
I put my hands around your neck
you wrap your arms around me.
I put my hands around your neck
you wrap your arms around me
What is it they say about always going back to the abuser? When do you learn to run away so they can't do that to you anymore? Or when do you get the strength to throw off their hands and run?

I regret every time I raised my voice
And it wouldn't be that bright of me to say I had no choice.
Angela's question of the day is "What is your greatest regret in your life so far?" I'd have to say I regret all the times I said or did something to be mean to some one simply because I could. I am a very harsh person. I regret all the times I didn't have the patience I should have. I regret all the times I did things that went against my better judgement and created more problems for people in the process. I regret all the times I haven't been able to help some one who needed it, or wasn't there when I should have been. I regret all the times I let people down. But most of all, I regret all the times I lost sight of myself and tried to be something that I knew I wasn't.

I can kiss your eyes your hair your neck
until we forget
I screwed up. Let me try and make it better. Let me tell you this or buy you that. Let me apologize until you can't hear me do it anymore. Let's forget about all the bad that happened and try to replace it with something good until we can no longer remember there was a problem to begin with. Sure that doesn't change anything, but we can pretend, can't we?

I concede that you were right about this place.
I can make a perfect likeness of your body if I trace.
I can hold you until we turn out the light,
and I can't see
I can't see.

Captured At:1959

I said I'd come back to this...

Angela's Question of the Day:

Would you rather hear the truth from someone even if it may hurt, or would you rather they lie to you to prevent you from getting hurt?"

Like most people I would opt for the truth, but I have a few conditions on this.

For starters, I don't like half truths. As some one who knows how to "give it just a little twist," I'm usually pretty good at picking up a hint of what's not being said. Not to say I'll be able to nail you 100%, but I usually have in inkling when some one has held something back. How do half truths happen? Let's take a look at something most students can relate to..

Scenario: You got lazy and didn't do your homework. You never bring your textbooks to class, so the next day you throw your notebooks in your bag as usual. When you walk in the door the teacher asks for your homework.

The Lie: "I left my book at home and I don't have it. Can I bring it to you later?"

Many teachers know students pull stuff like this. Most will also give you a new deadline for the work (5pm sound familiar?) But that's beside the point.

So how is that a lie? You told the truth that you don't have it. You told the truth that you left your book at home. But the two aren't related and you've allowed your teacher to draw the conclusion that the homework is with your book at home and you'll get it once you can get back to wherever to pick it up. Without actually lying you've led them to believe a lie.

Second, I want the 100% truth not just about the immediate question, but all the things surrounding it as well. Don't tell the truth about one thing and then answer with a lie or half-truth to the question(s) that may follow. The scenario below is sadly common and, as I have experience with it, I'll draw upon that

Scenario: Two people have been seeing eachother. One of them takes a liking to some one else/realizes they just don't want that kind of relationship with the other person. They start to pull away not because they don't want to see the other person, but because they don't know how best to deal with the situation. This leaves the second individual terribly confused. After a period of time the two talk about it.

A: "Why are you avoiding me?"
B: "I'm not." (Half True)
A: "What's wrong then?"
B: "I....I just don't think it's working out." (True)
A: "Did I do something?"
B: "No." (True) "I just have a lot I'm trying to figure out right now," (Could be true) "and I don't want to get into a relationship." (False.)

Person B is interested in a relationship, just not in one with A...depending on how hung up A is on B, this could lead them to believe there's a chance in the future. The minute person B goes after some one else, A is going to realize they've been played and betrayed and no good can come of that.

Let's look at B's side. B knows how A feels and doesn't want to hurt them by going "I really just don't feel that way about you/can't see myself with you/think you're some one I want to be with." Hearing that stings like hell, but at least A would know exactly where they stand and could get over it.

So maybe B was trying to protect their feelings, but in the end A ends up even more hurt. They have to get over the intitial "it's over", the "they lied to me" that inevitably follows, and potentially the "it's never going to happen, is it?" Pretty crappy, huh?

