Oh how quickly we forget...

Today I had a very long and unexpected message left on my computer from a friend of mine.

Interesting how I say "a friend". We used to hang out with the same people all the time, yet I can't say he and I ever sat down and had a serious conversation. An odd change of subject, I know, but at the same time I suppose what makes some one a friend is being there to try and help you through the hard times, which is exactly what this was.

Anyhow, having paid a visit here and seen the same depressing crap everyone else has seen - that for some reason I couldn't help but post - he was trying to send a little pick-me-up. He made the very valid point that it could always be so much worse.

It was funny to see some one telling me the same thing I've tried to tell people on a few occasions when they were depressed and in a mood so down that nothing could reach them. Not that I was able to reach them either, but I tried.

So while I can't promise that everything will be sunshine and flowers, I will keep that idea in mind and try and not be such a bum. Thanks Josh...

Captured At: 104

Okay, so I slept a little longer today than I wanted to. In most people's world this would mean study immediately to make up for lost time.

In my case, however, I've decided food is more important and that as I'm waiting for that to cook I can make a pleasant diversion to the world of journal updates.

Finals. It's been dubbed "the other F word." At least in my away message that is. And finals is a time when we're supposed to be proving that we've learned something in the last 16 weeks of lectures and projects and whatnot. In most cases though, we'll be proving how much we were able to cram into studying for the day or two before the big test.

And I have learned a few practical things this year.
For example:

• Parlo un po' italiano.


• My my name (bec) is the hexidecimal representation of 3052.


• Mr. Laplace had far too much time on his hands.


• So did Hilbret.


• Bakus is the lead guy when it comes to Fortran, which when you get right down to it, isn't too bad for such an old language.


• I capelli dei Theo, non mi piace.


• There's a lot more to making a database than I thought, but that doesn't mean I like all the relational logic behind it.


• There should be a:
  
  MOV bec, infiniteknowledge
  
  command available.

Yup, looking at that stuff above it appears quite obvious that I'm screwed next week. But that's okay, I'm just going to have to work through it anyhow.

But on the other end, let's take a look at some of the non-educational stuff I've learned this year.

• A few hours on the beach late at night in the company of friends could quite possibly be some of the best medicine there is.


• No matter how many people tell you how great you are, there is always going to be some one who doesn't agree and will do whatever they can to try and knock you down.


• Ramen: it's a good thing...


• When BNL said "Love is never in between, if it isn't one thing then it's always something else," they may have been on to something.


• Just because it seems like it's all in good fun to you doesn't mean it's not bugging the hell out of somebody else.


• In some weird twisted way I actually do serve a purpose in the world and there are people who would miss me if I was gone.


• There's nothing like the smell of burning leaves in October...even when it's coming from the palm tree just outside the window.


• Sometimes a little determination and perseverance is all it takes; congratulations and best of luck to the girls of Delta Psi.


• Be mindful of your actions...you never know who caught them on film and how quickly they'll be circulated.


• They do wear sunglasses in Abu Dahbi; just check their chamber of commerce website.


• Somebody else's mistake usually appears more earth-shattering than the ones you have made yourself. Try and cut them a little slack; everyone does something wrong at one point or another. It's what makes us human.


• Contrary to popular belief, the whole world does not know me. Why should they for that matter? I'm just bec...


• Everybody's got a story. Take the time to listen every once and a while.


• No matter how intimidating you find some one, you can't avoid them forever. You'll be better of for dealing with them in the end.


• Sometimes we're quick to overlook the people we have in our life. Sometimes we take them for granted. That's one mistake of mine that I would correct in a heartbeat. I've known some great people.


• When it comes right down to it I still cannot conform to a group mentality. Oftentimes I wish I could, but somewhere in here I have to accept I'm forever going to be bec, known by many, really known by few, and closer to even fewer. Such a sad life that is.


• Around 8pm on the evening of November 23rd all seemed right with the world.


• I really do "get by with a little help from my friends."


• You can make as many jokes as you'd like, but one day the joke's going to be on you. The ability to laugh at yourself is invaluable.


• Be careful how you phrase your questions to the magic 8 ball; you have a 50% chance of getting a positive response. Derek knows all about this.


• It sucks having to be responsible.


• When you're not being responsible, don't be careless either.


• The people around me see a lot more in me than I do. Somewhere in here I'm going to have to trust them enough to listen and know they won't steer me wrong.


• Despite what I say sometimes, despite what I do sometimes, despite how I feel sometimes, I am still just so fortunate.


• Cold is a relative term.


• In 21 years I have still not learned how to not procrastinate. I'm going to have to fix that one. That said, I guess it's work time...

Captured At:1248

"And a little more of his IALAC wore off..."

It's never easy. Everything is chaos. You have one thing you'd swear is right. You do it. Then you swear it's wrong. You take it back swearing that's the right thing to do. Then you swear that's wrong too. And so the game goes.

Like a pendulum, my life is constantly in motion going back and forth, back and forth. It never really stays where it is for long before swinging back toward something I could swear I'd left to never see again.

I don't know what started it. I'm amazed I can still function sometimes. Some days I'm better than others, but all in all it's one of the most insane things I've ever seen. All I can figure is that this is why everyone tells me how strong they think I am. Somehow I push through.

