It's such a lazy rainy day. I'm hoping all of break isn't like this because I'd like to be able to enjoy a little sunshine.

I'm trying to get myself motivated to do some long overdue cleaning. No one blames me for being as tired as I have been for the last week or so, but there comes a point where you have to try to suck it up and keep moving.

I was in zombie mode yesterday. I'm hoping I saved myself from failing my network programming midterm because I sent him one of my projects with enough time for him to tell me it wasn't what he wanted and still be able to redo it.

Unfortunately I can't say I think my interview went too well. I haven't been on that side of the table in quite a while. Part of me wants to believe it was okay and I have a shot at a second one, but the other part of me thinks I completely blew it. The two people who intervied me seemed really nice, but they were a bit hard to read and I have no idea if they thought it was worth their time to talk to me or a complete waste. Oh well, such is life.

So I've been sitting here for the last few hours watching TV. "A League of Their Own" was on so I decided to kill some time and watch it again.

One of the things that always stood out to me was the ongoing battle between the two sisters. While I'm not the younger sibling, I've always been able to relate to having the sister who was what everyone wanted. I always felt I came in second to the girl who was smart and beautiful and loved by everybody that could seemingly do no wrong. I also always liked the way the movie portrayed that no matter what went on between the two - the ups or the downs - they always had a mutual love of and respect for the other.

Over the years I've slowly started to realize that I have my own merits as a person. I still feel like she's the favorite a lot of the time and that I'm always in second, but I know that with certain things she feels the same way about me. Still, in my eyes she'll always be this wonderful, beautiful, amazing person that I would be lost without.

See....I can be sweet. :)

I really want my sunglasses. Part of me is afraid to clean my room because when I don't find them here I'm going to be really upset. There's still no sign of them at Derek's. :(

I think I'm going to take advantage of the fact that it's rainy and get some paper towels to clean the random junk off my car. You know you're jealous. :P

Captured At:1712

That's when I swallowed the hook...

Wow is best word I've been able to use to describe my trip down to Key West over the weekend.

Driving through the keys was beautiful. You have crystal blue/green water on both sides of the road as you go down, and on the day I was driving there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The only thing I was thinking between cursing at drivers going under the speed limit on a two lane road was how amazing the view was.

Cars, helicopters, sailboats, planes....it seemed they were all headed down to Key West with me.

The house everyone was staying in was really cool. If you walked around the back side it took you to the pool. The staircase to get upstairs was of the spiral variety and located outside next to it. The place had four rooms, two bathrooms, and plenty of floor space.

Within an hour of my arrival a group of us went off to Kelly's for some drinks and appetizers, and then headed to Mallory Square for the sunset celebration.

The square was full of performers doing everything from singing to juggling to walking high wires near the water. The view out over the ocean was beautiful. The sun set behind some clouds that night. At one point a group of people walked over and a girl in the group said "well, it's gone." To this, one of the guys in her group replied "no, this is the best part."

I've decided anyplace where people gather just to watch the sunset is cool with me.

We wandered around for a bit after that stopping in a shop or two and ooohing and aaaahing at some of the performers gathered around the area. We hit the Conch Republic for dinner around nine and killed time outside waiting for our table. After we ate we went back to the house for a bit before going out to Duval Street again.

We didn't stay out that long though. Everyone else had been down either before or earlier in the week so they were a little tired of the walking back and forth thing. My stomach was killing me from this nasty drink I got so I went home and passed out.

Key West, as I found out the next day, is a completely different place during the day. The streets aren't as crowded, the bars aren't as packed, and everyone's much more chill and relaxed. It was another day where there wasn't a cloud in the sky to protect you from the heat of the sun.

Aside from being south and having a nightlife, I thought it was a pretty cool town. I love the style of the houses and walking down the streets seeing businesses in this old buildings reminded me a bit of Schenectady.

I kept getting lost in my surroundings. I was trying to take in as much as possible, but I know there's no way I got it all. It was easy to find myself starring off at the sailboats or watching the waves. I felt relaxed and content.

