What a week this is turning out to be....

It's ironic how the things you expect the most out of always seem to let you down.

Maybe I just had too many expectations going into this week, I don't know, but it seems I've screwed myself because of one bad judgement call.

I'm now screwing up things left and right and am not sure how the important ones at the end of the week are going to be any different.

My mind is churning over so many things and I'm trying so hard to just keep moving forward, but it's getting more and more difficult. My fears only grow stronger and the days only longer and none of the ends want to meet.

I would like a happy ending.

I would like it to all work out.

I just wish I could wake up one day and have all the things I always dreamed I would.

It always feels like something is missing. I have so much, and yet it still doesn't seem to be enough. I'm loved, hated, respected, envied, surrounded by people who care, and yet none of it makes a difference.

I think too much. That's the problem. I just don't know how to make it stop. But even if I could, can you help the way you feel?

Captured At:1036

I used to stand in an empty room.

There wasn't much to look at besides four white walls, but with nothing else there my imagination ran wild with the possibilities.

Sometimes we get too caught up inside our own heads; at least I do. So naturally it was bound to happen that one day, out of nowhere, I discovered I wasn't alone.

It was nice for a while, but on and off I'd wish I still had the room to myself. It seemed so small now that I had to share it, but I couldn't be mean and say, "You! Out!"

It tends to follow that once two people are in a room a third person walking by will poke their head in, see what's going on, and maybe even invite them self in to stay a bit.

There are a few I had invited for a visit. Some left. Some didn't. Some went and came back. Some started fighting over the room forgetting it was mine. Some I kicked out, felt guilty about, and let back in. They became the hardest to get rid of.

More and more people filed in. The room felt smaller than ever. I slowly moved toward the far corner. Sometimes I was more accepting of the fact that I had to share. There were a few who made this pleasant. There were others who made it difficult.

A few times people tried to repaint. Having white walls didn't appeal to them at all and they thought they could do better. Wrestling away rollers and brushes took a lot of energy.

Some got daring and brought furniture. They wanted the room to be more comfortable. They wanted it to feel like home. I fought with them demanding they get it out, but when they didn't listen I was forced to take it upon myself. The lamps and end tables went easy. The couches were a different matter altogether. This took even more energy.

Today I have fit more people in my tiny little room than I ever imagined. It's nice because there's always company, but it's getting hard to breathe.

I see ungrateful people who have gotten so caught up with how wonderful they think the room is that they fail to notice the splotches of paint on the walls and scuffmarks on the floors. Every blemish is a scar; a sign of the damage caused by too many people not caring.

And I wish I knew how to clear everyone out so I could get inside, repaint, and start all over again. Among those who would gladly help me there are some who I'd take up on the offer and there are others who need to find another room to play in for a while.

Most importantly, I wish there was some one on the outside who I could explain my situation to that would know how to fix it. They'd know how to make the room shine like it once did. They'd know how I could keep the right people in and get the wrong people out.

I'm slowly losing hope that they'll come. I'm slowly realizing I'm going to have to figure that out myself. I'm slowly seeing that this will be the hardest part.

So for now I'm going to contine hiding in the corner, looking through the people who obscure the view of what it is I want to see.

Captured At:2129

"Find yourself a lover who will glue you to the floor..."

I love bringing back old away messages that people don't remember; especially ones with such shock factor. Credit for this one goes to Mr. Buffett for a happy little song called "Love and Luck."

The chorus says, "with a little love and luck you will get by," and today I'm totally feeling it. Despite all the reasons I have to feel bad I actually feel good. Everything I could be dwelling on, while not completely out of mind, is fairly quiet.

I've heard a few things today that made me stop and think. There were also a few occasions where I had to hold my tongue from making a joke that was better not being said. Things that never phased me much before are now getting a second thought before I respond to them; I have to watch myself. Who would've ever guessed? Life is funny like that I suppose.

That was quite a digression. Anyway, back to the song...

