bec's drunk

Ok, so maybe I'm not drunk, but I feel like I am. I guess waking up from a nap when you really don't want to face the world can do that to you. I'm rating a 0.00000 on the motivation scale right about now.

Sucking down margaritas last Sunday had me feeling pretty good and to a point where I didn't really care about much of anything. That general numbness seems to have carried through the week and into today.

I think it was sometime last night when it hit me that I wasn't quite feeling like myself. Yet I don't know whether I don't care about anything, or that I care but don't want to acknowledge that I do because it's too hard.

See, as much as I could post about how much fun I had last weekend there was a turn of events that I really believe has permanently altered my life. For the better or for the worse has yet to be determined, but it's becoming ever more difficult to figure out how I'm going to cope.

I don't have an answer to the questions. I'd kinda like to know for myself, and not knowing has made me incredibly confused. I don't know how to change things, but I don't know that I would change them if I knew how to. I suppose that's given me a general sense of loss and hopelessness, and probably isn't helping me overcome my lack of accomplishment as of late.

They say hindsight is 20/20; it's much easier to look at the past and see it for what it was. So that must mean we go through life with a fuzzy view of the present and have to attack the future with a pair of dark glasses and a cane.

It would be so much easier if we could see the repercussions of our actions prior to the acts we commit. If we could see the positive side of both outcomes, we could live through the tough decisions and know in the end that it's going to be ok.

And I'm not saying we should have that for every stupid decision. In the grand scheme of things what you decide to eat for breakfast or which shirt you put on is going to have very little impact. But it's those big, life-altering decisions that it would be nice to have a little help with.

You don't have to tell me what's going to happen between this moment and 10 years down the road, just tell me that if I do this thing, which will make me happy now, I will still be happy later.

I thought I was ok. I have now wasted an entire day on nothing. It's becoming increasingly apparent that I'm not.

Captured At:1708

Ok, I take it all back...

"Wow" is all I have to say. Add yet another reason why I love Florida Tech.

It's one thing to bump into the President of your school. It's another thing to have him and his wife not only recognize you, but know you by name. And it's quite another thing to have them be the ones to tell you you've made it into "Who's Who".

Out of the entire school, I'm among 10 others who made it with me.

So while I'm happy and have congratulations coming my way, I think it's time for bec to take a moment and say thank you to several people who have helped make my accomplishments possible.

First, all the people I have worked with - students, faculty, & staff, both within organizations and outside of them. I could never have accomplished a fraction of what I have if all of you wonderful people hadn't given me a chance. It is your belief in me that has given me confidence in myself.

Second, my friends, who have been there to support me and push me forward even when things weren't as easy as I could have hoped. You guys have shared the worst with me and hopefully by extending my thanks and appreciation you can share the best as well.

And last but definitely not least is my family, without whom I would not be who I am. You always knew I'd do something with myself, and it's times like today when it's not all that difficult to think you just might be right.

Captured At:1328

Wow...

_{from floridatoday.com}

So the launch finally happened last night.

I told Tom and Derek on the drive up that after it having been scrubbed twice already I was trying really hard to still be excited.

Once we got to the viewing site it wasn't hard anymore. All I had to do was look across whatever body of water it was in front of us and it all came rushing back. I kept looking at them asking "It's really gonna go this time, right?"

I was all bouncy and excited. The anticipation was killing me. Derek said I was just like a little kid.

They played the National Anthem and I have to admit my gaze quickly shifted from the American Flag to the lit up structure. I couldn't take my eyes off it.

When it finally launched the entire sky lit up. I collected myself enough to try snapping a few pictures, but I daresay I watched most of it with my mouth half open until I could no longer see the tiny dot that had been so close just moments ago.

Before following Tom toward the bus I hugged Derek as I told him it was one of the most amazing things I had ever seen and thanked him for bringing me along.

I said very little the rest of the ride back. They kept asking me if I was still with them, but I was in such awe I couldn't even find words. Surprising, huh?

I still don't have words, just an image in my mind of one of the greatest things I've ever been given the opportunity to experience.

And I wanna do it again...

Captured At:1443

Hmmm...a cough drop that actually made my throat feel better. I'm impressed.

I'd like to take a moment from being in a down mood and reiterate the fact that I am lucky to have such amazing people in my life who do such a good job of taking care of me.

I would think that you wouldn't want to be around a sick person, yet you do it anyway. You bring me things like cough drops and chicken soup, and make special store runs for popsicles. You sit with me and talk with me and tell me everything's going to be better even though I'm having a hard time believing it.

And as hard as it is to admit it, at a time like this I need that - to know there are still people there for me. So thank you.

Captured At:1355

Boomerang Love
_{Jimmy Buffett}

Hole in the wind behind the island
Big blue hole in the middle of my heart
I can't forget the time we spent together
I can't remember how long
Long we've been apart

Riding on a boomerang love circling fast
Hard to see in a sky so vast
Laugh till you cry, cry till you smile
Up and down all around
Boomerang, boomerang, boomerang, boomerang love
Boomerang, boomerang, boomerang, boomerang love

We both know we live in different orbits
Different islands different worlds
Though we really are the same
I'm just glad, glad we started talking
Finally realize no one is to blame

Riding on a boomerang love can't let go
Running fast, moving slow
What's the right way, who is to say
Tension and suspension
On a boomerang, boomerang, boomerang, boomerang love
Boomerang, boomerang, boomerang, boomerang love

Big blue hole out in the ocean
Where I dive straight down until I cannot see
Feel my way through a bevy of solutions
There I realize the answer is in me

Gettin' off of this boomerang love, comin' up for air
I want to do what's right, I want to do what's fair
Come what may we'll find a way
No more tension or suspension
No more boomerang, boomerang, boomerang, boomerang love
No more boomerang, boomerang, boomerang, boomerang love
No more boomerang, boomerang, boomerang, boomerang love

Boomerang, boomerang, boomerang, boomerang love
Oh...

Captured At:1437