"...but I'm still going to carry on regardless..."

At the present moment I find myself in a state of quandary unmatched by any other in my life. I sit here trying to decide whether to speak my mind or to sit silent letting the last two days eat away at my soul. There's a certain amount of paranoia in me at the same time; this feeling that somewhere some one is waiting for me to speak so that they can pounce on me yet again.

Over two months ago I posted to this page at a point in time where I was disappointed with certain things I saw going on around me. I huffed and puffed and put my keyboard down, and my life went on.

Last night my words were held against me in an attempt to rob me of something I have been working my butt off for over the course of the last year. As I have said before, I realize that I am human and that, when they come to light, I must accept the consequences for my imperfections.

But what I don't understand is why one mistake, one lapse of judgment, out of an entire year of giving my heart and soul to something is what people are going to make my defining moment.

Sometimes I wonder if they realize how much of me they actually got. I wonder if they realize that I would not put that much of myself into something I didn't truly believe in.

Had I not joined Student Ambassadors my freshman year I would not be where I am right now. I would never have come out of myself enough to do the things I have - things I never even imagined were possible. I was very nervous taking on Vice-President for this year. I felt I'd come out of nowhere and wasn't nearly deserving enough to have it. We had a name to uphold and the legacy of an amazing President to try and keep alive. I worried as I always do, but beyond all that I was excited for the opportunity.

I would like to believe that I not only grabbed that opportunity, but excelled at what I was doing as well. Through the year everyone told me I'd be President and I always said that, although I was VP, moving up the next year was not guaranteed. "It's not up to me," I'd say. "It all depends on whether you think I've done a good job and want me back."

Going up for President this year I was incredibly nervous. It was the only office I'd been nominated for which meant I was either moving up or being kicked off completely. The night I got nominated I went home and wrote my speech. I wanted to make sure I had down everything I wanted to say. It was a combination of pushing my efforts, praising my fellow Ambassadors, mentioning a few of the shortcomings I knew I'd had during the year and apologizing for them, and asking that if the rest of my organization felt I'd done even a little bit right that they'd elect me President of the organization.

The night of elections, for whatever reason, I left that speech at home. I got up and for the first time ever my usually unmistakable voice reached the rest of the Ambassadors with a shakiness that can only come from intense fear. I told them I had no idea why, but I was very nervous. I said that I'd really enjoyed working for them this year and would really like to come back and do it again. I then went outside with my two opponents for what, until yesterday, seemed like the longest I'd waited for anything in my life. And when they called us back in I looked at Liz and said "I'm nervous". All she could say to me was "be scared", and I held my breath waiting for the moment of truth.

"Congratulations to bec who will be our new president next year." I exhaled, but for whatever reason I found no relief. Something still wasn't right and I couldn't exactly place it.

And last night, as a letter requesting my dismissal from the office next year was delivered to our current President, my world came crashing down around me.

I can see it now. Tomorrow I will get a phone call or be stopped on campus because I simply don't belong discussing this. I'll be told that even though it's a huge part of my life, this organization should never be mentioned here - a place I created to keep track of my life.

They'll tell me I'm making it look bad again. Somehow, despite the fact that I push this organization's name up and down campus all day every day, I make it look bad. I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I mentioned SA during the SG Presidential Debate. I can't even count the number of times I've praised my colleagues in this organization or stated how proud I am at how much we've accomplished. There's Ambassador stuff throughout my apartment, all over my bedroom, and taking over my closet.

I suppose to cover myself I should state that "they" is not the entire organization. "They" is a very small group of people who happen to be involved in this organization with me. "They", despite the fact that they've made their share of mistakes in their lifetimes, are somehow unable to accept a genuine and sincere apology for one of mine.

It was never ever my intention for things to have gotten to the point they have. As I said, my words came at a time when I was immensely disappointed in a few actions that I didn't believe were right. As I also said, I moved on from there. Regardless of what happened I have still been working for this organization and these people every day.

I do not believe the actions they wish to take against me are appropriate for the offense I have committed. However, the final decision will not be made by me, or even by "they."

Several times this year I have said that you have to have faith in the people you are working with to see things for what they are. It is blatantly obvious that this is my opportunity to do just that.

Captured At:1837

I really was having a wonderful day today.

But at this moment in time there is one word to describe me: tired.

I remember my freshman year, right around this time actually, when my profile stated "I'm bec and I'm tired", and listed off a bunch of reasons why. I was tired of the garbage around me. I was tired of losing friends and feeling hurt and lost and helpless.

And two years later here I sit feeling the exact same way; the same song playing through my speakers; the same stuff running through my head.

So much progress, and yet so little.

In the last few weeks so much has gone on in my life. I've got organizational stuff coming at me from organizations I'm not even involved in. I seem to be making enemies by purely existing. I just can't bear to watch it all fall apart again.

I'm not completely crushed yet. I haven't been entirely defeated. Perhaps I should take solace in that, but for the last few weeks things have just been so hard.

Liz was always fond of saying that she didn't have a magic wand to make things better. I hope that one day, if she finds it, she'll let me use it every now and again to just take some of the weight off.

I realize that this is what you need friends for. I'm glad that somehow I've still got a few kicking around. Yet one more time I'm trying to hold them up. I'm trying to keep the people who are closest to me at this point in time from going to pieces and it has taken its toll. I like to believe that I can do anything, but this is something that I apparently cannot. I cannot carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm too small and when it gets too heavy I'm going to break.