Granted I had an almost six hour drive home after I dropped a group off at the airport for a flight of about two hours, but I got another look at the keys as I drove through, cursing under my breath at the horrible drivers all the way.

My final conclusion is that I need to go back to Key West and stay there longer. The time I was there simply wasn't enough.

Captured At:1003

"In the mornin' when you rise, aren't you glad to be alive?"

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by "no" responses when I post the above as an away message. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by the number of people who are upset that spring break is over. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by the fact that it's Monday and no one wants to be doing anything.

But me, well, I woke up on the right side of the bed this morning I guess. While I enjoyed break I'm glad it's done. Taking a rest has now made me anxious to get my stuff finished so I can have a good summer vacation. I'm happy.

I love living in Florida. I have yet to spend a summer in the sweltering heat, but I don't know how I'm going to be able to leave this place when the time comes.

Damnit, I have the hiccups again!

Well, I suppose I'll try to get rid of these and move on to my other work for the day. It's hot in here too.....need air conditioning...

Captured At:1408

Always the crowd pleaser....

Lisita dear, I'm sorry I couldn't provide you with your desired distractions. Next time you have an exam coming up let me know and I'll make up some sort of stupid story for you to read so you may accomplish your goal of ultimate procrastination, okay?

Along the lines of pleasing the masses, I'm considering doing something I said I wasn't going to do. I wanted to relax next year and enjoy myself. I'll have a low course load and I was going to drop most of my activities.

Then there was Student Government and everyone asking me to run for president. They don't like the guy who's openly running and I'm hoping he's not the only one going up for it. Russell was like "you ran against me, why aren't you running?"

So I'm in a quandary as to whether I give in, run, and potentially win (several people seem to think I would), or whether I sit back and let some one else do it for a change.

Candidate forms are due Friday. I have 2 days to make a decision.

Add to this the fact that my interview with Microsoft is the day they announce the winner. I'll be out of town on election day and won't know the results till I come home. How do you campaign if you're not around during elections?

Anyhow, I'm still in debate about this and have added it to my list. I've had so many words and phrases and thoughts and such floating around in my head lately. I had a dream last night that was particularly disturbing. Granted it's not the first of it's kind, but they really need to go away.

I've just been informed that despite dropping the class my Italian teacher is still badmouthing me. Does he not think word is going to get back to me? Does he not realize how many people on this campus I know?

Maybe when I swing by the President's office today to give a tour to his special guest I'll ask what the best way is to lodge slander and harassment complaints against a professor is.

Anyway, it's time for food and a tour and senior design stuff. I'd like to get this program polished off real quick; I have too much stuff that has to be done by the beginning of next month to continue putzing around with things and accomplishing nothing...

Captured At:1310

I feel so off. I can't explain it, but something just hasn't been right lately.

I'm trying to recall what I did with myself all day Friday...

Oh yeah, I slept a lot...until the afternoon sometime. When I finally got to campus all of the short stops I had to make at various places turned into 20, 30, 40 minute conversations. I wish I knew how to curb that a bit.

I was also informed that my Italian teacher is still at it. I'm still inept and play with my "calculator" too much. ::sigh:: It's a PDA. So I found my way to the President's office and asked what the proper way to lodge a complaint against a professor is. She gave me the names of everyone going all the way up the chain that I can go see. "If you don't get satisfaction from him, go see _______." I'm done playing this stupid game. It should have stopped when I dropped the class.

It appears I'm running against two other people for SG President. Several people have already put themselves at my disposal for campaigning purposes which is really cool. I should probably pool them together so we can figure out a plan of attack.

I went to Greek Week skits. Most of them were stupid, just like last year. Instead of a winner I think they just determined who sucked the least. With the exception of the Pikes, who did an awesome spoof of Monty Python & the Holy Grail, these people need to learn some creativitiy and how to make a joke. There were so many attempted shots at people and groups that either fell flat on their face or just plain weren't funny.

