Oh the joy of e-board meetings.

I have to admit I'm nervous about recruitment this semester. Last semester when we were mostly interviewing freshman who we really didn't know it was one thing. This semester, as we head into interviews of relatives, close friends, and significant others, I can't help but worry. I wonder about letting people in for the right reasons. I think back to last semester and I wonder if I should have done a few things differently. There's at least one Ambassador that I still question letting in. I'm not going to name names or get into further discussion, yet I can't help but wonder sometimes.

I'm afraid of turning my organization into a clique. I remember when I first joined. I remember at times feeling like it was just too tight. Now I want an "Ambassador team" as Stephen put it, but I don't want to let in friends of this person and that person to do it. I look at why we let people in. I wonder why I got in. I have to question if I'm there based on my own merits or the fact that I'm related to a professor.

The same way that I don't want to feel like I got let in because of my ties to some one else, I don't want to feel like I have to let some one in because of their ties and I hope that wasn't the case with Liz the first time around.

Maybe I'm worrying over nothing. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. But I just have to say all of this. I think it's ok for me to worry.

Positive Thought of the Day
Mom's coming down to see Buffett next month. :)

Captured At:1219

I walked out of Clemete tonight and there was this thing streaking across the sky. It was too small to be a shuttle, but I had no idea anything was supposed to go up. Turns out it was a satellite. Such a nice location Florida Tech has. :)

Captured At:1951

Coincidence?

It was absolutely amazing outside today. It was another one of those days where I just walked outside and remembered days in the not so distant past.

And today I remembered that while the bad things may seem so much stronger and sting the soul so much harder, in the end it's the good stuff that matters.

Captured At:1820

"Let me sleep on it..."

Posting in anger has often gotten me into trouble, yet at this point in time I realize I state an inevitable truth that is coming out.

Tonight, at this very moment, I am inches away from resigning my position as a Student Ambassador.

In the two and a half years I have been in the organization I have learned a lot. Sometimes I feel that, in a way, I see things in a way that most members of the organization have lost sight of. Granted I came out of nowhere and became Vice President, but the more I delve into how things are and how I've always been led to believe they're supposed to be, I have to say that I'm disappointed in many respects.

However there isn't one thing that I find more disappointing than an organization that I have worked my butt off for turning its back on not just me, but the basic ideals of its foundation like what happened this evening. I could cite you a handful of things from our constitution that I found questionable about a particular candidate this evening that got tossed out the window.

Beyond that lies the fact that every inch of my body had a very very bad feeling about approval of this person, yet because I can't give a concrete reason it doesn't matter. I tried to take the mature stance that if I was overruled I would have to accept it, but the acceptance is the hardest part of all. I have calmed down a little bit, but the anger and discomfort still lingers.

Captured At:2254

So I've calmed down quite a bit from last night, and while I've been pretty much talked out of leaving I'm still not happy. Unfortunately, once again, I'm being put into a situation where I'm forced into proving I'm the bigger person. I will not retract my statements from last night as I still feel I'm more than allowed to be angry and vent my frustrations. And in time I suppose I will get past this and prove that I'm "an adult". However, I make no attempt to hide the fact that I do not, in any terms, want this person in the organization.

I know there is one person who apparently really really wants this person in the organization. They have not been an adult. One day, they too will have to learn that you don't get everything you want. Sadly enough this moment in time is not it.

I am still angry.

I've said adult a couple times in here. I was talking to Dyan maybe two weeks ago and she told me she had an assignment to do on when she realized she was an adult.

In my case, in the actual sense of the word, I don't think the realization ever hit me. I've never done anything that made me go "Wow, I'm an adult now." I mean I can drive, I can vote, I can almost drink, I've gone off to school, I've been out of the country...

I do not look my age - not in my mind at least. My mom told me to be ready to be carded for the rest of my life if that says anything. In twenty years I've gotten older, bigger, and I've learned a lot. My appearance hasn't changed much. Aside from my hair or what I'm wearing, pictures of me going back to the time I was...God I don't even know how old...still look much like I do right now.

I was always told I acted older than I was. Apparently my level of maturity never quite fit the age I was at. I remember one time my father telling me that he thought I'd make a better adult than a kid. Sure I've been stubborn at times and sure I've been childish, but no one is immune from this behavior.

And in truth, I don't want to be "an adult". There are too many things that adults lose sight of. There are too many things they forget. And if I, at 20.5 years old, want to walk around campus with a balloon one day, so be it. Don't people remember the joy of getting a balloon? Don't they ever hear that little five year old child inside of them saying, "Wow, a balloon," and not the person in their twenties saying "That girl's got a balloon, what an idiot!"

But maybe that's why I will make a better adult. I will have the experience and the knowledge of an older person, but I will always have a side of me that cannot be ignored.

Sure I'm 20, but that also means I'm four 5 year olds. :)

Captured At:1226