So no half truths. No mixed truths. They're still truths in their own way, but not the kind that I want.

This is not to say that I've never given any of the above. I'm usually a blunt person, but there are things I've twisted/guarded/flat out lied about. I don't say it because I'm proud of it, I say it because it's the truth.

So if that's the case, why be honest with me to begin with? How do you know you're getting the truth?

Most people will tell you that I'm honest with them. I know several people who don't like me because I was too honest. Some of the things I haven't been 100% honest about bother me, others don't.

Right now, aside from things I've flat out held back, I can think of two things I wasn't completely honest about that bother me. One was to save my own butt, but in retrospect I should've taken everything I deserved and more. The other was because I didn't know the most constructive answer to the question and went with something very general. But note that once I have a better answer I fully intend to go back to the individual and set the record straight.

They have a lot of great quotes out there about lying, honesty, and how "the truth shall set you free". I guess the unfortunate part is that in the end it doesn't come down to what you want so much as what the other person involved wants to give out. You have little choice on the receiving end.

It's also important to remember that no one is on the same end all the time. You have to watch what you do when you're dealing with people because one day someone will have to deal with you the same way. Think about what you would want to get and try to give that out.

It all comes back to the "golden rule" doesn't it?

Captured At:2205

"Lost for you I'm so lost for you..."

Question of the Day: Have you ever been truly in love? If so, did it occur more than once?

I saw this and the first thing I thought of was "didn't I post something that touched on this not too long ago?" So I did a search and came upon the post from 6.4 of this year and a section of it titled "What is love?" Yes, I did have the song from the SNL skit in mind when I titled it that.

Anyhow, in it I was explaining that I had a very difficult time understanding the difference between "love" and "in love." I don't know the difference between the two. I don't know where the line is between caring about some one, loving them, and being in love with them.

I also briefly touched upon the question of which one you were really better off with in the sense of having/being in a relationship.

Because of that I find it very difficult to answer this particular question with a "Yes, I have been in love" or a "No, I have not." I don't know what it feels like. I'm inclined to say "no" because I remember thinking to myself on several occasions that I just didn't feel the way I should about the person I was with, but maybe I was as "in love" with them as I can get.

I've never said I was in love and, knowing me, I'm sure the minute I did I'd probably kick myself to snap out of it.

In fact, I have done something similar to that. I can recall a few instances where I'd look at myself and my situation and think "maybe I'm wrong...maybe this is exactly what it feels like and I fell without even knowing it." Then I'd stop a minute, tell myself I was ridiculous and move on.

One theory says that when I'm actually in love I'll know and won't have to question it, but since I question everything I'm not sure that can ever happen. I also don't like feeling out of control and remember saying that I don't know if I'd ever let myself go that far.

That was a big thing with Nick. He used to tell me all the time that I needed to just let go. People agreed, but thought it was him I needed to let go of, not myself. Then again, people tell me to let go of a lot of things.

Right now there are two things running through my mind. The first is a PMB lyric that says "you bring it on yourself girl, you never let go" and the second is that I could write an entirely seperate post about letting go and all the things I just can't/couldn't get rid of.

I'll make a mental note of that one and save it for a rainy day....

Captured At:1555

In the future...

Angela dear, these future questions have got to stop. I can answer damn near anything else, but...wow....you have no idea how hard this is....

QotD 10 & 11

What do you want to be when you grow up?
I pulled out the wiseass card on this one. Tall. I want to be tall. My theory on why I'll never be tall - I don't know that I'll ever really grow up.

What are your top five goals in life?

I can honestly say that the only thing I ever wanted out of life was to be happy. Granted, sometimes I have a hard time with how what will make me happy now will affect what will make me happy later, but as long as happy falls into place somewhere, I'm good.

Any other goals I could give would really just contribute to that one. So I'll give this question a little twist examine what it is that makes bec happy.