I can smile and agree with this. I do have both things I need to get by...

Love: I am surrounded by people who care about me - people who feed me lunch because they have big meal plans; people who listen to me when there are things on my mind, people who call me and im me and stop over to wish me luck; people who sing songs at me when I win elections; people who can sit with me and without saying anything make me feel better; people who can talk with me about anything and everything for hours and hours without any real reason; the list
goes on. I have a loving family who will do things like take me shopping for nice clothes when my nearly 22 year old butt is still too incompetant to do it. They send care packages and call every now and again just to check up.

Luck: I have never really considered myself a lucky person. When it comes to chance I seem to get the wrong end of the wishbone. Yet if I step back and look at the big picture, I'm actually very fortunate. All those people who show me I'm loved are people I'm lucky to have. Some people go their whole lives without knowing what it's like to be loved. I have a supportive and wonderful family. A good head was put on my shoulders. I'm not diseased or deformed or disabled. I have few wants in the world. I know how to appreciate the small
things in life that most people overlook - I don't think there's a single time a day that began with me driving over the causeway to happy music has been bad or a single late night trip to the beach that hasn't made me feel peace.

So now, with all the love and luck in mind, it's time to tackle some homework.

Goodnight all.

Captured At:2151

Killing time....

I know, I know, what did it ever do to me?

Lots actually, but that's beside the point.

So I'm sitting up here in the Ambassador office and I'm feeling terribly nostalgic. I was thinking about how we should be good neighbors and sign a card of congratulations for our neighbors, FITSSFF, who won the Rising Start Student Organization award. Their president also won Rising Star Student Leader. He's a good kid, has been working hard, and totally deserves it.

One of the things I like the most about us having an office is that it has given us the chance to get to know people we never would have otherwise. We keep the 2nd floor of the SUB fun and occupied. It's weird to think that next year while everyone's partying over here as always I'll be in an office on the other side of the building worrying about an entirely different organization.

My last meeting as Ambassador President is tonight. Kandy will run the next one. It's very weird when I think how much different my role in that group is going to become. I'd like to keep a weekly tour and I'll be there for all the guidance in the world because I care about the group to death, but I have such bigger things to take on now.

I keep hoping the student body made the right decision and that I am going to do good things for the campus. That's not to say I haven't had an impact already. I've gotten some positive feedback from some of the least likely sources and it means so much, but I still get into these modes where I look at myself and go "who the hell am I? I'm nothing. How could anyone think any differntly?"

Who would've guessed that bec of all people suffers from a lack of self confidence, self esteem, and self worth?

It's an amazingly stupid concept when you look at it. I have so much to be proud of and so many reasons for my ego to be through the roof.

It really is funny how life works out. We don't have any way of knowing what the point of any of it is. The only thing we do know is that somehow we have to keep going. We get to fight the battle between hopes and fears, thoughts and feelings, dreams and reality...

Dave's got me listening to "Unwell" by Matchbox 20. Lyrically it is 150% a friend of mine. Musically it just makes me reflective. I don't know how to explain further than that.

I woke up knowing today was going to be a bad day. Sometimes you just know it's going to be like that and all you can do is wait for the reason to reveal itself. I didn't get much sleep last night. I talked to Nick. I got pissed with my computer. I decided pajamas required too much effort and just flopped into bed. Today my head isn't screwed on just right, probably because of all of that.

And at the same time I read all of that I keep saying that it's only 130 and it still has the potential to be a good day. I wish I wasn't always so conflicted.

I remember telling Nick once that being me was a constant battle. That my personality lends itself to being two different things at the same time and that everything I say and do is a matter of which one is winning out at the moment.

I think I'll leave you today with lyrics for a damn fine tune off of Buffett's "Beach House on the Moon" that I'm definitely feeling right about now.