I spent the rest of the night with Adam. I wasn't in a very good mood and got snippy with a few people, but you can only take so much of the same old crap before you get irritated with it. I'm allowed to have an off day. The world doesn't need to continually point it out to me.

It also didn't help that during skits Nick asked how my meeting was and I realized I'd missd my 2pm. So then on top of having an off day I got to feel like a total slacker.

Yesterday all I wanted to do was sleep. I was tired the entire day and am still not sure how I made it until 3am. More impressive is the fact that I didn't get into a car accident with all the driving around I did.

Apparently I was still feeling guilty about Friday. I had this awful dream last night that I walked into my class late, sat down, and was immediately asked for an update on our progress, which I was unable to give.

I got some sort of scolding about how I needed to get with my partner and get some real work done. I was then called to the front of the room to demonstrate this side project I was supposed to have been working on. It was really bizarre and involved clicking on animations to make them do the chicken dance. So I'm up there on my laptop with the class watching the program go nuts and I suddenly burst into this huge confession, all whispered of course, about how I can't get my act together and that I'm trying so hard but it seems like everything I'm doing is wrong and I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it anymore and so on. The teacher then tells me it's okay and that I'm doing the best I can and the thing I've worked on is perfect and I shouldn't worry about it, blah blah blah.

If anyone out there is into dream analysis and would like to fill me in on what the hell this all means I'd be more than happy to listen.

Captured At:1313

"I know I'm never wasting time, taking the right way home...."

Sometimes, when you least expect it, something comes your way that makes you feel good among a world of things that have made you feel bad.

I got one of the sweetest emails I have ever received from an ambassador telling me that no matter what happened, he knows how much work Liz and I have put into the organization and into the campus as a whole. He had very kind words to say about both of us and it was one of those instances where you look at what's in front of you and realize that you have done something right.

After I shared it with Liz she told me she has also received similar words of appreciation.

While I know my friends have been saying this all along, somtimes it doesn't hit home until it comes from a source you never expected.

Liz said that as much as what happened hurts, and as easy as it is to see all the things that went wrong with this year, there are plenty that went right and it feels good to know that everything the two of us have accomplished were done farily. We could've played sneaky and underhanded if we wanted, we figured out a million ways we could have, but we chose not to.

I guess Melissa is right. We are better than that. And knowing we did everything the way we were supposed to and refused to sink to the level of the people trying to take us down is worth more than any award or title we could ever be given.

I've tried to keep reminding myself that everything does happen for a reason and works out exactly the way it was meant to in the end. Life is funny like that, but I've seen too much of it working out that way to protest it. Who knows the real rhyme or reason for anything?

As many times as I wish I knew why things were happening or how they were going to work out, I suppose that takes away from the whole learning cycle that is life. You have to make your mistakes. You have to have your ups and downs. You have to have your moments in the sunlight and your moments hiding in the shadows. People are going to love you and people are going to hate you. Some people won't make a judgement call and others just don't care.

But it's all part of living. You have to have those moments and those people in order to understand exactly what it is you were put on this earth to figure out.

All of the people in my life, both the good and the bad, have taught me so much about life and myself and what it means to be a good person. The people I have despised most in my life are, in actuality, some of the people I should thank the most. They forced me to rise above them and showed me what I never wanted to be. In some ways I've succeeded and in others I have a long way to go. But I know this, and continue to work to be the person that I want me to be.

Captured At:1450

My life is a mixture of jingles and jangles...

Bec on School: No matter how motivated you are, it's hard to accomplish anything when you don't know what to do. All the work I wanted to tackle this weekend has sat there mostly because I haven't been given enough direction on where to go with it. It's incredibly frustrating that I'm trying to do well and am getting no help. I pick it up, stress over it for an hour or so, make no progress, and put it back down.

Bec on her friends: I think the quote that sums them up best is one that I've also used in regards to my family. "They're weirdos....but, they're nice weirdos." Even though it was yesterday, happy birthday one more time to Angie.