1) Accomplishment - I like to feel like I've done something worthwhile, either for me or for other people. I like to feel like I've made a difference. Succeeding in this usually means that I have to stay busy, but I like that. There are some who might try and tell you that everything I've done was for the recognition, but they obviously don't know me.

2) Relationships - I say this in a very general manner and couldn't come up with a better word. I have great friends. What makes it even better is that they think I'm not too bad either. Whether we're off being stupid in Orlando or just sitting around here doing nothing, I'm usually in good company. We also lean on each other a bit when problems come our way, and it's at those times that you see the real value of the relationship that you have.

3) Importance - I like to feel like I matter. I don't think anyone would argue that it feels good to know you're loved, wanted, appreciated, et cetera, especially by the people you love, appreciate, want, and so forth.

4) Travel - I like to go places. I don't mind roadtrips because I think half the fun is in getting there. And yes, it does get "so damn lonely when you're on a plane alone", but having people to meet on the other side always feels good. I want to go everywhere and see everything. While I realize the chances of this are slim, I can still try.

5) Music - It enhances the travel. It enhances the good times with friends. It's great to see live. Music makes the world go round. :) Keep me stocked up on good music and I can be happy no matter what.

6) Scenery - Give me the moon and the stars. Give me the sunrise. Give me the sunset. And give them to me in an open field, on an empty beach, or over the mountains. Ah, bliss.

Six? That's it? I know there's more than that? Although maybe they're too specific to actually make such a general list.

And yes, I realize this gives no thought to the real world. What about money? What about bills? What about a job? But those aren't what's going to make me happy. They may help me get there or they may keep me from getting there, but they're just one more thing along the way.

So Angela, I'm sorry I don't have five goals in life for you, but the one has just always been so much more important.

Captured At:1457

I was going to post earlier this morning. A friend of mind called me in a highly inebriated state. The half hour we spent on the phone was both amusing, informative, and thought provoking, at least for me.

The aforementioned friend called today to apologize for calling last night because they didn't remember anything they said and hoped I wasn't mad. Like they're the first person to call me while drunk...

Angela's Question of the Day today is one that I frequently ask people. It goes a little something like this: Where did your screen name come from?

I've lost count of all the names I've registered, and of them I only used five with any sort of consistency. Soulisinthestars was created around Christmas 2001. I was talking to a friend of mine who was looking to create a new screen name and wanted ideas. Somewhere in that conversation a line from Buffett's "Desdemona's Building a Rocketship" popped into my head that goes "but her soul is in the stars." I took the last five words, registered them with AOL, and to this day still get told by space geeks that they're jealous what a cool name I have. "Desdemona..." tends to sit on most people's "I hate this song" list, but that's okay. I guess on some level I understand it.

Captured At:1532

Let it go, let it go, let it go....

I wrote a post with this title a few days ago, had an error posting it, and once I got back in to update I decided to delete it. I figured it was a lot of garbage and didn't understand why I was writing it.

Funny how some things will come back to get you, isn't it?

Letting go. What does that really mean? Let's say you can't '"let go" of thing 1. Let's say you're trying to. At what point can you say you've "let go" of it?

Does it mean you don't think about thing 1? Does it mean that you forget about thing 1 altogether? Does it mean that you still think of thing 1 on occasion, but when you do it doesn't bother you at all? And if you're thinking about thing 1 in any capacity, has it really been "let go"?

I, and this may come as no surprise to many, am terrible at "letting go". Last night my aunt told me a story about this one New Year's Eve when I was little. She was explaining the concept of New Year's and how they celebrate because one year ends and another one begins. I became incredibly upset about this because I liked the old year and didn't want it to end. She said she never imagined I would've reacted like this and that she'd ruined the evening because it took me an hour to stop crying.

Some things never change...

I have a very difficult time letting go of the past or dealing with anything that means I'm losing a piece of it. While I was thrilled to get out of high school there was a part of me that didn't want to leave because it meant I was getting older and I didn't like that. I remember a lot of things with very little effort. Most of the time I can enjoy this gift, however, if something hits me just right on the wrong day, some of my happiest memories can make me incredibly depressed. Why? Because they're over. Because who knows when I'll have something that can compare. Because what if that's the best it was ever going to be...

