"In a way we used to play for all the loneliness that nobody notices now..."

I'm currently listening to #41 from my first DMB show ever. I can remember the concert like it was yesterday.

Going into it, part of me really wanted to hear the song and the other was afraid if I did I'd break down crying. You see, it had come to mean so much to me in regards to so many things. There was one point where by the time he reached the second yell I was bawling my eyes out, every time, no question.

As they came on stage for the encore and began playing it I sat down on the blanket we brought - I'd been standing all night - and fought the tears begging to run down my face. I got lost deep inside the music as I tend to do and I didn't know if there was anything that could bring me back.

I'm not sure what did it, but somehow I managed to tell myself that I had to put down all the sadness and all the pain listening to that song reminded me of. And I took all of that, along with a deep breath, and forced myself to my feet.

It wasn't until much later as I stumbled through the internet that I came upon Dave's explanation of the song which said, "it is a song of looking back, but at the same time adamantly looking forward and going, 'But I'm still going to carry on regardless."

That was exactly what I felt that night.

I didn't hear the song again live until 2 years later when I saw Dave and Tim. I froze. I always freeze. It's the one song that the band will play and I'll stand completely still for.

And as I sit here now hearing it again and reliving that moment I think about where I am today. Sometimes I wonder how much different I am from that foolish girl of almost 16.

I think of my present state of mind and once again something related to 41 sums it all up for me.

And that, my friends, is exactly where I am.

Captured At:2102

"I've gotta fly to Saint Somewhere...."

Nick is always telling me that one day he's going to take my phone and throw it away somewhere. He gets tired of it ringing all the time. I'm at the point where I too may need to toss it away somewhere.

Not to say I don't like talking to people, but my phone bill for last month was several times what it should have been and I just can't afford to do that.

Homecoming is next week and I'm starting to feel the pinch already. From here on out it's me going crazy. Things are already getting messed up. Very few of the King and Queen pairs sent us pictures, almost nobody has a lip sync song picked out, one group started fund raising too early and I had to confiscate their money, one group is looking to do a fund raising event whose level of appropriateness has yet to be determined, and a member of the homecoming committee has signed up to be a candidate for Homecoming King.

Then, on top of all the little crises, we have to finish the sashes, do up the rules, we have a meeting to run, questions to answer, people to contact, the list goes on and on and on. I forgot how hectic it was last year; as a co-chair this year I'm going to go even more mad. I told Melissa that after the Homecoming dance I'm either going to sleep out of exhaustion or drink myself silly in celebration. I'll keep ya posted on which one wins out.

I pause to remind everyone that despite the madness, I love my job. :)

Yesterday one of my teachers gave me my weekly evaluation and marked me down for frequent yawning as well as things she claimed I didn't do that I clearly did. I saw her after class to rebutt it. In doing so I told her that I've got an 18 credit semester, 12 of which is graded heavily on projects, that I'm busy, don't get a lot of sleep, and that yawning is an involuntary action I cannot control. Her response was, and I quote, "If you feel the need to yawn you should drop my class."

What the hell is that?

She also said nothing about the things I had done and not gotten credit for; the marks stand. She also says that if I'm that tired I must be spread too thin and should be easing things up for myself anyway.

This was after another hour of Dr. Uhr making fun of me in Italian. I don't get it. I talk and he gets upset. I don't talk and he gets upset. I pay attention and ask questions, he gets upset. I zone out and don't pay attention, he gets upset. The man clearly hates me and I know people are wondering why I signed up for another semester of that torture.

In happier news, I saw Jimmy Buffett at his surprise performance at Margaritaville in Orlando 2 nights ago. It was super cool. I don't feel quite as bad about missing the tour this year, but it's still not the same.

Because we're all broke, a few of us listened to the Orlando show last night at Tom and Derek's. If I recall correctly I'm supposed to go back Thursday too; Chris and I are going to have to sprint out of class.

In other good news, it looks like Derek and Nick may have actually made peace with each other. I know that whole thing has been an odd situation and may never be just right, but at least they're taking steps in the right direction. Derek said that it's actually funny because, when you come right down to it, they're both on the same side - two guys who love me very much and want more than anything to see me happy. He has a point, and seeing that makes me realize I'm very lucky.

