You'd think with the lack of studying I've had to do I would've posted something sooner. I forgot that this is a prime time for people to look for distractions and I'm just not providing them. I'm very sorry.

Today's post gets its inspiration from cleaing out my yahoo! mailbox, specifically the sent items. Hidden among a billion emails about SPAC tickets from last summer, emails to/from nick, and surveys which might be fun to post up here, I stumbled upon this little gem from January of 2001. Yea, it's a long time ago.

Anyway, the email went off to Kylie and went a little something like this:

I remember the night I sent that email. I can see what was going on in my head. I was at Nick's house. It was still "the new place" at the time. We hadn't even been together a month at that point, but I was stupidly happy. We'd followed what seemed like a natural progression. Little did we know what was waiting for us down the road.

I miss being able to be completely oblivious.

I'm talking to Gareth right now about how there are things in life you just know. For whatever reason, something in the back of your mind clicks and you get a feeling that tells you something is right or wrong, going to happen or not going to happen.

The problem is that sometimes you still think you know better. You think and think and think and something comes along that shakes that thing you know. And you can try and forget that you know it. You can pretend that it doesn't exist. You can overanalyze every thought, every action, every interation, every situation, and can even convince yourself that you know better. But you don't. In the end it always comes back.

And it stinks. I've "known" things before. I tried to fight what I knew and it only caused more pain along the way.

I wonder how fine the line is between what you "know" and what you're trying hard to believe. It's funny how when I "know" something that's negative I don't question it, but when it's positive I doubt it constantly.

I always did think too much.

Anyways, I know a lot of people are getting ready to head out of here for the summer. I hope you all have a great vacation and make it safely to wherever you're going.

Captured At: 135

Four down, one to go...

I was originally going to write about how weird it was to go to graduation today and see so many people I started here with become alumni. However it dawned on me that I didn't compile a list of "things bec learned."

Following a similar pattern as the last one...

Things I learned in class this semester:

• Threads: they're not just for sewing anymore.
• When inviting your fellow philosopher buddies to dinner, make sure there are enough chopsticks for all of you. Life is much easier when everyone can eat at the same time.
• Lost? Confused? Run man.
• When using a readLn() command, always make sure you've included an escape character at the end of the line.
• You've gotta love the sound of software crashing in the morning.
• No plugin? No problem. Maxscript the sucker!
• You cannot buy three mushrooms in Italy.
• Need a hole? There are a variety of strategies for picking the best one.
• Several aspects of Network Programming can be compared to marriage.
• Several aspects of Operating Systems can be compared to the shuttle...especially 2 days after a disaster.
• Want to know what it's like to be a software tester? Watch Lord of the Rings.
• Some teachers will pay you 5 bucks for a ride to the corner. Who's picking them up from there is anybody's guess.

You see what happens when your courseload consists of computer classes? If you've been in any of them, chances are you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The stuff that you don't learn in class though, that's usually more fun...

• Frisbee is a great way to kill time, even if you suck at it.
• Making friends with underclassmen has the potential to get you a whole lot of free food.
• No matter how much my foosball skills have improved, I still score on myself from time to time.
• "I wanna go back....to the island...."
• The theory that says you should give some one as much respect as they give others is great and all, but it's missing something very important. Respect is earned. If you don't respect some one because you feel they don't respect you, it's entirely your problem.
• If there's a rumor Buffett will be at Margaritaville, drop what you're doing and go. It's amazing.
• "Turns out not where but who you're with that really matters."
• In the end, the good people will still get what they deserve.
• People are quick to accuse others of things they do themselves.
• Don't say "I'm never going to do that." Given the right circumstances you just might.
• Lava lamps can be a great distraction.
• So can Rubik's Cubes.
• You don't truly understand Waffle House until you go with Dave.
• Just because there's a "no inappropriate clothing, language, or gestures" rule doesn't mean people will listen. College students are not tasteful.
• I have formed a new friendship with Captain Morgan.
• Late night trips to the beach are still one of the best things ever.
• It's okay to listen to the little voice inside of you every now and again.
• I am very lucky to have been given such a wonderful family.
• Winning the election is just the first step.
• People have a lot of confidence in me. It helps.
• You can only take people's crap for so long. At some point you have to find some one who can do something about it and hope that they do.
• Check your voicemail often. There are some things you don't need to hear days after the fact.
• I have a good sense of direction. If I didn't I'd probably still be driving around Illinois.
• You have the potential to make a difference in some one's life, and very well may have without even realizing it.
• People seem to think I'm oblivous to my flaws, but I know them better than you could ever imagine. You may think you're on to something, but there's very little you could tell me that I haven't already told myself.
• Don't let things go to your head. If it gets too big, you'll fall over.
• No matter how many times you try and get a point across, there are some things a person has to learn for them self.