It's a very short-sighted way of thinking. I know this, but I have little control over it. If you've ever caught me go completely quiet because a song has come on the radio or across a play list, chances are I'm remembering something tied to it. Unfortunately, as of late, they've brought me back to some very sad places.

Another thing I have a terrible time "letting go" of is people. This occurs partially because it's tied into the previous difficulty and partially because it takes so much for me to develop anything greater than a "Hi, how are you?" relationship with others. The other day I was mentioning the "curse of the best friend" to some one and it dawned on my why I'm probably so guarded. History does repeat itself.

But that's something for another day. Maybe.

Regardless, I hate to see people go. I remember the first time some one I knew from Florida Tech graduated. It was really weird for me to not run into them in all the places I used to. More inevitably followed because that's what college students do; they hang out for a few years, graduate, and go on their way; well, most of them. Fortunately for me I've made good friends with people who are younger than I am as well as some who are 5th years just like me. I still wonder what will happen to all of those relationships when I leave college. I'd like to think a few of them will last, but I just don't know...

There is one other thing I've been told I need to learn to "let go" of. Different people have said it for different reasons but it is, perhaps, the hardest one of all. I wish I could have. Maybe it would've made things different. Who knows?

What is it?

You're just going to have to try and figure that out on your own.

Captured At:1235

Money can't buy me love...

Now today's question is much deeper...maybe even inspired by that God awful TV show....

If you had to choose between love and money, which would you choose and why?

The first thing I think is "take the money and run", but that's not really my answer, just me being a wiseass.

Before I make my decision I'd like a little more information.

First of all, is this overall in life, or right now?

If it's right now I would definitely go for the money because
1) I'm already surrounded by people who love and care for me and
2) I'm broke.
It's not too hard of a decision.

Second, what do you mean by love? Is this "love of my life" kind of love, or familial love, or "everybody loves you" kind of love, or what? Giving the person you're asking that information has the potential to make a lot of difference in their choice.

Why?

Some people want to be popular and would choose that above anything. Me? I've had a small taste of it and it does get quite old.

Some people will do whatever it takes to get the love and approval of their parents. Me? My parents were always the parents everyone else wanted. No problems there.

Some people spend their whole life waiting for that one person to come along. Our hopeless romantics would easily choose having their true love because that's all they've ever wanted out of life. Me? I always figured I'd be alone so if I didn't find the love of my life I'd be getting exactly what I expected.

Third, how much money are we talking about here? Are we talking about million and millions more than you could ever spend in a lifetime? Are we talking an hourly wage? Are we talking just enough to be comfortable and not have to worry about working?

Honestly, five bucks is not worth losing anyone who cares about me. Then again, I don't know that there's a price that would be...

Lastly, who's asking? If it's some stranger on the street who can hand me a check for 100000000000's of dollars, what control do they have over the people I already have in my life? How does choosing to take that money change how they feel? On the reverse side, does choosing those people mean I'll never be able to have enough money to live a comfortable life?

The person asking, unless they're some master of human puppetry, couldn't possibly turn my family or most of my friends against me. At least I'd like to think they couldn't. I also don't know that they could prevent me from ever seeing another nickel again. Even if I got blackballed from the job market the people who love me would help me out in any way that they could. I know this for a fact.

All of that said, I think in the end I would choose love. As a college student I know it really stinks not having money. But at the same time, I know it stinks even more when you don't have anybody.

I've never had a lot of wants. I've never spent a lot of time going "I wish I had money." I can think about the things I'd do if I had it, but they're fantasies I never expect to come true. Some things I can acquire with a little bit of work. Others will require more. Others I'll never have. And I'm okay with that.

On the other hand, I have sat around bored and lonely. Knowing everyone else is doing something while you're home feeling like a total loser really stinks. Over the years I've learned that there are a lot of great things you can experience in this life, but they're even better with somebody there to share them with.