Bec on Birthdays: They always make me feel old. I'm already so many years older than I ever wanted to be. The next one I have rolling around is 22. That's a terrifying thought.

Bec on Music: So many different kinds. So many different songs. So many different memories. I just get lost sometimes and I'm not quite sure what manages to bring me back. I have this really irritating habit that if a song comes on that reminds me very strongly of something, nothing else matters anymore. This really pisses off people trying to carry on conversations with me. Liz has always hated trying to talk to me when I've got music on. I know I've pissed off Nick, and I know I've gone so randomly quiet on Derek that he didn't know what to do with me. I can't help it though. If you could see the things that come so vividly back into my head, or suddenly got swept with the rush of feelings that always seem to come back could you do anything but just stop and let them run their course?

Bec on Taking Responsibility for Your Actions : I wish more people did this. I wish more people could stand up and say "Yea, I did that. It was pretty stupid come to think of it, but I did it anyway and I'm sorry." I've gotten a lot better at this over the years. I realize it does not make things better by any stretch of the imagination, but you have to learn to do it. Why? Becuase then you can say that you tried to atone for what you've done. Then you can say you tried to recover from your mistakes the best you could. For as long as I can remember my mom was always very big on stressing the lyric "Don't ever forget that you just may wind up being wrong," from Buffett's "Manana" to me. I think lack of this realization is what causes failure on the part of most people to take responsibility for the things they've done. I think they're also a bit afraid it'll fall on deaf ears. Many times when I have done this it has, but in turn it's shown me the true colors of the person I was dealing with. People who want to stay bitter and like to find reasons to hate you never try and make things better. Their life isn't complete if they don't have something to complain about, and if you're all they've got, there's no way they'll fix it. All I can say is that you have to try no matter what the outcome.

Bec on being Bec : The question has been asked and debated. Can you ever be "just bec"? Well not you, but me? I don't know where along the way being me was this wonderful, glorious thing. It's funny to hear statements people make about me and my life and assume that I've got it all worked out. I've never had anything worked out though. I would love to know what people really see when they look at me; what they think when they hear me mentioned. Be it love or hate or what. I would just love to know because I just don't understand. As stupid as it sounds, I'd love some one to just tear one into me. Sure it would hurt like mad, but if I knew what people think is wrong I could work to fix it and make it right. I'm big on trying to improve myself.

Bec on Tardiness : I hate being late. I hate being rushed too. Which one wins? Depends on the day. Don't you love internal conflict? That said, I'm going to be late if I don't stop writing and go help pick new Orientation Counselors. Ciao. :)

Captured At:1209

It's Monday.

Monday Sucks.

Even if you're bec.

I haven't quite figured out this fascination with me.

Yesterday in the group interview for potential panther prep leaders I was made fun of in every single Florida Tech Commercial/Skit that was done. I was also included as number three in one group's Top Ten Necessary Things for a Successful Orientation.

I haven't decided if I'm enjoying this or if I'm getting tired of it.

Then Melissa informs me that the guy she works with that she was doing assembly with knows who I am. I couldn't pick this kid out of a crowd if my life depended on it, yet he knows who I am. Melissa always says "Everybody knows bec..." I'm just not quite sure how I don't know them...

And we can't forget that I have people trying to figure out ways I owe them so they can get a favor. I've been asked to help recruit for organizations I'm not even involved in. Not that they're not good organizations, it's just funny to me.

But what is it?

Where does all of this come from?

What did I ever do?

I just don't understand.

I'm me. I'm nobody.

Yet everyone thinks I'm somebody. And they yell at me as I walk across campus. They all joke with me and laugh at me and treat me like I'm something much more than I see. Some take the next step and don't leave it on campus. I get the ims or the phone calls or the occasinally random emails. Some go one step beyond that and read this thing day after day, hour after hour. And for what? To take a look at the life of some one who's been built up as more than they are?

::sigh:: I may never understand.....

Captured At:1035