Earlier I was reminiscing about 5th grade. I don't remember who the person was they had come in to talk to us, but we were all given a white piece of paper with "IALAC" written in the middle of it. They proceeded to run us through the typical day of a hypothetical kid. Several times in the story they would say "and a little more of his IALAC wore off," and rip off a little piece of the paper. At the end of the story we were told that IALAC stood for "I Am Lovable And Capable," and it wearing off was a blow to his self-confidence.

I was mentioning this evening to some one that I feel like every time I turn around some one is ripping one more piece out of me and that I don't know how much I've got left; that I feel like I'm constantly being worn down and I don't know how much longer I can go on for.

I feel so out of control. It's like everything keeps happening around me and the only role I play in any of it is to watch the things I'm standing in the middle of slowly go to pieces.

It makes me wonder why I ever started caring. It seems nothing that matters to me ever sticks around or stays a good thing. The people I care about always disappear. I guess I drive them away. I'm not the warmest person out there. The things I care about, well, some one always tries to take those away, or downplay them like I shouldn't waste my time or effort.

I'm hoping some time away will do me good. I want a good Christmas with a bit of snow and more happy memories of my family on the holidays. They're still not quite the same since we moved; you'd think I'd be used to that by now. I also hope to see Kylie. She's the only friend I've got up there now, and I still don't talk to her nearly as much as I should.

I hate living such an empty existence. I want to feel like I do something. I want to feel like there's a reason for all of this crap; that there's a reason for me being alive other than for some one's amusement or abuse.

Is that too much to ask? Is it too much for me to want to be happy for an extended period of time? Is it wrong that I still love him? Is it bad that I have no problem lying to people these days so they'll get off my back for a little while? Is it normal that I sleep whenever I can these days? Is it bad that I slept at least 12 hours today, am tired again, and didn't realize until around 1am that I hadn't eaten since 330pm? Is it bad that I have a final at 8 tomorrow and I just don't care about it?

Twelve Volt Man just came on. It's oddly appropriate. To me this song was about some one looking for their chance to show the world they're worth something; like despite all their weaknesses they always knew there was something inside of them that people would see if they'd just take a minute to look. The screen name Twelve Volt Bec was created following my freshman year and the ideas behind its creation are still quite close to me.

Anyhow, I guess I should get some sleep or something....I'm too lazy to put away the clean clothes I have in a pile on my bed, so I think I'm going to crash on the futon...

Captured At: 233

Last night Liz got an email from Karen over in UPubs with the subject "Hi Rebecca." It went on to say that they had a picture of me with the new panther statue that they want to put in the next Florida Tech Today, and can I tell them a little about myself.

Naturally Liz forwarded it on and I responded in the appropriate manner.

Today I emailed Ken and asked if he could send me a picture of the new statue from the other day so I could send it out to the ambassadors. What I got, well, it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. You see, I didn't expect to get one with me in it...

Captured At:1908

We parted with a hug, a "Great to see you," and the typical wishes of a Merry Christmas and "Say hello to your family for me".

So ended three hours with Kylie, the last friend I have up here in New York.

I walked back to my car and I couldn't help but feel that I didn't belong. Everything keeps going while I'm away and then I show up and jump into a scene that forgot it ever neglected to notice me. The seasons still change, the people still hustle around the same way they always did...

Every time I come back it seems more and more foreign. I realized I don't have anything here anymore. Sure my family is great - it's always wonderful to see them - but things just change so much with each visit. It dawned on me that there may not be a next time for Kylie and I; that our last goodbye was so simple, like we'd see each other in a day or two, and it may in actuality be never again. This time almost didn't happen.

Part of me looks around and wishes I could bring my friends here. I wish I could show them where it is I came from and maybe they'd understand a little more of me, but at the same time I know it wouldn't hold much meaning. They still wouldn't necessarily understand what a view of the Catskills or a drive down such and such a road does for me or why. Maybe it's natural to want the people who are close to you to see those kind of things. Maybe it's not. I never had good friends before so I don't really know.

It's great to have people who want to call and chat with me while we're away on vacation; that I have people who are back to their "normal" lives away from school and I'm still in their thoughts enough to pick up a phone and go, "Hey, what's up?" There are the random IMs too - both ones I've gotten and ones I've sent. I guess I'm trying to learn to be friendly.

Or maybe I realized that I have to take advantage of what I have down at school while it's there. Maybe I've realized that everything I hold onto from up here is so far gone that I have to let it go. Driving to Scotia today felt like a turning point. I don't know that my behavior from here forward will change, but it was an epiphany of sorts. Things hit me in a totally different way. I felt like it was okay to let go of the things I didn't want to. It finally registered that letting go doesn't mean you've forgotten about those things, you've just realized their time in your life has expired and you can't let them alter your day to day existence. Keep them in your heart, but don't let them steal your mind.

Captured At:2309

I feel together today...

Well I did when I first decided what to post. At the moment my eye is killing me. So now I'd say that with the exception of my eye, I feel together.

Tomorrow is another travel day. I admit the thought of riding in the car again isn't high on my list, but I'm ready for my vacation to be over and my long distance travelling to be finished.

There's a line in Jimmy Buffett's "Landfall" that goes "I've got to recharge my mind and you'll find me back at it again." I relate to this statement; some time away from things does do you good.

Looking ahead I don't feel there's much I can't tackle. I've renewed my energy so to speak. The situations I left behind no longer seem so big and overwhelming and I have a new sense of confidence that I'll not only overcome the old difficulties and any new ones that come along, but squash them to itty bitty pieces and laugh.

It seems I have a course of action for once in my life. I only hope I haven't plotted erroneously.

Captured At:2004