I believe that, at times, laughter really is the best medicine and know it's very difficult to laugh and be silly when you're alone. I also believe that sitting down to talk and reminisce with some one is a great way to spend an afternoon or an evening.

Honestly, I hate money. It can buy you anything you want, but why put all of your faith and hope into a stack of paper? Money brings a lot of problems along with it and eventually it does run out. And then what do you have left? Shelves and closets of stuff? A few houses? Pictures of the things you spent it on? Some fast cars? An airplane or two? Those are all great things, but without personal relationships and the knowledge that comes with them what have you really gotten out of your life?

So sure, choosing love of any type may leave me a bit more broke than I theoretically could've been, but at least I'd be in good company.

Captured At:1611

Totally stolen from Miss Universe...

If you could be fire or water, which would you be and why?

I hear "water" and immediately think of the ocean. I see my beach and the waves a night. I'm awestruck at such beauty...such power...such peace...

I would be water for a number of reasons. First of all, water is essential to life. I'm not saying I think I'm essential, but I would like to think I serve some purpose.

Water has a variety of forms. It can be massive as the ocean or simple as a droplet. It molds to its surroundings in a variety of shapes and depths. It can be in constant churning motion or placid.

Water also takes on a variety of appearances. Solid or liquid, it can be crystal clear or clouded, murky, and mysterious. Its attributes come from it's surroundings - think salt water or sulfur water.

Now look below the surface of the water. Imainge all the things hidden in its depths that live and function and would cease to exist without it. It holds wonder and terror. It's an entire world contained within ours.

Water can be useful or destructive. It's driven by forces beyond its control. The tides don't know why they move. They have no concept of the moon's effect. They're just compelled to do what they do.

Water, in my opinion, is much more human than fire. While it lacks emotion, its physical properties run parallel to the nature of people.

Captured At:2026

You're so grounded....

What is one thing you've always wanted to tell your parents, but have never been able to?

Wow. This is a hell of a question. The thing that makes it even more interesting is knowing that my dad and my brother both visit here on a semi regular basis.

Seriously though, I can't say I have much to hide.

My parents always tried very hard to treat us like adults. We had a lot of freedom - within reason of course. Anytime something major happened that needed to be dealt with, we always went to my parents, even if we were reluctant to.

I wasn't much of a talker. I also didn't like to get into trouble despite how much it may have appeared I enjoyed fighting. I can think of a few things over the years that probably could've come out or been handled better, but nothing comes to mind that I blatantly kept from my parents prior to college.

I think the most recent thing I deliberately didn't tell my parents about was this speeding ticket I got two years go. It came within two months of another, but since I was in Florida I could take a class to make it go away. I figured if it wasn't going to hurt my insurance so I could pay the money, take the class, and spare myself a lot of hassle.

Unfortunately a few weeks ago there was an issue with an increase in my insurance and I had to come clean. Once I did, Liz informed me that she'd told my parents shortly after she found out (I'd originally kept it from her for a while too for that exact reason). Anyhow, the increase ended up being because of my dad, not me. I was pretty much off the hook and I didn't get in trouble for the second ticket. :)

I guess when it comes down to it, I operate on a "need to know" basis. If my parents need to know something, I'll tell them. If I think they should know something, I'll tell them. If I want them to know something, I'll tell them And maybe that sounds bad, but I'm actually a good kid. I make my mistakes, but it's not like I'm hiding the fact that I'm on drugs, sleeping around, an alcoholic, pregnant, got arrested or kicked out of school or something along those lines.

That's not just with my parents though. I've had friends get upset because they thought I was distant, keeping things from them, just didn't want to talk to them anymore, et cetera. I don't mean anything by it, I just have my moments. Believe it or not, I'm a fairly private person.

Anyway...I suppose I should be going. I'm in a chatroom with Bry and some of his friends and need to consider going back to the hosue shortly. G'night.

Captured At:1903

This is the end...