Captured At:1618

The New Debate...

The following is a segment from an im conversation I had recently that earned away message status:

(01:31:04) Gareth: :-) sleep, so much better than everything else
(01:31:40) bec: well
(01:31:42) bec: i dunno
(01:31:46) bec: sleep is a wonderful thing
(01:32:00) bec: but there are definitely some things worth losing sleep for

Well now people are leaving me messages that say they vote for sleep. Let me reiterate here that I am a big fan of sleep. I do a lot of it as often as I can; always have. But there are some things I've given up sleeping for that have been worth it. So in no particular order, I present you with

Things bec will give up sleep for

• Pulling an all nighter - the obvious choice for the college student. Granted procrastination probably landed me in the situation, but if staying up all night is the only way to get the work done, sleep will have to wait and the loss of it, if I'm lucky, will be rewarded with a good grade.
  
• Taking care of a friend - whether they're sick, emotionally distraut, can't sleep, or are too drunk to move. I Consider it my job. Being "friend" means I'm there for them no matter what, and I know they'd do the same for me.
  
• Good Conversation - I never really set out to stay up late talking to some one, but on the occasions I have I learned things that were far more valuable than any dream I could've had in that time. Sure I'll be tired as hell the next day, but to form a new connection with some one like that happens rarely.
  
• The Beach - It's a great place to watch those meteor showers that are supposed be bigger than any of their kind for the next hundred years. It's also a great place to relax and take some "me" time. Most of my beach trips occur between the hours of 11pm and 3am when most people are asleep or getting there. Adding good friends and/or good conversation to this only makes it more worthwhile.
  
• Thinking - I'm a very introspective person and I come to some of my most important revelations at night. I think a sense of self is invaluable, and if it's gained by staying up tossing ideas around in my head or writing them down, it's very worth it. Being able to say those things is different (I'm trying, really), but knowing is still the first step.
  

Captured At:1402

If I don't get in my car for the next month I won't care. Don't get me wrong, Milo's great and all but I'm just tired of driving. As I say all of this it dawns on me that TJ's driving to Kansas tomorrow. Now that's gonna be one hell of a trip.

My room is a disaster area. Liz wanted the apartment clean before I left so I sacrificed the livability of my room for the general good of the common areas. Laundry to fold and put away, unpacking, filtering through all the papers and junk on my desk...yep I've got a lot of fun stuff to do today.

Yesterday when mom woke me up she tried to tell me I had a fever and would have to stay longer. Oh, and darnit, she'd have to miss work to take care of me. :) I know she didn't want us to leave, but we'll be back and she can come visit anytime.

I think I'm feeling better today. I fell asleep last night with a cough drop in my mouth and now my tongue is a funny red color. Yay cherry menthol.

I really should go through my email, but it's hard to get excited about 13 missed words of the day, 27 posts to fitforum, and 7 messages in my inbox that lately only contains junkmail. I don't know who put my fit account on the trash lists, but when I find you, you'll be sorry.

That said, I think I'm going to raid the kitchen for anything that looks edible, shower, clean, and unpack...although not necessarily in that order.

As a parting thought, thanks to the following:
- Bryan for the comic relief
- Liz for making me look dead sexy ;)
- My grandparents and Kylie for giving me places to crash
- Uncle Tom, Grandpa Jack, and Kylie's parents for making sure I didn't go hungry in the great NorthEast
- Gareth for the random phone call (everyone knows those are the best kind)
- Dave, Derek, and Melissa for keeping me occupied on the road
- And last, but definitely not least, my parents just for being who they are

What can I say, you all take good care of me.