Probability and Statistics. I know it sounds odd to mention that, but when I walked in today I was in high spirits. And I walked out feeling good. It was the kind of day where you can't do anything but smile even though you don't have a good reason to be smiling. For some reason I was happy. I don't know if it was the sky or the weather or just that I finally got some sleep, but I felt good. I wanted to take that good and infect all the tired and weary people I saw around me so that they too could smile. I wanted to somehow show them that the only moment they're guaranteed is one they're in and that life is too precious to waste worrying about stuff that doesn't matter. We are so small and the things we do in this world are so inconsequential. The world will keep spinning, the seasons will keep changing, and we will continue to grow and learn even though we're not quite sure why.

I can't help but smile a bit remembering that.

Today I got a letter informing me of my acceptance to do Orientation again. While I expected it I was still very excited because it means there are new opportunities coming up for me. I do have a lot of things to look forward to, provided I make it until then.

I think I need to go outside. I need to get in my car and take a few minutes to get off campus and away from the worrying.

I think that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Captured At:1824

The short version of my involvement with Ambassadors...

Reminiscing with Stephen about a visit I paid to campus my senior year of high school:

"Two crazy guys on a golf cart told me they were part
of the best damn organization on campus and that I was joining,
no ifs ands or butts
and here I am a year later
I'm going to be president
and it's still the best damn organization on campus."

Captured At:2235

I've never gotten a plaque before...

Tonight has been an amazing night to help aid the struggles of a horrible few weeks.

Tonight Student Activities held their annual Student Leadership Awards banquet and I can't help but brag that we swept the board. I have to admit that I realized the possibility that the people we (Student Ambassadors) chose to nominate had a very good chance of winning.

They began talking about the winner for Outstanding Program or Event and I heard some of the very words I'd written echoed back at me. I turned and looked at the people behind me (all ambassadors) and mouthed "Homecoming". They looked at me kind of funny, but when it was officially announced as the winner I looked back at Ken Droscher, who's the adviser for the whole event, and he was pointing at me to go up there. So I pulled Liz out of the row behind me and we went up and shook hands with the Student Activities people and accepted an award for Homecoming 2002. I suppose it was appropriate that both of us accepted it as we're going to be the co-chairs next year.

A few awards later they gave out Outstanding Contribution by a Staff Member. The minute I heard that the winner welcomes students into his office and is always complimentary of them and their efforts I knew it could be none other than Ken.

After the awards for Greek Organizations they moved on again to Student Organizations. Although Diane did not win adviser of the year, Ambassador nominees were victorious in three of five awards presented. First our Treasurer won Rising Star Student Leader. When they said the rising star was a sophomore I had a pretty good idea who it was going to. In fact, after a few sentences of every presentation I was able to call who was about to walk on stage and be honored.

As with the Outstanding Event award I knew the winner of Student Organization of the Year. Not having seen Jenn around the auditorium, when they announced Student Ambassadors as the winner I jumped up on stage and was quickly joined by other members of my group. Just like we did at Homecoming our organization of 20 people beat out groups twice our size for something that we have worked hard for all year.

Following two Student Ambassador Presidents before me, I walked away tonight as Florida Tech's Student Leader of the Year. Thanks to everyone who has helped me along the way, gone along with my crazy ideas, and made me realize that one person really can have an impact. It's been an amazing ride and there's only more to come. :)

Captured At:2116

"I find it hard to explain how i got here..."

Last night I walked from campus to my apartment in the type of weather that always takes me back.

For some reason my happiest memories of summer-type weather all include driving around and listening to DMB. I remember the freedom I felt the first summer I had my driver's license. There were days I'd get in my car and just drive, music turned up, singing my heart out - poorly, but singing nonetheless - and feeling that for even a moment I'd tapped into true and unquestionable happiness. The rest of the world didn't matter. Where I was driving didn't matter. All that I cared about was that I felt really good.

Perhaps the best thing about those memories is that thinking of them allows me to get a little of that feeling back.

So I sit remembering and although I'm here, and I'm alone, I'm smiling for a foolish seventeen year old girl driving around upstate New York with the whole world ahead of her.

Captured At:1243

Thinking of 41

Today I'm fairly introspective.

Last night I spent several hours on the beach watching the sky. I watched the moon rise over the water, and the more I looked at it the more places I remembered doing something similar - just staring at the moon.

I thought of New York and the way the whole neighborhood would become lit up late at night. I thought of the way the moon would reflect off the snow or how it would hide behind the trees casting shadows like giants. I thought of my grandparents' house in the country and all the nights we'd stay over there, and how when I knew everyone was asleep I'd go outside to stare up at the sky and take in the stars and the moon and enjoy the world around me at one of it's stillest moments.

I thought of the German Schoolyard I'd spent the last night of my trip wandering around in, looking up at the moon and wondering how on earth I was going to go home and explain everything, and the way it shone over my own school when I finally got back and made my peace.

Like those moments I think last night will remain ingrained in my memory. It was the most beautiful night I'd seen in a long time and it made me sorry to realize I'm leaving Saturday and won't have the beach to run to when I just need to get away during the next few months.

I wish I could take you with me. I wish I could bring you to that beach or that field and point upwards and make you feel everything I did at those moments. Some of my happiest and most depressing times have been spent looking at the sky, but it never ceases to make me smile.

Captured At:1543