And here it is, the 20th and final question of the day:

What is the one thing you like most about yourself, and why?

This falls at an odd time considering just the other day I was being told that I am the total package. However, you want a totally conceited post? Well, I don't usually brag, but here it is.

Why Bec should realize how awesome she is:

• Personality - I'm supercool. You don't have to listen to me on this, ask anyone who knows me. I've got a great sense of humor, a genuine concern for others, an extraordinary sense of self, and a unique outlook on the world. I like to have fun and make things fun for other people. I believe happiness is the greatest thing you can acheive in life and that you should do things because you truly enjoy them, not for what they can get you. I have a lot of passion for the people and things I care about.


• Memory - I know this sounds odd, but one of the things I'm most thankful for is my memory. It helps me take in everything so vividly. I've been able to take these memories and share them with others either to bring them back with me, or help them learn something from them.


• Brainpower - No, I'm not a genius, but I'm still very intelligent. I've found I'm great at the things I really apply myself to. I'm a good problem solver. I'm very quick and posess common sense which, sadly, is in short supply in today's world. While it has its disadvantages at times, I have a good head on my shoulders and I'm thankful for it.


• Talent - I have a great imagination; always have, always will. I'm very creative and see possibilities in things that others miss.


• Flexibility - In the last several years I've worked very hard to mold myself into more of the person I want to be. I've been fairly successful, but still have a bit to go. I've learned to look at more than one side of an issue and realize that you have to take things as they come. I think those are both important things to know


• Inner child - I think this is self explanatory. I'm a big little kid. I hope I'm always in touch with that part of me. It keeps me grounded and happy.


• Lastly - at least as far as I can think of, some would say I'm attractive. In all truth, I don't recognize myself when I look in a mirror. I suppose this means I'll have to take everyone else's word for it. My "squishy nose" and "expressive eyes" have been mentioned to me on a few occasions. I've never been big on my smile either, but apparently there are a few out there who like that as well.

Captured At:1749

It's such a fragile magic...

It's about a quarter past midnight. I've come home to put my laundry away.

Why?

I have no idea.

There's barely anything in the bag. I haven't used very many clothes in the last week. I only went to the gym twice. I spent hours lounging around doing nothing, usually in my bathing suit and my favorite pair of "I'm a bum" shorts which I was too lazy to change out of after laying in the sun became boring. I have a little more color than before and, other than completion of the Harry Potter book and a few chapters of "Don't Stop the Carnival," I have little to show for myself.

If I didn't know better I'd say I was depressed. All the signs are there. I have no motivation. I sit around and do nothing. When I'm invited somehwere I either decline or have such a hard time getting/keeping interest in what's going on that I go home. I'm ready to crash at midnight even though I sleep in and nap. Some would say I'm suffering from the lazy days of summer. I wish I could believe that were it.

Currently "Far Side of the World" is in my car. It found its way there this morning as I was driving to the house. As usual, I got flashbacks. Typically, for this particular CD, it's of Derek and I lounging on our futon in A building killing time. Today it was much more than that. In fact, the living room didn't even come into play. Between visions of various rooms in 203A I was struck with a variety of emotions that didn't go with anything I was seeing. Part of me was smiling, part was reliving great pain, and part was feeling almost remorseful.

Places change.

In the last 4 years I've called so many places home it's not even funny. My parents have occupied 2 houses and an apartment. I've occupied two dorm rooms, two campus apartments, and one off campus apartment. I've been to New York about a dozen times. I've house sat a handful of times. I've been at some people's places enough that at times I felt like I'd moved in and tried to adjust to keep myself from being an intrusion. Through all this changing and all this moving the images have become more blurred. Each new place brings new memories that inevitbaly relace others that I can't remember losing and will never get back. A year from now I have no idea where I'll be - my place will change again and what I call "home" will be different.

People change.

