When Everything Seems Wrong

When you come back to your senses
Your heart overcomes your pride
I'll be here with an open mind
Here to break your fall from misery
You expect me to love just like you
Even though you won't admit that
You sink your teeth into something
You figure it'll come biting back

But I am not made to tag along
When everything seems wrong
And I still can breath when you are gone
When everything seems wrong
When everything seems wrong to you

I don't know if we'd be better off
Living our own separate lives
Talking every once or twice
Whenever we need each other
I can't picture another arm around you
Wonder how I would react
Would I scream and shout in anger,
Or would I maintain some tact?

Chorus

You know that you're my best friend
That kind of love can never run out
You know more about me than I know
Things I'd never dream of showing
But I can't change this way I'm feeling
And I'm not asking for miles of room
Just a little time to fill my tank up
Before I come on back to you

"So this is what it feels like to get a little older..."

I was up at 9. Originally I was going to go running, but I decided I didn't want to start out my day feeling like crap. I didn't look any older, I didn't feel any older, so I did the only sensible thing and fished out the toy in the cereal box as I ate breakfast. :) I'm now the proud owner of a goofy light saber pen. Happy Birthday to me.

I killed a few hours until Liz got home and she took a nap before we went to the mall. The FedEx guy came and brought me my DMB tickets for Walnut Creek and Coral Sky. I got even more psyched about July. Happy Birthday to me.

We get to the mall and Liz buys me new sunglasses. I really like them and think they're going to make it a lot longer than the pair I'm replacing did. I know I probably jinxed myself, but I don't care. I have cool new sunglasses and they came from Liz. Happy Birthday to me.

We come home and grab the mail. I have a card. Happy Birthday to me.

And of course there's the IMs from people I didn't think would even remember, the phone call, Bryan's friends, the away messages and profiles telling the world what today is, and that email that made me laugh my ass off first thing this morning. Happy Birthday to me.

Maybe 21 isn't go to be so bad after all. Thanks guys. :)

Captured At:2032

The Bravest Thing I've Ever Done

Ever since I bought Barenaked Ladies' "Rock Spectacle" Liz has not been fond of track 3. Those familiar with "Born on a Pirate Ship" would also recognize it as track 9.

Either way, the song is called "Break Your Heart" and Liz has never been a fan. For as much as Steve Page sings it out and it can drone on at times, there was always something I liked about it. Perhaps it was because the song was about a side of life we seldom hear. The radio is full of songs from sad and bitter exes who feel the world should know their pain. This song, on the other hand, shows the end of a relationship from the perspective of the dumper, not the dumpee. I guess I've always liked twists.

"It's all about the passion..."

::grins:: Despite what was a bit of a rocky start that could have put a damper on things, the PMB show tonight was great.

For starters, I got my first little "over 21" wristband thingy. The officer at the door checked our IDs, stamped Liz's hands, and was about to do mine when I told her I was 21. She checked the date on her pager and went, "Oh yeah. So this your first time out?" In a place that cards at the door? Yes. I wasn't planning on drinking, but being 21 saved me the $2 cover charge, so I figured pointing out her error was worth it.

"Maybe I will wait for you,
and maybe I will go there too.
And maybe I will hold you up when you're down.
And maybe I will run like a scared scared child away.
And maybe I will reach out.
And maybe I will pray for you not to go.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I wont.
But you don't know, you don't know, you don't know, you don't know"_{outro to 41}

Captured At: 007

Something More

I was going to just post a comment/reply to Sue's most recent comment about the post from just after midnight, but as I started it I realized it could quite easily become much more.

In case you don't bother reading the comments, allow me to recap:

Sue: too many maybe's. Not enough 'for sure' things.
Bec: but such is life.........nothing is definite.....
Sue: it may be so but, too many maybes can leave people thinkin your not reliable

I don't believe this reflects unreliability as much as it reflects indecision. I believe Mr. Buffett put it best when he said "indecision may or may not be my problem."

It's a condition I find myself afflicted with all to often for any number of reasons. Do you do what's right because it's right or do you do what's wrong because you want to? Who do you put first, yourself or some one else? Is it always one side or the other, or does a middle ground exist? Do you make decisions based on now or later?

There's only one person I know who does stuff like this....

Today I'm going to give a few minutes of internet fame to my brother, Bryan. As a little background he's 16, the baby of the family, and is nearly 6' tall. His highly unmaintained website can be found among my links, but I'm too lazy to go looking up the address at the moment.