Pacing the Cage

Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it's pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you've lived too long
The days drip slowly on the page
And you catch yourself
Pacing the cage

I've proved who I am so many times,
The magnetic strip's worn thin
And each time I was someone else
And everyone was taken in.
Powers chatter in high places
Stir up eddies in the dust of rage
Set me to pacing the cage.

I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything.
All that I could pillage
All the spells that I could sing
It's as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later you'll wind up
Pacing the cage

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend.
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend.
Today these eyes scan bleached-out land,
For the coming of the outbound stage
Pacing the cage...

Captured At:1340

Why Am I awake?

I've been up since just before 930. I don't have class till 11. I'm never up this early and I didn't get to sleep until after 2am. This isn't right.

It's funny how on the same wavelength two people can be sometimes. Take a look at Bry's comment to the last post:

"........wish my life could be as interesting and random as yours. save some for me, or take it all and get some great stories."

I've been looking at this past year and find myself wondering how next year could even begin to compete.

Cool Things I got to do:

• My first trip to a shuttle launch, at night, from three freaking miles away!


• Take Derek to his first DMB show


• Celebrate my "birthday" at Margaritaville with my "twin brother"


• Go to Key West during Spring Break...and I need to go back so bad...


• Celebreate Angie's birthday at Margaritaville


• Go to Subway with Dave at insanely late hours of the night and watch him get harassed by the girl behind the counter


• My first Limo ride, to and from Orlando and a kickass concert by a band I'd never seen before


• My first journey into the central time zone...Yay Missouri and Illinois


• See Jimmy Buffett at Margaritaville from about 20 ft. away. "We'll be dancin when we go...."


• Kill lots and lots of hours in the Ambassador Office. Sure it sounds dull, but unless you've been up there you have no idea


• Develop the ability to play foosball to some level above total suckage


• Late night beach trips. I've always done these, but there are a few from this year that are still fresh in my mind.


• Run Homecoming. I'm going to miss this next year, but I know it's in very capable hands. Knock 'em dead Liz...


• Kill a few Sundays sipping Margaritas and BBQ'ing


• Become more acquainted with a Southern tradition called "Waffle House". They're Dave's people....

I know there's more, but that's all I can come up with right now and I have to get ready for class. It's presentation day. Let's hope we do well enough that we get excused from the final...

Captured At:1000

"At any given moment in time we are what we are"

Ahhh.....

Another night, another trip to the beach, another meteor shower on the list, another handful of shooting stars to add to the collection. Does it get much better than this?

I think not.

I'm not quite sure what threw me in the present state of mind, but I was dubbed a "wise sage" earlier this evening. I guess I sort of stepped back and looked at life, and used that outlook to get me through some things that could've been bad otherwise.

It's funny how I can see a bunch of things to be upset about right now, yet I'm happy. I don't know where it came from, but I'm hoping it sticks around for a little bit.

I'm full of this feeling that no matter what it throws my way I'm going to succeed in living my life. Sometimes you just know things. This is one of them.

I keep getting distracted from writing this post by my lava lamp. Looking at it I see it as representation of life. I'll let you ponder the philosophical thought behind that one, but if you think for a second, it really does make perfect sense.

I feel...relaxed. Yes, relaxed. Almost entirely at peace as well. It's a wonderful feeling.

Captured At: 312

So it's official...

Last night I was installed as Student Government President. Naturally this brought up the question of what it is I want to be called. A sect of CP has been calling me "el Presidente", several people have gone with "Madam President", but Dr. Catanese says I should settle for nothing less than "Your Highness".

I found all of this kind of funny since Liz was saying yesterday that she needs a title for herself. She's VP for CP now, and I believe she said the president is calling himself "the sultan."

Yesterday I noticed that when I go to campus I seem to come home with one of two things - a new bottle cap from my most recent iced tea, or a bottle of Dasani. I'm not quite sure how this happens, but I'm noticing them popping up in some rather odd places. I have a cupholder full of bottle caps in my car and there are 3 bottles of water within the limits of my eyesight right now.

I know....I have issues....

Captured At: 955