I've called a lot of people "friend." Most of them have not lasted. Some I never really knew. Some I knew, but they changed. Some I knew, but only as they wanted me to see them. I've called fewer people "best friend." Most of them have not lasted. Some I couldn't help. Some were lost to distance. Some were lost to change. I think about the people I know. I think about what I used to know them as and what I know them as now. Sometimes I wonder if I'm so caught up in the person I knew that I'm blind to the person that's there. At the core I know the people around me are good. I know others see them as this or that, determine that they don't like them for foolish reasons, and never really give them the chance. I wish everyone could see the people in my life as I've seen them. I wish I could make the people in my life see themselves as I've seen them. A year from now I have no idea where I'll be - everyone I know, every relationship I have, will be different.

Situations change.

Everything is relative to what you know and what you've experienced. My outlook on things has changed as my experience with them has. Things I could never imagine saying or doing have become okay within certain limits. I've gone from nothing to almost something. I've gone from being uninterested to being the one who tries to interest other people. I've gone from smart to stupid to almost smart again. I've gone from loved to hated and vice versa. To some I've moved from stranger to acquaintence to friend. To fewer it's taken steps fruther. I've been best friend, girlfriend, and everything in between. I've put people in positions I never thought possible and got myself into a few I couldn't have ever imagined. A year from now I have no idea where I'll be - everything I've done, everything I do, will result in alteration of my perception and, between then and now, how I get through situations will be different.

I wish I could pick and choose from my past to create a better present and future. Then again, if you take some one as they were in the past and place them into the present, is there any way to be sure they'll stay that way? What if the change in them comes no matter what? Or what if the change in them is worse than the one you'd already seen? Such are the mysters of time, space, life...

Nearly an hour has escaped me. Sometimes I fail to realize how much time I put into a post, especially one of this nature.

Good night.

Captured At: 109

Something in the wind...

I'm not sure what prompted tonight's walk. I couldn't talk Liz into coming with me.

They say all things happen for a reason.
There was a reason I had to take this walk alone.

I got half way around the block before the larger of the two "lakes" within the complex came into view. For a moment I considered stopping to watch the water, but continued walking. A few steps further and I discovered a figure growing invisible against the darkening sky. It was calling to me.

Should I go?
Should I interrupt my walk for such madness?
Was it wise to make such a departure?

The answer was obvious.
Yes. Just go.

I crossed the street, the grass, and the foot tall plastic barrier that seperated the two of us. As I got closer I saw the structure was green. It held four swings - two for babies, two for "big kids". I opted for the one furthest to the left and chose to face the lake.

While rocking back and forth I got this strange sense of peace. The water was calm and beautiful. There were tall skinny trees in front of me that framed an amazing view. Green grass ran into blue water that became blackened houses. It was hard to tell if the flashes in the sky were lightning or created by one of the neighbours setting off fireworks in their backyard.

I remembered Gareth telling me that I have a "stop and smell the roses" thing and realized that delaying a walk to swing on a dark summer night was the perfect example of what he meant. The little things. It's all about the little things.

For a moment I wished I wasn't by myself, but abandoned that thought quickly because the moment would've been wasted. I've learned physical presence of another person doesn't guarantee their emotional understanding. The next urge was to call somebody, but most people would think I was crazy. "Hey _____, I'm sitting here on a swing and all seems right with the world, just had to share" seemed like a waste of a phone call.

Better to continue enjoying the moment alone.

I kept swinging until my limbs, sore from old age and a trip to the gym, couldn't take anymore. I slowed a bit and jumped off.

I remember when I was little and used to jump off the swings. There was always so much nervous anticipation. I knew I was coming down; gravity guaranteed that. Yet it always took a few seconds to build up the courage to do it.

What if I slipped?
What if I somehow got caught in the swing?
What if I hurt myself?

In actuality, the hesitation was more likely to cause injury than anything else. Sucking it up, letting go, and just jumping off was always the best choice. And as a reward, for a few brief seconds, I got to feel like I was flying. That was more than worth the risk.

These days I don't fly as high or fall as far as I used to, but I still pause and take a deep breath before I let go...

Captured At:2340