Overall though, I think I need a vacation. I need to just take off and go far far away for a little while so I can relax. No phones to bother me, no organizational crises, no stupid teachers telling me to leave their classes over stupid things....

Maybe I should tell Derek that when he finally does take me flying he'll have to make sure we land on some island in the middle of nowhere for a little while.

But until then, I guess I'll have to stick with staring at his refrigerator and a little crayon drawing done one night in Friendly's just for the hell of it....

Captured At:2036

It's over at last...

Wow! What a weekend!

Homecoming 2003 has come to a close and Liz and I can now attempt to collect whatever sanity we have left.

Some things went really right, others went kind of wrong, but to the people on the outside it was wonderful; or so I hear. Most people have been very complementary of the whole thing and think it keeps getting better.

I've been saying for a little while now that this year was my last on the planning committee; that I want to be able to enjoy Homecoming from the side I first experienced it three years ago when I got to play wacky wars and run through the parade and harass all sorts of people in the process.

It's such a hectic thing to work on. There are so many different aspects that have to come together and run smoothly, and so many things that have to be taken into account. How do you make sure it's fun? How do you make sure it's fair? How do you get people to come out to things?

After this year, I suppose that's no longer my concern.

Of course, it's not until you're about to be done with something that you see just how much you're going to miss it. Walking around the dance last night was very weird. It was all about to be over. All the madness, all the aggravation, all the stress...it was hours away from disappearing.

Yet I couldn't help but think how much I had enjoyed every minute of it. I was reminded why I put myself though so much madness day after day. I like to see the end result - the moment when everything comes together - and see the good it does for the people around me.

Knowing the work is appreciated is nice, but even if no one had said a word to me all night about how great Homecoming was this year I would've been happy. I was "connected" with something much bigger than I was, and could see that other people were feeling it too.

And now I'm left wondering if I can ever go back to being a spectator. Will I still be happy just watching it all go by, or am I happiest when I'm the one putting on the show?

Captured At:1336

Life's a funny thing. Just when you think you know how things are they turn around and shock you.

I crashed at Nick's last night and made a conscious choice to leave my cellphone at home. When I got downstairs I thought I could hear it ringing, but decided it must just be Nick looking for me and I'd be there in 5 minutes, so what was the difference?

I don't think I'll make that mistake again.

Today everyone's asking what's wrong with Liz, and I don't quite know how you answer a question when you're not allowed to talk about it. We've both been pretty shaken up today.

I keep walking in circles not knowing what to do with myself. I'm trying to sit down and do work but I can't focus. Several times today I found myself getting up and sitting right back down. My head's just spinning. There's nothing for me to do and that's probably the worst part of it

In my own way I feel like I failed. Like if I'd been there or done things differently the situation wouldn't be what it is. They can tell me there's nothing I can do to change it, but I'm hard on myself and I feel like I should've done something...anything...

Captured At:1837

So after a damn depressing post I think maybe it's time for a list of things for bec to be happy about.

• Liz and I are still getting positive feedback about homecoming
• People seem interested in the new Ambassador Project and it appears we have a few more coming our way
• I have a giant purple crayon
• I'm slowly infecting Dave with the dmb/buffett virus...(15'll get ya 20...)
• Derek gave Tom money for me to join everyone in Key West for 2 days...very unexpected, but much appreciated...I think he can have some cool points back ;)
• My necklace is fixed...hopefully for good this time
• I finally tackled my laundry
• It's supposed to be over 80 today....(The weather is here, I wish I were beautiful...)
• My parents are closing on the house in 2 weeks
• Things look like they're working out for a friend of mine; major sigh of relief
• See the MASH program for an Ambassador contribution...the reception it gets should be amusing
• I dropped classes
• It's now official...sing with me....
  il mio professore
  d'italiano è
  un asino

Wasn't that fun? I know there's more, but I'm still a little tired. I'm also sick of waiting for my printer to get this stuff printed so I can do homework.

Have a good day everyone...

Captured At:1107