Anyhow he finally wakes up around noon today, walks into the dining room for a plate, and I catch him on his way into the kitchen to ask what he's eating, which he gladly answers. So I ask him how on earth the first thing he's going to do this morning is eat fajitas - I mean he just woke up and the idea of eating anything when I do, especially something like that, is enough to turn my stomach. So he piles on the meat, peppers, onions, mushrooms, and heaps salsa onto the shell and stuffs it into the microwave. _{Sidenote: at this point in telling mom the story she goes "and blows it up in the microwave," opens the microwave door, and again says "and blows it up in the microwave.} The first thing out of his mouth is "what the hell" when he takes it out. So we run over to see what's wrong and he goes "look at all the oil!" "Look at what you put on it, Bryan. Peppers will do that, so will salsa," Liz informs him. He places the dish on the table and goes back for a drink. Liz sits opposite to where he'll be. The last thing I catch before I go into the bathroom is him walking back to the table with a giant glass of milk. That's right, a huge greasy fajita and a glass of milk for breakfast. Yum. Liz felt so sick she had to turn the other way. The last thing I heard as I turned on the water was "well what did you expect me to drink?" "how about water??"

Mom came home from work today and Liz tells her "I was thinking we could make a chicken ceasar salad for dinner tonight." "Great," mom says, "did some one take out the chicken?" At which point Liz gives her a puzzled look and goes "I asked Bryan and he said we didn't have any." We were quickly informed there are at least 4 packages of it. Mom, amazed by the whole thing, later decides that maybe we won't feed him tonight and when he asks why she'll tell him "there isn't any chicken to eat, I don't see any chicken, do you?" 10 minutes later she was still shaking her head going "idiot, how could he say there isn't any there??"

It's not too long after this that, unable to believe I missed this happening the other night, she shares the garbage story with me. It's Bry's job to take it out,so the other day when he does my dad later looks at him and asks what's wrong with the trash can. "What trash can?" Duh! So Dad goes "where's the lid??" "I don't know." He was then sent back up to the dumpster to locate his trash bag and, since my dad assumes he knocked it into the bag, retrieve the lid. So off goes Bryan to the dumpster. Mom said she sat there trying to figure out how she was going to explain the reasoning for her son coming home with rat bites to the people in the emergency room, especially since he'd been bit by a dog 2 years prior. He came home unscathed, lid in hand going "yeah, he was right, it was in there," and proceeds to do the only logical thing; he places the lid behind the trash can, goes to get my father and says "look dad, it was there the whole time." Now naturally dad didn't buy into that, but it was amusing just the same.

Now y'all may think I'm a little touched in the head, but that boy is truly a piece of work. ;)

Captured At:1754

"Hoping that in times of trouble I might lean on them more...."

So today's entry is going to be much more introspective than random and pointless. Those of you who enjoy the random posts should come back at another time. Up for discussion today is an aspect of myself that, while very well known to me, seems misunderstood by others.

It is not uncommon for me to state that I don't have any friends. When I say this to someone it's usually refuted pretty quickly and I'm told I have lots of friends. The fact is I know lots of people. Of the people I know there are many I talk to in passing, many I joke around with on a regular basis, many I frequently work with, and many I know but never really talk to. I couldn't count all of them if I tried, but they're there. I tend to refer to people I know as one of two things, "this guy/girl I know" or "my friend." "My friend" encompasses anyone I know more of/about and have spent more time with then the guys and girls I know. My close friends fall in the "my friend" category too, but they're really on a different level.

I don't make friends easily. Sure I seem to meet people easily enough, especially in the microcosm I've come to know and love as Florida Tech, but to me a friendship is something much more than what's usually tossed around. While I realize it's a direct result of my ferocious independence it takes a lot for me to truly consider someone a friend. I do have a few of those people kicking around - people who I know would be there for me in an instant if I needed anything. And I'm sure there are people out there I'm not aware of who would do the same thing, but I'm not very quick to run for help. I'm stubborn.

There's a line on my quotes page from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone that says "There are somethings you can't share without ending up liking each other." I'm also reminded of the part in Shrek where Donkey has come back to the swamp and is asked why he's back there, especially after their falling out, and says "Because that's what friends do. They forgive eachother." And then, of course, there's a line from DMB's #34 (which used to have words) that said "Lean upon me, I'll lean upon you, we'll be ok."

I think it's moments described by those quotes that shows where the foundation of a real friendship comes from - at least in my mind. And I'm always thankful to those people who were there for me even if, for whatever reason, I don't talk to them much anymore. I'd like to think there are a few people out there that will remember me for a time they needed someone and I showed up to help them.