I feel so loved. :)

Captured At:1120

...can't find a better man...

It was bound to come up sooner or later. People have inquisitive minds. There were going to be questions stemming from a desire to know and understand exactly what happened; exactly what did make things different this time.

The answer was simple. Things were said that proved all too clearly just how doomed of a situation it was. Everyone, myself included, knew that. What made it different was the way that I felt. The situation is different because my feelings are different.

And you know what? His feelings are different too. He doesn't want it back any more than I do. Going another round hasn't even been a consideration.

I told him that's how I knew this was really it. I told him that it seems he's finally reached the point that I'd been hoping he would for so long. I can't tell you where he'll go from here, but I still hope he gets everything out of life that he ever wanted.

Then they ask if there's anyone else. Where am I going from here?

I think I'm a pretty rational person. Common sense says that having just gotten out of a very long and tumultuous relationship I don't need another. Anyone could understand that.

They say I need to figure out what I want so that the next time some one comes around I know what I'm looking for. Maybe that was my biggest problem with the last one. I wasn't looking for a relationship. I had no grasp of the concept.

I think I plunged into a relationship that was more intense than I'd anticipated. In a sense, I had what a lot of girls would dream of. I always felt I was on a pedestal. I was showered with attention and affection. He was the "nice guy" who always held the doors and never let me pay for anything. He would do just about anything for me. But on the flipside of that were expectations of things I could never commit to. Me? Make another person my entire world? I couldn't do it. He wanted me to. Afterall, no relationship I have will ever work until I can learn to do that in some capacity.

Liz once told me that I will change, but not because I've been asked to. She says when the right person comes along it will just happen. I can see some truth to that statement.

Some of my friends think I'm changing now. They pick on me because they see things happening that for one reason or another seem out of character. I'm not sure there's a person to "blame" for this as much as I find myself at a point where I'm working to accept the things I can't change. They would probably tend to disagree, but that's okay.

How do I know that?

Because, although it's not of the same nature as the last, there is another relationship. It's one that's received massive speculation and, in part, helped lead to the demise of the other because I couldn't let it go. It started in an unlikely manner and from there built into a friendship that, from my perspective, is so full of love, respect, support, compassion, acceptance, and trust that I can't compare anything else to it.

Some would consider that statement transparent. It's why they say what they do. It's why Nick said he's waiting to hear we're together and why the fact that we're not leads to statements about how I'm taking my sweet time. Yet it may never be anything more than what it is.

I remember saying on a few occasions that if I could've combined what used to be the two most important guys in my life I wouldn't have any problems. Take the relationship I have with Derek, throw in the hopless devotion Nick had when we started (toned down a bit of course), and I'd have the best of both worlds.

And maybe that's a good summation of what I want, at least for this point in my life. I need to be in an environment that has love, trust, respect, acceptance, and devotion; an environment that allows for freedom and independence - within reason of course - and functions whether the people involved see eachother every hour of every day or don't talk for more than five minutes over the course of two or three. Laughter is essential, so it has to be fun. Playful is good, but it doesn't necessarily have to be sexual in nature. There needs to be a mutual understanding that out of sight is not out of mind, choosing to stay the night doesn't mean you're interested in more than sleep, and that choosing to sleep alone doesn't mean there's a problem. There needs to be a level of flexibility, willingness to compromise, and strong lines of communication. I suppose it wouldn't hurt if being with each other gave a bit of an "all is right with the world" feeling either.

Part of me says that seems obvious, but at the same time, it's not. I suppose that happens with generalizations. And the above by no means covers it all. There are little things too, but I can't really give you all the answers, now can I? ;)

For now I think I'm going to worry about enjoying what I do have in my life and not worry about what else could be there. I have a feeling I can't shake that's telling me to just sit still and wait and all will be as it should. Who knows, maybe there's something going on behind the scenes that I know absolutely nothing about.

Captured At:1511