And as my mother and I somehow ended up discussing this she pointed out that people assume that just because I see them and joke around with them that we're the best of friends when they don't realize that I joke around with everyone and am being sociable.

Sometimes these people who think we're the best of friends and I stop talking, for whatever reason, and think it matters to me when it really doesn't. Other times I'm on the exact opposite side of that situation. There's a part of me that often wonders if the reason everyone else is allowed to make mistakes and be forgiven and I'm not is that they expect better of me. True there are times I expected better of myself as well, but I don't understand why me failing to meet their expectations is the worst crime in the world when at the same time, by being completely unwilling to forgive, they're not meeting mine.

Captured At:1850

::sigh::

I seem to say that a lot lately......wonder why.......

It is now just past 1900. I've managed to stay awake for the last 3 hours although at times I felt I was going to drift off again.

I daresay I spent at least 10 minutes laying on my bed tossing my teddy bear up in the air and letting him fall back on me. I got kicked in the face, belly flopped on, sat on...

While I know it's just a stuffed animal and that it's not real I seemed to get a big kick out of it. I just couldn't stop laughing. Silly bear. But after being cooped up in my arms as I slept all day I'm sure he didn't mind getting to fly for a little while. I think I'm always going to see the personality in things like that simply because I always have and don't know any other way. I also have to admit that it was nice to do something so simple and so stupid and be able to laugh at it all just like a little kid.

I think it was sometime last month that someone said or did something and I said, "I can't help but think of the Fudnudler Brothers who like to pile on the heads of the others." My mom laughed and said she was thinking the same thing and she bets no one else would have gotten that.

While not a direct quote, the Fudnudler Brothers stuff is from Dr. Suess.

Mom said that's one of the best things about having kids- it's like a second childhood because you get to play and imagine and be silly all over again.

Maybe it's just me, but I'd like to think I'll play and imagine and be silly regardless. :)

Captured At:1911

"...count all your blessings, remember your dreams..."

The plan is to find my brother playing basketball by the pond. Sometimes, however, when what you're about to do seems so simple it becomes something more than you could have ever imagined.

On any other day it would have been well after dark. It is surprisingly pleasant and I find myself remembering nights not unlike this one when a carefree group of kids used to ride bikes and run around my neighborhood. "I don't care where you go as long as you're home by dark," Mom would say. This hour would be pushing it, but that's what we did.

While the memory floods me I realize it's not making me sad as it usually would. I see that as much as I hold on to the past sometimes it's because I have so many happy memories from my lifetime - a mere 21 years of laughs and smiles. If the next 21 are even half as great I will be truly fortunate.

A little further down the hill I am reminded of another place at another time. It's a warm August evening and I'm walking to some pool party they're throwing for the freshman at my new school. I don't know anyone who's going to be there; I'm not even sure if I'm going in the right direction, but somehow I got where I needed to be and the ride began.

My brother's not at the basketball court. Perhaps I passed him and didn't realize it. I decide that while the monkey bars have beaten me once today they won't be doing it twice. I'm nearly victorious. As I rub the newly formed blisters on my hands something beckons me to the water. I walk down the wooden stairs and gravel path to the edge and stand arms crossed, legs slightly spread apart and look around me. There's a swan swimming by, crickets in the trees and moonlight on the water. I gaze upwards at an almost full moon. He's slightly hazy, but I recognize my old friend and stand with eyes transfixed on a face that has seen endless hours of mine. A gentle breeze comes across the water and I smile slowly.

It's one of those moments where it doesn't matter where you're going or where you've been. All that counts is that exact moment at that exact time when somehow the world has come to remind you to be at peace because you are part of something so much bigger than yourself.

There are footsteps coming down the gravel path and I'm greeted by my brother who got home just after I'd left. His ambitions to run have left him and we start to walk home. As we pass the basketball court the wind blows and in his best pansy voice he says "ah..feel the warm breeze." Even though he's mocking it he's at least taken notice. He decides he needs to do something he hasn't for a while, climbs the stairs to the slide, and a look comes over his face as he puts his hands up in the air to go "wee" that also makes me smile. It's so rare that I see some one else enjoying one of life's small pleasures.

In typical sibling fashion I tell him I'll race him home and fake him into taking off, but he catches on quickly and stops running to tell me to never do that again. When we finally make that last sprint home he comes from behind and flies by me. I stop running and smile again.

In less than 1/2 a hour I have found one more thing I wouldn't trade for the world. Everyone should be so lucky.

Captured At:2126